Sunday, November 9, 2008

A Night In Enid, Oklahoma

SEEKING: ONE PRETTY LADY FOR FANCY NIGHT ON THE TOWN AT APPLEBEES

I HAVE: ONE FIFTY DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE TO APPLEBEES, AMERICA'S FAVOURITE EATERY

YOU HAVE: TITS AND A TWAT
JIM

If you're looking for someone to blame for the poor wording in Jim's personal ad, we may want to point an accusing finger towards Applebee's new ill-advised marketing slogan for the Enid area of Northern Oklahoma:

Applebee's: Moistening Enid's Twats Since 1972

Anyway, today we meet Cowboy Jim, a man brave enough to detonate a "twat" bomb in a personal ad, yet still expects to see a piece of what he's referencing after he takes you to Applebee's. And pays with a coupon.

Here's an equation they obviously don't teach in Enid, Oklahoma:

Twat + coupon= hand + lotion.

If you use a coupon to take 100% off her dinner tab on a first date, she's going to counter with a coupon guaranteeing you 100% off of any opportunity of seeing her naked.

I don't know how it works in Enid, Oklahoma, but in Los Angeles taking a woman to Applebee's on a first date might earn me a weak handshake and a fake phone number. Paying with a coupon automatically upgrades me to the "Knee In The Balls" plan, likely accompanied by a simmering pile of excrement on my doorstep.

Enid likely has fewer dining options, 95% of which involve eating off of a wagon wheel, but the dining etiquette remains the same, Jim. Take note: Paying with a coupon on a first date makes you cheap, and to women, cheap has nothing to do with money. Cheap has to do with selfish. Women don't concern themselves with how much you tip in order to determine how much money you make. They do it to see who you are as a person.

There is an absolute, direct correlation between your tip and how many orgasms she's going to experience over the course of your relationship. And that number tonight will be zero for you, and three for her, only after she goes home and fucks the guy that took her to TGI Fridays and paid the full tab and tipped 30%.

Oh, and guys, if you try and hide how much you're tipping when you pay a tab, don't bother. She knows why you're hiding it. You cheap fuck.

Put your cheap dates and anything else in the comments.

101 comments:

Rozie said...

Twat + coupon= hand + lotion.
Cheap has to do with selfish. Women don't concern themselves with how much you tip in order to determine how much money you make. They do it to see who you are as a person...

You certainly got that right weasel- It is nice to see that some men aren't totally clueless.LOL.
Now if it was you Weasel with the whole $50 coupon I might think about it :)

nosey said...

Applebee's: Moistening Enid's Twats Since 1972

That is fucking brilliant!!

fleeting said...

My jaw was on the floor for this entire section of today's update. Holy flying monkeys, Batman!

On the upside, while I was down on the floor, I found a penny under my dresser. I still don't think that compensates for the horror of this ad to make it my lucky day...

Tits and a twat... just.... wow. I can't even get over that part. Eventually I wll get around to the horror of an Applebee's gift certificate. But... Ah!

Nosnikta said...

SONOFABITCH! This just reminds me that I TO have an Applebee's gift certificate and could have taken my hubby out for his b-day last Saturday!

HELL! He has a a tongue and a dick... I coulda got lucky!

(stomps around whacking herself in the forehead for being so stooooooopid)

Nosnikta said...

Good lord, every time I type something today, I find a typo. Maybe I AM drunk this morning.

(slinks back to work)

Bellesouth said...

Fancy night on the town at Crapplebee's. Must not eat or drink more than 25 bucks worth.

I bring my tits and my twat and I'm ready for eatin' good in the neighborhood!

I wonder if later on, the guy will offer to shave my twat if I shave his sheep.

Anonymous said...

my new fav.

Ashers said...

AAAAAUUURRRRGH !!!

**runs away to the furthest point from Oklahoma, which as she's in the UK is probably in India??**

Anonymous said...

Can you imagine sitting across the table from this guy in the restaurant, calculating the cost of your meal to make sure you don't go over your half of the gift certificate? Yeah, that makes me all hot and bothered and thinking, "Oooh, I can't wait to get into his pants!!"

Lynda said...

Weasel you have to go to Oklahoma some day! Work sends me to Oklahoma City quite often for training as our academy is there at the airport. Try to find a grocery store in Oklahoma City.... they are few and far between. In OKC they have a gazillion restaurants and everyone eats out.

Yes I also travel out of the grand city of Oklahoma and see the rest of it. I have friends out there but its a very different world than here in New Hampshire. Oh and we have several grocery stores here in NH.

Interesting statistic for you about Oklahoma. A few years ago they had the highest divorce rate.... maybe now we know why...

Anonymous said...

Dear Lord!! That ad was horrible!! What kind of a guy thinks that he's gonna get someone using language like that? It has to be a fake...I've met many an Okie, and never one so obnoxious as that!!!!

CaliGirl9 said...

I hear the name Applebees, I think of Ricky Bobby and his family out for a night on the town … ("Talladega Nights," ya’ all!)

I am certain the right kind of woman responded to this one: quite rotund, toothless, and clad in a form-fitting three-sizes-too-small spandex mini dress. Or too-tight Walmart muffin-waisted jeans and a belly-baring t-shirt. And I’m sure she ate more than her fair share of that $50 gift certificate, leaving Jim with little more than a measly dinner salad and a glass of tap water.

(Doesn’t the “lady” on a meal-based date order first? That's what I learned from watching "Fast Times at Ridgemont High.")

Bet the results of this date end up a couple on “My Big Redneck Wedding,” and that the couple wears camouflage for their special day.

Karma said...

Maybe he will get a nice old bag lady (homeless person) to answer his ad .....then again even a bag lady would not be that desperate for a feed.

Floyd said...

I'm thinking ol Cowboy Jim here has had dates with Tits and Dick if he has to specify body parts as a requirement.

Still, I think he's managed to lower the bar here at WWHM, and that takes some doing...

Anonymous said...

twat aye.
ahahah thats awesome, you guys have some terrific slang in america!

as you asked for a cheap date story wease... i once was seeing this farmer who, after having simultaneously locked himself inside, and me outside his MOTHERS car and set off the car alarm, paid for dinner with his spare change.

millie

Karmyn said...

If those are his only requirements, then he should check out Adam and Eve. They have a lovely replica of Jenna Jameson's anatomy, including breasts. I don't even want to begin to think why someone would want just a replica of someone's breasts. I mean, it's a replica of something that's already fake.
But I'm sure it would serve our friend Cowboy Jim very well. He won't even have to feed his date. But then the real Jenna Jameson doesn't eat, either.

water_bearer said...

Oh Millie, that goes in the "Dates from Hell" hall of shame for sure.
And "twat"? Really??? I haven't heard "twat" in a long time.
Brilliant writing as always, Weasel.

Andi said...

Hahahaha...what did I say yesterday? It still stands!!!!

Calantha said...

You know, I don't really mind the idea of using a coupon to pay for dinner - just, not on the first date. Hell if you're that strapped for money, might as well bring food from home and do it picnic-style.

Is it bad that I imagined this guy with yellowed teeth and a piece of hay in his mouth behind the big white square over his face? It pains me to think that he's not that bad-looking at all but the way the ad is worded, makes him sound like an idiot.

Pipkin said...

And you know about those shiny belt buckles, right? They're tombstones, doncha know? The bigger it is, the longer it's been dead.

Havocec said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Havocec said...

what pipkin said was freaking hilarious...

and theres this from Grace under Fire.
"Never date a man who's belt buckle is bigger then his head..."

On the other hand I was offered a meal coupon if I would give up one of our courier bags. But having read WWHM before I went to work, I knew the offer of a meal was a trick.

Anonymous said...

Of course you found a gem in Enid. Unfortunately, attitudes towards women here in Enid and surrounding areas belong in the dark ages. I had my first (and more) experience with sexism here. Women in college are only there for their MRS degree. Women working are not really working, their annoying. Etc.

I wish you would unblock his face. I might recognize him. But really I have nothing to say to him. Just nice to know who the jerks are.

There really are better things to do in Enid than Applebees.

Anonymous said...

Hey, my first date took me to an Applebee's. And to a really second-rate vampire movie sequel.

But he was a broke college kid who I'd been crushing on for more than a year, and he had honestly missed the subtle distinction between 'action movies' (which I love) and 'vampire movies' (not so much). And he paid for the meal, and tipped very well. And didn't expect physical favors. We've been together for three years now, and I put the wedding invitations in the mail this morning.

Fhtrkstr101 said...

God. This is just like the epitamy of the stereotype isnt it?

Lynda... Your from NH? No way.

Lynda said...

Ya way! Im from Cow Hampshire.... LOL

Lynda said...

I live up in Concord and commute to Nashua. I see you live in the big city of Nashua.

Weasel said...

WWHM- Uniting New Hampshire- er's since 1962.

New Hampshireites?
New Hampshirers?
New Hampshirettes?
Hampheads?

Anonymous said...

Makes me glad I moved out of Oklahoma when I was 14.

And to Lynda, who left the comment 'in OKC everyone eats out". You might want to re-think that. Oklahoma is considered is considered the bible belt. You wouldn't want to cause a stampede of women to move to Oklahoma when that sort of stuff my still be considered illegal. Or it was a poorly constructed sentence. Not sure which. ;-)

Lynda said...

Well Oklahoma might be in the Bible Belt but the little info that OKC doesnt want out is its the Belt Buckle of the Bible Belt. They host gay conventions there. I know this from a friend who's gay and has participated in such conventions there.

In Oklahoma City you can go to the Titty bar and when you get sick of those you can get some religion at the church across the street... and when you're sick of religion just walk back across to sin...

Which really blows my mind... here they are 'holier than thou' attitudes and there's more porn there in the south and so called Bible Belt. We have very few bars here and fewer strip clubs.. but I guess we are the heathens of the north...

You cant throw a stone in OKC with out hitting a restaurant...

Peggy Archer said...

Is there an Applebee's in Los Angeles?

I don't think so - so at least we here in LA don't have to worry about this particular flavor of horror.

We do have to worry about 'producers' who take us out and then inform us that they've 'forgotten' the credit cards at home.

robyn said...

New Hampshireites?
New Hampshirers?
New Hampshirettes?
Hampheads?
~~~~~~~

Best what-are-the-state-residents-called that I've ever heard was from my Minnesotan ex-sister-in-law, re: people from Iowa. She called them "Iowegians."

I liked that one.

Sheri said...

You have to love a man of few words. Direct, to the point and able to sum up his best qualities in one sentence.

I guess he has more interaction with animals than he does with humans. Maybe his cow will take him up on his offer.

Anonymous said...

Being from Oklahoma, and having family from/in Enid I feel I must defend my state's honor by informing everyone who is offended by the large amount of restaurants in OK that this is a very, very good thing.

Have any of ya'll actually EATEN good ol' country cooking? The crap they serve at McDonald's has less lard in it. Not to say that it is not delicious, but by eating at restaurants the populous of OK has managed to prevent its self from being obese and dying from heart attacks at the age of 40.

That being said, there really ARE a lot of nice guys in Oklahoma and believe it or not in Enid as well. I have found more assholes in Missouri than I have ever found back home.

Weasel said...

Iowegians- thats fucking hilarious.

Yeah, no offense to Oklahomans.

Weasel said...

It was either that or Guymon.

Firecracker. said...

One of my dates asked me to pick a restaurant. I live in the city and I am close to Inman Park, So I chose "Sotto Sotto". He opened the menu and said "we can eat twice the food for half the money if we 'd gone to Macaroni Grill"...
Well, I know that, but oh boy, "quality over Quatity".

OutRiding01 said...

I went to dinner once with a guy (friend) who told me he never tipped. He didn't see the point of paying someone for a job they were already being paid for. It wasn't his responsibility. Having been a waitress myself, I was very displease. He actually earned himself a kick in the balls from me that night. Boy did that feel good....

lamexicanita said...

Twat + coupon= hand + lotion. I beg to differ.

Tits + twat + coupon= hand + rubber glove. No lotion, possibly some poison ivy.

Or better yet, twat + coupon= stiletto + solar plexus. Hard. Lucky for him that I wasn't his date (he probably ended up going out with a sheep), or it would have been a LONG time before he could get off to National Geographic.

To his credit, not all Oklahoman guys are so disgraceful. Some are worse. Some are better. But I have yet to find a $200 dollar restaurant out here.

The Zebra said...

Applebees is the shit.

Oklahoma is a joke.

(for anyone bored enough to check out a new blog - http://thezebrachronicle.blogspot.com/ )

Anastasia said...

I have worked as a waitress and have too much respect to have anything to do with people who don't tip generously. If my company doesn't tip 20%, I will make up the difference with my money, and then make up the lack of sex with my vibrator.

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IronyMaiden said...

Twat + coupon= hand + lotion

well said, Weasel :D I just love this and wonder what would become of the guys if you were their maths teacher :P

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Anonymous said...

You shouldn't be out eating on a first date you fat bastards. A date is how you are supposed to be getting to know each other. How do you do that with your mouth stuffed. Just like a movie. You can't even talk in there. There is no woman worth a $2oo meal.

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Anonymous said...

You can make fun of Enid women. Enid women laugh at it , when they are the joke! Meth heads

Anonymous said...

applebees came to enid in the 90's. Not brilliant nosey. You are probably a dumb enid redneck too that has no sense of reality. Fuckin morons in that town. YES I LIVE THERE! IT IS THE SHITTIEST PLACE EVER!

kycowillingham said...

I'm from Enid. I'm not a meth head. I don't think that generalizing an entire town and it's women is fair. Most of us are hard working. Some of us are moms. Is it the best town in the US? No. It's not even the best in the state. But come on, it's easy to make fun of a town and a group of people based on an idiots personal ad.

And we have a handful of awesome restaurants and I don't think that I have ever eaten anything off of a wagon wheel. We've got a nice community theater, wonderful symphonic orchestra, museums and a small town feel without sacrificing convenience. It's not that bad.

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