Friday, September 5, 2008
Anyone Wanna Play Tennis This Weekend?
Welcome back to WWHM Headquarters, located in beautiful downtown Dubuque, Iowa, right across from Wing C of Tom's Animal Rendering Plant!
It's the weekend, and I'm going to go play some tennis down at the Dubuque Country Club! Do you want to join me? Or does my tennis outfit intimidate you?
Don't fear me just because I'm as physically striking as a violent, hissing sex cobra.
Yes, just visualizing my finely striated buttocks, Hershey Kiss nipples, and ample, teasing manpouch may make your uterus expand like a Wal-Mart SuperStore onto federally protected wetlands. You must accept that I am a feral tree mynx, a man so fertile I could impregnate a box of Safeway plums with only heavy breath and juicy eyewink.
But I'll overlook your yearning, lustful hunger as long as you don't soak my custom-fitted Venezuelan cocksleeve with all that high-octane estrogen pumping out of your adrenal glands like so many rivers of bovine phlegm leaking from the snout of a severely congested musk ox munching on a chocolate bar during a High Plains blizzard.
Did I just hear a tee-hee-hee? Are you snickering at my genitals? Are we going to play tennis, or giggle like slumber-party schoolgirls drawing penises on a Pee-Chee?
I may be hung like an adolescent meerkat, but cut one of my bikini ties and the contents of that snug marble bag will fly at you like a mildly-startled fruit bat. You've been warned!
Anyway, after our tennis match I'm heading back to the offices of WWHM Enterprises, where we're going to do some serious tinkering! And after we're done tinkering, we're going to wash our hands and go into the office, and make some small changes to the blog.
Why changes? Well, we've noticed that the mood of WWHM got very dark this week. Sure, we had a couple laughs, but overall, the ads were so depressing that it really ruined the momentum and the mood of the blog. It was like having great sex with your wife, but just as you were about to orgasm, your mother barged in, sat in a chair, and asked you if you wouldn't mind listening to her read a poem she just wrote about a werewolf and a penguin opening a lemonade stand.
So we're going to lighten the mood this week. Get back to our fun days. The ads may not be so horrifyingly bad, but we'll find plenty to make fun of. That's what I hire and train my staff to do, and that's why I pay them $1.15 an hour.
So have a good weekend WWHM'ers, and we'll see you next week! And newcomers, thanks for all the great emails, and please stick around for some good times. Traffic is way up, and so are my spirits.
Love you guys!