Friday, September 5, 2008

Anyone Wanna Play Tennis This Weekend?


Welcome back to WWHM Headquarters, located in beautiful downtown Dubuque, Iowa, right across from Wing C of Tom's Animal Rendering Plant!

It's the weekend, and I'm going to go play some tennis down at the Dubuque Country Club! Do you want to join me? Or does my tennis outfit intimidate you?

Don't fear me just because I'm as physically striking as a violent, hissing sex cobra.

Yes, just visualizing my finely striated buttocks, Hershey Kiss nipples, and ample, teasing manpouch may make your uterus expand like a Wal-Mart SuperStore onto federally protected wetlands. You must accept that I am a feral tree mynx, a man so fertile I could impregnate a box of Safeway plums with only heavy breath and juicy eyewink.

But I'll overlook your yearning, lustful hunger as long as you don't soak my custom-fitted Venezuelan cocksleeve with all that high-octane estrogen pumping out of your adrenal glands like so many rivers of bovine phlegm leaking from the snout of a severely congested musk ox munching on a chocolate bar during a High Plains blizzard.

Did I just hear a tee-hee-hee? Are you snickering at my genitals? Are we going to play tennis, or giggle like slumber-party schoolgirls drawing penises on a Pee-Chee?

I may be hung like an adolescent meerkat, but cut one of my bikini ties and the contents of that snug marble bag will fly at you like a mildly-startled fruit bat. You've been warned!

Anyway, after our tennis match I'm heading back to the offices of WWHM Enterprises, where we're going to do some serious tinkering! And after we're done tinkering, we're going to wash our hands and go into the office, and make some small changes to the blog.

Why changes? Well, we've noticed that the mood of WWHM got very dark this week. Sure, we had a couple laughs, but overall, the ads were so depressing that it really ruined the momentum and the mood of the blog. It was like having great sex with your wife, but just as you were about to orgasm, your mother barged in, sat in a chair, and asked you if you wouldn't mind listening to her read a poem she just wrote about a werewolf and a penguin opening a lemonade stand.

So we're going to lighten the mood this week. Get back to our fun days. The ads may not be so horrifyingly bad, but we'll find plenty to make fun of. That's what I hire and train my staff to do, and that's why I pay them $1.15 an hour.

So have a good weekend WWHM'ers, and we'll see you next week! And newcomers, thanks for all the great emails, and please stick around for some good times. Traffic is way up, and so are my spirits.

Love you guys!

The Weasel

32 comments:

Mary said...

Boy, oh boy! The desire to do some nipple tweeking is almost too much to handle!!!

Although, after looking closer, I'm finding that I keep returning to a very important question:

Which would be better to use as dental floss during foreplay, the strapping strings on the ball hammock, or the 2" if ranging thunder, although it is as thin as a baby seals hair, it holds?

The mind boggles! Atleast the 2 active brain cells my mellon currently holds.

kahara said...

LOL I don't think he even had to buy the male version of that "suit."

wheelin126 said...

LOL the circus has come to town!! Come on come all here is the world's strongest man that used WAY to many steroids...don't they shrink the "package"? Well I do believe it's true now looking at that sexy lavender colored circus heavy man attire. Anyone up for some vienna sausage and pistachios?

KayƩ said...

Wow, that must be the funniest thing I have seen AND read all day. Except a sign for a store called Once Ridden Bicycles.

~Jilly said...

I think you've mad a genius decision, Weaz.

Your commentary is one of the most fucking hilarious things I have ever read. I really mean that.

I was literally in tears.

nosey said...

I am trying to think of something clever to say but I just keep laughing!

CaliGirl9 said...

No way that face/head go with that body. Not that I am interested in either ...
Why is the stupid Madonna's song "Vogue" going through my head right now? I hate Madonna.
I also hate nutsack hammocks like the one this idiot is wearing. Only Sasha Baron Cohen as Borat can make them remotely amusing ...
Have a good weekend everyone!

anniebanannie said...

While I was laughing my head off, my son came in and peaked at the monitor and he said, "Ohhhhhh nooooooo, I didn't need to see that... christ."

Hey if he doesn't like it... he can move out.

ella said...

As soon as I looked at him I could practically see him saying "hey girl heyyy." Sure he's looking for women, Weasel?

Weasel said...

Annie I hope I haven't permanently scarred your son. Or his opinion of you.

I will pay for therapy.

Diane said...

Having had some friends who were/are currently male strippers and/or transvestites, I would like to suggest that it's highly probable that this man is tucking, a practice which involves moving the penis "down South" and holding it between the buttocks. Some men even go to the extent of pushing their testicles up into the cavity they dropped from in utero (I don't remember what it's called, or what the practice is called). This truly leaves them looking like they have a smooth, feminine pubic area. I think he is most definitely tucking, since the only impression his penis is making on that, erm, outfit is the hundreds of women who are simultaneously laughing and trying not to vomit when they picture their fathers, significant others, or Burt Reynolds wearing the same ensemble.

wheelin126 said...

I don't really care what he's doing all I can think of is what a sexy beeotch he is!!

Floyd said...

I may be hung like an adolescent meerkat
I snickered so much at that. Thanks for a return to lighter times, Weasel.

FerretFan said...

No, seriously, you made this one up. No actual human male, especially on that age, would display himself in such a manner.
Please tell me that photoshop is the evil behind that picture

Anonymous said...

GAHHH MY EYES

I seriously think I just died a little inside. Oh god.

K.

Nosnikta said...

*** Did I just hear a tee-hee-hee? Are you snickering at my genitals? ***

ROLFMAO! This is hysterical because as I was reading, the picture popped up, I looked down, I DID "tee hee" and then I continued to read your next line! It was like you were sitting here with me lmao!

Good job Weesie. Love ya back!

Thingsthatperplexme said...

I adore the semi-serious face, with the "do you think I'm sexy" body language. I snicker out loud.

Dori said...

Oh ick. I didn't need to see that.

Anonymous said...

I'm speechless...

He has got to be beyond gay


Fenfox

horsegal said...

"with all that high-octane estrogen pumping out of your adrenal glands like so many rivers of bovine phlegm leaking from the snout of a severely congested musk ox munching on a chocolate bar during a High Plains blizzard"

I pealed so hard at that, coffee ran out my nose (ouch). WHERE do you come up with this stuff, Weaz?

*laughing helplessly* Thanks for the great laugh!

CutNJump said...

Could a photo like that be used as grounds for a divorce?

I bet he stole the sting thing from Cher, but she can at least pull off that 'look'. Thanks to medical technology.


If I were ever faced with such a dislay...

I might grab the straps and snap them like suspenders. Or pull really tight, giving him the worst, most wicked wedgie of his life. He might enjoy that though, but I doubt I could do either for the hysterical laughter.

Mack Truck said...

That photo looks like the husband of a former friend. Blech!

He would run around their property wearing just a vienna sausage & grapes snood and rubber boots. Occasionally he'd add an old ratty bathrobe to the ensemble.

He certainly thought he was all that and a BIG bag of Cheetos. His wife thought he was, too. Ugh.

Damned nasty old dog used to cheat on her any time he could. None of her friends dared tell her though, because the one time we tried to, she accused us of WANTING him! Um, not so much.

Blech. Thanks for that not so happy trip down memory lane, Weasel.

fjordwoman said...

I keep checking back to see if there's a new post, and evry time my eyes are scalded!
Owwww! My eyes, my eyes are bleeding!

Nosnikta said...

LOL me too. Ya know.. the more I look at this guy, the more familiar he looks. He looks like one of my more colorful and delusional customers.

CutNJump said...

Me three. Keep cheking for new stuff, and screaming every time this guy comes up.

anniebanannie said...

Weasel said...

Annie I hope I haven't permanently scarred your son. Or his opinion of you.

Too late, he's already scarred. Christ, you think I was "changed" by WWHM blogspot? Nope. Been like this and been open about it for years.

Luckily children are easy to fool and they love me anyway and think I'm, uh... adorably eccentric or something like that.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Mommy needs her fix now, sugar. Needs it *now*

Indra said...

That guy looks a LOT like my friends grandpa (though it's not him). Now I have gross imaging going thew my mind, not that I didn't when I first saw this photo...

l said...

...some things cannot be unseen...

Anonymous said...

I actually just yelped aloud at this thing. Ewwww.

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