Friday, October 24, 2008

The Dictator

Beautiful cock now available for worship

Women adore worshipping my enormous perfect cock, do you want to give it a try? I'm 7+ glorious inches, circumcised, with a long hearty thick shaft, and, nicely shaved balls. I have an enormous cumshot sure to please you. Mine is nice and hard,come suck on my absolutely beautiful, hard, and juicy, cock tonight. David.

Yeah, we get it David. Your breathtaking, blue-ribbon cock is a masterpiece, a gland even more awe-inspiring than a box of kittens with bone cancer singing "The Star Spangled Banner."

We must see to it that your penis is immediately placed on a delicate velvet pillow, enclosed in an airtight oxygen chamber, surrounded by armed guards, and transported to the Chamber of Esteemed Genitalia in Vienna, Austria.

You know ladies, it wasn't always this way.

Like all men, David was once an innocent little boy just like yours, a boy happily willing to exchange everything between his legs for 5 minutes alone with a cheap Japanese talking robot with rotating sirens. Yet David has morphed into a grown man sitting at his computer, scribing an ode to his penis with the same intensity of a modern beat poet sitting on a cliffside, cursing birds for their ability to fly.

How does this awful transformation take place?

When a boy is 6 years of age, his penis merely seems a nuisance, an unsightly weed sprouting from the cracks in the driveway of his body. It pees on his Batman sheets, flops around like an agitated salmon in his Toughskin jeans, and sometimes gets hard and leaks gerbil tears.

But by the age of 11, the testicles foment an uprising against the body. Armed with millions of white-tailed, bleach-flavored soldiers, the oft-neglected penis launches a brutal takeover of the body and quickly establishes an absolute monarchy. The demands? Hustler magazine, constant visual contact with breasts, and all the vaginas you could hope to fit in the Grand Canyon. And then some. For eternity.

So it's not David talking here, it's his cock. Like all men, his cock is shaping his every action and decision. He has no choice.

As he wrote this ad, I'm sure David sat at his computer weeping lightly to himself "Please, cock, don't make me do this," but his words were wasted on pleading to the Master.

"Type it, bitch! G-l-o-r-i-o-u-s!"

So next time a guy says something offensive to you, remember, it's not him. If you need to get the message across to a man, kick him in the fucking balls. Then he'll understand.

(This entry, as are all entries, was written by The Weasel's balls. Which are far more glorious than David's.)

27 comments:

Ashers said...

I knew I was doing something wrong ! Talking to a bloke's face when I should've been looking much lower, that's where the brains of the outfit are....although perhaps brains isn't quite the right word....

Mary said...

So are you saying that if we cut off every man's penis, the world would be a better place?

I'M GAME!

Havocec said...

Gee if my husbands penis were 2 inches shorter it would be perfect, like David's.

I say we take all the penises away from the men. They really haven't done anything with them. End world hunger, world peace, or streets paved in gold?

No, take them away. You men are grounded. When they grow up they can have them back just like the guy with the goggles.

Weasel said...

You can go ahead and cut off every man's penis- except mine.

Then I'd be fuckin like a fruit fly.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

The whole ad is a logical fallacy. If he was that great, he wouldn't be posting online looking for a woman - he'd have one, because she wouldn't have left no matter how much insufferable crap he pulled. Really fantastic sex is the explanation for a lot of those "WTF?!?" pairings that so annoy the single guys who aren't getting any.

Rhyadawn said...

Oooh... 7, wow (NOT!!!) I agree they should have detatchable penises. Would make life so much easier.

And Ashers, if you were looking down there to talk to them it would be followed by them imediatly shoving your head down there "because you obviously wanted to!" I don't recomend it

CaliGirl9 said...

(Caligirl is sharpening a knife and checking her anatomy books to see the best place to place the first incision. David is first up. Oh what the hell, just make it one quick swipe, just like castrating a lamb or docking its tail. Then have him sit on the stump to help it clot off. Works for sheep.)

Betcha David has a bad case of butterface, or more accurately butt-hisface. Or he's got the personality of an amoeba. Sorry for insulting amoebas. Especially Entamoeba histolytica or Naegleria fowleri. Those are some amoeba with personality!

Weasel, that is the best explanation of male puberty I have ever read. I think you might consider a second career as a sex ed teacher.

SweetPea said...

Fugs... I hear ya. If you're THAT great in bed, then word gets around and you don't lack for wet vaginas panting to get a taste of your cock. End of story :)

anniebanannie said...

You know, I'm really interested in how many, if any, responses guys get to these ads. I mean really.

It would seem to me that these ads must work on some level or there wouldn't be guys taking photo's of their penis, composing ads and placing them on the internet.

Does anyone know?

Weasel said...

I actually wanted to post question that on WWHM as a poll- because there is literally no way ANY woman has ever responded to an ad like this, and ads like this make up about half the ads out there.

Quarter to Three Studios said...

great. now i've got the song "detachable penis" in my head.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bRs6KWDsc0

Mack Truck said...

Again, there's that whole "I'm so full of cum you ladies are gonna LOVE it" line.

Nope, I DON'T love being splooged in the face with hot, white goo. Nor do I enjoy having to run to the bathroom right after sex, to clean up globs of runny semen oozing down my legs. Blech!

It's too bad that David's glorious penis is attached to such a loser. It'll NEVER get any action!

Appybutt said...

It's not the penis that's the brains, it's the balls.

Instead of going Lorena Bobbit on all the men in the world, let's geld them!

I mean, look what happens when we do it to horses. The randy stud colt goes from trying to hump everything from his mother to the barn cat to a quiet soul whose penis now dangles harmlessly in the breeze.

Walk On said...

lmao, so, I'm not the only one who remembers the song "Detachable Penis'? I was gonna mention it, but I figured no one would believe that was actually a song.

And no, the name isn't random, the song is sung by this guy w/ a detachable penis who looses it then finds and buys it later at a yard sale or something.

First time I heard it, the only thought that crossed my mind was "dude, cut your stash with something else!".

The problem isn't the balls, it's the dick they're attached to. And I don't mean penis.

Ella said...

Why do all men think they have the most gorgeous cocks? I personally think they are all pretty ugly looking. Its a dangling, viscous organ not a work of art. Really now.

Brandy said...

Dick taters. Heehee!

Yes, a penis should be earned! And as for boobs - don't stare, grow your own!

Nicole said...

I'm sorry, but I have to say it. Its all well and good if you have the length, but if you don't know how to use it...its just another garden variety trouser snake.
PS Its about the girth as well, and I'm not talking about how big your balls are...

kalmanen said...

I'm glad you cencored it Weasel, it might be too glorious for us!

Mary said...

Speaking of balls...

Is it just me or are they the ugliest thing in the world? My husband likes to tuck his (well over 7"...I'd probably laugh at 7 now) penis into them then pull from the bottom up and cover his penis completely then chase me around the house because it looks so bad!!!

And yes, after looking through ads for women, there are skanks that will answer to penis ads.

connemaranz said...

"Turkey neck and turkey gizzard". I have never figured out why anyone can consider penis and balls to be visually attractive.
The largest and best sex organ in either sex, is the *brain*. Pity a few more people didn't realise it.....
And if it is just a matter of getting 'your rocks off' this is less physiological than a good sneeze - a sneeze involves the brain, orgasm is via spinal reflex arc. The brain isn't involved at all.... Orgasmic sneeze anyone?

Zwitter said...

I've gotta say, having a detachable penis is a bit of a pain ("Hold that thought, honey, just let me fumble in this dresser drawer for a couple minutes until I find where I left my wang") but in the end it beats the alternative. Plus with detachables you can always upgrade to a better model with minimal hassle.

And I actually know a fella who'd rather be without his penis most of the time. Says it gets in the way and looks goofy and doesn't do much else. It's a funny world.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Mary, perhaps another blog is down the road re Things You Should Not Do If You Want Your Wife To Continue Having Sex With You? :-)

Mary said...

HAHAHAHAA! Cathy, man, I have a full list of them. There's a reason I call my husband a 6' toddler. He's just as fasinated with his dick as I am! The only difference is, when he plays with it, he normall makes sound effects or sings.

Appybutt said...

This is a good quote from a TV show on the, um, attractiveness of a penis.

"But is it supposed to look like that? You're seriously telling me there was a choice, and someone said, 'Ah, yes, that's the look we want, the last chicken in the shop look!'"


I had a boyfriend who would stand beside me when I was on the computer and unzip his pants and put his wang right next to my ear and see how long it took me to notice.

he's an ex for a reason.

Nosnikta said...

*** I had a boyfriend who would stand beside me when I was on the computer and unzip his pants and put his wang right next to my ear and see how long it took me to notice ***

ROFLMAO... I think they all do that. I just flick it.

dangermouth said...

I'm really disappointed that you didn't use the opportunity to say "Star Spangled Boner". For shame.

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