SEEKING: ONE PRETTY LADY FOR FANCY NIGHT ON THE TOWN AT APPLEBEES
I HAVE: ONE FIFTY DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE TO APPLEBEES, AMERICA'S FAVOURITE EATERY
YOU HAVE: TITS AND A TWAT
If you're looking for someone to blame for the poor wording in Jim's personal ad, we may want to point an accusing finger towards Applebee's new ill-advised marketing slogan for the Enid area of Northern Oklahoma:
Applebee's: Moistening Enid's Twats Since 1972
Anyway, today we meet Cowboy Jim, a man brave enough to detonate a "twat" bomb in a personal ad, yet still expects to see a piece of what he's referencing after he takes you to Applebee's. And pays with a coupon.
Here's an equation they obviously don't teach in Enid, Oklahoma:
Twat + coupon= hand + lotion.
If you use a coupon to take 100% off her dinner tab on a first date, she's going to counter with a coupon guaranteeing you 100% off of any opportunity of seeing her naked.
I don't know how it works in Enid, Oklahoma, but in Los Angeles taking a woman to Applebee's on a first date might earn me a weak handshake and a fake phone number. Paying with a coupon automatically upgrades me to the "Knee In The Balls" plan, likely accompanied by a simmering pile of excrement on my doorstep.
Enid likely has fewer dining options, 95% of which involve eating off of a wagon wheel, but the dining etiquette remains the same, Jim. Take note: Paying with a coupon on a first date makes you cheap, and to women, cheap has nothing to do with money. Cheap has to do with selfish. Women don't concern themselves with how much you tip in order to determine how much money you make. They do it to see who you are as a person.
There is an absolute, direct correlation between your tip and how many orgasms she's going to experience over the course of your relationship. And that number tonight will be zero for you, and three for her, only after she goes home and fucks the guy that took her to TGI Fridays and paid the full tab and tipped 30%.
Oh, and guys, if you try and hide how much you're tipping when you pay a tab, don't bother. She knows why you're hiding it. You cheap fuck.
Put your cheap dates and anything else in the comments.