I am interested in "furries" (?) in my area. I am agoraphobic and cannot easily explore outside of my building. Would anyone be willing to come to my condominium in XXXXXXXX tomorrow or Saturday?
When most people spot a moose in their backyard, their first instinct is to run into the house and hide. However, for a few select others, their first instinct is to run into the house and put on a hide- and grab a nice bottle of wine and some Marvin Gaye records while they're at it.
Just kidding. We have to make a distinction first, because in our example above, we're actually describing "bestiality", which refers to humans initiating sexual contact with actual animals. Bestiality is always disgusting, unless I'm alone in the WWHM offices and a confident sheep with a coy demeanor just happens to waltz into my office wearing a frilly garter and dark green eyeshadow. Then it's called youthful exuberance. Followed quickly by alcohol poisoning. Take notes, Mr. Gere.
Today, we're actually going to discuss "furries", a peculiar sexual fetish characterized by a desire to dress up and role-play as an animal. Which is not disgusting at all, but rather just completely fucking odd.
If you think about it, "furry" sex is just like regular sex, only there's no kissing, no touching, and rather than making love to a woman you feel a deep emotional passion for, you're blindly dry-humping the shell of a large plastic Chinese chipmunk ensemble. Wow, talk about some deep thinking on a long drive home.
Psychologists theorize "furries" share a basic set of common traits; frequent exposure to and idolization of animals and animal characters as a youth, a feeling of detachment from other human beings, and a close relationship with a dry cleaner capable of extracting large semen stains from the intricate faux-fur of an overblown raccoon head.
"Plushies" are similar to "furries", only they have an attraction to stuffed animals, as opposed to real animals, or humans dressed as fake animals. In addition, some "furries" may be "plushies" if they enjoy dressing up as an animal and having sex with a stuffed animal rather than another "furry". Am I the only one that feels this blog entry needs a fucking flow chart?
Plushies may outfit their favored animals with multiple genital entry points, as plushies frequently enjoy having sex with stuffed animals. So apparently "double-stuffed" doesn't just apply to Oreo cookies, and we must continue to recognize the differences in the creamy fillings. But God help us if Hasbro and Nabisco ever merge.
Some other "furry" terms? "Yiffing" refers to a sexual act while in costume, a "furpile" denotes group furry sex, "skritching" means affectionately tending to another's costume, and "spooge" is the term used for ejaculate, proving furries aren't always as creative as they think they are.
Lastly, furries utilize the term "furvert" for those who are sexually attracted specifically to college mascots. Indeed I find it odd that a grown man getting boned in a gopher suit refers to someone attracted to the Stanford Tree as a word so closely associated with "pervert."
(WWHM realizes that some of our posts don't live up to the blog name Why Women Hate Men. Being a "furry" is not a reason for women to hate men. In fact, WWHM staff does not find any fetish offensive to women at all. Except poop. And urine. And bestiality. We just like to mix up our posts now and then to make fun of different aspects of human sexuality. Because, fuck, even regular sex is funny. Plus, we'd like to sincerely apologize to Mr. Gere for once again prolonging the stupid "gerbil in the ass" urban legend. He still won't get caught dead in a pet store.)