Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Mama's Boy

Hard to pass me up!

Hello ladies, a little bit about myself. I graduated from Duke University a couple years ago. I have a great job which pays incredibly, a Lexus, and an apartment which is filling out very nicely. I've been wanting to buy a house, but there is one thing missing, my thin, beautiful trophy wife on my arm. You should be athletic (I run five miles every day, rain or shine) and your fat ass will not be sitting on the couch. You should be intelligent enough to hold a conversation in polite company, but know your place, and when it is appropriate to speak. You should know how to cook, because I am tired of ordering in, and going out every night. My mom has already said that she'd be happy to show you how to cook some of my favorite meals. You can be college educated, however you won't be working anyhow, so I don't see how it matters. Unless of course you studied home-making. Be sure to send a full body photo of yourself, clothing optional. *wink* Steven

I'm sure we all remember that strange kid with the plastic helmet in second grade that used to spend half his day eating wasps and the other half sticking his tongue in the pencil sharpener. Tempered brilliance tends to manifest itself in a bizarre fashion with youngsters, so most of these kids actually end up as mildly successful adults just like Steven did.

Mothers excessively coddle these disturbed youths however, and as a result they tend to grow into adulthood with a bloated sense of entitlement, especially in regards to women. That's unfortunate, because Steven sincerely believes he's an irresistable catch for any woman, despite the fact that just up until last year he couldn't shit properly without wearing a blue cape that said "I'm Mommy's Favorite Sooper Pooper" in pink stitching. He continues, however, to make tractor noises when he wipes.

So as expected, Steven has done quite well for himself. He graduated from Duke University and found himself in a high-paying job. So high-paying in fact, that not only has he has been able to afford something called an apartment, but he also drives a Lexus. Wow, Steven, that's pretty impressive.

Until you consider the fact that the last time I saw a Lexus, I was stepping out of one and heading into .... wait for it ..... my apartment. I'm a man that writes a blog about penises and I have the same accoutrements as you, yet you don't see me ordering my girlfriend to make me a goddamn pot roast.

Anyway, Steven seeks a thin, beautiful, educated woman that can cook and knows when to keep her mouth shut. That sounds like a fine selection, Steven, because when she's aggressively cooking the pool boy's cock in her thin and beautiful uterus, she'll be educated enough to keep her mouth shut about it.

Maybe when your mother is sharing tips with your new girlfriend about how to raise bread properly, she can share with your mother some tips on how to raise children properly.

Now go buy her some new shoes, bitch. The pool boy is almost here.

70 comments:

Perla said...

Sadly, I think this wanker may be more than able to find a willing participant.

Weasel said...

You know he will Perla.

BTW readers, I drive a really SHITTY Lexus, just in case you thought I was attempting to brag.

Ashers said...

Just when I think I've been totally flabbergasted, you flabber my gast some more !!!

I've read posts that have made me laugh, than have made me retch and that have made me feel very sad, but this is the first one that's made me ANGRY.

Who the bloody hell does Steve think he is ???? A God ?? Royalty ?? He shits & farts & squeezes spots, just like the rest of us....someone needs to be taken down a large peg or two...

**rushes off to kick something inanimate**

Ashers said...

Actually.....could it be a wind up ??

czechkatieout said...

As a current student at UNC Chapel Hill, this ad does not surprise me at all! Thanks for letting the rest of the world know how much Dukies suck, Weasel.

Go Heels!

Weasel said...

Yeah, the UNC campus will probably love that one.

fleeting said...

I'm with ashers - I want to kick this guy in the balls. And then while he is laying on the floor in the fetal position, quietly sobbing, dislodge the spatula his mother shoved up his ass 22 years ago. I will even bring a soundtrack with which to do this to... perhaps Killing in the Name of by Rage Against the Machine? FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!

Oh, so very satisfying..

On the upside, I could keep him as my new pet, since apparently this douchebag has some rare talent that allows him to shit gold, unlike the rest of us lowly human beings. He'd be like the goose who laid the golden egg, only larger, more obnoxious, and probably with a larger beak. You KNOW he has a face only his mother could pretend to love.

jen said...

That could be my ex talking! Only this guy's actually willing to admit what he really wants... and actually successful... but the coddled momma's boy, overinflated sense of entitlement, all the same!
My first time posting, but I love reading! Reminds me why I'm single.

Weasel said...

If you notice, his ad follows the reasoning of this old joke:

What's the best part about dating a short, fat, balding and small dicked Ivy League grad?

The Ferrari.

Weasel said...

Thanks Jen. Read through the old stuff, it'll make you REALLY glad you're single.

My ultimate goal is to get every woman single.... and then I POUNCE.

Nosnikta said...

This sounds exactly like my ex-husband. The reason he's an ex is because I didn't follow one of the cardinal rules of trophy wife.

I spoke.

He even had the audacity to tell me I sounded stupid when I opened my mouth.

Now when I see him, I love to stroll up to him with horse shit on my boots, my spurs jingling, messy hair, no makeup, smelling of sweat and smiling. And SPEAKING my mind!

Asshole. Omnipotent self-important prick.

Nawww I'm not bitter :-) I'm just happy I got out of there.

Nosnikta said...

(giggle) Weas is building a harem. What an awesome strategy.

Hjorrdis said...

I wonder if he's ever had a girlfriend before.

Hjorrdis said...

Oh, and I wouldn't want anybody's cock, even the pool boy, in my uterine canal. It hurt thinking about it. You might want to change that.

Rozie said...

My ultimate goal is to get every woman single.... and then I POUNCE.

I think your plan is working very well weasel, this walking shit-stain makes me so pissed off I want to knee the next set of nuts I see :)

Thingsthatperplexme said...

remarkably effective tactic, Weas.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

We should arrange for our own reality show; we take some of the best 'winners' from here, subject them to our scathing witticisms, real world challenges (like mucking stalls!) and reform them before unleashing them back on the world.

Perhaps we can also include mandatory neutering for those that fail to pass our exacting standards.

Anonymous said...

You'd think with that much money he'd be able to buy a clue on how to appropriately use commas. Jackass. Not that I want to insult male donkeys, but this guys really pisses me off.

SassyBrunette said...

"Sadly, I think this wanker may be more than able to find a willing participant."

Oh he absolutely will. I'm an apartment dweller as well and I've met SEVERAL "apartment trophy wives." Hell, I live next to one riiiiiight now. And it just begs the question, "What do you do all day?" Her husband always complains to me how he wishes he had enough money for a house and I have to literally bite my tongue to not suggest apartment trophy wife gets off her fat ass and helps out with rent/house payments. I understand the "I live in a mansion and play tennis at the club all morning and golf all afternoon" trophy wives. Sounds like a cool vacation to me, but in reality seems like a high divorce-risk situation. I'm sure some women can be happy that way; I'd just as soon go crazy and need the divorce.

So, I'm thinking the only logical companion for this over-inflated ego of a fucking pig, is a nice female yellow lab. She will run 5 miles with you, never speak a word, have no problem sitting around the apartment all day long waiting for you to come home and he can call her a bitch and tell her exactly what to do. As for the cooking, we'll leave that to mother. She created this monster after all...and is likely the only person who can stand him.

Jim and Garret said...

I can't believe he mentioned his mother.

Rhyadawn said...

And this is why I stay single! My parents have been married 40 years, and this is basically how my mom is treated day in and out, except that she was the breadwinner in the family. Watching that growing up was enough to make me hate most men!

Havocec said...

I could be a trophy wife if I quit my job. But I can't run 5 k, don't cook very well, not skinny, talk to much, don't have a pool...

I think I'll keep my job.

As was stated by a few other. He most certainly will find a willing participant. Sad.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Maybe someone should send this guy a memo that it is no longer 1950 and woman can do things other than cooking, cleaning, taking abuse, and squeezing out kids. (no offense to the moms out there)

I don't know who's ass I'd like to kick more- this guy or the mother that raised him to be a zit on the arse of society.
Wonder what the hell he's going to do when mommy kicks off and no one will cook meatloaf for him.

Or for that matter, I'd like to kick the spineless bitch that answers this ad and keeps twats like this in business.

Walk On said...

lol Weasle! I don't consider the Lexus comment to be bragging -- largely 'cause I don't think they're all that. ;)

If I'm gonna fuck a man just 'cause of the car he drives, it's gonna be an Aston Martin or a Maybach.... if a guy can't drop six figures on a car, then he doesn't have enough money to "buy" me. He better have personality and manners.

Apartments also don't impress, unless they are in the Trump Tower.

5 bedroom house on 200 acres w/ a 100 stall barn, stablehands to do all the dirty work, and several indoor riding arenas, NOW we are talking.

Actually, it could be a house trailer so long as it had the 200 acres, 100 stall barn, stablehands to do the work and several indoor riding areas.

Hell, it could be a tent at that point.

And I know some of the other horse women on this blog just yelled "hell YA". :D

Horse people have screwed up priorities... speaking as one.

Another day in my life of being happily single. :)

fleeting said...

Walk on...

I give you a HELL YA!

Hell, I'd sleep in a stall. I've groomed and I like falling asleep to the sound of horses eating hay.

jax said...

wow I take one day off for a National holiday and i wake up in 1955.

CaliGirl9 said...

Oh Weasel, you had me at hello! *wink*

Perla's right. I think Steven will find himself a female friend.

My daughter knows a girl who is looking for a guy JUST LIKE THIS. One who will boss her around, let her stay home and cook, and be happy to go on long hikes with him and worship him while sitting at his feet.

Said girl is having trouble paying off her student loans. Steven would be a godsend. Unfortunately he's not in the Bay Area, and "N" isn't relocating anytime soon.

Oh, and "N" is keeping her virginity until she's married. I don't suppose Steven is down with that.

Trainer X said...

All I heard that ad say was Douche Bag ALERT!!!!


www.ihateyourhorse.blogspot.com

Rhyadawn said...

"And I know some of the other horse women on this blog just yelled "hell YA". :D "

Damn right!!!

who needs anything else when you have the farm of your dreams (as if no one has slept in the barn before)

Pipkin said...

Hey, I drove a Lexus, and I own a HOUSE. I think I win the best trophy spouse bait contest!

Lynda said...

OH wait if Weas is taking applications for his Harem count me in! Forget the app I just want to be part of his harem! woohoo.. oh to feel wanted by a real man! LOL

Zwitter said...

Funny thing about them mama's boys...either they feel that the universe revolves around the whims of their soft and easily-bruised egos, OR they secretly yearn for a woman who will spank them and scold them and discipline them. Whatever kind of mother they had (someone who endlessly spoiled them, or someone who was very overbearing and strict), that's just what they want in a wife.

I oughta know.

I also say, I've met trophy wives before and suspect that most did not just magically transform into bitchy materialistic princesses AFTER finding their very own pencil-dicked loser with a six-figure-income. Let 'em have each other.

hersheygirl said...

Ya, walk on, you had my number there too.
Though I'd probaby just live in one of the box stalls rather than the tent - drier that way.
And I almost always smell like a barn anyway...
That way, if I had to take a jackass guy like this to get it, I could stay far away from his pompus ass, with his job that pays "incredibly."
Correct grammar much?

Laura said...

I hate guys like that... I may hate the women who go along with it even more.

Laura said...

weasel I confess, I really really want to know what kind of upbringing brought a man like you in to the world. So many guys fall short of my expectations. They may start off great at first but at the end of the day they have all of these stupid expectations about gender roles... where does it come from? a combination of over mothering and bad porn? Or are they born that way and need to be trained not to be shit heads?

Kokorami said...

"I'm sure we all remember that strange kid with the plastic helmet in second grade that used to spend half his day eating wasps and the other half sticking his tongue in the pencil sharpener."

Oh, how I wish Steven's Mommy would've turned her back on Precious Prince just long enough for him to stick his tongue in the light socket instead.

Ashers--noooooo, he's _perfect_...he farts rainbows and poops golden butterflies; after all, he says so! If you want to kick something inanimate, how's 'bout starting with his brain cells?

Laura--amen. Let's just hope that if he _does_ find a compatible Waste of Human Flesh, that they don't spawn :-p

Weasel--it looks better on you. Given a man with a mind, even a Gremlin can look like a DS. Don't start me on men and the statements they make with their cars, let alone the statements my friends and I make on them.

RebelJubilee said...

After reading this, and many other comments, I've decided that not only is Weasel trying to build a harem he's got probably 68% of his readership doing the virtual crush thing on him.

Weasel you could probably go on tour and get at least a few panties thrown at you without even trying. I give you mad props for that.

robyn said...

Sadly, I think this wanker may be more than able to find a willing participant.
~~~~~~~

Yuh, you said it, perla. Remember the dumb blonde in "An Officer and a Gentleman"?

But they'll deserve each other--there's great satisfaction in that.

Rhyadawn said...

"noooooo, he's _perfect_...he farts rainbows and poops golden butterflies"

ITS THE LOST GYPSY VANNER!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm having a hard time believing this one is real. It hits too many stereotypes in a very short space... it just can't be.

Weasel said...

Anon,

Yeah, I feel you.

Sometimes they really fall on the border- this one I questioned, but I receive a lot like it as evidenced in past entries.

I think its possible some dicktard wrote this specifically just to piss women off and get a response.

Who knows, but yeah, i questioned this one.

Weasel said...

Laura- I'm as big an idiot as the guys on these pages probably- I just don't put it out there for everyone to see.

I'm no pearl with women, but at the same time I at least give them the courtesy of not feeling like I'm entitled to have them and if they say no I call them a bitch.

I think most of the guys on here never developed any social skills, and don't understand that you can't attract a woman to fuck you the same way you can a guy.

You can show a guy a pussy, and he's all over it.

So these guys think if they show a woman a dick, they'll be all over it. 90% of the ads I get are dick shots. They're just too fucking stupid and selfish to take the time to realize it doesn't work that way. In fact, it has the opposite effect.

They don't realize that with a woman, most the time you have to earn it, and it ain't easy.

I would never- fucking never- even enter my mind - even if I wanted to get laid- to post a picture of my dick on the internet and then actually think it would get me laid. How ANY guys think that works is beyond me.

In fact, as soon as I figure it out, I'd like to poll my readers to see if any of them have ever responded to a cock shot personal ad. You know how many I bet will say they have? Zero, and I have thousands of readers. What is that? .0001% might say yes?

But there is still millions of cock shot personals up on boards all over the place. Figure it out you fucking dick flashing idiots.

Why do I do this shitty -ass blog? Well, it gives me a great outlet to write frequently, and this kind of comedy, you have to admit, is pretty easy.

But at the same time, I really am sick of some of these useless fucking twats you and I see every day out there making a bad name for guys that are genuinely good guys and mean well and really care about women.

Women are cautious about guys for a reason- and the reason is all these idiots on WWHM. And the reason is all the idiots I see out at the bars. And because they are such idiots, it makes it all the harder for idiots like me.

Women don't trust men- with good reason.

And on that same note, men shouldn't trust a lot of women- they are just as scandalous as men, only they know how to hide it better.

I'd know, I'm a sucker for the bad girls. The more problems you have, the more I like you. BTW, trying to change that.

Why am I ranting on?

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>We should arrange for our own reality show; we take some of the best 'winners' from here, subject them to our scathing witticisms, real world challenges (like mucking stalls!) and reform them before unleashing them back on the world.
<<

LOVE IT. It'd be like "Queer Eye" except with 5 of us trying to show these guys where they went wrong. I'll volunteer!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>5 bedroom house on 200 acres w/ a 100 stall barn, stablehands to do all the dirty work, and several indoor riding arenas, NOW we are talking.

Actually, it could be a house trailer so long as it had the 200 acres, 100 stall barn, stablehands to do the work and several indoor riding areas.

Hell, it could be a tent at that point.

And I know some of the other horse women on this blog just yelled "hell YA". :D<<

You forgot a big ass crew cab dually and a 7 or 8 horse slant load. Add that in and, seriously, I can be bought. :-)

Mack Truck said...

Weasel, it's too bad I'm way too old for you now.

I was a VERY bad girl in my 20s and 30s. Now, not so much.

Besides, I don't think my SO wants to share for some reason.

Who's going to miss a slice or two out of the middle of the loaf anyway?

Kaitlyn said...

Time to chop his dick off. What a fucking prick, sounds like he wants to be stuck in the 1950s. I'll keep my fat ass on this chair. Thanks, jerk. *sigh* I'm done.

RebelJubilee said...

>>And on that same note, men shouldn't trust a lot of women- they are just as scandalous as men, only they know how to hide it better.<<

Is it that they know how to hide it better or that guys are more likely to ignore signs of instability because they don't have to worry about physical repercussions as much as women do?

Eccentric_Lady said...

Kaitlyn said...

Time to chop his dick off. What a fucking prick, sounds like he wants to be stuck in the 1950s. I'll keep my fat ass on this chair. Thanks, jerk. *sigh* I'm done.

Actually you're off by a big tad - the 50's were horrible, granted, but most of that crap was actually started 'round the 1800's and earlier. Women with depression were often treated for hysteria - too bad the jerks of the day didn't realize THEY were the source for not treating their women like a person....

And derailing that train of thought deliberately here - rant easily on this stuff - um, where was I?

Oh yeah! This idiot is a control freak hellbent on keeping on the 'male superiority' traditions. Which naturally IMO is a load of crap.

Would not be surprise if we hear on the news that he's the latest victim of a Marina Bobbet style crime. =P~

Mack Truck said...

That's Lorena Bobbitt, dear.

I remember the whole scandalous affair very well. Especially the aftermath, when Howard Stern asked John Bobbitt the question we were all dying to know: Since it's been cut off and sewn back on, does it still work?

Apparently yes, since Frankenstein dick did a porno film.

Sheri said...

His mother has a lot to answer for. Poor deluded prick.

Malle said...

Long time lurker, Weasel and I have to say...this is almost as bad as the wet pussy ad >.< I didn't think anything could top that asshat, but you've proven me wrong.

I need to stop coming here. I lose a bit more faith in humanity every time I stop by.

Laura said...

maybe its just because I'm listening to mellow and sad music, but this post doesn't make me angry any more, it makes me sad.

anniebanannie said...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>We should arrange for our own reality show; we take some of the best 'winners' from here, subject them to our scathing witticisms, real world challenges (like mucking stalls!) and reform them before unleashing them back on the world.
<<

LOVE IT. It'd be like "Queer Eye" except with 5 of us trying to show these guys where they went wrong. I'll volunteer!

Me! Me! Pick me! I want play! We could call it "The Kitty Challenge" or something equally as obnoxious.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

I actually feel insulted that the donkey picture is up.
I work with mules and donkeys and other equines, and they have much better manners than this asshole.

Anonymous said...

Weasel said:

Sometimes they really fall on the border- this one I questioned, but I receive a lot like it as evidenced in past entries.

I think its possible some dicktard wrote this specifically just to piss women off and get a response.


That's about the same thought that I had - this particular ad may or may not be the real thing, but we all know that there are guys like that, and we enjoy having a communal laugh at their expense.

Blech. This guy still grosses me out. I've known girls and women who wanted to be stay-at-home moms, but they weren't hung up on money, and not one of them would have given this guy the time of day. Blech. Seriously, blech.

Peggy Archer said...

Count me in for the 'kick this dude in the balls' party.

Or, I can just beat him with a golf club until he learns which year it is.

Anonymous said...

I had (emphasis on "had") a boyfriend like this once. If I made him filet mignon, his Mother stuffed his filet with shrimp. If I made his favorite, fettucine alfredo (from his Mother's recipe), he pouted because I didn't add jumbo lump crabmeat to it (it's what she always did on his birthday). I was beginning to get really pissed off, then he shoved a copy of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition in my face and told me he wanted me to look like the girl on the cover. And that's when I told him to kiss my ass.

I have been happily married for nine years. And my Ex? He's still single and as his buddies put it: "Unlucky in love." Though from reading Steven's personal ad, it sounds like they'd make a great couple!

Anonymous said...

I think it's worth mentioning that I know some pretty cool guys at Duke. It's not just an asshole factory.

IronyMaiden said...

Hmph...'trophy wife'? I wonder when men will give up the notion 'woman=property'.

Anonymous said...

Well, be still my beating clitoris *rolleyes*

Anonymous said...

Why didn't he just say, 'Wanted: Stepford Wife'? Would have been quicker...

Candice said...

I'm attracted and repulsed at the same time. >.<

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