Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Hoser

Cum in Buckets - 37M

Hi ladies! I am Steve a single man for long time who has not had sex in a long time, but I have a lot to ofer! I am 5 foot 7 about 255 lbs (not fat) and best of all I can offer you tons of cum. You won't beleive how much cum squirts out of my 5" (kinda small)dick, it will cover your face, breasts, hair and stomack, women absolutely love it! I have measured it, it can fill the bottom of a large coffee mug. I've been storing up for days and am ready to blast you the first woman that responds. You must pick me up and host at your house, call Steve at XXX-XXX-XXXX, valley area or north only first come first serve

There is a certain segment of society fascinated with the amount of ejaculate one experiences during orgasm. This segment is called "the men that are ejaculating." A powerful, voluminous ejaculation can produce an immensely powerful psychological high for males, who feel the quantity of ejaculate symbolizes their virility. It can produce an equal and opposite low for Steve's coffee mug, which now hopes to reincarnate as a festering testicular cancer cell in Steve's nuts.

Organon Pharma recently performed a study and determined that the average male ejaculation contains approximately one teaspoon of fluid, a teaspoon that likely can now sympathize with a certain coffee mug. But researchers have noted that some men, on occasion, can ejaculate up to 6 teaspoons in a single orgasm, a quantity capable of nearly filling an entire bowl. Hey Organon Pharma, where do you keep the Corn Flakes?

So now we meet Steve, a short, fat braggart without a car who fucks coffee mugs with a penis the size of a malnourished trout hatchling, and brags about how much you'll love him coating your face with his sperm. Believe me, his Sears catalog would thank you.

He also says he's single, and hasn't had sex in a long time. Thanks for the news flash, Steve. I'm not saying there's a correlation anywhere, but women just called Merriam-Webster and registered "Steve" as an antonym for "fantasy."

In reality, women won't care about how much you ejaculate Steve. Sperm could ooze out of your dick like cold sap from a dead tree stump, or shoot boxflies off the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with laser-like precision. Either way, the problem is the sperm comes out of you, a pencil-dicked social leper that makes women sick to their stomach.

Oh, sorry. I meant "stomack."

30 comments:

heelsdown said...

Dear Lord. Thats disgusting. Because EVERY woman wants to be face plastered with a 5'7" 255lb man with baby dick. I know thats MY fanasty. ugh. Im actually suprised he didn't throw the line "But its good for your complexion" in there. I almost have to give him kudos for that. Almost.

Ashers said...

Eh ??? "Not fat" ???

255lb is 18st 2oz or 115 kg ( according to a coverter website I've just found !!! )

He's 5ft 7" for Ffffffsss sake !!!

Anonymous said...

5'7, 255 and "not fat"? According to the body mass index, this guy is off the chart "obese," not "healthy" or even "overweight". Yuck.

Indra said...

oh god, that is disgusting, *shudders* people want a random fat guy to come all over their face about as much as eating a 3 week old ham sandwich they found under the couch.

heelsdown said...

indra said...
"people want a random fat guy to come all over their face about as much as eating a 3 week old ham sandwich they found under the couch."
I think thats another thing this guy in the ad wouldn't mind doing.

horsegal said...

*hysterical laughter*

This guy can't be serious!

*more hysterical laughter*

Gosh, I'm sure there is a long waiting line, girls.. better hurry to get a chance with this one!

water_bearer said...

Hahahahahahahaha! Oh man, Weaz, this is one of your funniest posts I think. And it couldn't have come at a better time for me. Sorry. I meant, "cum."
No, seriously, what IS IT with you men and the amount of trouser spackle you spew? Do any of you really think we women give a shit?

CaliGirl9 said...

What is nastiest of all is he's taken the time to "measure" his output. Just ick.

Nosnikta said...

puke

Quarter to Three Studios said...

"trouser spackle"?


*hysterical laughter*

Karmyn said...

Steve, hard as this may be to believe, porn has lied to you. Yes, it's true. Porn is not real. Women don't like being hosed down in sperm. They also aren't all insaitable sluts. Two or more women together without men will not suddenly engage in lesbian sex.
Sorry, porn lied. Get over it.

CutNJump said...

Short + fat + no dick + no hygiene + no car + no place of his own =

no job =

NO SEX!


Pretty simple math really.

CutNJump said...

Trouser spackle!

Hilarious!

Not only gross he took the time to measure his output, but also he was able to see his spout beneath the jelly roll and measure that too...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!

anniebanannie said...

CaliGirl9 said...

What is nastiest of all is he's taken the time to "measure" his output. Just ick.

Sure. Of course he has because he you can't measure semen if you've deposited into a female.

I'm sure that he's done it enough that he has the median, mean and standard deviation calculated and a confidence interval of 0.99

nip/tuck said...

anniebanannie said...

I'm sure that he's done it enough that he has the median, mean and standard deviation calculated and a confidence interval of 0.99

L - M - A - O

"If you'd like to direct your attention to the chart on my PowerPoint presentation, you will find that maximum value is 4 ounces. Yes, there is some data missing... my coffee mug cracked and I haven't been able to replace it yet."

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>There is a certain segment of society fascinated with the amount of ejaculate one experiences during orgasm. This segment is called "the men that are ejaculating."<<

God, that is so true. WOMEN are like, oh yay, you've had a vasectomy and now there's almost nothing there? AWESOME, less to swallow!

"Porn lied" - priceless!

Ella said...

Um. Yes. Because THAT is what we are attracted to. Really. What a sad, sad little man.

maryann said...

Not fat! LOL! Okay, I'll grant you, I'm female and it probably makes some difference. Just not *that* much.

I'm fat... and I'm taller than him, (not by a lot) and I weigh less than him (by a lot.)

That's just ridiculous. The only way that man isn't fat is if he's on steroids.

Which, I admit, would explain the atrophied genitalia.

Calvinsmom said...

Maybe he accidentally mesured in metric.

Calvinsmom said...

mesasured.....opps

Diedebel said...

http://wulffmorgenthaler.com/default.aspx?id=ba344baf-19c8-43b6-93db-06b93af02d71 - saw it originally in danish, then on the website. When they translated the strip, they forgot to convert the units (12 cm = 5 in or 12 in = 30 cm)

Oh, and for us horselovers: http://wulffmorgenthaler.com/default.aspx?id=41531ae2-3db3-422c-8382-5f027bd525f2

Mack Truck said...

Porn lied, yes indeedy it did! Thank you, Karmyn.

I'm not some lust crazed nympho who is dying for a man to shove it up my sphincter, or spooge all over me. WHY do men think this is something we want?

255 lbs. and 5'7"? He's right, he's not fat. He's freakin' MORBIDLY OBESE!!

I actually had a BF with a 5" penis, and that man could do AMAZING things with it. Of course, he could do amazing things with just about every part of his body, plus had a wonderfully uninhibited imagination.

However, not ONCE did he tell me, "Baby, you're gonna LOVE this!", and spooge all over my body. Because he knew his nut sack would have been stretched over his head if he had.

Sometimes I miss that man. Sigh....

Mack Truck said...

Oh, and another thought...

What is UP with the shoes in porno flicks?

The women always keep their shoes on, and all I can think is, "Man, she's gonna put somebody's EYE out with one of those!"

Seriously dudes, that is NOT a female fantasy. I love shoes as much as the next woman, but I really don't want to leave them on when we're doing the nasty.

Oh, and don't think you can sneak your dick into my butt, and I won't notice. I will. Every time. You moron.

Anonymous said...

Mack Truck "Oh, and don't think you can sneak your dick into my butt, and I won't notice. I will. Every time. You moron."

LOL! I laughed so hard I started crying and choking...LOL!

I totally know what you mean--even a man with a teeny peen is going to have trouble sneaking that one by!

Laura said...

I think the whole cum is hot thing comes from porn... so sad.

Anonymous said...

Weasel, 5'7 225? This isn't JT is it?

- jlane

AC said...

I would like to submit this particular strip from a webcomic into evidence:
http://www.menagea3.net/d/20081030.html

xenobiologista said...

Being a geek I had to check - 5'7" and 255 lbs is a body mass index of 39.9. Anything over 30 is "obese".

So I guess he's technically correct. He's not fat - he's GROSS.

Anonymous said...

is porn the only winner during credit crunch?


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kelly divine

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