Monday, October 20, 2008

Thanks For The Mammaries

Loving your funbags!

Hello my name is Rueben and I would love to have fun with your D cup funbags! Do you enjoy having a man put his face between your mamaries glands and just licking everywhere including your lushious nipples and arreollas! I don't want sex or a relationship, just some time alone in between your jugs. I only require that you are size D or bigger (pic is best!)and if you are curently lactating thats a bonus. I love mamas milk. Finally have a man lust after your Funbags!

Rueben somehow manages to refer to breasts as "funbags", "jugs" and "mamaries glands" all in the course of 30 seconds. Which is commendable only if one is appearing on Family Feud and the question is "Name a word idiots use to describe female breasts."

D-cup women must be thrilled to find a man that is finally willing to lavish some attention on her breasts, nevermind the fact that she could open her front door naked, blow an airhorn, and cause a stampede of men not seen since the allied invasion of Normandy. If a D-cup woman is a planet, then men are her constantly orbiting, scummy moons. In fact, if you really want to get laid by a woman with D-cup breasts Rueben, walk up to her and say "Wow, I really love your eyes." Considering she likely hasn't heard that since puberty, she'll be acidophilus in your hands.

But no, Reuben chooses the old route of focusing on breasts. He even says "I don't want sex or a relationship, just some time alone in between your jugs." So not only does he clarify he doesn't want a relationship with you at all, he specifically wants to be alone with your breasts. Tell you what Reuben, hang two cantaloupes from a parking meter, and I'll milk a giraffe over your head. You'll get the same effect, only the parking meter won't yawn.

To attract a large-breasted woman, try using an unconventional approach. First, stop with the "bend over" dates, like trips to the petting zoo, a pumpkin patch, or the Grand Canyon. If you really want to impress her, take her to an air show or birdwatching. Second, try to maintain a straight face when approaching. The last thing she wants to see is another guy staring at her breasts like there's two leprechauns doing a riverdance while tossing a frisbee on her chest. The eyes bugging out, the jaw dropping- save it for ghosts.

56 comments:

RebelJubilee said...

Oh, my God. I can't get over the picture. How is that even possible? And the ad. How do you spend time alone with breasts when they're attached to someone else? Maybe he should just try and gain a lot of weight and then he can have his own set of Manboobs.

Weasel said...

Rebel, HOW did you get on here so fast???? This hasn't been up for two seconds!

RebelJubilee said...

I know, I got lucky. I actually checked it and you'd just gotten the first post up. Refreshed a few minutes later and voila! I'm east coast so its not so early in the morning for me.

Lynda said...

Something must be wrong with me... Im a D cup and I dont have men circling around me like moons...

I think I'l just go slink off to my corner now.... or go out and hug my horses.. they circle me... especially when I have their grain with me! Oh wait... they wont even give me the time of day right now... I already grained them and now they are eating their hay... damn horses!

I dont know how anyone can have boobs that big as in the picture... just the stress on her back would be enormous.

Weasel said...

You're just getting up- and I'm about to shoot a pound of China White heroin into my ass so I can go to sleep.

See you guys tomorrow!

RebelJubilee said...

Night, Weas. Make sure those blackout curtains are pulled tight. Don't want any nosey stalkers peaking in

Ashers said...

Hmmmm....I'm a D cup. I don't have men orbitting me but I have to say, I do get sick of them talking to my boobs instead of my face. They don't talk love, up here !!!

Being treated as a sex object and not a person is bad enough, having a part of your anatomy treated better than you are is just not on !!!

Go get some implants mate !

Weasel said...

Look close- it's a Photoshop.

I get a lot of submissions from you guys with Photoshopped dicks- it's fucking hilarious. Like a horse cock on a sand flea.

ChevyGirl said...

I thought she looked photoshopped. A doctor would see her and take her straight to surgery I bet! I currently have only Cs, but heck I am dieing to trade em in for some As. Men seem to like boobs over a B cup, so maybe if I got As I could easily thwart them! Anyone want a pair of C cups in trade for A cups? :)

Havocec said...

I'm a 38 F and those woman's funbags give me nightmares. But such creatures exist. I saw one the other day crossing the street. I think we should take up a collection and get the bikini babe a reduction.

4thehorses said...

Hey, lets take her for a nice, long, trail ride! That would be fun, no?

Lynda said...

Hey Im not riding next to her... that horse breaks into a trot and she's gonna knock out anyone next to her and her horse...

Has anyone watch the commercial for Extreme Make over Home edition for this coming week. They show the woman and she's jumping up and down... its like geezz lady get a bra on! She's like gonna knock herself out with those. Its only seen briefly.

4thehorses said...

I was bartending a wedding this summer, and when I got there to set up the bar, there was an older woman doing the flower arrangements for the tables. I overheard her telling folks that she was a principle of a local school. Here's the kicker. She was braless. She wasnt' HUGE, but big enough that it was just gross. She had a big ole loose T-shirt on and the girls (not really girls, but more saggy bags of jello) were bouncing around. Girls, always wear a bra - end of point.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

In one of the various horsey catalogs I get, I found a bra that is "inspired by the sitting trot" - I thought that was pretty amazing, because it takes various tarps and bungees to tie down my Ds while trotting, LOL.

I too lack men in orbit, even though I have a nice perky (real) rack that occasionally sees the light of day. I think I'm pretty happy with this set up, if that's the kind of men that are orbiting...

CaliGirl9 said...

I was praying for Photoshop. Though as I recall there's some woman in Europe somewhere that is working toward having the biggest implants ever.

Honestly, are men that clueless? If a woman is going to go through the time and effort to lactate, why in God's name would she lets some diseased tool suckle at her mammaries?

Casper the Friendly said...

Ha! The girl in that photo looks very familiar to me! Scary!

I think I have a fairly nice pair (never had any complaints). I used to work in a bar and it was amazing how much $$ a tank top and a bit of cleavage could get you.

My friend who was not so well endowed (although very pretty) never did make as much as I did. They do have their benefits. ;)

water_bearer said...

Wow. Two statements stand out for me:
"I love mamas milk."
Good for you, Reuben. Go get yourself some Similac from the dollar store, slap a diaper on yourself and pay some butch ass old queen to stick a bottle in your yap, because that's as close as you'll ever come to actual breast feeding. Or may I suggest pouring a little into your morning coffee with a little Drambuie... with a side of Phenobarbital?
And...
"Finally have a man lust after your Funbags!"
a) I didn't realize "funbag" was a proper noun. Like it's named after some town... probably in the Southwest. "You're now entering Funbag, U.S.A.! If you can't stop, jiggle as you go by!"
b) The use of the word "finally" here, is hi-fucking-larious. Yes, Rube (may I call you Rube?), just what every woman has secretly been wishing for and missing in her life. How we all lay awake at night and think to ourselves, "If only men paid more attention to my breasts." You idiot.

Rhyadawn said...

I have a very deep personal hate for men who can't maintain eye contact. I will never understand mens need to paw and drool over breasts.

If they love them that much they should get their own!

CutNJump said...

Boobies!

Answer on the board?

Boobies- number one...

Sorry all I can see is the Family Feud gameshow set in my head.

Thanks Weasy!

Oh, and I sent you another one...

CutNJump said...

Mine started out as a C then went to D's and god knows what they are now.

Hopefully someday I can get back to at least the C's. They attract enough attention- paired with the red hair...

My Mom wears an F cup. No lie! She has to go to a speacial lingerie shop to buy them. They have up to an I or K from what I understand and cater to the strippers with their silicone.

If Rube want to play with some real 'funbags', let him reach down between his own legs when he's got a serious case of blue balls. Those bags won't be so fun all swollen and tender now are they Reuben?

BTW- a lot of women with real breasts... When they get over a certain size, we would gladly give you some of what we have. We would be much happier without the back strain, bra strap notched shoulders, clothes that never fit right, the expensive bra's, the comments, stares and rude remarks.

Anonymous said...

I totally don't get the obsession with breasts. I wear a 34DD, and while it may seem cool or whatever, really it's just a pain in the ass. Now that I'm 35, they aren't really perky anymore (not that they ever really were), so basically it's two wads of fat that hang listlessly from my chest. It takes two bras to even consider riding my horse, and buying bras that keep me from giving myself a black eye and are still comfortable is a challenge. And sexy bras? Never gonna happen. It's industrial strength, wide strapped, multiple hooked monstrosities for me--and they only come in beige or white. Now tell me, in what way possible are these saggy, floppy tubes of fat sexy??? But guys stare at my chest all the time. I just don't get it.

What I wouldn't give for a B cup.

ChestnutJumper784 said...

I agree with Casper. I've come across job opportunities and increased income thanks, in part, to my breasts. And I'm fine with that.

water_bearer said...

While that pic is clearly photoshopped, I've actually known two unfortunate women in my life whose real set was comparable to those in the picture. One girl lost a lot of weight and that made a difference, but even still I'm sure they were some double or triple-letter special order size bra.
Another girl I knew was like this in high school. She came in as a Freshman that way. She could have lost a few pounds, but it was not all because she was heavy. I can only imagine what they looked like when she was 30. I would be saving up since I hit puberty to lop those bad boys off. I can't imagine.
I'm perfectly happy with my middle of the road 36C's. I wish that for my height and body type they were about a half cup size bigger, but that is not enough of a difference to warrant surgery, no way. Besides, if I'm anything like my mother, they'll be D's by the time I'm in my mid-40's and then I would hate myself for adding to them and probably want to lop some off then. So, as long as they keep passing the pencil test, they're probably just what nature intended. Broads who actually have boobs like the girl in this picture have a glandular disorder or must have been something horrible in a previous life. I feel sorry for them, I really do.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>I agree with Casper. I've come across job opportunities and increased income thanks, in part, to my breasts. And I'm fine with that.<<

Let's not forget forgiveness from traffic tickets! They are VERY good for that!

Mine could use to be jacked back up to proper height, at my age. But fortunately a $10 bra can give the illusion and it's cheaper than surgery.

As for "funbags" it makes me think of Carrie's crazy mother calling them "dirtypillows" in the Stephen King book. The term "funbag" sounds like it should be street slang for a baggie full of drugs!

Ella said...

I definitely wouldn't want D's or even C's but a B cup would be nice. A's are just too small and its hard to fill out a shirt. Anything over a B would be bad for my back though. Def not worth surgery though, I'm sure they'll grow eventually. If not, oh well. Its amazing though, men still talk to my breasts even though they are basically non-existent.

RebelJubilee said...

Ah, I see the photoshoppedness now. Especially where it goes around her right knee. I'd heard that there were women unfortunate enough to come close to that. Not for me thanks. I'll stick with my Bs

nip/tuck said...

...staring at her breasts like there's two leprechauns doing a riverdance while tossing a frisbee on her chest.

Ha! The visual! Thanks for that!

34D here, and totally fine with it, although it takes a little extra reinforcement to ride my horses and run. Again, I'll agree with those who are thankful for excused speeding tickets, doors held open, personal attention at the hardware store, and free drinks at the bar. If a guy's dumb (or enough of a prick) to buy me a drink when I'm wearing a wedding band, then he's dumb enough to pay the tab and leave the bar by himself at the end of the night.

DJ said...

I'm in college, so it's always an interesting parade of body types and... um... habits. For example, there's this girl in my english discussion section who has a very unique hand-raising technique. She raises her hand like a normal human being, but then jams her other forearm under her DD-ish boobs horizontally and bounces up and down until the TA calls on her. It looks like an earthquake in the hills... And it's all wasted effort, since my TA is female anyhow...

nip/tuck said...

I almost forgot to post the lame (but funny) joke I heard today...

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob, "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

Mary said...

"Men seem to like boobs over a B cup, so maybe if I got As I could easily thwart them! Anyone want a pair of C cups in trade for A cups? :)"

I've been blessed/cursed with a half size. They're called "Nearly Bs" but I call them "Barely Bs" Anyway, I have wanted to be able to fill out a shirt for ever. I can sit a trot all day long and not have an issue. Run down a flight of stair braless? Bring it on! Go 4Wheelin' with nothing holdin' the pups in? Sure! Fill out a boys shirt? Fuck no! Thankfully, I have a killer ass that counter balances it. I was voted "Best Ass" in my Senior year in College. Plus, I married an ass man.

Weas, ever think it was this easy to get a bunch of women to toss out their bra sizes? You're a fucking God, dude!

Also, I'm realizing that I have seen so many entries on FHOTD and everyone seemed so, well, turtlenecked. I'm rather relieved to know there are other potty mouthed, sick and twisted perverts of women out there. ~sniff~ I love you guys.

Shameless Self Promotion: New entry up! It's a long one though!

CutNJump said...

Mary-
Weas, ever think it was this easy to get a bunch of women to toss out their bra sizes? You're a fucking God, dude!


I bet he hadn't given it any thought! Which would make it all the more of a bonus for him now.

horsegal said...

Loving the comments. I'm not standing in line for this guy, thanks. Even though it is one of my goals in life to have nipples that point.. gosh.. even straight AHEAD!! Pointing up might just be too much to ask!!! 38G and yes I've been ready for the lopping off for some time, just waiting for the right time.

It's great when you're younger but once they go south.. (should have said I'm a 38 L for Looooonnnnngggggg)... and it's NOT pretty on a horse.. or jogging... even with 2 bras... it just succeeds in getting you a uniboob to the chin and a very sore back.

HOWEVER... working in a male dominated field like I do, and that they still look good when they are all "saddled up" in a great bra and a low cut top.. is definitely a perk. (Um, so to speak.) But I would still trade that attention for a normal sized set that didn't keep me from getting a suntan on my upper arms while topless in a tanning bed.. or give me cleavage to my chin, thanks.

And this guy.... *retch* good luck on your quest sweetie, you're going to be looking awhile.

Weasel said...

I'm making a pie chart of all your breast sizes.

Ella said...

Mary, I with ya. I barely have boobs but man do I have a great ass.

Havocec said...

Who sells the best riding bra? Right now I have a Glamorise from Sears with a zillion hooks up the front. But would like something better...

Anonymous said...

I wear a DD with a very small back size and everyone says I have "medium-sized" breasts, and no one believes I could wear anything over a C cup. Men, and many women, don't understand that CUP SIZES ARE NOT EQUAL. A 30DD is the same cup size as a 36B -- just on a woman with a narrower ribcage.

GET IT RIGHT.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, and by the way I am not petite, either. I am tall, with a narrow back.

wheelin126 said...

4thehorses said...
Hey, lets take her for a nice, long, trail ride! That would be fun, no?

LMAO what you want to have to take her to the hospital that bad!! You know that both of her eyes would be blackened and her nose broken hell she'd probably even give herself a skull fracture and a concussion or at least a ride on my kids appy would definitely do that to her....gawd that would suck being that big!!!

Anonymous said...

Damn! I could potentially be on this guy's list! (36D, for your chart Weasel.) Gah! I hate men who are obsessed with boobs--even my hubby picked up the obsession when mine went from a B to a D post-baby....grrrrrrr!!!! I miss my "ass man"...*sniff sniff*

CutNJump said...

36-38 DD for your chart Weasel. Only now there's no telling. Could be DDD if there is one or an E maybe? Would love to be a C again. Maybe some day.

Anyone without, can gladly have what my cups runeth over...

water_bearer said...

Seriously, CNJ, there should be some kind of fund where women with too much can donate some meat to those who want to add on. Ever see someone with a boob job that was lipoed fat from their own ass instead of a fake implant? Much more realistic.
This reminds me of the best breast cancer awareness shirt I've ever seen. It simply said:
"Save the tatas"

Zelika said...

It's men like this that make me want to turn my DD's into B's

Calantha said...

That guy is the personification if every junior high, hormone-addled moron's inner thoughts. Disgusting, what makes him think any woman with even an iota of common sense is going to respond?

And at last check, 38C here. Unfortunately I seem to have gone up a bit, but it could just be the style of the bras I have (varies depending on what I can get at the store that day). I was distraught enough when I went from a B to a C. I don't want them to get any bigger, and I'm perfectly willing to go under the knife to make sure of that.

CutNJump said...

Water bearer- I have seen that shirt. Recently too, I might add.

I would gladly donate some of what I have to those who wish to 'upgrade' or supersize what they have.

As for the lipo/boob job, a friend of mine married a woman who had that done as part of reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy. She had a tummy tuck, which they used for her new 'boobs'.

She came out looking fabulous! Nice flat tummy, perky new boobs! We should all be so lucky.

The fat from your own body won't often be rejected and no worries about leaking, stiffening, hardening, etc.

When using saline for a more realistic look- even the saline solution for contact lenses has an expiration date. Just something to think about.

Whiskey Me Away said...

Man I'd love to take some fat from somewhere else and put it in my boobs, but even that is out of the question. And yes CNJ there is an E.. I very from DDD to E depending on who I buy what from.

I am the queen of no bra though; I wear them out if I have to, but around the farm, NO WAY. My back only ever seems to bother me when I do wear a bra.

My best friend has a set of A's; she actually had a pep talk with tits as we were driving around one day that they need to be more like mine. I need to mention to her the fat injection issue. I bet she'd loved to raise her tummy to her chest.

nip/tuck said...

Weasel, I expect a pie chart in your next post

Pilar said...

For the pie chart; I'm a D, but I don't really notice men staring. That said I'm very VERY absent-minded and often not paying attention.

Rhyadawn said...

for the sake of the pie chart I am a DDD ,

I was out riding this afternoon and cursing the god that gave me these things!!!

water_bearer said...

It's funny CNJ... after I mentioned that shirt, I went over to Cakewrecks, and there it was again.
As for the saline, my mom had her implants done in the mid-70's, and they're still intact with no leakage. Of course, nature added on too, so she was pissed.

water_bearer said...

Oh... and "Cottage Whore," if you're reading this, jump in will ya? :)

CutNJump said...

My sister's friend was so small chested she didn't have to wear a bra. For anything. Not jogging, horseback riding- nothing. Whewn she worked out, her then hubby wouldn't let her bench press anything, because what she did have- would disappear!

When she got pregnant, she was excited to have B cups and actually being 'able' to wear bras.

Some of us should have it so easy!

Appyfreak said...

I showed the pic to my Hubby, and he almost threw up!
He said, Why would any one want something that big? EEEWWWWW!

For he Chart I am at the moment 38c, but will likely be a 38b when I quit nursing.

Anonymous said...

Cup sizes vary depending on the manufacturer. So a DD in Wacoal is actually an E in Freya, for example.

agustin96 said...

"Who sells the best riding bra? Right now I have a Glamorise from Sears with a zillion hooks up the front."

I wear an Enell and get them off ebay or from the tack store. Million of hooks as well... most unsexy thing ever!!! But holy crap does it ever work! Even comes with an instruction manual on how to properly adjust the girls for the best results!

And weasel... I will take two slices of pie... stupid mismatched set!

Anonymous said...

Photoshopped.

Somebody discovered Smearing Tool.

Mocha said...

It isn't that difficult. I once went out with a Chiropractor that had a deep and meaningful relationship with my tits. But I found that I was demoted from wingchick to big boobs to third wheel. I was, however, glad to deliver the news that me and my boobs decided that we didn't really want a free adjustments enough to put up with that shit anymore.