Thursday, November 20, 2008

Backfire

Mr.Right....Now -

I desire to find you now. I am about to give up soooo much just to meet you and take a chance on true love-not mediocre love that is way too common. I have shed tears every time I read a romantic greeting card because I do not have someone to tell those beautiful things to- i feel like crying. The next lady to connect with me will be the happiest lady on the planet - Tim

Women are genetically predisposed to seek out aggressive, unpredictable and dominant males. To attract females, men must exhibit a kill-or-be-killed mentality, show absolutely no fear in the face of incredible danger, and must prove they have an innate ability to protect you in the most harrowing of situations. Men that successfully project this Herculean image are regularly rewarded with countless 3am trips to your apartment because "you thought you saw a moth."

But sometimes we find guys like Tim, who instead presents himself as a blubbering, impotent pantywaist soaking the aisles of Rite-Aid with tears after reading a romantic Hallmark haiku. I'm not calling him a pussy, but if he cuts himself, I'm grabbing a maxi-pad in Aisle 6.

So if a man knew he had to project an image of confidence and strength to attract a woman, why would he post a personal ad that implies he posts muffin recipes on his refrigerator and shaves his pubic hair into a heart shape?

Because he's an idiot.

After years of women complaining about the "emotional unavailability of men,” Tim has neglected his bravado and chosen the sneaky back-door tactic of displaying his emotional vulnerability up front in hopes of attracting a woman, not realizing that when women say they desire emotional vulnerability in men they mean they want it in men they are already dating. So, essentially, he's putting the cart in front of the horse's ass.

What that means, Tim, is women don't want you to admit you're a whining, soft-cocked, bird-fearing sissy boy before they date you. So instead of coming off as a sensitive man in your personal ad, you come off as the type of guy who hides behind a blind Girl Scout in a wheelchair every time a dog barks.

27 comments:

TornadoBaby said...

Oh lawd, he reminds me of the guy who was so beautiful he hurt... wait, he hurt, or we hurt looking at him? You get the idea... love the blind Girl Scout line!

Weasel said...

Thanks Baby! We should run "Beautiful" again- that was a classic.

TornadoBaby said...

Haha, yeah... he wasn't no A&F model, that's for sure.

searching_for_something said...

My goldfish has more testosterone that him, what a bless

RebelJubilee said...

Haven't had a chance to read them yet, but I'm glad to see you've got something up and running. Now I've got something to read in class when the prof gets horribly boring!!

Nosnikta said...

He's probably one you'd have to squash bugs for.

And forget sarcastic humor (which I'm notorious for). This guy would be red-nosed and snuffling because "waaaaaaaaah you hurt my feeeeeeeeelingggggggs"..

Grow some balls ya big sissy girl. Cripes, my 11yo daughter has more cajones than you do.

Havocec said...

Oh my god. I bet his ring tone is Feelings by Morris Albert. Bet he has an extensive Barry Manilow and Air Supply collection.

Sorry, I need a man who can squash a bug without passing out.

Anonymous said...

I'm dating 2 men right now.

One is short, stocky, dark, hairy, crude... rich and powerful.

The other is a tall, sensitive, fair, thin, boy-ish looking sweetie. Also a very well-educated, well-employed talented musician.

Of course i should WANT to choose the musician. He actually HAS something to discuss unlike guy #1.

But at my age... 42... I want a man... not a boy....

Liz S said...

Wow. Yah as a general rule any guy I'm dating is required to have more balls than I do. I think thats a relatively simple request seeing I don't actually have testicles, but Tim here fails horribly. Go take a Midol Tim.

Glad to see you back Weasel ;)

jax said...

wow Tim maybe we should sit down and talk about your feelings over ice cream and Vogue.

horsegal said...

If I wanted to be a mother, I would have had children.

Jim and Garret said...

Chances are he hasn't cried since he was 12. He's probably failed in the dating scene and decided to try a new tactic. His story says he does cry and then indicates that he COULD cry. I think I'm reading straight through his text and looking at a liar.

CaliGirl9 said...

Well, it's obvious what's going on here.

Tim read the "Twilight" books. He's emoting. He's a tortured soul.

He's working on transforming himself into Edward Cullen. All the little girls love Edward Cullen.

Floyd said...

I see an ad like this, and figure it's one of two things- he's trying to make his emotional instability come across as sensitive, or he's trying to hook someone by making them think he's sensitive when he's really a jackass. Either he's a manipulative douche, or he's a candyass. Neither is appealing, so Tim fails twice as hard.

Walk On said...

This guy actually disgusts me as much as the old fart who wanted a 20 something to sit on "daddy's" lap.

"hides behind the blind Girl Scout..."... lol!

Also lol at Searching's comment re: goldfish.

Garret, Floyd, I think you boys nailed it.

Meh.

Color me single for life.

Rozie said...

What a damn pussy. I want a man who has some balls in an emergency not a cry baby who I have to protect.

Sheri said...

I'm afraid the cynic in me agrees with Jim and Garrett. A bit like men who pretend to be feminists so they can get laid.

Perla said...

Argh! Run away! Run away! That is all.

Calantha said...

The teary, blond curly-haired pre-teen(?) pic + the ad = priceless.

I like a guy who's in touch with his sensitive side, but damn. This one is not going to last long in life if he doesn't learn soon that being a crybaby helps no one, male or female. Do it often enough, and people will start saying, "Oh that one? S/he worries over nothing and cries over every little thing. Got to be emotionally unstable."

Brandy said...

Hmm. I do think you called it, Floyd. There is a whiff of lying in that ad...

Now hubby, he's a guy. He likes the cars, the planes, the space stuff - and so do I! He also has a tender side. I know EXACTLY what to say that will make him tear up like he's dicing onions. He's in touch with his emotions, more than I am! I know spiders scare the bejeezus out of him, and that he's easy to scare at a haunted house.

I'm glad he's got that side, but even more grateful that it isn't his dominant side! He'll squish any bug for me except those spiders (which don't scare me, so fair trade!), he'd maim any person that tried to hurt me or any vulnerable person, he's got muscles and uses them. He holds doors open for women, children, men, whatever. That's polite.

Timmy has a long way to go before any Lassie will get him out of his well of tears....

Anonymous said...

I think the whole schtick is bullshit, but I'd give a guy like that a shot. He might be romantic and I can kill my own bugs.

octopod said...

If he wasn't lying, it'd be totally fine. I certainly don't require guys I date to have more balls than I do. Unfortunately, he's pretty obviously lying.

LadyDemoniusX said...

"I desire to find you now."

Great...you go over there, hide your eyes and count to...oh...a thousand.

Meanwhile, I'm going to enter the Witness Protection Program. Let's make this a REAL challenge.

Danbala said...

"I have shed tears every time I read a romantic greeting card because I do not have someone to tell those beautiful things to-(ok i feel like crying)!!" is a quote from an ad referenced to on August 21st. My, my, whoever gave the poor lads the idea that this is a good pick-up line? :/

IronyMaiden said...

Oh c'mon, such guys are not that bad - as friends. But never ever as boyfriends... unless I want to be the man in the relationship. ;)

Philippine girls said...

if you are really serious in your search you must have confidence to show your best to get the mate you've been dreaming. Be attractive and they'll get attracted to you. Be strong!

N said...

I know a Tim who uses "soooooo" a lot. Like "You make me sooooo happy", "I am sooooo drunk", "I feel soooo bad for hurting you". Maybe it's the same guy!

Even if not, soooo not worth it.