Saturday, October 18, 2008

Welcome to WWHM!

Welcome to WWHM Headquarters, located in beautiful downtown Dubuque, Iowa, right next to Tom's Animal Rendering Plant-Wing C.

I'm The Weasel, your fearless male leader into a tragic world of dangling penises, mattress fuckers, and poorly packaged genitals that emit the same tangy, gamy odors you might find emanating from the bloated carcass of a beached whale smothered with a gelatinous mix of AstroGlide and expired beet paste.

Where do we find these horrors? We find them in personal ads posted on public internet bulletin boards of course, constructed by clueless men who wouldn't know a vagina if it sat next to them on the bus and started playing the pan flute.

See, unfortunately ladies, the photo accompanying today's "Welcome" post belies a tragic truth about men on the internet. They claim to be Exhibit A, but ultimately you'll be sharing a Moons Over MiHammy at Denny's with Exhibit B and splitting the tab. He won't tip, he'll tell you he's a "bad boy", and you'll have to jumpstart his 1986 Honda Accord before you manage to peel out of the parking lot.

Our personal ads can range from bizarre to disgusting, from clueless to insecure, and they're pretty much all idiotic in one way or another.

Please note that WWHM is vile, immature, nauseating, and definitely NSFW. I, nor my thousands of daily readers, would have it any other way. This blog is read by about 80% women, and their commentary would cause even the most hardened Bering Sea crabber to blush, cross his legs, and protect his genitals with a halibut.

Who am I to judge? I am no one. I am a small, weak man with a penis more aptly suited for a cold and frightened seahorse. I cower at rustling leaves and frequently urinate in my cheap Chinese briefs at the sound of a distant thunderclap. Bunnies frighten me, and in my spare time I hide in my closet and nibble on Saltines hamster-style.

But I write the jokes, so I'm here to stay.

So for you new readers, I update 2-3 times per week. And for you old readers, I fucking love you guys! And I'd like to thank whomever nominated WWHM over on Blogger's Choice, which I've never heard of before, but is currently sending me a lot of traffic. You can apparently vote for me here. So do it! Please everyone take one minute and vote. Let's make WWHM huge!

We'll see you next week!

55 comments:

kiwiness said...

I voted for you. I keep telling my friends to have a look but they all know I'm a bit of a sick bitch and when I SAY IT'S GROSS THEY don't WANNA know. I'll get someone converted yet. I think we all love you too Weasel, you brighten up our day and make us snort liquid and food from our nasal cavities on a regular basis.:)

Enjay said...

But but but what happened to the daisy duke guy? I just wrote a manuscript for a new fad diet based on keeping a copy of that picture in the fridge, and now it's gone. :(

Weasel said...

He's there Enjay.

Scroll down.

I wouldn't deny my new readers such a fabulous pair of mothballs.

Weasel said...

Thanks Kiwi!

Lynda said...

Hey I was the first one who voted!

Love you Weasel!

Indra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Indra said...

I'm also voting for you, as soon as it lets me sign in.

Don't worry weasel, we fucking love you back.

But the love may die and turn to rabid hatred if you don't keep posting! We're all addicts, and we need our fix. ;)

sophomoric1 said...

I've been lurking for a while, I started reading a few months ago, when the updates weren't as regular, and penis's weren't shown, let me just say, reading this blog not only makes me laugh so hard I often end up with stomach cramps and wondering were all my soda went...Currently on the wall, my shirt and any other surface near by. Thanks for the laughs, and keep it up.

nip/tuck said...

I cower at rustling leaves and frequently urinate in my cheap Chinese briefs at the sound of a distant thunderclap.

AND WE STILL LOVE YOU! Ask me who I'm voting for on Blogger's Choice, and I'll answer right away. Ask me who I'm voting for in the presidential election, and it might take a bit longer...

water_bearer said...

Ah, thanks for putting up the Bering Sea Crabbers comment again. CNJ should be pleased. :)
We love you too, Weasel. If it wasn't for this blog or Fugly Horse of the Day, I might not have smiled at all this week. So... thanks!

Liz S said...

Hey dont forget you can also vote for WWHM as best humor blog http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/59813 and of course best blog of all time http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/59812

:)

Havoc said...

I voted...then spend the better part of an hour on cake wrecks...

Weasel said...

Yes, Cake Wrecks is quite popular- a lot of my readers read it.

I have to hand it to her- she put together a great idea and ran with it. Plus, she's a great writer and funny too.

When I was in LAX, I picked up Details magazine- a men's fashion and general interest magazine- and there inside was a blurb about Cake Wrecks. Wow, I thought, she's getting big.

Kudos to her- she's done a fantastic job with a great idea and it's going to take her places.

Lynda said...

Im am totally scarred for life by that 'dangling penis' post.. I can never look at an elderly (older) guy again with out thinking about this....

Good thing I dont work in a nursing home anymore.... I'd lose my mind!

SpotMeSomeColor said...

I nominated you! I registered to vote for the Cake Wrecks blog and realized this blog was NOT THERE! I was horrified. I'm glad you're getting traffic because of it; that's awesome!

Weasel said...

Spotmesomecolor I love you!

Weasel said...

Spotsmecolor, you win a date with Exhibit "A" in today's welcome post.

All the rest of us have to go on a cruise with Exhibit "B" where there is no escape, and listen to him talk about his trip to Omaha to see his brother in a tractor pull. For 7 hours.

Liz S said...

I voted for you, can I get out of the cruise?

Karmyn said...

Exhibit B looks disturbing like one of my teachers from high school. Nice guy, intelligent and funny, but hard on the eyes. Not as hard on the eyes as my economics teacher. She was rumored to be an alcoholic, addicted to tylenol, and it came out a few years later that her husband was gay. Poor woman had problems.

Lynda said...

Yeah I was the first vote for you... my other handle is nhgypsy.... can I get out of that cruise too? I get a feeling I may end like they did with Gilligan.. went on a 3 hour tour and then got lost and became ship wrecked for ever with that thing.... Please can I just stay home??

nip/tuck said...

Weasel said...
Wow, I thought, she's getting big.


Weasel, you should know better than to say that about a woman!

Rozie said...

I just voted for you in all three categories, Weez, ...I had nothing better to do and Iam easily amused.LOL.

RebelJubilee said...

More votes for Weasel here. Ok, just one, but if I can finagle any more can I go on the cruise too?

And I've got a few new posts on my blog about dating these weirdos (thankfully none as bad as you've got pictured)


Dating adventures from the Zoo

maryann said...

You just got my vote, Weasel.

You need to put a badge on your left-hand menu, though. This is the voting for '09 so there's a lot of time left. You must WIN!

You're in fourth place right now, though, and that ain't bad at all.

Weasel said...

Thank you guys for voting!

BUT YOU'RE ALL GOING ON THE CRUISE WITH ME AND THE FAT BALD GUY ANYWAY.

HAHHHAHAA!

No excuses.

RebelJubilee said...

Nooooooo! Can we please leave bald fat guy locked in the engine room?

Weasel said...

No rebel.

You will play checkers with him and share a milkshake.

He will have food in his moustache and a nose hair.

He will tell you in detail about how he fixed a can opener back in 1983.

And you will listen, and you MUST smile.

I love torturing my readers.

Indra said...

why oh why Weasel, must you torture us so! this is in humane!

Indra said...

Wait, after thought, how far away at the table do we have to sit from him? can it be one of those really long ones and he can have half to himself and we can have the other half? And as long as we don't have to make any physical contact, no hand shaking, pat on the back, other wise that would be true torture.

Lynda said...

Dont you get it!! Weasel is going to have the Skipper and Gilligan as the crew and we are going to end up being ship wrecked with that dude! Tortured for life!!!!!!!!!!!

Jim and Garret said...

The Blog Awards lead me to your awesome blog. We've spent about 5 hours catching up on the entire blog. Keep up the parade of losers.

-Garret

Nosnikta said...

YAY! protecting genitals with a halibut!!!!!!!

YAY!

ChestnutJumper784 said...

I'm not going to be able to make it, something tells me this is the 14 day Caribbean cruise with beaches and pools. The "leftovers" peeking out from Man B's sizes-too-small t-shirt was quite enough for me. I'd rather watch Erik nut off on his board (with industrial strength ear plugs so I can't hear a word he says). Pack plenty of brain bleach and your clam buckets, ladies. You're going to need it.

Lynda said...

A friend of mine once taught riding lessons at a private back yard barn. The owner of the barn was an older gentleman... ok and gentleman is a stretch... He would come out while she was teaching in these swim trunks that probably fit him when he was 16 and now he's 60... the beer gut hanging over and just really way too small and way too old and way too visual! He use to strut his stuff in them... oh and they were red too.. cause you know how sexy men are in red.... oh and no shirt either!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

C'mon, all we have to do is flash the fat bald guy once and he'll have a heart attack. When do you think was the last time he saw boobs IRL? Then we're just on a Caribbean cruise with Weasel...Yes, Weasel and all of his fans...

Weasel, how familiar with fans are you? I used to handle fan mail and stuff for a soap actor and I went to his conventions...holy shit, all I can say is, imagine a herd of rabid buffalo coming for you and trying to grab some portion of your hair or clothing.

I can only protect you so much. I'll be too busy shooting video of all of this to sell as a reality show.

*gleefully rubs hands together*

Lynda said...

IM willing to sell tickets... I'l give a third to weasel and pocket the rest... LOL and I'l post Youtube videos too!

Weasel said...

I am not a man whore- a piece of meat for you ladies to merely suckle on and dispose of like a juicy, tender chicken wing.

What about my feelings? What about my emotions? What about my.....oh wait a minute. I'm a guy. Nevermind.

Me and hundreds of hot chicks?

Game on.

Nosnikta said...

I'm your huckleberry.

Weasel said...

I noticed you disappeared for a while Nos- good to have you back.

RebelJubilee said...

Ok, I'm back on the cruise as long as the fat guy has a heart attack before the story about fixing a can opener.
Weasel, if you make me listen to that I will drag you along on my next date. I'll pick one of the creepy weird guys and then we'll see who suffers.

RebelJubilee said...

And I don't share milkshakes. I want no body fluids of anyone that gross touching me in any way, even if its indirectly and even if I got my own straw

Weasel said...

Women are so picky.

RebelJubilee said...

We are! and for good reason. Can you imagine what the human race would look like if we weren't?

Anonymous said...

Got a live one for ya:

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/cas/876586707.html

Run. Just... just run. Save yourselves. XD

Cheers!

heelsdown said...

I want to vote-but for some reason its not letting me log in at that page! Boo!!! You have my vote, its just that its not valid! ;)

4thehorses said...

Can I vote twice, I mean Fugs is really trying to make a difference in the world of too many horses being slaughtered, and that's a great thing, you on the other hand, are trying to make a difference by making us women want to chuckle every time we see a live penis. That too is a great thing, to release women from the spell that genitalia has over us. I will vote twice, damnit, once for each of you!

Ella said...

Wow i just read the post anon left the link to.. just. wow. Really. Animatronic dinosaurs. Didn't know Jurassic Park could inspire such.. activities.

CutNJump said...

We fucking love you too babe!

Like the orbit gum commercials- No Matter WHAT!

I vote both at work and home.

CutNJump said...

And yes, thank yo for the Bearing Sea fisherman reference.

I'll take one in Sig, one in a Johnathan, a helping of... *voice trailing off*

CutNJump said...

Hey Weasel, instead of calling us 'old readers' maybe 'regular readers' instead? Just my 2 cents...

BTW- I don't like to think of any of us here as 'old'. It is such a relative term.

4thehorses said...

Wow - Jurassic Park lady is OUT there, right? What happened to good ole fashioned boinking??? Why is everyone so fucking perverted these days? Is it too much power? Too much money? Too much porn, I mean really, dinosaurs? Whatever...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I suspect Jurassic Lady is just trying to make "Best of Craigslist."

lamexicanita86 said...

Oh Weas....It would be splendid if you could update more often. I only discovered WWHM two days ago, and I've already read all the archived entries and most of the comments. I'm just starting to re-read my favorites, and you haven't even gotten back from Thanksgiving break! Lazy bum. Just teasing, in case you didn't notice. But yes, I did read every single entry in less than three days--need I say that the blog is funny or that I like it?

Anonymous said...

I'm new here, Weasel, but I love you already. What I don't love are concern trolls commenting under funny fucking entries about how they can't stand this or that word and how that or this palens them.

Tough tit. So exit the site, cunt. :D

Stand strong, Weasel, and post whatever the fuck you want. This is a free country, the internet is even freer, and political correctness can kiss our collective female ass.

"Humor's back, and Weasel's got it, and we can have it any way we want it..."

LOVE this blog!

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