Thursday, November 20, 2008

Best Oral Sex #3,345,717

Best oral in Las Vegas! -19
Hello ladiez of Las Vegas. Let me introduse myself my name is Kent from summerlin area of Las Vegas. Would you like a night of intense oral plesure? Becase thats what i'm here for just your oral pleasure.Not like most guyz I know where your clit is and will focus on it for hourz strait to totally get you off. I am young and full of cum, redy to lick your clit and gspot, clean only, i will keep you interested. no smelly ugly girls. Kent XXX-XXX-XXXX

WWHM would seriously like to know who's handing out all these oral awards we see in personal ads. "I'm the best in the Mid-Valley!" "Best in Manhattan!" and "Best oral ever!" More importantly, we want to know who is judging all these competitions. With that much stimulation, her pussy must look like a giant bee sting.

Today we meet Kent, a 19 year-old man so confident in his oral abilities that he promises to "keep you interested." Way to set a low bar for yourself, Kent. That's like paying $1000 to a call girl who promises to keep you "semi-hard."

Rustling leaves outside a window can keep a woman "interested" Kent, but to keep her interested in the bedroom you need to look for more subtle signs. If she moans lightly or shifts her hips, that's a good sign you've garnered her interest. Conversely, if she starts vacuuming the foyer while you're going down on her, you may want to sharpen your technique.

Kent plans to "totally get you off" by spending hours focusing directly on your clitoris. Which is kind of like offering a woman a complete home makeover, then just painting the chimney. Think of it like a mosquito bite- it feels really good if someone scratches on it or around it for a little bit, but if you scratch it directly on it for hours on end, someone's going to end up with a fucking 2 X 4 right in the throat.

Perhaps as a testament to the preparation he's putting in to your encounter, Kent has also included a crudely drawn diagram of a vagina inscribed with the words "lick here." I'm not saying it's a cheat sheet, but if he starts peeking at his palms while he goes down on you, feel free whack him in the head with a ruler. A picture may be worth 1,000 words Kent, but in your personal ad a picture is worth two: No thanks.

Words say a mouthful, and the words in your personal ad quiver as they say "Oh God, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing here." Believe me, there's a difference between performing cunnilingus on a woman and eating a bowl of Grape Nuts between her legs. And if you're going to "lick her G-spot", then I need to ask you to please keep at least three feet away from my ice cream cone.

Thanks to Kent however, WWHM plans to produce our own nationwide "Best Oral" competition next year to avoid further confusion in men's personal ads.

That's right folks, get ready for the 2009 Vulvies Awards.

Sponsored by John Deere lawnmowers. (OK, that was pushing it.)

56 comments:

Rhyadawn said...

I LOVE IT!!!

So much truth there! Miss you weas! Come back to us again!!

Weasel said...

Thanks Rhyadawn- I just hit a fucking wall last night and I started over from scratch today.

Rhyadawn said...

hey it happens. writing is tough, its hard to put yourself out there. Thats why my blog is as quiet as it is, I'm a scardy cat.

But we love what you write. Its amusing, and in a sick way does remind us that there might be hope for some men somewhere if one of them can spot the problems. (or at least continue building your harem)

Black Money said...

OMG I would belt someone if they did what this guy says he is going to do!

*Closes legs so tight someone needs a jackhammer to open 'em*

TornadoBaby said...

If you have to advertise a "skill" like this... you're prolly no good at it. If you were, you wouldn't need a personals site...

Weasel said...

Touche.

Karmyn said...

Is the clit really that hard to find? What's so difficult about 'front and center'? It's not going to move around. It hasn't popped around back in all the excitement. (Thanks to Jane from Coupling for that.)
Really, guys, you have to try a little harder if you want to please a woman.

Nosnikta said...

Um, I didn't even read it all before I felt compelled to comment on him LICKING MY G-SPOT????? Is he a fucking ant-eater????

(goes back to finish reading)

Ooooo love the diagram! HA! (where are the ABCs) LMAO

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO!!!!! ice cream cone

ROFLMAOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

He drew the diagram? OMG LMAO.

"Lick Here" (hoo hoo haa haa haa)

..... rolling

Anonymous said...

"2x4 in the throat".

Priceless.

4thehorses said...

Yay Weasel, very good! Nice to have you back!

Ashers said...

Call me picky if you like, but what's with all the Zs ???

Ladiez, guyz, hourz

Learn to spell, you moron !

Whenever someone says they're going to give you "a night on intense oral pleasure" you just KNOW you're going to thinking about mucking out the horse or the cleaning that needs doing...

Brushfire said...

You know what, I don't think I have ever been with a guy that didn't claim he was absolutely fantastic at oral, and whenever the topic is brought up with any of my guy friends, they have the same claim. So it doesn't really surprise me that you find so many of these personal ads.

Never Say Never Greyhounds said...

Ouch! I'm getting sore just thinking about it!

Jen

Havocec said...

That's female anatomy? I thought it was a bug. Then I read the ad, written by someone you'd like to squash like a bug.


Welcome back Weasel!!!

Eccentric_Lady said...

Hilarious.....good grief, when will guys learn us gals don't fall for obviously false advertising? LOL

Good to see you back and your witty humor's got its keen edge. )

Jim and Garret said...

Now see, that's why I'm gay. Gspot this, diagram that. Too complicated. Unfortunately the gay world has its share of terrible personal ads, I'm sure.
Glad to have you back Weasel, you're awesome.

Garret
jimandgarret.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I have to say, if he actually CAN lick the G-spot, well... can I give him a lobotomy and just steal the tongue?

Mary said...

Oh, Weas, what a comeback. SO glad you're back, I missed blowing coffee out my nose every morning when I read WWHM

jax said...

omg if i had a orgasm for every guy who claimed to be a pro...well i'd be satisfied. i am not.

seriously guys, it's not like riding a bike, all women are different. just cuz you found the holy grail with Janet doesn't mean Michelle will like it that way too.

horsegal said...

Yeah!! Weasel is back!!

"With that much stimulation, her pussy must look like a giant bee sting." I just got the best visual on that...

horsegal said...

And Garret, your comment caught me unprepared and I shot water out my nose laughing!

Jim and Garret said...

Horsegal, sorry, nose enemas suck, don't they?

Garret

CaliGirl9 said...

The diagram was most helpful.

When i was taking my prerequisites for nursing classes, I had the unfortunate need to take human anatomy. During the lab portion of the class, the teacher was explaining the external female genitalia as quickly as he could, passing over the clitoris.

My friend Helen remarked loud enough for the class to hear, "What about the clitoris. Mr. M? You forgot about the clitoris. No wonder you are single."

She went on to date him for a short time, and she reported that he indeed did forget the clitoris.

As for Kent, what I want to know is what is the relationship between "oral" and "cum." Is he hoping for a reciprocal favor? 'Cause just ... no. And I don't even want to think of how badly a wet vacuum cleaner hose of a mouth would feel on that area for more than a few seconds. He gives good reason to be a "smelly ugly girl."

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>If you have to advertise a "skill" like this... you're prolly no good at it. If you were, you wouldn't need a personals site...<<

That's my thought every time I hear bragging. If you were that good, you wouldn't have to troll for it on the Internet. You'd have more than you could keep up with already!

TornadoBaby said...

Haha, exactly Fugs....

Floyd said...

Alright, I've done far too many Biology labs when I look at a drawing like that and go he drew a Flatworm!... nooo, that's a piss poor drawing of something else.
http://media-2.web.britannica.com/eb-media/36/73336-003-29AF2F2D.gif is a similarly shaped drawing of something entirely different.
Personally, I'd trust him with a flatworm far more than I'd trust him with clitoris.

Rozie said...

Ok I think I'm getting too damn old.I don't give a shit if he is the best oral sex giver on the planet, which, I somehow doubt or he would be out there doing it instead of posting personal ads.

I just can't get passed the crappy spelling and adding the Z's in there -it makes him sound like a 10 year old kid.

Trainer X said...

OMFG!!! That was soooo great!!! LMAO!!!

www.ihateyourhorse.blogspot.com

Karmyn said...

Here's a tip for you men. When it comes to oral sex, do you want your partner to concentrate on only one spot? No? Women don't either. A bit of variety would be nice.

Sheri said...

I just want to know why he felt the need to include a diagram. Does he think there's a woman out there who doesn't know how to find her own clit? Or does he just want us to know that he's up for some research ? Sounds like the younger guy/older woman fantasy to me.

Calantha said...

Um, I didn't even read it all before I felt compelled to comment on him LICKING MY G-SPOT????? Is he a fucking ant-eater????

LOL!

Why would someone post that image with their ad? Don't they stop to think, "Wait, maybe I shouldn't post this because it will make me look like a pea-brained turkey?"

Brandy said...

Nosnikta, you made me laugh so hard my snake actually woke up and stared at me! Anteater! LOL! SOOOO true!

Hubby said this ad reminded him of Jim Carrey in "Earth Girls are Easy" where he licked the bottom of the glass... I was giggling as I tried to imagine the shape and motion necessary for a tongue to stimulate a G-spot.

Interesting how his cute lil drawing skips a few points of anatomy.... Because there is not urethra on women, you know.

I learned quite young that if an illustration of 'girl parts' did not include the clitoris, then the rest of the data is probably not too accurate as far as general female health data! And that goes for the word in a dictionary!

Since the largest sex organ after the skin is the brain, correctly spelled words go a long way towards 'keeping me interested'. Call me a word nerd....

Are the Vulvies only open to men not in a relationship? I would think the winners would all be taken... Hubby is interested in entering, LOL!

misscali24 said...

foreskin? glans? I thought that he was drawing a penis at first! haha. Maybe he should start with getting the "parts" right first!

Great site... I love it!!

Zwitter said...

And if you're going to "lick her G-spot", then I need to ask you to please keep at least three feet away from my ice cream cone.

This cracked me up like nobody's business XD Well worth the wait for these entries, man.

And yeah, I really only know of one individual who's got a "glans" and "foreskin" as well as a vagina down yonder. It's, uh, not an especially common configuration. Good conversation piece though.

Melody said...

hilarious!!!

Tribblehappy said...

I thought that diagram was just something you found to amuse us along with the ad until you mentioned HE posted it. Good lord, weasel, where do you find these things?

And the ice cream cone imagery is the best!

Libbie said...

A nineteen-year-old is virtually guaranteed to be the worst at oral sex, thankyouverymuch.

Libbie said...

Also, I hate to be terribly pedantic, but the technical term for the clitoral hood and the clitoris itself are indeed "foreskin" and "glans." In embryos it's all the same structure and doesn't begin to develop differently until the right dose of male or female hormones hit.

And I don't think Anteater Boy drew the diagram. So you really think somebody this desperate would know what a vulva (sort of) looks like? Methinks Weasel added it for the lulz.

Weasel said...

Yeah, I don't think he drew it either, but I say so for laughs. I think he clipped it out of a third-grade anatomy textbook or something. The fingers look nice in it.

bad_wolf said...

Yuck! That picture turned me off before I even got to the ad! Sometimes I envy my bf because the guys seem to have it easier when it comes to these things. I'm working on training him but it's not easy.

And I loved the ice cream comment too!

wheelin126 said...

Ashers said...
Call me picky if you like, but what's with all the Zs ???

He got done with licking the A,B,C's and doesn't know what to do now after z so he's kinda stuck there like a broken record...lmao!! Priceless what a major gomer pile!!

LadyDemoniusX said...

Since all the other points I would have made have been fairly well covered (sorry, I came late to the party again), I just have to ask...

Weasel, when are you going to start taking our judges apps for next years Vulvies? =p

Anonymous said...

im a 50yo man , ive been reading this blog with extreme and sadistic glee. i havent been so thoroghly entertained since the first time i heard richard pryor when i was 12. you are hilarious and so, so accurate. myself i was fortunate , when i was 15 , a 35 yo divorcee with a yard that needed mowing provided my sexual education. call it reminiscing , call it bragging, it was the most wonderful experience i could have had. she was country and had no problem with saying exactly what was on her mind. there was no question whether she did or didnt like what you were doin, she would inform you without mercy or sympathy. i stuck with that for 3 years and when i got my first real gf, she was in shock at what i knew and what i could do. she wanted to get married immediately. i ran not walked back to the other one, told her and she laughed til she hurt and told me, '' boy , you need to try that on a bar whore , not a good girl''. i was still learnin and have never stopped learnin. sex is like anything else, men need a good teacher when they are young. if you think education is expensive, try ignorance, it leads to all manner of stupidity like divorce and child support and hard feelins. just thought id leave a note of appreciation for your talent as a writer. read it delete it, post it , i dont care , but thanks

Anonymous said...

You know, if you have to go at it for "hourz", your skills obviously leave something to be desired.

anaceofkidneys said...

Okay, I'm asexual and even I know that the G-spot is on the inside. It's homologous to the prostate. You should be required to actually know what parts girls have before you offer (threaten) to lick them.

Joe Mama said...

I know that it takes a lot more than clitoral stimulation to be a cunning linguist. My wife is a good coach. Focusing only on the man in the boat is sometimes way too intense for her, so I tend to explore other areas and go back there from time to time. It would be like if a woman focused only on the head of the penis during fellatio. It's good for a while but can become too intense, and other areas need attention, too.

But licking G-spots? Unless you're Gene Simmons, I don't think so.

And frankly, I really don't think there are hoards of women starved for oral sex out there.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm just speaking for myself here, but all that shit under the clitoral hood is *extremely* sensitive. Like, painfully sensitive. If some guy tried opening me up like that diagram and "licking here" I'd probably brain him with my jumbo bottle of Swiss Navy lube.

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Phone Sex said...

Men would give better blowjobs and Women would be better with cunnilingus simply because it's just like if they were trying to satisfy themselves. If they were really flexible they already know all the hot spots! Men aren't good at it, women just are more attentive, and they know that part of the anatomy better.

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