need help please! 19 yrs m seeking fOk, I have a bit of a problem I'm going on a first date with a girl that wants to have sex with me and she thinks I'm expereinced but im really not im a virgin. would someone help me Ive never touched a puusy i think i know what to do i well thanks for replying jeff
From 5-10 years of age, all I wanted in the world was a bicycle. When someone gave me a bike to use, I knew exactly what to do with it. I could have ridden that fucker to Guam.
From 10-15 years of age, all I wanted in the world was a vagina. When someone finally gave me a vagina to use, I had no more idea what to do with it than I would a delivery van stuffed full of irritated farm chickens.
What do I do with a vagina? Talk to it? Offer it a cool, refreshing beverage? Blow into the fallopians? Does this thing have an "Entrance" sign? Why is she crying like she can't find her cat?
Jeff will have the same problem. You could give him a fucking pussy or a Rubik's Cube, or tell him to build a kaleidoscope out of tangerine skins. It won't make a difference. He'll fumble around with it, become confused, and ultimately fail miserably.
And a note for his date tonight:
He's not trying to reset his wristwatch in your pants. He's trying to turn you on.
118 comments:
You’re killing me! I laughed until tears streamed down my face and my chest was heaving on the verge of an asthma attack!
You are so hilarious!
Furnace, you are on top of it. This hasn't been up for two minutes.
Damn.. I never get first on Fugly.. or here.. Bastards!
Oh well, Funny shit again dude..
Lots of love frmo up here in Canada, ill send ya some links too.. we got some uh.. Unique individuals up here.
I call bullshit on this ad. He does NOT have a "first date" who wants to have sex with him. He has no dates at all.
Which is why he's posting an ad. He is desperate to get laid, and is trying to play the "feel sorry for me" card.
Loser. Squared.
Buy a dolly.
A fucking bike? Maybe you should lend it to some of these folks and get them out of everyone's hair, since the bike would do the dirty work. Would be interesting to see _that_ rolling down the street though it might frighten the drivers.("Stop giggling or I'll put the seats back on this thing!")
Better yet, don't lend anyone the fucking bike--we'd stop seeing these ads. Or maybe we wouldn't; we'd see ads asking for threesomes with the bike...
Sorry, I doan' know _what_ possessed me! %-)
Ahh, I love your analogies.
"Why is she crying like she can't find her cat?" Oh my! I laughed so hard at this!! That description was just too good!
I'm one of the FHOTD girls, btw! Hi! :-)
Haha. That was HILARIOUS.
I am also a fugly reader and found your blog that way.
I love the analogies. I can't read this while drinking anything or with a full bladder. That is just ASKING for trouble.
KoKorami-
Fixed that, wasn't supposed to be a "fucking bike", it was supposed to read as "a" "fucking" "bike".
Thanks I dont catch those little things sometimes.
Owl Poo! I wasn't being a Grammar Nazi--there's not a damn thing I'd change on this blog. Besides, I really would love to see someone asking for a threesome with the fucking bicycle ;-)
In fact, I wonder what _would_ happen if someone put up an ad for a fucking bicycle. A few years ago, for fun, my best bud and her sister would make up fake personal ads for dating sites--and make it as weird as they could (they based Ms. Dream Date on her dog...you'd be sur-prised at the number of men interested in inbred hairy midget women with extra nipples and a toy duck fetish.)
I admit I almost feel sorry for guys...because if someone doesn't grab 'em at this age or younger and train 'em right, they grow up to be that 45 year old man who was hoping that a woman would not only fuck him, but also be patient and not too critical. Yeeeeesh.
Poor Jeff. Not only has he never touched a pussy, he doesn't even know how spell it.
Oh God, do I need some puhcee.
Think he would understand any better if we told him the bumps around a nipple are brail/Braille for "Lick Here"?
*headshake*
He would probably still go for the dialing a radio manuver.
Plate Eater!
Weasel- another wise man, Johnie Rotten on the FHOTD blog stated:
"Some people you teach them to use the silverware, and they still try to eat the fucking plates."
This is where "Plate Eater" comes from.
This sentence warranted a response of FHOTD stating she is coming to our place to drink with us. You are welcome to join us!
From the OP-
would someone help me Ive never touched a puusy
Good thing too. I hear they are evil, fearsome, man eating things. Try touching one and you could lose your hand entirely!
They must be approached with caution and only when the mood is right. Only then will they allow anything inside their realm without removing it from your body altogether.
FHOTD has it's own lingo??????
I don't know anything about horses except they are larger than me and would kill me if I held a carrot.
But I have read the FHOTD blog, and we're written the same way- it's classic. No wonder we get along so well.
Weasel- why yes we do!
Cathy, our leader, took a vacation once. There was almost a mutiny!
We did a dictionary of Fuglyisms on the forum to keep everything settled long enough so we didn't all suffer withdrawls. (This was before we found you...)
One of the best ones, is Hideozygous, followed by the use of aghasted.
Sorry Cutnjump, but aghasted was coined by COTH, not Fugly.
Weasel, COTH is a horse BB, not a blog. The women on there can get rather, erm, forceful too, although we're not allowed to use "bad" words. That just means we just have to be more creative when cursing at someone!
Horse people are ALL crazy Weasel, so don't say I didn't warn you.
Mack truck- Yes aghasted came from COTH, and proper credit was given when introduced on FHOTD. We use it too, quite a bit actually and it has become one of our favorites.
I wasn't claiming we invented the word, just that it is one of the favorites and we love it too. Sorry to offend.
As for not being able to swear on COTH- sometimes there are just no other words that fit. Fugs realizes this and doesn't censor, edit or delete anyone for it.
Want real horse stupidity? Head over to horsetopia or horseDopia as it is often called. WAY too much sunshine and butterflies, BS to deal with. Take a stand, make a valid point and poof you are gone!
Naw Cut, you didn't offend me, so no harm no foul.
Yep, I know all about HorseDopia. Horse.com is pretty much the same way, although you only get your hand slapped for getting a little forceful with the asshats, instead of outright banned.
I can usually skate the line fairly easily. After all, I've learned to navigate COTH and TMP, so those sunshine and roses BBs are easy pickings!
Mack- I love the pic in your avitar. That is great!
I wouldn't last too long on the borads where censorship is key. I can have the tact of 'a brick in the window', as another Fugly poster put it.
Thanks, Cut. It's a drama llama.
I've learned to be snarky in such a way that the Mods on those boards can't touch me.
I've been known to cause hysterics and frothing at the mouth, which amuses me to no end. Does that make me a bad person?
I've posted on Fug's BB too, under the name Speed Racer. Heck, TMP has little to no moderation, and the Litter Box has none, so I'm not going to get cross-eyed over a few curse words!
Mack Truck-
Fugly used drama llama once on the blog. A few llama people found it funny, others, well, not so much.
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Run IrfanView by double clicking the shortcut. When the interface comes out, press “B” to open the batch conversion window.
Step 2. Select working mode.
On the top left, we can see a panel named “work as”, there are three type of mode we can choose. One is “Batch conversion” which batch convert image format without changing the name. Another one is “Batch rename” which batch rename the image without changing the format. The “Batch conversion-Rename Results files” mode combines those two modes together.
Step 3. Add images
On the the top right of the window, we can explore the images from your computer.
To add one image or some images, we could select the images we want and click “add” button, these images will be added to the file list. Of course, if you want to add all the images in that folder, you can select that folder and click “Add all”. Then all images in that folder will be added in the file list.
Tips: Click to list the image by your need rule. Click or to adjust the position of images in the list.
Step 4. Batch conversion settings
This panel will be disabled if you select “Batch rename” mode. You can adjust the output format here. Click “Options” and “Advanced” for advanced settings.
Step 5. Batch rename settings
This panel will be disabled if you select “Batch conversion” mode. You can set Name Pattern here.
Click “Option” for advanced settings.
Step 6. Output directory settings
This panel you can set the destination of batch conversion files.
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