Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Animal Attraction: A Brief Synopsis

Furry Companion?

I am interested in "furries" (?) in my area. I am agoraphobic and cannot easily explore outside of my building. Would anyone be willing to come to my condominium in XXXXXXXX tomorrow or Saturday?

When most people spot a moose in their backyard, their first instinct is to run into the house and hide. However, for a few select others, their first instinct is to run into the house and put on a hide- and grab a nice bottle of wine and some Marvin Gaye records while they're at it.

Just kidding. We have to make a distinction first, because in our example above, we're actually describing "bestiality", which refers to humans initiating sexual contact with actual animals. Bestiality is always disgusting, unless I'm alone in the WWHM offices and a confident sheep with a coy demeanor just happens to waltz into my office wearing a frilly garter and dark green eyeshadow. Then it's called youthful exuberance. Followed quickly by alcohol poisoning. Take notes, Mr. Gere.

Today, we're actually going to discuss "furries", a peculiar sexual fetish characterized by a desire to dress up and role-play as an animal. Which is not disgusting at all, but rather just completely fucking odd.

If you think about it, "furry" sex is just like regular sex, only there's no kissing, no touching, and rather than making love to a woman you feel a deep emotional passion for, you're blindly dry-humping the shell of a large plastic Chinese chipmunk ensemble. Wow, talk about some deep thinking on a long drive home.

Psychologists theorize "furries" share a basic set of common traits; frequent exposure to and idolization of animals and animal characters as a youth, a feeling of detachment from other human beings, and a close relationship with a dry cleaner capable of extracting large semen stains from the intricate faux-fur of an overblown raccoon head.

"Plushies" are similar to "furries", only they have an attraction to stuffed animals, as opposed to real animals, or humans dressed as fake animals. In addition, some "furries" may be "plushies" if they enjoy dressing up as an animal and having sex with a stuffed animal rather than another "furry". Am I the only one that feels this blog entry needs a fucking flow chart?

Plushies may outfit their favored animals with multiple genital entry points, as plushies frequently enjoy having sex with stuffed animals. So apparently "double-stuffed" doesn't just apply to Oreo cookies, and we must continue to recognize the differences in the creamy fillings. But God help us if Hasbro and Nabisco ever merge.

Some other "furry" terms? "Yiffing" refers to a sexual act while in costume, a "furpile" denotes group furry sex, "skritching" means affectionately tending to another's costume, and "spooge" is the term used for ejaculate, proving furries aren't always as creative as they think they are.

Lastly, furries utilize the term "furvert" for those who are sexually attracted specifically to college mascots. Indeed I find it odd that a grown man getting boned in a gopher suit refers to someone attracted to the Stanford Tree as a word so closely associated with "pervert."

(WWHM realizes that some of our posts don't live up to the blog name Why Women Hate Men. Being a "furry" is not a reason for women to hate men. In fact, WWHM staff does not find any fetish offensive to women at all. Except poop. And urine. And bestiality. We just like to mix up our posts now and then to make fun of different aspects of human sexuality. Because, fuck, even regular sex is funny. Plus, we'd like to sincerely apologize to Mr. Gere for once again prolonging the stupid "gerbil in the ass" urban legend. He still won't get caught dead in a pet store.)


Richelle said...

Thank you for that education, blogpirational entry Weasel. Yes, perhaps off the beaten path of WWHM, but still an entertaining read. Like so many of you, my first experience with furries was through watching that early CSI episode, and then again through deviantArt, which is not named for the avant-guard personal expressions hosted there, but rather, the sexual deviants that use the site to post cock pictures and stalk the 12 year olds who just want to draw Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron fanart.

Would love to see a whole series of educational bits about various fetishes... bet you could find some bizarre ones to feed to the ravenous, salivating tigers that we are.

Havocec said...

What a wonderful fetish. Perfect for those out there whose youth was incomplete because you never won the giant blue elephant at the dart game during the town fair.

Here you have one prize who's a agorophobic so you don't have to worry about him leaving the house. Kinda like an indoor cat, with aposable thumbs and a zip up back.

I wonder what his life would be like if he were clautrophobic?

"I want to be a "Furrie" but I'm afraid of my costume".

Weird. We, as a society, have way too much money and time on our hands.

CSI rocks. Laughed my ass off when the raccoon was mistaken for a coyote and was shot.

Weasel said...

Thanks Richelle, I didn't know how this was going to go over. I want to expand WWHM into different arenas, just as you suggested.

Any other suggestions readers, post here in the comments or email me.

Now I know people will say "How can you judge them by what they like?"

I'm NOT judging them, I'm making fun of our sexuality as humans. I am a complete fucking pervert myself, and I have already mocked some fetishes I'm into on my own blog! And no, I won't tell you which ones.

Weasel said...

Holy shit Hav, that was claustrophobic line was great.

You guys should be writing my crappy blog. I just laughed my ass off.

Richelle said...

Pfftt crappy blog... yeah, that's why I check it daily. Geez Weasel, maybe we should write up an entry for you about self-depreciating guys. It is the WOMAN'S job to whine and fish for complements ;)

As a completely unrelated note, WHY does it make my name all lower case? The grammar Nazi in my twinges every time I see a proper name uncapitalized.

Richelle said...

Heh, the irony... I meant to say, the grammar nazi in ME, not in my.

Anonymous said...

You know, Weasel, you should really make an expedition in the name of research and attend an anime convention sometime. Whole new vistas of bizarre sexual fixations would open before you... Take, for example, the even weirder cousins of furries, the "otherkin".

Mary said...

The flow chart comment sparked a laughing/coughing/gagging fit. It was EXACTLY what I was thinking!!

I'm nominating this for the Hall Of Shame!!!

Mary said...

~hangs head in shame~ I've been to Anime conventions. The hubby and I are planning at trip to LA for the BIG ONE. I'm going as Azumi and the hubby will be Alphonse Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist. My Geek side is coming out, huh? He's FAR MORE into it then I am, but if I get laid out of the deal, I'm all for it.

And I hve some pretty strange, I don't know if they're called fetishes or not, but likes when it comes to the sexual side of me, however this is not one of them. Nothing animal related is, unless you count doggy style...

bad_wolf said...

Hey I love to go to anime conventions/cosplay too! I just never have the time, or energy to make the costumes. And I've never met an otherkin, but I have heard we~ird things. The great wide net can introduce you to many many things to lose your innocence. Like this blog. Lol.

Anonymous said...

I just want to clarify a point, and hopefully lift some shame here.

"Furry" is not actually a fetish. A furry is someone who likes anthropomorphic animal characters. Now, this could be in artwork, poetry, stories or costume. It's a very umbrella sort of term. "Furvert" actually refers to the sexual deviants of the group. Because yeah, unfortunately they are out there, giving the rest of us a bad name - they're the loudest ones, running around saying furry is all about sex. They're actually the minority. :|

I'm not trying to rag on your blog Weasel, it's fun to read! But honestly, I've been to comic conventions, anime conventions and furry conventions. Want sex, weird fetishes or 12 year old girls making out with each other in the hallway? Attend an anime con. Or at least Anime Detour for the 12 year olds anyways.
Because of the whole 'furfag/furvert' paranoia, most furry cons have a strictly enforced 'family appropriate' rule. Yeah, there's still sex (come on, get a bunch of like-minded people together, they're going to start boning each other) but it's in their own private hotel rooms, not out where everyone has to put up with it.
Me? I just like the costumes. I do local performances for charity groups and am actually requested to attend new ones each year. CSI is not the gospel truth. I mean, come on - they did an episode that made little people look like sex-crazed murderers too.
Sorry, I'll get off the soapbox now.

-Ashamed to be a 'furry'

CaliGirl9 said...

The furries don't bug me so much; one could argue each are frustrated actors who were not able to get work at Disneyland or Disneyworld or any other theme park and satisfy their need to wander about in public grabbing teenage girls' (or boys') butts while hidden in fur and a big 'ol character head.

The ponyplay fetish ones do bug me though. As much as love horses, no way am I ever going to trot about wearing a fake horse head and shaking my horse-tailed ass and asking my master to "brush me." Nothing sexy there.


Ashers said...

Good lord.

Really ???

Well bugger me with a barge pole !

Ashers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jax said...

hey Drama was all into it on Entourage...lol.

Weasel said...

Hey anonymous, DON'T be ashamed of it!!

There's nothing wrong with it! I make fun of EVERYBODYS sexuality on here!

I actually garnered all this information from "furry" websites, so if anything is incorrect on my post, it came from another "furry's" opinion on the meaning of the words.

Yes, I actually do RESEARCH!

Believe me, I've done A LOT worse shit than dressing up in a costume.

Actually the fucking best line I came across while researching this entry came from a furry himself. He said:

"They think we're weird? You know what's weird? Dressing up your 5 year-old like a goddamn cheap prostitute and whoring her out in a beauty pageant. That's sick and wrong."

I couldnt agree more. I couldn't fucking agree more.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Here you have one prize who's a agorophobic so you don't have to worry about him leaving the house. Kinda like an indoor cat, with aposable thumbs and a zip up back.<<

*diet coke on keyboard*


Tribblehappy said...

Hey, a collection of educational sex ed entries could be fun! As long as you never mention figging again, I remember that old post, I still cringe and go "WHY???"

And hell, you're a writer, you have to write about slightly different topics now and again! You can't mock your own gender EVERY day now can you?

Keep it coming, I've never left here disappointed!

Havocec said...

Thanks Weasel...I wanna be you when I grow up. But right now I'm like that country song.."so much cooler on-line"

Anonymous said...

I wore a costume that looked like the one he's wearing to a fancy dress thing when I was eight. I'm frightened now.

Fira said...

""Furry" is not actually a fetish. A furry is someone who likes anthropomorphic animal characters. ..."Furvert" actually refers to the sexual deviants of the group. "

All true, and I' not sure why he's ashamed...it is generally held that as long as you aren't one of the "yiffers" or fursuits, then it's ok.

Also, both of the above -- the obnoxious, disgusting groups of "furries" -- are usually refered to as "furfags."

And the rest of us hate them. With a passion. They give us a bad name.

I am glad to see that no one here seems to be overtly bashing furries.

Anonymous said...

It was certainly interesting for me to read this blog. Thanks for it. I like such themes and everything that is connected to this matter. I would like to read more on that blog soon.

Anonymous said...

It was rather interesting for me to read that post. Thanx for it. I like such topics and anything connected to this matter. BTW, try to add some photos :).