Monday, October 20, 2008

Snatched!

I'll Shave your snatch

I'll shave your snatch if you shave my back..Foreal deal hit me up. Geoff

The staff here at WWHM regularly puts a select group of females through a battery of tests to determine which words they like and don't like in personal ads.

The first word I realized women don't appreciate is when I referred to them as our "testees."

After receiving a furious beating with a battalion of extremely fashionable purses and gorgeous yet simplistic footwear, I calmed down the participants by referring to them as "subjects," and by providing a bowl of low-carb movie snacks and telling them I really liked their new breezy, modern hairstyles.

We've discovered one of the most popular words that instantly turn a great personal ad into a bad one is the inclusion of the term "snatch." In fact, I actually have a clip of such an ad stored in my archives. Roll the tape!

".....I'm physically fit, professionally employed and the proud father of two beautiful girls ages 6 and 8. But after happily getting divorced two years ago, I really miss the sweet smell of a moistened snatch, ........."

The word "snatch" instantly drains any sexuality out of the vagina, as it sounds like a term more qualified to describe an Indian hut constructed out of palm fronds, or perhaps a certain species of flightless quail. To put it in perspective, gentlemen, imagine a lusty woman approaching you and begging to fondle your stiffened "wheat germ." Believe me, your cock will drain so fast you'll wish your taint had airbags.

Back to Geoff though, a man whose back hair could nourish a pasture full of Namibian field goats. Geoff wants to trade an unpleasant activity (shaving his back) for a pleasant activity (shaving your "snatch"). Apparently Geoff thinks he's a Early American colonist and you are a Native American Indian, a proud people who once traded away a piece of land the size of Connecticut for a jug of moonshine and a pair of pointy English lounge shoes.

Geoff, shaving your back can involve anyone with one arm, a pulse, and a shocking disregard for the disgusting. But shaving her pussy requires trust, and women don't trust their pussy to a man who calls it a "snatch".

And on a personal note Geoff, The Weasel will admit that when he was a small boy, a boy so young his hairless and marble smooth testicles still gripped to his thorax like two baby koalas to their mother, he actually used the word snatch during a sexual encounter. And even at 15, her legs snapped shut like a well-oiled fox trap onto my startled baby turtle head, and transformed the glorious pink sheen of my legume-sized penis to a color more typical of a two month old banana sealed in a Sara Lee sandwich bag.

"Never again," my brain told me.

Any other mood-killing words or phrases women hate, you can post in the comments. Or you can just bash me for actually once saying "snatch."

92 comments:

Weasel said...

Don't ever call my dick a "thingy". God, I hate that!

You know who you are!

Ashers said...

I hate "well hung". A bloke says that and I immediately think old meat !!!

And the very SECOND I see or hear "no strings attached" my legs seal together like a mermaid's tail !!! Go pay a prostitute you looser !!

Weasel said...

"Well hung" always makes me think of bananas. Or a fern in a nice apartment.

Ashers said...

Or maybe a pheasant - well hung and all gamey !! Ew !

sandrad said...

Cunt is even worse than snatch in my book.

Rozie said...

The worst is cunt. But what I also hate is when they use the word "cum",
or funbags.

horsegal said...

I must be feeling queasy this morning.. I got a visual of shearing that hair off his back with electric horse clippers, and it falling away in soft chunks over the wrists and hands of the shaver... about made me need a clambucket.

And oh yeah, right, that's an even trade, like I'd let him even close with a razor! Unlike shearing a hairy back with industrial strength clippers, there is alot of finesse and detail work that goes into the girl trim. Which of course, is what he's after.. it's just the thinking that it can somehow be good for the woman to shear, I mean, shave HIM. *rrrr GAK!*

Makes me want to contact the guy just to see if he got any takers. I mean, REALLY.

Great posts Weas, have a good sleep! And, your comment also jsut begs me to askk... what do you want us to call it? 8*D

Anonymous said...

I hate when guys say "I'm going to make your pussy drip with cum."

look I know thats what happens when a pussy is horny, but when it is said like that I automaticaly think gross infection.

ChestnutJumper784 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Whiskey Me Away said...

I know you talk about Funbags in the next post, but man... Funbags..I hate that word. I have a male friend that has used that word, and he will never get to play my "funbags". I can't even begin to describe how sexy that doesn't make me feel. Funbags sounds like a a ride at the fair; what do they think it's a water ride that's going to get us soaked?

Anonymous said...

I hate "cunt" and "pussy". You want to lick my cat? I doubt she'd like that very much...

I think most guys who tell everyone they are "well-hung"... aren't.

And good God.. that back is just gross.

Aly Carm said...

Fun bags makes me think of those stupid inflatable clowns, you know, the ones as a kid you could punch and hit and go all Jackie Chan on, and they just bounce up again? That vision alone would cause me to quickly punch someone in the face if they used that word in my presence as a method of survival. Ain't NO ONE going Jackie Chan on my boobs... although I am sadly lacking in that department *goes off to cry*

Thingsthatperplexme said...

I love it when men say they're "hung like a horse" .... I just look at them and say, deadpan, "no, really, you're not"

All weird horsey fetish references aside, the very idea of having something the size of an actual horse cock ANYWHERE near my vagina is terrifying.

CaliGirl9 said...

I'm not a fan of the word cunt unless you are describing a female who is a bitch times 1 million.
Cum isn't a turn-on, nor is jugs or pussy. Unless you are talking about a very cute kitten ...

I'm getting mean in my old age—I swear I'd like to pour some nice hot wax all over this guy and then allow it to cool. Oh and forget to place the linen strips to facilitate removal of said wax ...

Well hung is what you do with a work of art—you find a nice location in your home or apartment and then put a nail in the wall and hang it up level and in good lighting. A penis, despite many males' beliefs, is NOT a work of art.

"Nail" in a sexual content is another term I'm not crazy about.

CutNJump said...

There are several that do me in. Sometimes the setting and context of how a word is used, negates the deal too.


And that guys back? He can damn well shave it himself. Get a package of disposable razors, tape them together - or on the wall- and have a go at it. Those cuts will remind him how delicate our own parts are and WHY he's not getting near it! I would just like to be there to pour alcohol on his back when he's done...


And everyones comments are cracking me up!

CutNJump said...

Well hung- usually means the opposite.

I have found- the more they brag about the size, the less size there is worth bragging over.

Same goes for how well they use it.

And I just laugh/hork at the mention of "Hung like a ________." Bear, horse, whatever... No you aren't, and what makes any guy think, comparing it to an animals size gives us these uncontrollable urges to jump Your bones? If we wanted anything the size of an animals, or with an animal attatched- we would be into beastiality. 'nuff said.

water_bearer said...

I'm with you on that one CNJ. It depends on context.
I can't recall asking any of my girlfriends, “Was he well-hung?” but I can remember on more than one occasion saying about an otherwise unattractive man who seems to have women flocking to him that he must be “hung like a circus animal.”
Or “government mule” for you Fugly readers.
As for “snatch” or “‘cunt”, they're both just a turn-off. And "cunt" used as a description for a bitch is only used in the most heinous examples. Few women are actually that bad to deserve that moniker. More men are in fact. And it’s funnier when said about them.
God, I miss Deadwood.

klgalland said...

Pussy! The way guys say it creeps me out. They talk about it, but obviously have no idea what they are talking about!

ChestnutJumper784 said...

There really is nothing like a permenant sweater of hair on a man to get me going.

Good call, horsegal! Sometimes it's dicey enough letting men go down armed only with their tongue, muchless a razor.

"Pound/ram/hammer your pussy" or "rail" as well as the phrase "_________ like the dirty whore you are" all huge red flags in my rulebook.

Anonymous said...

Pretty much anything a guy says that makes me feel like a blow-up doll instead of a person is a total turn-off. I don't like feeling that he's just looking for a warm, wet place for his penis and I happen to be available. All of these words make me feel like an object, not a person. Total turn off.

Rhyadawn said...

I dated a guy once who refered to himself as "hung like a horse" ... hamster was more like it.

As a woman who works with horses on a regular basis (daily) its hard to take men seriously when I hear this. It pretty much automatically gets them to the curb!

Cunt, pussy, nail, rail, ram, jugs, milkbags, little furries (don't ask), delicate flower, and any and all such "endearments" should be taken out and shot with the men that created them

Rhyadawn said...

Forgot to add...

I love to wax. There is something about the application of hot wax, the adding of the strip, and the causing of white light blinding pain that appeals to me..... (perhaps more so when I'm pms'ing)

I still wouldn't want to get anywhere near that permanent sweater... ick!!!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Any reference between felines and female anatomy just kills it for me. It's not a kitty. It doesn't meow, trust me. I have four kitties and I know the difference - if you don't, I'm a little concerned.

I am squicked out more by mush than by crudeness, however. The whole term "make love" gives me the giggles. We all know that, frequently, love has nothing to do with it! I also hate anything that sounds worshipful, as if some part of the female anatomy was sacred to them. Come on...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

And "snatch" makes me think of something that might bite. I don't even get where that came from!

You know, the other issue here is, it's different when you KNOW someone. When you're in a relationship with someone, they can say things to you that would be ALL WRONG to say to women you don't know in a personal ad on paper.

Jailbird said...

I hate, hate, hatehatehate the word "pussy." I just don't like the way it sounds. I hate it when referring to a cowardly person and I hate it more when referring to a vagina.

I'm also not fond of the word "snatch," but it beats the other one.

"Cunt" is a word I love. A lot of my frustrated swears involve a compound word involving 'cunt' in some way, usually very disgusting and gag-worthy when taken literally.

There are a few other words that make me cringe when I hear them but I'm too lazy to think of them right now.

Maque said...

Yeah. Snatch, cunt, pussy...I don't like any of those, or their derivatives. Like fugly, I also go into giggles at "make love."

I also hate it if someone starts talking dirty...like they're in a romance novel. My boyfriend knows this, so he likes to talk like that just to make me laugh my ass off: "Oh, allow my purple-headed warrior to descend between the petals of your elegant chariot."

If anyone said something like that to me and meant it, they'd get a prompt knee to the groin.

nip/tuck said...

I think you guys covered all the things that piss me off! Nice work!

Loved this...

Maque said...
"Oh, allow my purple-headed warrior to descend between the petals of your elegant chariot."

CutNJump said...

For those who snicker at the phrase 'making love', (and I can add my own Johnie Rotten to that- he can't stand it!!!) When you experience it, even just once, you no longer snicker and you gain a deeper, different understanding of the phrase.

Fugs- I'm talking about the limo guy here. *wink*

It is waaaaaaay different than just ramming, nailing, banging, pounding or doing someone.

Yeah. It's THAT good! Like a constant orgasm from start to finish. And then some...

CutNJump said...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...
And "snatch" makes me think of something that might bite. I don't even get where that came from!


ROFL!

CutNJump said...

And did anyone else notice- this guy is standing naked in the kitchen.

Isn't there a health code violation of some sort for no hair net around food???

Looks like someone standing off to the right in front of him too, besides the poor fucker taking the picture.

ChestnutJumper784 said...

ACK! He IS in the kitchen...and WTF is with the "thumbs up?" Foreal deal...what a train wreck!

nip/tuck said...

CnJ - Do they make back nets?

I think I might hork up my spaghetti...

CutNJump said...

Spaghetti through the nose is a bad, bad thing...

Biskuits said...

Haha, I might just have a juvenille sense of humor, but when referring to sex, I think "Let's do it!" about sums up the extent of me talking about it. "Fuck" is too crude, "rail," and similar words are too violent, and "make love" is too silly. Slang terms for vaginas usually just make me angry--"cunt" being the absolutely most disgusting and "pussy" just being annoying and a little awful to hear. "Cooch" also just grosses me out when used in reference to my business. "Flower" makes me laugh--in derision.

Equating male anatomy with any kind of food--sausage, foot-long (*snort*), weiner (tee hee), meat, etc.--is right out. "Cock" sounds rude, and I only use dick as an insult.

After all that, I think a better list would be terms I find acceptable... and I can't think of any at the moment XD Oh dear...

OH! And "naughty bits," for any genitalia, in my opinion, sends the wrong message about such magical pieces of anatomy >;}

Weasel said...

UPDATE:

A friend emailed me to remind me that the word I used was "hump", not "snatch."!

That's right, I asked a girl if she wanted to "hump."

I thought I felt better about that, but now that I thnk about it, it's just as bad.

Hey, I was 16! Cut a kid some slack! She sure didn't.

But at least I didn't ask her to "hump her snatch."

Weasel said...

Another thought-

I noticed a lot of you guys don't like the word "pussy", which is my default term on WWHM , and in life. I didn't know women didn't like that. In fact, I thought they liked it better than "vagina", which is one I personally can't stand.

I know "cunt" doesn't go over anywhere. But I will admit if , as one poster earlier put it, if you're a bitch x 1000, you're going to get it. But you REALLY have to push me for a long time before I throw that one out.

Hjorrdis said...

I really hate the word "twat" too. Oh, and I hate when a guy calls me "baby" or "chick." Do I look like a baby or a baby chicken? Give a woman a little respect please.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

pussy doesn't really bother me. Vagina sounds so clinical (and I'm a scientist.. go figure..)! I guess we're just impossible to please :D

Anonymous said...

Weasel, it all depends on the context. If something intelligent and sophisticated appeared on this blog, we'd die of whiplash. Plus, we're never sure if you're speaking as you or mocking the writing of the hapless prick in the ad - free pass for all insulting phrases!

If you're trying to make me favorably sexually inclined towards you... Don't say anything a seventh grader would say. Which largely means don't say anything at all, at least not about genitals. You should be performing sex acts, not discussing them.

Anonymous said...

I hate the terms hooters and knockers. They're old-school, but you still hear them from guys trying to be creative.

I also hate the phrase "taking a leak", which is not so much sexual, but any date who uses that phrase on his way to the restroom may as well forget it.

I really can't believe someone thought his hairy back should be the highlight of a date. He can pay to get it waxed. Back stubble is not sexy. If I accidentally grabbed onto that, I'd let go again in a hurry.

Ashers said...

I hate c*nt. See, I can't even bring myself to type it !!

It's just so demeaning and derogative. Makes the person saying it sound as rough as sandpaper.

HATE IT !!!

nosey said...

I think alot of women don't like the word pussy. I equal that to something a hooker has. Geez, now I feel like I'm insulting prostitutes. Yeah, it's that bad.

One of my favorite words is cooter. To me it sounds a little silly. Fun rather than sloppy or too serious.

Talking about male parts, when my son was very young, maybe 2 1/2, I asked him what his balls were. He looked down at them and told me they were his wobblers. How fucking perfect is that?

ChevyGirl said...

ok I have a question. Why were the following words invented, and who invented them?


cunt, whore, pussy, beaver [not the animal either!], funbags, snatch and cum are the only ones I can think of right now, give me a moment!


but who invented them and why? I know where dick orignially came from, most guys named richard are nicknamed dick. why? hell I dont know that one!

Havocec said...

chevygirl

cunt is from the dutch word kunte.


FYI everyone: vagina isn't the correct term for external female gentitalia. The correct term is vulva. And is also the reason I won't ever drive a volvo.

Just had to get that off my chest, but we talked about chests in another post.

CutNJump said...

Anonymous said...

I really can't believe someone thought his hairy back should be the highlight of a date. He can pay to get it waxed. Back stubble is not sexy. If I accidentally grabbed onto that, I'd let go again in a hurry.



Oh and please add 'jugs' to your list...

Back stubble- F'ing gross! That would be like getting it on with a cactus! No thanks!

Likewise- hair transplants. Can we say similar to Doll Hair? Again- F'ing Gross!


Chevygirl- it is my understanding cunt came from the word 'cunting' which meant a cow was having difficulty while calving.

I could be wrong. Hell it's happened before...

CutNJump said...

On the topic of Dick being a nickname- a manager where I once worked was a real asshole beyond measure.

We were all sitting around on break one day, talking about names. One of the guys said he is the third and his son is the same name- the fourth. I jokingly said, "Why? Couldn't you come up with any better names?"

Everyone cracks up as Mr. Asshole walks by. He thinks we are laughing at him until one of the guys explains it all to him.

He turns to me and says "Our family tree is full of Richards, on both sides- mine and my wife's. (Sweetest woman ever too, BTW) What do you have to say about that?"

"Um, Nothing..." (I was about to go on vacation- I didn't want it to be a permanent one.)


He walks away, I look at everyone sitting there and blurt out, "Isn't 'DICK' a common nickname for Richard? So you are saying you have a lot of Dick's in your family?"

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I don't mind pussy, I use it myself but it's usually in the context of "what a pussy!" i.e. what a wimp.

Honestly, I don't think you CAN win with terms for the female genitalia. Whatever you say, somebody's gonna hate it. Like I said, mush annoys me far more than crudeness, but plenty of women are the opposite of that.

VAhorsegal said...

Ugh...."Split tail" generally used in a derogatory manner anyway

kel said...

The word cunt....

I have a friend from Spain. She caught her husband screwing his female business partner on the neighbors couch - while they were supposed to be working there. She was calling the woman a bitch, I asked her what the "bad" words in spanish were and she said that their was nothing worse than bitch. Of course I had to introduce her to the word cunt - in a resturant after too many margaritas. She thinks about it for awhile and then blurts out in her heavy speanish accent that this woman was a "big dirty cunt" really loud. And kept saying it over and over. Of course we were all laughing so hard that we couldn't stop her. So the woman has earned the nickname.... The BDC. :)

kel said...

OOPs... hit publish not edit. damn.
Spanish.... not Speanish..

water_bearer said...

Weasel, regarding the use of the word "pussy" -
Again, I have to go back to context. For me. There are times when certain words are acceptable, and times when they're not. If you are being a total wuss, "pussy" is appropriate. Trying to get into my pants? Don't tell me what you'd like to do to my pussy. That's the quickest way to NEVER get to meet it. Already a lover with whom I have a long history and we're in the middle of sex? Go ahead and tell me how good my pussy feels, or what you want to do to it next, and it's sexy. But even if you are my boyfriend, if it's the morning after and we're having coffee, you can't say for example, "Things got a bit rough last night... is your pussy okay?" No. Find another situation appropriate word, because even though it’s only a couple hours later, it’s different.
And so on. Same thing with "cunt." Like I said before - it's only in the absolute most horrific examples of a human being that I will use that word.
"Cocksucker" on the other hand is my go-to word for rush hour traffic idiots. Neither do I dislike or feel dirty about that particular action, or that most unique part of my anatomy, but both cunt and cocksucker are some of the best swear words. But if say I’m talking to a girlfriend of mine about some guy she is seeing and I want to know if she’s trying to tell me that they had oral sex, I probably wouldn’t phrase my question like, “So did you suck his cock?”
Ever hear George Carlin talk about the most versatile word in the English language - "shit"? It's kinda like that. I feel the same about "fuck" as I do "pussy". As derogatory slang for idiots, as go-to words for bad drivers... fine. In the throes of passion and whispered into the ear of a lover? Also fine. Don't have that kind of relationship yet and those are the words you choose to use to tell me what you'd like to do to me, then you lose. Use those terms to refer to the literal act or part of anatomy even with someone I have no problem talking to about anything? Nah. Little icky.
So there ya go. What’s dirty one minute, can the next be childish, squicky, slutty, sexy, hurtful, funny, etc. It all depends on context. In my opinion.

rocksabitchuhhuhuhhuh said...

I don't mind pussy in the least bit. Better not udder the word cunt to me unless I or whomever you are referring to hands down, without a doubt, deserves it. Please don't call it a vagina, or even better yet- a giner. Yes GINER. I actually had someone say that once. WTF?

My breasts are just that, breasts. I find tits to be acceptable when I'm drinking:) Anything else is a huge turn off. They are not fruit for the record.

I like to fuck BTW. Make love? I'm laughing in your face because I don't love you! PALEASE!!

Hung like a horse? Talk to my herd brother cuz they'll prove you wrong EVERY time.

Whiskey Me Away said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Whiskey Me Away said...

Pussy in the right context isn't bad. I like the word pussy, and I agree, I liked to be fucked (though at the right moments, we can make love).

I don't mind when my boyfriend calls me a bitch or a whore behind closed doors.... because that is where I am a whore, and you better believe I'm being a bitch when I try to drive him crazy. But to everyone elses knowledge, I am a polite, sweet girl, and so we leave those words there.

The word cunt doesn't offend me though, and I have been known to call women cunts, ie, like the spanish girl, the woman who my ex cheated with (who proclaimed to be my friend). Now that bitch was a fucking cunt!

selene said...

snatch, cunt, twat, box, and cooze slams the portal shut.

fuck i like. making love sounds like some dumbass's idea of what women want to hear when in his mind he just wants to fuck. me too.

pussy sounds like something wet and squishy which, hopefully, if you've brought it into conversation, means that it is in the aforementioned state and we are ready to fuck.

however, it's one of those words that has a shelf life, used sparingly--2-3x-- during foreplay and sex. it is not permission to tourette "pussy" at every thrust.

word to the wise--don't use the phrase "drip w/cum", EVER. it instantly brings to mind a boil covered, septic dick and my pussy will dry up faster than the gobi desert.

CutNJump said...

You guys are all are cracking me up!

I agree it is all about the context in which a word is used. What's ok one minute is so far off the mark the next.

No wonder guys are ever so fucking confused, when it comes to what makes us purr with pleasure or want to jam our fingers into their eye sockets as a way to rip their ignorant, shit filled head off.

Calantha said...

Count me in as another who laughs at dirty talk most of the time - that only works in porn or in romance novels. And even then, it's still laugh-worthy. Flowery language just sounds weird and funny at the same time unless maybe you're reading the Kama Sutra.

"Make love" only works in a certain context. "Fuck" is pretty straightforward and accurate, really captures the frenzy of sex I think. Rail, ream, ram - way too violent sounding. "Nail" is good if used in context of a joke, I suppose, but I wouldn't use it if I was trying to turn someone on.

Hmmm, "cunt". It will always be a coarse word more suited to insults than the bedroom IMO. "Pussy" I don't mind. Terms like "coochie snorcher" make me crack up, but I don't really find them sexy. "Snatch" should not be used - EVER. Makes me think of am irate snapping turtle and who wants to get up close and personal with one of those?

AnnaB said...

If I EVER hear the word "muff", I'm punching him right in the eye.

nip/tuck said...

nosey said...
One of my favorite words is cooter. To me it sounds a little silly. Fun rather than sloppy or too serious.


I was reading over the comments again today and realized that no one brought up cooter! That is, until I got to your post. Cooter is defnitely a fun word, but not one that I want to hear in the bedroom.

The Farm said...

this blog makes me smile
*thanks*

Rhyadawn said...

If I heard the word "cooter" it would be over. Clothe thyself and be removed from my presense.

Dirty talk has its time and place, but seriously I don't want to be walking down the street and have someone say to me "I want to lick your pussy!" I am not handing over any part of my body to you, and I am most certainly not giving you my cat!

I can definitly see where its confusing for men. Sometimes the phrase works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it depends on the work day, the lunar cycles, the tides. Such is life

Quarter to Three Studios said...

someone on a message board i frequent came up with this. it's the world's most complete list of nicknames for the vagina.




vagina, pussy, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, cunt, trim, hair pie,
bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, twat,
lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, fuckhole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco,
cat, catcher's mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black
hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love
hole, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the
great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot,
quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, cock socket,
pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush,
cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the
boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge,
the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split
dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat,
grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace,
slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle's doodle goes, altar
of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove,
serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane,
stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar,
breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, fuck pocket, hump hole, pink
circle,
silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia,
juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies,
sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw,
Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss
Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva,
Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts,
Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe,
Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge,
Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll,
Bologna
Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China), Bearded Taco, Calamari
Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket
Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken's tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven,
Dog's
mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny
tuft, KNISH, her asshole neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens
weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, JIZZ RECEPTICLE, The Helmut
Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish
canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich,
Camarillo
brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound
of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal, poontang pie,
wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love,
slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth
canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail,
bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle,
bitter
& twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon,
big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor
barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of pl enty,
the
indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with
the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the
one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings,
field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil's hole, lucy, pish
buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south
mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher,
Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater,
meat curtains, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, scunt, pee jaws, mingus,
The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, cock pocket, cha cha, the shrine,
bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, ever-lasting cum stopper, the toothless blow job, happy flappy, wilt chamberlian's daily glove, the code defierthe
salt water taffy factory, mommy's pie, the easy bake oven, the deflower patch,
the virginator, the schlong sucker, the dea bone patch, the vegitarian's temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole, the pump protector, bag pipe, Spitball Bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel's smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box, yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop Box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, cock curator,
b.o.b.'s bungalow, mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, cock sock,
rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box, tuna spread, pink portal, count fapula, red river gorge, happy valley,
revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house, stop-n-pop, bone polisher,
packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit, wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound,lick n' stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko, cuntry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cock cave, fuck donut, coochie pop, babby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, hairy potter, courtney cocksleve, panty hamster,deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, cock magnet, slippery slide, Meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, quim, honey pot, the bone collector, goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck,
bread-box, little debbie, pole hole, pandora's box,snail tracker, cuntzilla, homebase, pud pocket, bear trap, indian bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold.

RebelJubilee said...

Holy Shit! That is the worlds longest list of euphemisms. How in the hell did someone sit down and come up with all of that?

Rhyadawn said...

That list is just disturbing...

nosey said...

Yes, cooter is not a word for the bedroom...just an everyday term. Cooch is similar.

Speaking to my husband last night , he asked me what should he call it, in the bedroom. I thought about it and said "I don't know". He suggested LADY PARTS. mmmmm....NO! (He was joking)

So what about it? After reading that hilarious list I still have no clue. Sausage wallet did make me laugh. I have got to go over that list again.

camera shy said...

I got thinking about "it depends on the context".

If Mr. Shy and I are doing something where he's calling "that which shall remain nameless" ANYTHING at all... well, if we're doing it correctly, I probably didn't hear what he said anyway. He could be speaking portuguese, and I'd never know it.

Maybe that's the key, here.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, behind closed doors I have no problem with being called a slut--I like that sort of thing, actually, because it does seem a difference from the apparent aura of utter innocence everyone seems to think I have -not- behind closed doors.

Andre Breton wrote a poem called Free Union that I really love where he's talking to his wife. Translated, some of the lines start with something along the lines of "Your sex..." It's not very original, but if someone wants to talk about my genitalia, they need to use the word 'sex'--it makes me think of the poem and brings up pleasant memories. But, of course, that's just me personally and not anyone else.

Oh, but I also hate "baby" and "babe." I just don't know how you can say that to someone seriously.

cometogether71 said...

Weasel I just found this blog and may I say this is one of the most inventive ways to get a lot women to talk to you about their sex life.lol

cometogether71 said...

Weasel I just found this blog and may I say this is one of the most inventive ways to get a lot women to talk to you about their sex life.lol

cometogether71 said...

Weasel have you ever read Maddox on The Best Page In The Universe? You are his peer in razor sharp wit. Keep up the good work.
Damn I was going to add gash until the biggest list of nicknames for vaginas in the universe showed up. Oh well.

cometogether71 said...

Cool double post. Yes I am a dork.

CutNJump said...

cometogether71- For Weasel and any of the male readers out there, just sit back and take notes.

Hell we will all tell you exactly What we like- or don't. What to do- or not. How to do something- or not. As well as the warning signs of- When to back the fuck off, shut the hell up and leave us alone damn it!

Even then, as some of the posts here prove- it can still be iffy and tricky. What works on one, you had better not try on another one without asking first. Even still, some may consider 'asking' to be cute, polite or mannerly, while others will call you a weak willed, ignorant pussy for asking instead of just going for it.

Confusing? You bet! It's amazing any of us get laid at all...

Brandy said...

Hung like a WHALE! Really? You know, comparatively, a cat's wee wee is larger than a whale's... and rather more exciting, with the barbs...

Although the song on reallygood.com cracks me up, the term "gash" is rather rough.

Gazongas, bazongas, bazooms. Anything that makes my twins sound like exotic musical instruments!

"Tap that ass" - what am I, full of maple sap?

"Purple helmeted warrior of passion". OK, just LOL, alright?

Brandy said...

Oh, GAWD - "cooze". Rhymes with ooze. That's sooo sexy!

And as a female veteran, I can tell you that I ABHOR "split tail" more than almost anything on the planet! Probably because of the derogatory sexism that went along with the name calling. Poor insecure soldiers...

Best bet for guys, when your woman is into the sex enough to talk dirty, you can learn what words she thinks are sexy.

Cunt is mostly a bad name to call someone, but my warm, hairy, friendly pussy likes to be stroked! LOL!

I may be a broad gal, but I sure am not a chick anymore! Well, I will accept "rock chick" or "biker chick", that's kinda sassy. I'm sooo not a girl. I'm a woman. Old and crotchety. But don't call "it" a crotch unless you're talking about the fit of my jeans!

RebelJubilee said...

Cometogether71, women are more willing to talk about sex than most men realize (understand that I don't know if you're male of female so I'm taking the politically incorrect stance of assuming male). We like it just as much as men and, occasionally I think, more so. Besides, we talk about everything else under the sun, why not sex?

Nosnikta said...

"the frumious bander SNATCH... the frumious bander SNATCH..." (la la la) name that song.

I had a friend once tell me she was in the ladies' locker room once and a woman bent over right in front of her.... she then knew the meaning of "gash".

In any case. I refer to my goodies as "pooter" (snort)and good ole JB thinks that sounds more like a fluffy fart than his idea of a fun place.

When I look at this dude's back I smile with my evil grin and think "Ah yes... Duct Tape".

Amy.mangos said...

ohhhh I adore the duct tape idea!

I hated the word cunt until I spent two years in a poetry program with a handful of lesbians who used it constantly. Now I'm pretty much desensitized. I'm still not a fan of pussy, and snatch or cooter will snap my thighs together!

Also love "hung like a horse." Cleaning a sheath is more horse-sized action than I want; picturing something that massive (and crusty, if we're taking this as full-on literally as possible) anywhere near my vagina makes me cringe, hurl, and hide! Or something.

Weasel- LOVE the blog! I spent way too much of my day reading older entries. It was wonder.

Anonymous said...

I hate just about all of them... Actually, I do remember, my ex used to call me "Love" and I adored it.

I'd get home from work and he'd take me in his arms and say something like "Hey love, I missed you." or "I made dinner tonight Love." or something along those lines.

We never actually used 'words' for things... I mean, if he was in the mood, he'd walk up, take me in his arms adn kiss me softly and and ask "wanna go in the other room?" and we just knew from the others voice what they were talking about. Thats all it needed.

cattypex said...

OOoooooK I am way late here but

:FYI everyone: vagina isn't the correct term for external female gentitalia. The correct term is vulva. And is also the reason I won't ever drive a volvo."

I drive a Volvo, and we jokingly refer to it as the Vulva. I want to modify the badge on it to be a FEMALE symbol.

There's some English/Swedish disconnect, I'm sure....

Anonymous said...

This thread is so interesting! Even though I'm WAY late, I can't resist responding!

I would say that the main thing that I am hearing here, and the main thing I would say is this: if you are looking for a hole to put your dick in, most women will be turned off. If there is a relationship/chemistry/love, women will want you to have sex with them, too. At which point, you don't have to really give it a name. Sex will happen. Hopefully, you don't need to call it to find it. And then, maybe, a couple can start talking about what names they want their body parts to be called. Or, better, yet, that will happen organically, too.

My personal favorite term, for both the male and female organs, is "friend". It lends itself to all kinds of nice innuendo "my friend likes you", "I want my friend to meet your friend" and so on. It's also gender-neutral, which to me is a big plus.

Not having grown up in the US, I was appalled to hear the term "va-jay-jay". That must be my biggest turn-off. It just sounds childishly pedantic, and, just, yuck.

I am totally fine with "cunt" and "pussy", but, again, with the afore-mentioned caveats. If you say those words before you see or touch it, I'm probably gonna run away screaming. When going for dirty talk, though, these are definitely the kind of things I love to hear. Same goes for "cock". I would never call it that unless I already have had it in my hands. But when talking dirty, I love the sound of it, how it kinda sticks in the back of your throat.

As for breasts... "Breast" and "tits" are fine. Everything else, including "titties" makes a man look like a middle-schooler in my eyes. I use "boobs" sometimes when referring to my own, but I don't think I would like someone else doing that. It's one of those "I can make fun of myself, but you can't" kinda things.

Anonymous said...

"...a proud people who once traded away a piece of land the size of Connecticut for a jug of moonshine and a pair of pointy English lounge shoes."

I do hope this was meant as a joke. Most "trading" actually involved tricking Natives who could barely speak English into giving their land away, or simple forcing them onto reservations that were on land that wasn't good for much. Oh, and of course, giving them blankets infected with smallpox to simply kill them off so that no treaties would be necessary.

Reisa Stone said...

I once dated a guy who took off his shirt and asked me to lance a huge boil on his back.

I was so taken aback, I blurted out a story about lancing an abscess on a horse and watching pus shoot across the stall. Which was my awkward horsewoman way of saying, "No fucking way!"

This turned him on, and he started begging me to lance the boil.

Somehow I convinced him to put the shirt back on and get the hell out of my sight.

Bekka said...

I hate pussy, c*nt, and tits (all feel degrading). Use vagina (that *is* what it is). Hoo-hoo is funny.

Mostly I just think vaginas are gross but that is the least gross/insulting name for it.

Canaduck said...

I know it's been six months, but count me in as a woman who is fine with "pussy" or "cock" (or "dick") but dislikes almost everything else. Though I'd actually rather hear "snatch" or "cooter" than "delicate flower", either one will pretty much make me dry up for the night.

"Tits" is fine, as is "boobs" in a TOTALLY non-sexual context. Anything else makes me feel like I'm hanging out with a 7th-grade boy who doesn't deserve to touch 'em.

Anonymous said...

I'm one of those (rare?) women who haaaateeee the word 'pussy' - believe it or not, to me it sounds prudish! - but are OK with 'cunt'. British influence maybe? 'Vagina' and 'vulva' would sound very odd in most contexts.

As for words for breasts, I don't mind 'tits' - in fact I may use that word myself, even 'titties' if I want to sound silly! :P - but I loath 'boobs'! In bed, however, 'breasts' is the only word that doesn't sound...off.

Oh, and I prefer "well endowed" to "well hung." It sounds humorous, without the mental images of hung meat.

Sweet Teddy Berrigan said...

To all the girls who hate the words cunt or pussy...what do you call it?

My boyfriend and I both use the words cunt and pussy and it's completely cool. Perhaps because English isn't his 1st language, there isn't any sort of inflection when he says them. I think it's more the tone that makes something derogatory than the word itself.

El-Mango said...

My "snatch" just killed herself she was so insulted...

"well-endowed" always weirds me out. It litterally means that they are well equipped. 99% of the time, size or not, they can't use their equipment.

Anonymous said...

My ex used to call it "fancy" as in tickle my...I don't get offended by pussy or cock. Like it was said earlier, depends on the context and how well you know the guy. My fiance can walk up behind me and whisper in my ear "I wanna fuck/eat your pussy" and I'm racing him to the bedroom. But we're just very open and crude that way I guess!

Mocha said...

usually dudes mess up with me when they call my breasts anything other than boobs or breasts. Fun bags, teets, tits, tetas, udders, ... none of that will get a man or any other part of him that wants to touch me closer than legally mandated in a restraining order.

Jessica said...

"Pussy" is an awesome word and I have no problem with it ever.


:D

Anonymous said...

Someone said "kunte" comes from Dutch. Chaucer mentions 'cunte' in the Wife of Bath. Although I agree that it's usually used in a derisive, abusive context.
I can't stand "tits" or especially "titties".
I actually use "pussy" a lot, mainly because I like word play. I have 3 cats, so things like, "Would you like to play with my pussy?" (great! here's a cat toy), "Want to feed my pussy?" (here's some cat food), "No, I've got to go home and play with my pussy," or even "My dog likes to lick my pussy."
I also have 2 black male Great Danes, and one of the cats is a black male. (I'm an Anglo female, FWIW.) So sometimes I talk about sleeping with my two "big black boyfriends" or I talk about my 2 big black boyfriends and my one little black boyfriend.

Someone mentioned context. Right on---what's sexy in the heat of the moment is gross at other times. What's okay said by a lover is gross when said by a stranger.

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