LICK,,,LICK.....HERE KITTY ,,, KITTY.......... LICK Mature Male Here To Lick Your Sweet Kitty till it Purr's.I'm a Mature White Male Experienced in Alphabet Sucking of Your Clit and Pussy Until Your Thighs Are Shakin Like Jello. My Goal is To Have You Leave Me With a Face Like A Glazed Dougnut. Let Me Part Your Swollen Lips With This Experienced And Talented Tongue. Lets make this happen love charles
"Kitty". "Pussy".
Two common feline words we use to describe the vagina, but is it really an accurate description of what it looks like?
Maybe, if you happen to shave and your cat has cancer.
Anyway, throughout the ages, men have professed to be the masters of going down on a woman. In fact, even in the cave ages, men were known to mimic their cave drawings on a woman's clitoris.
"Oh, Frank tried the bison, the deer, and the yak on my pussy last night," cavewomen would say to each other, "what a no-dicked fucking plant-gatherer he is." As the dry-tongued men went out to hunt, women stayed in the cave and tried to make rocks vibrate.
This practice evolved into the modern day "alphabet" method, whereby mindless children like Charles, who wouldn't know a clitoris from a fucking bicycle basket full of engine parts, profess that spelling the alphabet over a womans clitoris will give her an orgasm. It won't, but spelling "I don't know what I'm doing," might give her reason to chuckle.
And just so you guys know, whatever you write, she can read it. A pussy is like a fucking braille pad.
So Charles, women already know you're tongue is better suited for postage stamps than pussies, so take your ass to Krispy Kreme donuts, spread your own lips, and glaze your own face.
That I'm sure you can do.
73 comments:
Wow, it doesn't get much more disgusting than that. I would say no more glazed donuts for me, but I haven't had one of those since the Sex and the City episode.
Weasel, I Think You Were Very Hard On Charles. I Immediately Believed In His Skills Because Of The Credibility Of His Ad. What Man Who Capitalizes The First Letter Of Each Word Can't Give A Woman An Earth-Shattering, Toe-Curling Orgasm?
The mental picture I got of the cave women discussing their lame sex lives & trying to make rocks vibrate cracked me up! Too bad they didn't have batteries back then...
GUUUUU
FFFFAAAAWWWWWWWWW!
I literally had to slam my arm over my mouth to keep my coworkers from hearing me laughing. Omg.
"Lick Lick Lick"... gawd that must makes me unbelievably hot when a guy says that... YOWZA!
I can't wait to tell the hubby that he was not the one to invent this incredible skill. Thanks for the caveman info!!! They were amazing beings. They taught mankind how to drag women by their HAIR rather than their feet so they won't fill up with dirt.. AND they passed on the knowledge of all time with the skilled artwork of their clit drawings.
The human male is an amazing creature.
Sorry, didn't get through the entire post. Yet.
I got as far as the Alphabet thing...
Apparently he hasn't read the comments in the Tim's Hairy Snack Shack post here.
*Throwing the can of Campbells Alphabet soup at his head*
The can of soup since he claims to be *Mature*, which we all know, most men are NOT!
Back to read the rest of the post and comment again for sure.
>>Two common feline words we use to describe the vagina, but is it really an accurate description of what it looks like?<<
How about this?
A man and his son were walking down the street- the son asked his father what a womans pussy looked like.
"Well son, before sex, it resembles a rose. Pretty, delicate petals and a faint yet soft, beautiful scent."
"But Dad, what about after sex?"
"Ever see a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
GAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
lolololol....
GAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
It seems everyone missed the lawn chair dude on the next page- Older Posts. He's funny too!
Nosnkta- sounds like you and me gonna get each other busted for LOL! at work.
When I was reading his "lick your kitty" bit, I was looking over at my tough-as-nails, has-all-claws-&-knows-how-to-use-em ex feral cat that I adopted.
Yeah buddy, come over and lick my kitty. Bring bandages. You'll need them after he shreds your face and removes your tongue.
Why are guys allergic to the word "vagina"? Why do they want to make it sound like an animal? I assure you, mine has neither teeth nor claws. I mean if you can't handle the word "vagina", maybe you aren't old enough for sex?
Best I ever heard was "your lotus blossum". Heck, points for poetic and a little for originality, since it was something I'd never heard before.
Omg... lolololol..@ lotus blossom.
My farrier calls me on the phone and says things like "helloooo my delicious dish" or "mmmm it's my luscious dove"
Omg lol... I finally had to tell him to knock it off it was ooging me out. I hope to hell he never gets wind of lotus blossom. I bet ya he's an alphabet guy.
Cut??? lol... I'm so gonna get busted one of these days. And I'll blame you!!!! lololol
I call it a pooter. My Dad has a bad habit of mispronouncing it and calls it "vageena". And before anyone freaks out at the fact that my Dad goes walking around saying "vageena" ANYway! you have to remember that in animal husbandry it's perfectly acceptable to talk about it around your daughter and grand-daughter.
The problem IS the mispronunciation and the fact that it embarrasses my 11yo to the ends of the earth lmao.
She says "Gawd Grandpa!!!!" and runs away lmao
Nosnikta, I originally had put a quote from you in this post- but I had to cut it out to make the post shorter. It was your comment regarding the "alphabet method" a few posts back.
Lewis Black said: "If curling is an olympic sport, then oral sex is adultry. And oral sex should be an olympic sport because if you're any good at it you deserve a medal."
Unfortunately, I have never met a medalist...
Walk on said, "Best I ever heard was "your lotus blossum".
I was reading a slang dictionary and my favorite vaginal slang was "the eye that weepeth only when happy." Yeah, I went around saying that for quite a while; it's so poetic:)
I just want to know WHERE the retarded alphabet thing started!?! Was that in some book or something?
It certainly didn't start because a woman thought it was a good idea.
"As the dry-tongued men went out to hunt, women stayed in the cave and tried to make rocks vibrate"
that is gold...
you scare me with your insight Weasel.
Has anyone else noticed that "@" resembles the vagina more accurately than any feline?
and anniebanannie...I have...that guy should have been doing us all a favour and running freaking classes - and I told him so. Pity we were totally incompatible in every other way.
I don't know about you all, but MY vagina has razor-sharp teeth, toxoplasmosis, and rabies-- on top of that, it likes to claw the furniture and coughs up hairballs once in a while.
Since when did eating pussy get so CUMplicated? Who the hell needs the friggin' alphabets? Let's not make sex any more complicated and weird than it already can be.
Awww Wease... thank you. I was almost quoted! :-D
I nearly fell off my chair when I saw this post yesterday just BECAUSE of the alphabet reference. HYSFUCKINGTERICAL!
There's an older guy whose office is directly across the hall from mine. He pretends he's not paying attention to me, but I know he's wondering why I'm giggling, snorting, and slapping my hand over my face multiple times a day.
We are so warped lol.. and I love it.
>>I don't know about you all, but MY vagina has razor-sharp teeth, toxoplasmosis, and rabies<<
Oh, MAJOR INSPIRATION!
The next time I am trying to get rid of some knuckle-dragging, mullet-wearing doofus in a bar, I'm gonna tell him I'm sorry but I've just been diagnosed with toxoplasmosis and I can't have sex because it's contagious.
$100 says he will be so ignorant he thinks toxoplasmosis is an STD. You know it.
*** As the dry-tongued men went out to hunt, women stayed in the cave and tried to make rocks vibrate ***
(giggle)
Weasel- A quote would have been funny. Maybe a link to the other post would have been appropriate as well?
Nosnikta- You almost had your 15 minutes of fame. By the way people keep going back to read and posting it would have been longer... Yeah for you!
Annie- there are a few, but they are far between. Not only do they deserve a medal, they should also have a degree and keys to the city!
And yes they should be required to teach! But then if everyone was as proficient at it as they are, we wouldn't appreciate them for it as much. It's a fine line we walk there...
I was quoted in Horse & Rider magazine about a year ago in the article about virtual horse-riding groups? (something like that). I belong to a group of Nebraskan women of various disciplines and we do a lot of trail-riding together when we're not off doing our own horsey things.
Unfortunately (or fortunately) they didn't use my name lol... I was referred to as "as one veteran states... blah blah"
I keep getting one minute at a time. Kinda like a cat's nine lives maybe.
It wasn't quite as exciting as the proverbial alphabet topic though lmao.
So Charles, women already know you're tongue is better suited for postage stamps than pussies, so take your ass to Krispy Kreme donuts, spread your own lips, and glaze your own face.
You tell him Weasel! ROFLMAO!
If that doesn't work, maybe he could go fornicate the orifice of a motivated pastry!
(Go fuck the hole in a rolling doughnut!)
I know a VERY cunning linguist. It's one of the reasons he's been a FWB for the last 15 years.....
I've never heard of the Alphabet method though, so could someone please enlighten me? My friend apparently has no idea what it is either, since he didn't attempt to use it on me last night.
Most men THINK they're great at oral sex, but they're not. I'd do better achieving orgasm with the vibrating rock. Bad oral sex just makes me annoyed, because the whole idea behind it is that I WON'T have to masturbate.
Of course, these are the same guys who think that after licking you in ALL the wrong spots, and then shoving their dicks in and pumping you for two minutes is great sex.
We women normally aren't mean OR bitches. We're just sexually frustrated much of the time!
ROTFL. Many times over.
Minxy--my cousin in Belgrade confoozled me at first when he visited and we were talking about sites, email addys, etc. Over there, they call an @ a monkey.
Touch my monkey...love it!
Mack Truck- they try to spell out the alphabet using their tongue. Like that's supposed to do anything???
Nosnikta described it on the Looking for a 'Hairy Snack' topic with the black cat handpuppet...
Spew warning before reading...
You know what? I can't wait for a guy to post and say something like "Women don't know what they want." I know it's coming... I'm psychic you know...
Annie,
And when he does, the answer will be "Sure we do! And you ain't got it."
(I've actualy had that conversation w/ a drunken barfly trying to pick me up.)
Weasel, there's a reason I don't eat/drink while reading your blog. If I hadn't finished my chips before this post, I would have choked. Or they would be on my keyboard.
"what a no-dicked fucking plant-gatherer he is." As the dry-tongued men went out to hunt, women stayed in the cave and tried to make rocks vibrate."
I laughed so hard I had to cover my mouth to avoid waking my mom up. and she's downstairs!
This guy is just gross. I need brain bleach, or else I will never be able to eat a glazed donut without the lovely mental image. A common "expense" on FHOTD is sea monkey breeding kits (for those who should not breed horses OR themselves). I think we need to raise money for brain bleach over here.
cutnjump said: they try to spell out the alphabet using their tongue. Like that's supposed to do anything???
You mean like if they had a writing implement on the end of their tongue the end result would be the written alphabet? Really? You know, I never experienced that one... thank god.
At least I can be happy for small miracles.
Kokorami said...
>>ROTFL. Many times over.
Minxy--my cousin in Belgrade confoozled me at first when he visited and we were talking about sites, email addys, etc. Over there, they call an @ a monkey.
Touch my monkey...love it!<<
I read this yesterday. Thought it was funny. But then watching South Park last night, the episode Go God Go: Part II- Mr Garrison is now Miss Garrison and is banging away with another teacher who is teaching evolution.
S/he is saying "We come form monkeys? Pound my monkey hole!"
I snorked my soda.
Hubby didn't get it.
Anniebanannie-
Read through the comments here...
It is all explained, maybe a little more than needed, but funny as hell!
Definately spew warning worthy!
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"And just so you guys know, whatever you write, she can read it. A pussy is like a fucking braille pad."
OMG LOL
"So Charles, women already know you're tongue is better suited for postage stamps than pussies, so take your ass to Krispy Kreme donuts, spread your own lips, and glaze your own face.
That I'm sure you can do."
GOD CHARLES THIS WAS FUNNY LOL YOU;RE A GREAT WRITER
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This reminds me of a stand-up routine I heard somewhere where the guy says that the alphabet technique never works because men will invariably start humming the alphabet song and *nothing* turns a woman off quite like a man singing children songs.
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