Thursday, October 30, 2008

Mr. Sensitivity

Looking for a woman as frustrated as me with this shit

Maybe im just not saying the right stuff in my posts. I wont kill or rape you i swear, just want to make you feel good because as weird as it sounds, there are actually some guys who find great pleasure in making woman feel good just to make the world a better place and dont want to just shoot thier load and dump the bitch To be honest it sickens and insults me at how insensative woman think guys are sometimes. Pael

Hello class! Welcome to WWHM 101, where today we hope to instruct Pael how a woman processes a personal ad.

Right behind a woman's ear lies an absorbent, spongy gland called the GHSP, or goddamn horse shit processor. The GHSP strains and extracts meaningful words and phrases from the virtual spraying shit hose of misinformation, false assurances, and distortions exhibited in men's personal ads. Straining a personal ad is similar to straining a pot of pasta noodles, Pael, only your flaccid penis doesn't haunt our personal space like a fucking boneless ferret hanging from a doorknob.

With the help of my secretary Dolores, I just strained your ad Pael, and her GHSP extracted the words "rape", "kill", "shit" and "bitch." Strangely, it also extracted 450mG of Viagra, a Ronco 3-gear Penis Pump, and a small Scottish boy questioning the whereabouts of his parents.

Dolores' GHSP then sent this information to her cerebral cortex where an appropriate response was formulated- she gouged her eyes out with a spork, threw her ovaries in a fern, took a vow of celibacy, and moved to a remote convent where she now harvests peas and cries herself to sleep at night.

So, yeah Pael, I think you might want to re-think some of the words in your personal ad. But I completely understand how it sickens and insults you that women find men sooooo insensitive. Because you know just what women want: just a grainy photo of your cock, some nauseating discourse, and a generous heaping of blame. That's sensitivity to a woman's needs!

In your next ad, you should offer them a free apron and a vacuum cleaner. That'll get 'em!

22 comments:

Jen Shizuka said...

"Because you know just what women want"...

Pardon me while I, as the kids today say, "lawl."

Weasel, you are brilliant as always. Your extremely entertaining commentary always convinces me that unlike these fellows, you actually understand women and would make a great boyfriend/husband.

... NOT that I'm intarweb-hitting-on-you, I'm happily married. Just... keep up the good work. XD

Hjorrdis said...

yes, no one answered my ad the first time, so instead I'll post an angry whining ad with a picture of my ugly naked body. I'm sure that will work.

nosey said...

You know...I never liked school, but the education you provide is glorious. I am kind of ashamed that I did not know where the GHSP was but I knew I had one.

Thank you weasel.

Looking forward to another semester at WWHM. You are a teacher that does make a difference!

horsegal said...

Excellent commentary Weasel! I'm still shotting coffee out my nose while re-reading...

I too am glad to know where the GHSP is. I knew I had one, but I thought it was just the voices in my head...

Rozie said...

So thats why Iam never even remotely tempted by some of the studs on WWHM, it was my GHSP at work. And here is me thinking it was because they are so fucking revolting and disgusting I would rather go without.LOL.
The things you learn on WWHM :)

Nosnikta said...

His nipple is watching me. Regardless of where I stand in the room... it's watching me. It follows me everywhere. :-|

nosey said...

OMG Nosnikta! Too funny!!!!

nosey said...

weasel, let us know if the wee lad find's his parents.

SassyBrunette said...

"I wont kill or rape you i swear," "shoot thier load and dump the bitch," "insults me at how insensative woman think guys are." GHSP extraction complete. Next!

This IS brilliant! That is EXACTLY how I process these ads. I call them red flags. Very much an indicator of future issues, not to be taken lightly.

And as hjorrdis said, that sure is an ugly, naked body!

CaliGirl9 said...

Sadly, some women were not born with the GHSP, or it has not developed properly for some reason. The estrogen/progesterone/oxytocin and testosterone balance is critical for this gland to function properly.

The consequence of a malfunctioning DHSP is the inability to judge character, and these sad women go on to date or even marry bad men.

You know, guys like Lee (our "Prison Break" stud), Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer and our latest poster child, William Balfour.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

It's really simple. Any sign that you have anger issues, and women run FAR, FAR away, since none of us want to wind up cornered by a psycho with a knife who thinks they saw us wink at the bag boy at the supermarket.

Walk On said...

oh crap...Weasel is on to us...he knows about the detector!

Brandy said...

"I'm sick of all this shit" so I put up a picture of the ONE thing you DON'T want to see!

Well, kudos on being brave enough to share your shortcomings with the world. But really, women don't want to see that before we've even heard the sound of your voice!

Doorknob, LOL! Maybe if he WAS shaped like a doorknob, or a mushroom... Although it doesn't look like the standard of beauty, it gets the job done soooo much better! Like getting your house cleaned by Angelina Jolie, or by Kim and Aggie!

And yes, women sooo love the swears.

LOL at ovaries in the fern!! Weasel, you rawk!

Weasel said...

I cannot believe guys don't have the ability to stand back, look at what they write or say, and then make the qualification "Hmmm, maybe that ISNT the best thing ot say."

Clueless.

Calantha said...

Guy might've gotten at least one response if he'd posted just a picture of his face instead. Really, what made him think a picture of his junior and his somewhat flabby body was going to turn on a ton of women?

Nosnikta said...

(hee hee) she called it his junior

Diane said...

Weasel, I'm glad to see you returning to your roots. The bread and butter of WWHM is back, with ads that don't necessarily disgust or shock, but are loaded with some men's inability to communicate. I had been getting a little disillusioned with the blog and wondering if you were just going to feature the sickest ads you could find instead of the nice mix of disturbing and inept that drew me in at the very start. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Um, did anyone notice how he so purposely placed the lighting.....maybe hoping for shadows, to make "it" look bigger than his nipples.
LOL

Seraph said...

Holy freaking crap...

I think that is my ex-housemate o.o

Is this ad from Australia?

Ella said...

I'm intraweb hitting on you Weasel.

Lynda said...

I must have missed that chapter in A&P class many years ago when my ex mother in law wanted me to be a nurse...... didnt know about the GHSP.... now I know Im ok and I can stop taking my meds now...

Joe Mama said...

I just had to laugh at "I won't kill or rape you I swear." It's pretty bad when you have to reassure someone of this in a personal ad.