Friday, January 16, 2009

Picture Perfect

NEED A GOOD WOMAN

Looking for a nice woman to chat with and maYbe meet sometime. Age and size does not matter to me. If you like my pic just hit me back I have more pics for you to see and you can send me one to

THANKS Adam

Fairweather maidens, please behold with squinted eye and sealed nostril the fucking unstoppable sex tractor that WWHM proudly presents today if only to stir your loins like so many industrial urns full of frothy International House of Pancakes waffle batter. "Stop knitting me that odor-absorbent open-crotched thong, good woman," he might coo, "I need you to perform a thorough hand recount of my hanging chads." You wanted class, and nothing screams class more vehemently than a mule-cocked ex-con in sunglasses testing the limits of the stretchy and forgiving fabrics of mid-80s pop-n-lock Hammer pants in a Photoshopped personal ad.

Good women seeking a good man need look no further than Adam. A confident man besmocked
with discounted linens, fully-engorged genitals and poorly clipped houseplants, Adam maintains the visage of an everyday man, just as comfortable talking shop with your yarn group as he would be mowing down hundreds of innocent civilians in a hail of gunfire at your local feed store. And behind his mysterious sunglasses, Adam finger tickles the hidden clitoral fantasies of the sheltered vixen hiding inside all good women by simply leaning back, showcasing his erection like an item up for bid on The Price is Right, and pondering the unanswered question “Whence forth shalt a prudent, church-going missus come gnaw on my enormous tubesteak?”

Cast aside assumptions his moth-gnawed off-brand leopard briefs emanate a potpourri of nasal flavorings ranging from the muted tanginess of unscrubbed taint to hints of the sour morning breath exhaled by a hungover chain-smoking street pigeon gargling the amniotic fluids of a pregnant housecat.

Extract the chewed badger innards from his wiry beard, surround him with children, and show him a close-up photo of his grandmother bent over the stove in a set of crotchless panties to gingerly deflate the skin blimp taking flight in his trousers, and you practically have Pat Sajak teaching Bible study at a church camp.

Take heed vibrators, Adam just guaranteed you another six-month contract.

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

"fucking unstoppable sex tractor"

EPIC line...

Anonymous said...

It IS hard to resist not to send him a nice pic of my grandma. And wait for the answer.

Pilar said...

You know... I think his head (the one on his shoulders!) is photoshopped.... The mind boggles... Actually, maybe the other head is too

Anonymous said...

pilar im almost certain he photoshopped his head on it too.

funny thing is, the written part of the ad is pretty tame, and then WHAM! tracksuitpant cloaked penis!
its all rather confusing for all the sheltred vixens innocently perusing the personals whose eyes initially might have lit up thinking 'oh adam, i'm a nice woman who can chat!' but whom after seeing his picture are horrified at being assaulted by adams tentpole kransky.

millie

Bea said...

lmao...IHOP waffle batter...too much!!!!

Adam cannot be serious... the bad Photoshopping...the Terminator sunglasses and the tent pole protruding from his 80's Hammer pants...low end of the gene pool...

Ashley said...

Weasel, you are a sick genius bastard and I think I might want to have your children. God, I love you!

Hyena Overlord said...

“Whence forth shalt a prudent, church-going missus come gnaw on my enormous tubesteak?”

Ah, I love it when you quote Shakespear.

What a dork. Someone needs to set those polyester track pants on fire, and not in a good way.

kiro-saigo said...

It's the picture that makes this WTF.
The ad text itself is okay, even if sounding a little needy.

TornadoBaby said...

There have been bad (revealing) pics on here, but THIS one.... I seriously gasped out loud and said "Oh crud in a bucket.... seriously?"

My roomie is worried about me, LOL!

ranearia said...

I don't know what's more scarier about this ad, the bad photoshop job or the fact he's wearing black leotard pants

Lynda said...

The first thing I thought when I saw this picture was "Good god he's got midget in his pants and its trying to get out"...

He's such a dork.... NEXT! :)

Just another classless man who thinks his weiner is world class...

CaliGirl9 said...

Note to all humans and subhumans who possess a Y chromosome in their genetic make-up:

Boner photos of any type (clothed or unclothed) are **NOT** a turn-on, ever.

Biskuits said...

Good grief! If you're gonna put up a fake pic for your ad, why not at least make it believable? Or use an older picture of your face that DOESN'T have a serial-killer beard??

I love how tame that ad is, too, coupled with a photo containing an erection that actually made my head twitch to the side to avoid being punched in the eye.

It all combines to paint a very unsavory picture (more unsavory than the photo, even); photoshopped-pic + serial-killer beard + WHAM!erection + mild-mannered personal ad = ...yeah, serial killer.

Calantha said...

I knew it! Photoshop job! Where the hell did he get that head, from a picture of an old-time Hell's Angel who ended up sitting outside a feed store drinking beer every day after his leg got broken in an accident involving a steam roller? What made him think that was a good idea?

Um yeah...boner. That's. . .never mind. Next!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I agree, his head looks photoshopped. Which begs the question - is what he started with WORSE than that?

clara said...

fugly-that is exactly what i thought lol

Biskuits said...

Honestly, ladies, I'm betting the head is HIS, and the body--along with the massive wang--is something he found online.

Andi said...

I'm with Biskuits...it's not his body, his is surely actually in the RateARod.com Hall of Small.

Anonymous said...

To his credit, at least he didn't specify the "18 - 24" age range like alot of the other ads. WTF is that anyways? Is the retard that specifies "18 - 24" seriously saying that if you're a hot 25 year old, he won't go for you?? Wha..??

Denise said...

You know, when you are done eating all the the Pringles, THROW THE CANISTER AWAY!!! Do not pop it into your pants to compensate for the penis that isn't there. It also brings to mind the old kaleidoscopes I played with as a kid... the ones you help up to the light and twirled around.

Crazy Raven Productions said...

That is some pretty crappy Photoshop. I thought for a moment YOU added the shades as a variant on the whirled face/black-line-over-eyes thing. He looks a bit like something out of South Park with his head just kinda tacked on at that angle.

Naamah said...

JESUS, Weasel.

I am glad you can remain articulate in the face of such horrors, because I sure as fuck am strapped for words. My eloquence desers me, and all I can do is wonder where the fuck I packed my naphtha and click lighter.

I hate moving. I lose all my important shit.

Anonymous said...

Oh god. This blog needs to take a shot at Roissy in DC. http://roissy.wordpress.com/

It will be epic. Two snarky writers in a battle of the wits.

Ashers said...

Why, why, why, why, WHY do men think women want to look at their dicks all the time ???? I just don't get it.

Some bloke I met kept sending me pics of his all the time, I had to ask him to stop. He was like, why, it's meant to turn you on....

Try actually talking to me, mate !

Anonymous said...

Does it look to anyone else like at least the body part of the picture was taken sitting on a toilet?

ElynSCA said...

Sweet Biscuits!

Why, oh why, do men think this is attractive to us women? Why can't they take a hint from our beloved Weasel, whose wit and intelligence have garnered him a harem? ;)

Seriously, Weasel, I think I love you. Where's that harem application?

CutNJump said...

Weasel- How do you keep outdoing yourself from one post to the next? HOW I ask you?

The Price is Right reference was priceless. No pun intended either...

And the trouser blimp... ROFL!

Bitchin' Atheist said...

Someone recommended I take a look at your website. So, dutifully I turn up here to see whats going on.
And nearly had my eye taken out. What the hell is wrong with that guy that he thought it would be a good idea to use that picture as an enticement to women? Are we supposed to see that and think "oh my word, get me his number, I think I'm in love"???
Can I also point out that I was eating at the time and I actually gipped! My revuslion was so strong that I actually nearly puked.
so, er, thanks? I guess :-)

Jen Shizuka said...

Bitchin' Atheist, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Try going back into the archives a bit. This pic is tame.

Whyyyy do these guys think we need photographic proof of their wang-possession?

I mean, I thought it was _guys_ online who were all paranoid the person they're cybersexxoring is secretly not the specified gender/sex...

schammieschammie said...

From the "fucking unstoppable sex tractor" to "the Price is Right" to the "skin blimp" I hung on to every word and tried to suppress my hysterical laughter until the end... but had to stop a couple of times, wipe my streaming eyes, unclench my subconsiously clamped together knees, and re read.

I had the same thought as fugly on the photshopped head... can what he's hiding be WORSE?

Hurry up, girls, don't let this one get away! *swallowing bile in back of throat*

Anonymous said...

I wonder who's strap on or harness (or whatever you call those things) he's wearing.....with a johnson attached to it. He's wishing he was that size.

With guys like this out there, the toy industry has no worry about going out of business!

Gustibus said...

Okay, call me a sick bitch, but now I really WANT to see what he's packin', because what he's hiding under the trouser tarp just ain't right. And thanks, TornadoBaby, for adding "Oh, crud in a bucket" to my repertoire.

SassyAssy said...

I think the crotch area has been photoshopped on several photos I receive on a daily basis...sex tractor indeed! I have to agree with the assessment of the serial killer beard. *sigh* when will men learn?

fleeting said...

Are we sure that's even a real erection? My first thought was that it looked like he'd shoved an old glass Coke bottle in his pants. The photoshop job on this is just... horrific. And scary. And WAH.

Reading this blog makes me so happy to have the man that I have. He asked me to marry him last week, and after catching up on posts today, I am so glad that I said yes!

Anonymous said...

maybe his face is orginal and the rest of the photo is photoshopped in :P

Canoncowgirl said...

Unstoppable sex tractors FTW!

You know, the more I stare at this photo the more wrong it looks...and I dont just mean the BAM!erection. Not only does his head not belong, but I'm not sure that his body belongs in that room either! Heres my thoughts

1) is it just me or is he sitting on a toilet??

2) While the room is lit with tungsten lights, which cause yellow tinting and harsh shadows, the light on his body is diffused and blueish, like window light. Theres no sign of a window next to him to make light like that.

3) There is something about the angle between whatever hes sitting on and the chair behind him that is just wrong. To me it looks like the living room was shot at standing eye level and the image of "him" the camera was sitting on a table. He looks like hes floating!

4) his head looks like its lit with straight on flash, but we already know that doesn't go with his body :P

This is what happens if I dont get enough contact with my fellow photographers/photoshop nerds, I inflict photo babel on innocent blog readers.

I actually hope I'm wrong about all this because if I'm right it means he actually put some time into photoshopping that image....and it ended up looking like THAT!! Oy!

RebelJubilee said...

Aha! I figured it out. He put the head in the picture because he's ashamed that he's really got that glass coke bottle in his pants and he was worried that his grandma would have a heart attack while she was trolling craigs list for her next hookup.

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

Oh God, I feel like I'm going to throw-up. This guy looks like my bestfriend's dad! I'll never be able to face him again.

Reisa Stone said...

If you guys think bizarre personals ads are uncommon, check out a dating site called Mate1. Unbelievable. I snorted my drink out my nose the whole time reading it.

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