Thursday, October 23, 2008

WWHM Presents: By Popular Reader Demand!

I've got your truth right here

Ok, so here's what I've learned from this site so far..... about 90% of the "women" on here are hypocritical, self-absorbed liars.... and at least 99% are sad, sorry little girls barely even old enough to know what a real date is. If there is one thing I can take from this site, it's the knowledge that most of you "women", (yes, I am using quotation marks for a reason) are looking for the same thing... and probably the same thing they just broke up with... Some pretty-boy douchbag with a jacked up truck and white framed sunglasses. Tell you what, just make it easier on yourselves and wear a tight shirt that says "I'm easy, now please take me home and treat me like garbage" Tell the truth. Let guys know that your not looking for "a smart, sesitive guy", or "Mr. right". Tell guys your looking for someone who measure up to whatever man meat is gracing the screen on whatever soap opera your watching while you sit and wallow in your own pool of washed up self-esteem. Or maybe you have and you've already popped out a kid or 4, in which case.... wow. You're on the path for a sad awakening. Chris.

Chris, I'm not saying this ad contains a lot of whine, but half my readers just drunken-dialed their ex-boyfriends and the other half are crying about a dog that died twelve years ago.

Chris is angry because no one responded to his initial personal ad. Which made him post an angrier personal ad, which even fewer women responded to, which led him to post this ad that, ironically, plenty of women are responding to. Unfortunately for Chris, I just assembled those responses into a 1,233 page manuscript titled "A Complete World History of Euphemisms for Needy, Small-Cocked and Desperate Losers," and sold it to Bantam Books for $1.3 million.

Women don't want men with jacked-up trucks and white sunglasses, Chris. If that was true, your insecure ass would be driving down to Sunglass Hut in your new lifted Ford Ranger. But inside that Ford Ranger would be the same hyper-jealous, needy fuckstick that doesn't have any motivation, calls his girlfriend 2,000 times a day to check up on her, can't make a decision for himself, and wants nothing more to spend the rest of his life inside his mother's aging, distended womb. And then you'd complain that women only like guys with tattoos and Porsches.

Here's a clue: most women would like a guy in a 1977 AMC Gremlin carrying a My Pretty Pony lunchpail if only he was a man and not a bitch to wipe the floor with.

What I think you need most is a frosted bear cookie, some warm milk, and a little nappypoo. And many WWHM'ers agree, seeing as how I've gotten this ad 5 times from my readers. That's nearly as many times I've gotten chlamydia from my readers, so readers, please stop sleeping with the WWHM personal ad posters. My season pass to the free clinic expires tomorrow.

If you really feel women are on a path to a sad awakening Chris, then I'm guessing you're already at the destination?

25 comments:

Allison said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allison said...

I've read this three times, called my husband to read it to him, and I'm still laughing. This is the greatest blog. Ever. While I'm guessing you're as neurotic and retarded as anyone else, your sense of humor is my favorite kind. Mean, witty, and a little over the top.

redwards said...

awww, somebody has a case of NiceGuy(tm)!

CaliGirl9 said...

That's a seriously cute little Carolina Hurricanes fan.

How sad in that 15 years from now he will be doing the same thing at hockey games, only difference is he will reek of overpriced hockey arena beer and probably be missing several teeth and some hair.

(Have you ever been crammed in a light rail car chock full o' testosterone pumping, beer-swilling males after an NHL game? Oh the odors are n-a-s-t-y!!!)

Oh, and to Mr. Douche Chris, pot, meet kettle. You reap what you sow.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I keep reading these ads from guys who warn women that they'll regret making those bad choices when they're older. My favorite is when they start quoting Tom Leykis about women past their expiration date. Um, guys? I think Tom is a hoot but Tom gets away with that shit because Tom is really fucking rich even though he is a fugly little man who appears to be approximately six months pregnant. And if you have enough money, you can resemble the surface of that dish of gruel that someone left in back of the office refrigerator last February and you will still get, as Tom puts it, more ass than a toilet seat. You, buddy, do not even have the money for a jacked-up truck (which honestly, would turn me off cold. It screams "half my wardrobe is camo and I have a shrine to Dale Earnhart in my bedroom.")

I wonder if the OP is still a virgin? Kind of sounds like it. It's scary how many are still out there in their 30s or 40s. They like to post on CL offering some lucky woman the chance to deflower them. Again, sex with virgins is something men think is cool. Based upon the Internet virginity auctions that have netted five figures plus for the chance, they think it is very cool. (I was born in the wrong era. To think, I gave it away for free when it could have bought me a nice truck and horse trailer!) Most women would rather scrub their kitchen floor with a nail brush than have sex with an inexperienced, fumbling guy.

SweetPea said...

Fugs:

"... could have bought me a nice truck and horse trailer!"


OMG!! So true... what was I thinking?

Mack Truck said...

Uh oh Fugs, my truck is jacked up. I had add-a-leafs put on when I bought my trailer, so the horses could ride level instead of on a slant. Does that make me a bad person?

I also own a pair of insulated cammo biballs that I wear in the winter, because I HATE to be cold.

Of course, I'm a WOMAN, so I think I can be excused for my truck and redneck outfit. After all, it's just ONE outfit.

Wow, dude has a sad case of hatin', doesn't he? What's that old Bible verse, you reap what you sow? I think ol' Chris has always treated women like scum, and is now wondering why they're not throwing themselves at him.

I gave AWAY my virginity as soon as I could. To think I could have held out for a nice horse or a Featherlite makes me wanna cry....

Walk On said...

My take on this - we have a 50 year old, beer-gutted Mama's boy attempting to land a 18 yr old Pamela Anderson look alike, and is getting pissed off 'cause those types laugh right in his unibrow face.

Hence his slightly bitter (lol) comments re: "looking for someone who measure up to whatever man meat" cause ya know this man lard couldn't even measure up to the Geico Caveman. (Who looks better to me every time I read this blog!)

Walk On said...

PS... Weasel, has Bantam announced when they will release ""A Complete World History of Euphemisms for Needy, Small-Cocked and Desperate Losers"? I'd like to pre-order a copy....I could use the ammunition. :D

robyn said...

Yuh, I always dug being with a "sesitive" guy, myself.

Cool blog, weasel. You're a riot!

Weasel said...

Pic is actually pretty common and used all over the world- apparently you can go to some website, and it will put whatever jersey you want on the kid.

I've seen this exact same pic of this kid with probably about 25 different jerseys on.

Diane said...

Weasel- Bantam is primarily a children's and light novel "beach read" imprint. Maybe you'd get more dough signing on with Random House instead.

Hmmm, I've still got my bargaining chip. I wonder if I should auction it off to pay back my student loans.... and buy that Westphalian I've always wanted.

Peggy Archer said...

Mmmm.. Angry, bitter, chip on the shoulder, condescending, intolerant and ignorant.

Just what every woman wants.

Can you imagine listening to this fucker whine over dinner and the abuse he'd hurl at you when you refused to sleep with him after he shelled out all that cash to take you to Taco Bell?


Makes you wonder how he's still single.

Mack Truck said...

Diane, dahling, PLEASE hold out for that Westphalian you want! Don't give it away for anything less!

Dang, if I had known what a bargaining chip my virginity was, I'd have held out longer, and for something better than dinner and a movie!

Of course, I was anxious to get rid of it, so I can't blame anyone but myself. Sigh....

Ella said...

Of course he is destined to attract a girl by berating them the whole post. Did he even WANT to meet someone or was he just whining about the smart women who kicked his ass to the curb?

Nicole said...

I get the feeling that he wants the "punishment." He wants to be beaten down by hundreds of angry women who want to dominate him, and beat him, and then pee on his wounds. Then later, he'll call you a million times to make sure you'll do it again, because while he feels soiled on the outside...his insides have been cleaned.

horsegal said...

WHAT??? I could have sold it for FIVE FIGURES?? (Of course, I would have had to wait until I was approximately 35 tho... like fugly says, I was born in the wrong era) Yes, Diane, hold out for the student loan payback AND the Westphalian.

I think nicole might have hit in on the head. Er, so to speak.

Great posts, Weasel, I'm almost out of withdrawal now.

RebelJubilee said...

Oh, my. What an angry pissed off boy he is. Thanks, Weasel, for making my return to civilization a good one (now that I'm back to internet access). If that guy is that angry over internet ads, what do you think he'll be like when you accidentally drag mud into his '87 Buick Regal?

Rozie said...

You want some cheese with that whine, you crybaby pussy?

hackney_wonder said...

I just have a question here... where in the world do you find these ads? LOL!

I just recently stumbled upon this website. I am Fugly addict and saw it mentioned on there. Thank you Fugly for directing me to another fantastic read!

Anonymous said...

I'm more offended that this apparently "smart" guy cannot figure out the difference between "your" & "you're."

selene said...

I'm crying fucking real tears now!!!! Are ya telling me know I could have SOLD my virginity to the highest bidder instead of giving it away to the fumbling, bumbling teenage douchebag who needed a google map to direct it in and who gave one mighty thrust before collapsing on my disbelieving breast???

Gawd, I HATE monday morning quarterbacking!

Em said...

I, too, am more irritated by the fact that this douche bag doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're".

I'm also disappointed that I didn't auction away my virginity. Maybe I should send my boyfriend a belated invoice?

Goldie said...

Oh. My. God. Weasel...I love you!! *wipes away tears of glee*

xenobiologista said...

If you believe Arthur Golden all you need to do to sell your virginity for a massive amount of money is move to Japan (he's the guy who wrote that "Memoirs of a Geisha" BS...which was then made into a movie where all three female stars were Chinese, and spoke English with horrible fake Japanese accents.)