Thursday, October 23, 2008

Adventures In Internet Dating

Seking Adventureuos F 4 Advetnure

36 male am intrested in meeting women coming to strip club with me Tue or Wed. I have VIP card and know the girls, not what you think it is. I will pay for dances you pay for drinks, hoping you stroke my balls hard at club or at car. Maybe come home with dancer and share?, If intrested please be disreet, email Tripp XXXX @ XXX.com

A recent study by Cosmopolitan magazine revealed that women are particularly attracted to a man with a sense of adventure. My sister, however, didn't appreciate my "sense of adventure" when she caught me masturbating to her Cosmopolitan magazine. Sorry sis, just let it dry and peel the pages apart like an avocado.

Tripp has a keen sense of adventure, and hopes you'll accompany him to his local strip club by attempting to assure you it's "not what you think it is." So if you think it's just another unemployed vacuum salesman trying to lure you into the backseat of his 1989 Toyota Tercel for a handjob with a Ukranian woman named "Taboo," let me assure you its exactly what you think it is. After all, bragging about owning a strip club VIP card earns you about as much vaginal clout as flashing around your platinum Greyhound bus pass; her pussy will seal so tight, your penis would have better luck penetrating the entry door of a launching lunar vehicle.

On a first date, Tripp, the woman you're with wants you to focus on her, not the Keith Sweat inspired anal gyrations of a woman whose pre-work regimen involves rinsing her fallopian tubes with six quarts of Pussy Dragon perfume and inflating her breasts to 36 psi at the Shell station across the street.

Unfortunately, your suggested date focuses on you and your false sense of adventure, which appears to wholly consist of having your sour-smelling trouser onions juggled in a strip club parking lot like two lone sweatsocks in an industrial towel dryer. Meanwhile, your date is inside contracting a mutant strain of bovine herpes from a $14 plastic cup of watered-down RC Cola. Yeah, Tripp, you're a real Ferdinand fucking Magellan of the dating world.

If you're feeling a little adventurous next time you post a personal ad, why don't you embark on a little sojourn over to your SpellCheck toolbar, you impotent tree baboon. If you'll notice, the only word you spelled correctly was a number, and you didn't even spell the number.

A fine way to ensure any woman that answers your ad will have the IQ of a pre-pubescent houseplant. Which is probably exactly what you're looking for.

40 comments:

Weasel said...

I know I have some strippers that read WWHM- I kid girls, I kid.

Send angry emails to:

Sean Hannity
c/o FOX NEWS

CaliGirl9 said...

And I ask, what's in this "date" for me?

How hard (no pun intended) is it to get a VIP card to a strip club? And what are the benefits? Obviously touching the dancers, or being touched by the dancers isn't a benefit. What do ya get, all the free flat cola you can swizzle? Lots of napkins? And then I might get to go home with you and one of the girls and do what comes naturally?

No thanks, I think there's a nice rerun of Dirty Jobs I'd like to catch. Mike Rowe is dead sexy.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

"Trouser onions" - priceless.

The best part is, SHE has to pay for the DRINKS!

How very VIP of him.

SweetPea said...

I'd be more interested in the stripper than ol' what's his butt... bet they're at least something to look at. And have some brain cells... something this poor chap is obviously lacking!!

Walk On said...

"and inflating her breasts to 36 psi at the Shell station across the street."

LMAO! The mental image involving a nipple and the air hose.... POOF!! DD cup! Wait...the costume is only a D... -slow hiss of escaping air as she tweaks a nipple-

Anonymous said...

I danced my first husbands' way through college and let me tell you - these are the crustomers the girls went NUTS over (no punn intended). What a classy guy. Does he drive her to the club, or do they meet there? Would you want to ride with him? Just in case he hasn't figured it out yet, porn is in the fiction section . . . very fiction!

Mack Truck said...

Y'know what? I'm a rampant hetero female, and I'd take the strippers over this guy!

Caligirl, I'm with you. I'd rather do Mike Rowe in a sewer, than this guy in a Rolls Royce.

Peggy Archer said...

So I just sent an angry email to Sean Hannity accusing him of being a sexist fuckbag who's responsible for all the evil in the world.

My question is how will he be able to tell the difference between this email and the mail he normally gets?

Nicole said...

Mack Truck, I totally agree! I am way more turned on by the strippers than the prospect of coming (that can be taken ANY way you want it) within close proximity of this VIP asshat. What?! I have to pay for the drinks...well I hope he likes the bottled water I have in my purse, also I will have been drinking beforehand so my drinks are covered. One more thing, is this VIP thing one of those frequent lapdance cards where the 10th dance is free?

Brandy said...

I love you! When you publish your book, I'll buy it retail!

OMG, you hit it right on this one! While I enjoy strip clubs public and private, it wouldn't be a great first date! Yikes!


Haha, if I'm buying the drinks, then I get to spike them with the drug of my choice, right? Does saltpeter really work?

Ella said...

I'm not quite sure how this is adventurous. I mean, its possibly the worlds worst first day ever but not really an adventure..

Mary said...

I think a VIP card at a strip club is like the "Buy 9 coffees and get one free" that SuperAmerica offers. Buy 29 lap dances, get the 30th half priced with a bottle of Crab-B-Gone.

I've been to strip clubs. They're a blast. I have NEVER had to pay for my drinks. E-V-E-R! Normally, I have a line-up of drinks that I never get to. You better believe that I won't change that run. Even with my husband right beside me, the drinks are sent over. We share! :)

VIP Cards said...

It is nice info so for about ot the VIP cars,I think the sues of VIP card is more frequently in Europeans countries as compered to Ashien.
Online dating or Internet dating is a dating system which allows individuals.

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anyhow thanks for the good read!

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Anonymous said...

I see others have commented on the "I will pay for dances you pay for drinks,". What a fuckin' classy guy! Do I get any of the dances, or does he get them all? Does he get any of my drinks, or do I get them all?
jesus, what a low life loser! He wants a woman to supplement his strip club stroll, and to jerk him off afterwards, because the women usually don't "sleep with the money."

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