Monday, January 19, 2009

The Power!

Looking for a fun date 28m

I'm looking for a beautiful woman to accompany me to dinner. Hopefully you are interesting and appreciate my sense of humor. Honestly, I want to get laid of course so you must be the sexual type.

Long term is possible. I am an avid rock climber and enjoy water skiing and hope to compete next year at XXXXXXXXXX. I hope you might enjoy these things but once again I want have sex so please keep that in mind. If you aren't horny than please don't waste my time.

Matt


Today the Weasel will channel Matt's ad to teach women to truly understand and appreciate the overwhelming power of Sperm.

I don't think women spend much time thinking about Sperm. Sure, they know it's something they have to chisel off their ribcage in the morning with a fingernail. They know it tastes like something that leaked out of a helicopter gearbox, and the nuanced flavor tends to haunt their mouth like a Tide-flavored poltergeist. Most importantly, they at least know not to let Sperm around their free-range eggs when nature calls for the cock of a tattooed fry cook born with webbed flippers and some type of fucking bird beak on his forehead.

To men however, Sperm is a version of God. Just take away the powers of fire, lightning and locusts, and replace them with the Power of Pillowstaining, the Power of Bleach, and a wide array of refreshingly original freestyle swimming strokes.

What women don't know is that Sperm makes guys do stupid fucking shit. Ask any guy the stupidest fucking thing he's ever done, and undoubtedly that act will lead directly back to Sperm. Confront Sperm with the evidence, and He'll just sit there whistling and shrugging His shoulders, as if He actually had shoulders. We, as men, must take full responsibility for Sperm's actions. Because without Sperm, we are weak. We are pasty little lambs frightened of our shadows and the wind created by passing flies.

Matt's ad is a perfect example of the power of Sperm. I'm sure Matt's actually a great guy and not as self-centered as his ad appears. So let's take a closer look at what actually transpired:

Matt: "I'm looking for a beautiful woman to to accompany to dinner......".

Sperm: "YOU WILL WRITE 'I HONESTLY WANT TO GET LAID'."

Matt: "I don't know Sperm, I think that's just a little forward and some women might construe it as........."

Sperm "YOU WILL DO IT NOW!"

Matt: Yes sir.

Five minutes later:

Matt: "Long term is possible. I am an avid..........."

Sperm: "YOU WILL WRITE 'IF YOU'RE NOT HORNY DON'T WASTE MY TIME!"

Matt: "Now come on Sperm. I will have zero chance of .... .... . "

Sperm: "YOU WILL DO IT NOW OR I WILL SHRINK YOUR FUCKING SACK AND COAT YOUR FUCKING FACE WITH ACNE!"

Matt: Yes, sir.

As you can see, Matt is simply a worthless pawn in Sperm's game. And the problem is Sperm simply has no game with women.

So how, you ask, do you release a man from Sperm's grip? You must release the Sperm, and if you don't know how to do that yet, you need to visit a Bakersfield biker bar at 1 am with an edible thong, five tabs of ecstasy and a three-ply dental dam.

For after a man ejaculates he is finally a man of his own devices for five minutes, a man with no Sperm. And as you'll immediately discover, a man powered simply by his own devices is a weak, whining little worthless bitch who doesn't want you to touch him and just wants to sleep in the fetal position. So what is a woman to do?

Nothing. You're totally, completely fucked.

Sorry.

(Thankfully, we don't have to listen to the endless confusing ministrations and 577 languages of Vagina. That thing has more opinions than fucking CitySearch. I'm surprised women don't just walk around in circles clucking like a goddamn chicken.)

44 comments:

Eccentric_Lady said...

You have killed me, Weasel, you have killed me.

I was laughing so hard I'm breathless!

Canoncowgirl said...

Sometimes I do walk in circles clucking like a chicken, but its just to confuse Vagina into shutting up for a few. See, this is why we need you around Weasel! You get it :D

Unfortunately my boss isn't as understanding and so was a tad freaked out when he came into the store and found me punching myself in the vagina yelling "Shut up! Enough with your opinions!" but then I think his sperm commanded him to go off and do something manly to impress the women folk, so it all worked out.

Weasel said...

Damn you guys are quick! Evelyn Wood speed readers.

Anonymous said...

Nothing. You're totally, completely fucked.

Sorry.


Bahahahaha - fucking priceless!!! Love you to bits Weasel :)

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha....

brilliant stuff!

This is just fantastic, and I walk around in circles clucking like a chicken most days, naturally.

RebelJubilee said...

Wonderful! and please, I hear enough from Vagina to confuse an entire roomful of Einsteins don't post it here. You'd be able to see the explosion from space...

ranearia said...

I shall blame Sperm the next time I see a rock climber thinking he's better then the womenfolk who climb.
It does explain why most rock climbers when they fall and break many bones become a pussy, the sperm left them on the fall

Maribelle said...

Nice, nice...

4thehorses said...

And I just love a soft, pinkish white boy with no body hair. MMMMmmmm. Also love his girlish waistline. Eeeek.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

This is the saddest excuse for a rock climber I've seen. My friend jeff, on the other hand, is a fine example of the drool-worth muscles they can get (although his legs really aren't that small in real life). He is very, very taken by a super nice she-climber and seems to have the SPERM well under control. I wish he'd share his secret with the others..

I will always recommend the rock gym as a great place to go for eye-candy!!

robyn said...

Oh, this is hilarious, Weaz--you've outdone yourself!

At least Matt gets points for honesty (ie, letting that Sperm) shiine on through).

Walk On said...

I would prefer a fat boy over this bonepile..... I'm pretty sure I'd break him. And who would want to meet up w/ the bones in that pelvis? No thanks, I want a man I can roll around on.

"frightened of our shadows and the wind created by passing flies." - also describes a horse I used to ride. :D

"And as you'll immediately discover, a man powered simply by his own devices is a weak, whining little worthless bitch who doesn't want you to touch him and just wants to sleep in the fetal position. So what is a woman to do?"

LMAO. Damn. Ya know, as an independent-type female, I draw whiney ass mama boys everywhere I go. Now I know what's wrong with them - mama didn't give them any sperm. I'm not talking post-nookie either, they are like this all the time.

CutNJump said...

So how, you ask, do you release a man from Sperm's grip?


I almost read that wrong. Sick. Sick Weasel. Sick. Snark.


(Thankfully, we don't have to listen to the endless confusing ministrations and 577 languages of Vagina. That thing has more opinions than fucking CitySearch. I'm surprised women don't just walk around in circles clucking like a goddamn chicken.)


ROFLMFAO!

CutNJump said...

Can I have his waistline.

It would look better on me.

You would all be so jealous...

Anma said...

Fan-fucking-tastic! You HAVE outdone yourself.

And the reason I don't have much compassion for men under the influence of Sperm is because I envy their ability to rid themselves of that Sperm.

We never get our five Vagina-less minutes, do we? No, we don't. Where's our refractory period? I guess I can't speak for all women here, but as far as I go, I must constantly fight against Vagina's orders, with no means of shutting Her up; it's just painful self-discipline.

Also, I'll echo Thingthatperplexme's assertion that rock-climbers make great eye-candy. I started climbing a couple months ago. They've got the best physiques I've ever seen--not too bulky, not too slender, not too anything, all fantastic. Best part? A lot of these guys are nerds, which, anywhere else, might seem like a paradox.

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO!!!!!!! (hhoooo hooooo HAAA HAAAAA!!!!) Omg, I love the dialogue!

TornadoBaby said...

OT but only kind of-

Remember poo-face-too-much-tanner-party-boy? I found his favorite childhood toy that MUST be to blame for that! *eye roll*

http://failblog.org/2009/01/23/bronzer-fail/

Persnickety Ticker said...

Thankfully I swallowed the coffee before I read this post because you are a FREAKING GENIUS, WEASEL!!!

(Your head must be so swollen with all these women fawning over you.)

Thingsthatperplexme said...

there's a gem on the gainesville craigslist today which I had to share with you ladies because I am ROFLMAO'ing at it:

i love you long-time, 5 dollar - 27 (Gainesville, FL)

I'm a poorly-dressed misogynist who panics in social situations who is seeking a really hot, petite, possibly asian girl for uncommitted sex. I'm awesome and women who don't have sex with me are just too stupid to see how awesome I am. True story: God created men first so we own this place, and women were created from men so they owe us. This means I can be a smelly pig-monster but you still owe me sex. You, however, cannot be a smelly pig-monster.

I expect to receive many qualified applicants with this ad because only the truly worthy women will recognize my genius and cocksuredness. If I don't get back to you please don't take it personally, you're just ugly.

Obligatory pick-up line: Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

Calantha said...

Oh this is just painful to read.

lamexicanita86 said...

Little Matty has a lovely feminine wasp waist. Absolutely irresistible.

Weas, the part about the sperm-less man is priceless. I hope your "fucking sack" doesn't shrink because I said this, but you *do* know how to get inside a woman's head.

Thingsthatperplexme's comment reminded me of this:

http://www.all-creatures.org/humor/evehasa.html

Ashers said...

I would love to think that this was Sperm talking and Matt is a decent person, but you know, I don't think it is.

It's just yet another bloke who thinks women are just bodies for them to use.

He'd better sort out that shitty arse attitude pretty damn quick otherwise he'll remain a virgin all his life ! With any luck.

Hmmm, can you tell I'm feeling a bit cynical tonight ?

Ophelia said...

Rock-climber? Read: he rode the Matterhorn at Disneyland.

LegendsLiveOn said...

Seeing this, I hardcore LOL'ed. My boyfriend's name is Matt, and he does have quite the waspish figure... except with muscles. This poor guy here... ROFL.

Anonymous said...

4thehorses said:

"And I just love a soft, pinkish white boy with no body hair. MMMMmmmm. Also love his girlish waistline. Eeeek."

and now I have the Beastie Boys song in my head:

"all the gurlies say I'm pretty fly...for a white guy"

Bwahahaha!!!

Bree said...

That is Offspring Pretty Fly for a White Guy

Anonymous said...

D'oh!!

either way, it is rather fitting.

Hyena Overlord said...

Talking sperm + skinny white guy = Pinky and the Brain.

"what are we going to do tonight Brain?"

"Same thing we do every night, try to get laid."

robyn said...

Okay, this doesn't have a whole lot to do w/ the current topic, but I got it as an email and find it quite funny:

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort
to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Ian Allen said...

This kid is HOT. I'd like to WASTE more than his time. NASTY!!!!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I have to admit, that ad didn't bother me much. He's hot, and he's honest. It's not like some guy who looks nine months pregnant, but with back hair like Chewbacca, who wants the same thing, apparently not realizing that he should be in the erotic services section trying to figure out how many "roses" he has to offer.

However, the sperm-to-human conversation was hilarious!

nip/tuck said...

Ditto on the LMAO after the vagina zinger...

Thanks Weaz - needed that today! :)

CutNJump said...

Hyena Overlord-
>Talking sperm + skinny white guy = Pinky and the Brain.

"what are we going to do tonight Brain?"

"Same thing we do every night, try to get laid."<


Gotta add though-

"what happens later, when we can't get laid?"

"we go rub one out, just like we always do."

"oh, okay, riiiiight."

Brandy said...

Tears, I think....

Crying, being able to or willing to cry, seems to be one way to break SPERM's grip on the male of the species.

Because crying for the right reasons can turn you from a guy to a MAN.

Agree on the girly physique of this young thing. Put some meat on, you want to catch pneumonia?

Hyena Overlord said...

Fabulous CnJ...*LMAO*

CutNJump said...

Brandy said...
Tears, I think....

Crying, being able to or willing to cry, seems to be one way to break SPERM's grip on the male of the species.

Because crying for the right reasons can turn you from a guy to a MAN.


Tears for any other reason though- turns a guy into a Giant Pussy! Still don't want to be around him, now even less.

Reisa Stone said...

Oh Weasel, you have outdone yourself.

*snicker* said...

OMFG!! That's hilarious! The bit where he made a complete fool of himself was my favourite!!!

The Beautiful Kind said...

You should sell t-shirts that say, "My sperm tells me what to do."

And personally (read in another comment) I love back hair like Chewbacca. Hairless men are like breastless women.

WinterMusic said...

Asher said:

He'd better sort out that shitty arse attitude pretty damn quick otherwise he'll remain a virgin all his life ! With any luck.

We can only hope!

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