Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Porn Mag Trade

39m do you like pornography?

I'm a guy that really likes to mastrbate to porn mags. I'm jerking off allthe time and am seeking a woman to masterbate with. Do women like to masterbate with porn mags as much as I do? Do you like porn? If you do we should have a jackathon. lol.No sex required but apreicated . Be dirty because I am.Please call Jason @ XXX-XXX-XXXX

Today's award-winning erotic wordsmith Jason wonders whether women utilize pornography during masturbation. The answer is yes, although recent studies have shown that, unlike Jason, women are significantly less likely to masturbate into the open end of a soiled gym sock when doing so.

Men are visual creatures, and our pornographic magazines generally reflect our visual appreciation of the culturally idealized female form. More specifically, they tend to reflect our visual appreciation of the form women might take had two horses been tied to their big toes and frightened in opposite directions. The photos of female genitals and breasts are often accentuated and exaggerated, and sometimes blown up to such a degree that men are unaware whether they are masturbating to a photo of a vagina or the gills of a shark.

Women rely much less on visual stimulation than men to become sexually aroused, which is a relief, as most flaccid penises resemble a tired senior citizen burdened with a heavy sack of cantaloupes.

Rather, women tend to become aroused by a multitude of stimuli simultaneously during masturbation. Very lucky researchers on the topic determined that sensory reactions to sight, sounds, touch, and smell can combine with intense erotic visualizations to propel a female into a frenzied masturbatory state that enables her to experience multiple mind-blowing orgasms. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go have a cigarette. And grab a female-masturbation-researcher job application.

To find women's pornography, one need look no further than the abundance of romantic literature and erotic books and websites available to American women. Where most men visualize a bunch of boring stories about silly shirtless men in capes that ride around the Scottish countryside on horses saying ridiculous things like "I must reunite with Katherine before she marries Marquarht," women see these stories as an opportunity to manifest fantasies that allow them to treat their vaginas like a misbehaving stepchild at a country picnic.

Unfortunately Jason, while research shows that erotic literature and the written word can have an extremely powerful psychological and aphrodisiacal effect on women, men have difficulty masturbating to erotic stories. Men tend to process words, women tend to visualize them.

Which I found out the hard way yesterday when I spent six hours as a straight man trying to masturbate to a brief passage describing the smell of a man's shoulder.

88 comments:

Anonymous said...

"...most flaccid penises resemble a tired senior citizen burdened with a heavy sack of cantaloupes."

Oooh Weasel... I have lurked and read WWHM for many months, and I have to say I absolutely love it. This comment just sent me over the edge!

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, man shoulder. Weas, how do you know women SO WELL???

Weasel said...

Thanks Grace.

Late night, I'm going to bed.

Hey WWHM readers thanks for reading and sending me all your emails and comments, I have the best fans on the internet- I've just been getting deluged with great stuff.

Keep sending me your ideas!

One new idea I'm pondering over is "Guys women should hate", which is basically famous men in history that have had a detrimental effect on women. My first candidate is John Gray, the author of "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus", who led the movement of trying to turning men into a bunch of feminized sissy-girls in the early 90's. You may not agree, but I think there might be some good material there. Plus, that guy was such a meek little weasel.

I'm going to see if I can make it funny, if I can, look for it soon.

Weasel said...

Mary,

Because I have a horny sister who insists on telling me about all her exploits.

Uggh.

Eccentric_Lady said...

ROFL Poor Weasel...

Luckily my four brothers don't tell me every cotton-pickin' detail of their exploits...but heck, growing up with them (and four sisters)made my mom's sanity something of a huge achievement that she still has it!

Garret said...

Are there any pathetic losers that can spell? Does bad spelling go hand in hand? Should early childhood spelling difficulties be indications that your child is doomed?

I hope this guy means "dirty" in a good way.

-Garret-
http://jimandgarret.blogspot.com/

Nosnikta said...

*** women tend to become aroused by a multitude of stimuli simultaneously during masturbation. Very lucky researchers on the topic determined that sensory reactions to sight, sounds, touch, and smell can combine with intense erotic visualizations to propel a female into a frenzied masturbatory state that enables her to experience multiple mind-blowing orgasms ***

Shit... that right there gave me some tingles I wasn't expecting!

DYING at "the smell of a man's shoulder" lol... you tried it didn't you.

Anonymous said...

Weasel - given your way with words, there are oodles of your readers who'd be willing to help with your "issue" lol A little hands on research ;)

Anonymous said...

Weas-

How awful! But then again, maybe I should start sharing more with MY brother if it'll make him as funny and interesting as it's apparently made you!

Poor bastard.

Ms Judgemental said...

Oh dear, I literally laughed out loud at this comment:

"...most flaccid penises resemble a tired senior citizen burdened with a heavy sack of cantaloupes."

My coworkers are now popping out of their offices like the whack-a-mole game.

I do agree that women can get off on scents. The guys I have dated had their own 'scent' to them. One guy's was AWFUL. He didn't last long.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Garrett; it's hard to spell correctly while typing one handed..

jax said...

i always tol fme exbf men are video women are audio. we get off on the sound of sex more than the sight. i read that women get off on thr sound of other women having sex ie. the neighbors....its true for me i know that lol!

that and the smell of good cologne.
no drakkar.

Nosnikta said...

I LOVE DRAKKAR! but not if they are dripping with it. I like sweat, but not B.O. Butt smells? naw

Hyena Overlord said...

"Women rely much less on visual stimulation than men to become sexually aroused, which is a relief, as most flaccid penises resemble a tired senior citizen burdened with a heavy sack of cantaloupes." *LMAO* Weasel, thats hysterical.
---

J&G"
"Are there any pathetic losers that can spell? Does bad spelling go hand in hand?"

The spelling is bad because only one hand is doing the typing.

Or losers think that women are simple twits who can't read properly spelled words.
-------------

I always thought porn for women was any of the shoe buying scenes in SITC or on What Not to Wear. The Chico's and Talbots catalogues are good too.

CaliGirl9 said...

Why do I sense an imminent sex crime coming from this guy?

Hyena Overlord said...

Oh I forgot to add.

One of the girls at work was looking throug a cookbook. She was oohing and awwing over the recipes for squares. At one point she said, and I quote. "If I were a guy I'd have blown my load by now." Thus bringing the title of the whole series of Company's C*ming cookbooks into a whole new light.

Pilar said...

"I must reunite with Katherine before she marries Marquarht,"

Oh dear. Red wine ALL over white shirt and keyboard.
You know us SO well Weasel!

TornadoBaby said...

... this guy even has to ASK?

Definitely gonna be bones and cobwebs in THAT response mailbox...

Anonymous said...

IM SMELLING YOUR SHOULDERS WEASEL

fleeting said...

Weasel, not to say that your recent posts have been sub-par, because they haven't, but seriously, this is one of the best posts you've written in a long time! You flirt with sheer genius here, a wordsmith of the most disturbing and entertaining kind. You are SO right about women visualizing words, and you paint a masterpiece - a gag-inducing, pus-oozing, clammy-handed masterpiece.

I laughed until I cried.

E.A.D. said...

Why oh why are there men who do not realize that porn is neither foreign to women, nor is it ever anything BUT a fantasy? I think dating would be much easier on both sides if more men figured that out sooner rather than later. There'd always be plenty of other fuckups to point and laugh at anyway.

anniebanannie said...

Large muscular men, smiling and doing laundry, vacuuming and playing with the kids... while I take a long, well earned nap. Or go horseback riding. Now that's sexy. Sigh... although this can and has happened, there was none of the "smiling" part.

Anonymous said...

Anniebanannie - yeah. Give me a strong, shirtless guy up to his elbows in dishwater... He doesn't have to be sensitive or any of that, just tell me that it's 'because I love you, babe', and I'll orgasm on the spot. Probably multiple times.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

"...most flaccid penises resemble a tired senior citizen burdened with a heavy sack of cantaloupes."

Truly one of the best lines EVER.

wheelin126 said...

Well you do know that having 2 guys is every woman's fantasy!! Yep one to cook and the other to clean!! Works for me hell you can even throw in a cabana boy for some good old fashioned eye candy!!

StoneWolf99801 said...

wheelin126, dont forget one to clean the litter box & scoop up in the back yard!

Anonymous said...

What Fugly said! I must have repeated that line ("...most flaccid penises resemble a tired senior citizen burdened with a heavy sack of cantaloupes.") 2 dozen times over the past few days! And sent them all to your blog, Weas!

I laughed so hard at this I couldn't even comment til now.. whew!

Anonymous said...

umm women watch porn, we are visual and like hardcore porn, women just dont talk about that because its not socially exceptable to say they just frigged to guy on guy porn for two hours

Anonymous said...

This is an utter load of shit. I'm a woman who LOVES to get off to hardcore porn. Fluffy little stories don't do it for me. I'm so sick of this sexist crap. Keep on perpetuating the sexist myth, assholes.

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Video Box said...

I believe porn industry was also hit by the credit crunch, I remember an article on the front page of yahoo! That porn industry needs some stimuli package too, to keep them going!

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