Sunday, November 30, 2008
Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes by Paul Photenhauer
If you thought finding a fly in your soup was bad, imagine a waiter unzipping his fly just above your soup to complete the dish.
“Excuse me miss,” the waiter might inquire, “but it really might help me if you briefly address me as your “dirty whore of a waiter."
Paul Photenhauer offers us his unique perspective on dietary protein enrichment in his new book Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. “Like fine wines and cheeses," he says, "the taste of semen is complex and dynamic.” Perhaps one might describe semen this way when surrounded by fine linens and a string quartet, but most women are more familiar with the type of semen ingested in the back seat of a '84 Jetta. Bleachy and acidic, it tastes more like something they might use to buff an aluminum kettle.
Mr. Photenhauer argues that semen is simply an acquired taste. "Some tend to dismiss semen as food and describe it as bitter or salty. This is similar to a person who tastes wine for the first time and says it tastes sour." Oh whatever, you big uppity cum snob. Last time I checked, women dismissed semen as a food source because it shot piping hot out of a penis and smelled like something you'd find on your shoe after a 7 hour aquarium tour. A topping for flan? It's supposed to evolve into an infant. Do you sprinkle babies on your lasagne?
Most recipes call for fresh semen, but some recipes such as the Creamy Cum Crepes require copious amounts of ejaculate to attain that finely nuanced jizz flavor we all appreciate from childhood. Since the taste quickly deteriorates, Mr. Photenhauer suggests freezing several days worth of semen in the refrigerator. WWHM concurs, but suggests you store them opposite the ice cubes. There's nothing worse than catching your grandmother sipping a Crown on the rocks only to proclaim "This tastes like my goddamn honeymoon."
Natural Harvest contains 60 full pages of semen recipes, most of which are stuck together like the pages of a 1984 Penthouse at an all-boys summer church camp. The straight edition comes with a centerfold of Rachel Ray nude, and the gay edition comes with a centerfold featuring a beautiful sectional couch surrounded by several lovely New Hampshire antiques. And Rachel Ray nude.
While the website boasts the book measures 9" by 7", it arrived measuring only 5" by 3". The postman apologized and said "it was really, really cold outside."
If you'd like to see the actual book and read some hilarious commentary, please visit here.
If you'd like to peruse the first 20 pages, including recipes and a lovely photograph of spermed oysters, please click here.
Please link to the National Harvest Cookbook through WWHM to help spread the word, and we'll be back tomorrow to present you with more pathetic WWHM personal ads!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
• No baggage!!,-- that includes any kids, ex-boyfriends, or clingy, jealous girlfriends
• No history of substance abuse, drugs and alcohol -- Addicts and "recovering addicts" need not reply
• Vegans -- may God bless you, but I am not interested in dating picky eaters
• To those who self-identify as "Christian", I can read the Old Testament in the original Aramaic and the New Testament in the original Koine Greek. I myself am Manichean and a member of a Gnostic group.
Here is a list of the characteristics I am searching for in a woman
• must know one European language other than English, Spanish, and Portuguese
• minimum educational level is a Masters degree or, at least, currently working towards earning a MA, MPhil, PhD, or DPhil
• Maybeck or Wright?
• I only dance to World Beat music e.g. Persian techno, House music from Turkey, sufi ragas from Afghanistan, latest pop from Cameroon.
• There is a difference between Jackie Collins and Wilkie Collins. If you do not know who the latter is, then find another personal ad.
-Do you know the difference between Keynesianism and Friedman's model?
• Alexander Hamilton or Thomas Jefferson?
• Concerning sex: read Reich's The Function of the Orgasm
I am working towards a PhD.
Thank you for reading. Have a pleasant day. Philipe
Know-it-all Philipe (pronounced insufferable-bore) has placed a personal ad specifically seeking a non-vegan Manichean French-speaking Wilkie Collins fanatic with a PhD in Afghani history. In addition, your vagina must smell like fresh Algonquian tree sap.
While many men feel women adopt impossible-to-meet standards for their dating candidates, Philipe has effectively trumped women by listing a set of ridiculous standards that are not only stringent, but have absolutley nothing to do with a relationship whatsoever. It's like selecting a car based on the mating habits of Brazilian tree sloths. What's the difference between Keynesianism and Friedman's model of economics? The difference is you're never getting a blowjob.
Women generally find wildly intelligent men very attractive, but when intelligence overshadows any sense of humility, you've officially crossed into the territory of the pompous, arrogant ass. Philipe crossed into that territory, and subsequently bored the inhabitants with World Music until they stabbed themselves. “There is a difference between Jackie Collins and Wilkie Collins. If you do not know who the latter is, then find another personal ad.” And he wonders why his penis smells like an unearthed mummy.
Philipe holds the weighty erotic appeal of an impotent meerkat with chronic back acne. His ad invokes Wilhelm Reich's The Function of the Orgasm to tantalize you with what forthcometh sexually. Let me describe the manual via Amazon: “An exploration of sexuality relating to the importance of human life and it's relevance in understanding the social problems of our time.” If you want to get yourself really juicy, you can read that and a bus schedule.
Translate that riveting manuscript into the bedroom, and you have all the sexual electricity of an undercooked ham. Him, the superior being, fucking you, the inferior dolt. He ejaculates, and then burns your People magazines.
One thing you certainly won't have to worry about with Philipe?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I am The Vagina Whisperer, a vagina virtuoso with over twenty years under my belt of coaxing deep, fulfilling orgasms out of perturbed, unfulfilled and inexperienced vaginas. A skilled artisan, I have soothed angst ridden vaginas, and coaxed into deep, florid orgasm some of the most determined and obstinate vaginas that ever graced the earth.
Bring me your weary, mishandled or neglected vagina. Permit me to nurse coddle and cajole it back into its original form and glory. Don't you miss the days when your vagina had repeated daily use? Remember when it was toned, and moist and ready to ride at a moment's notice? Vaginas are mankind's greatest treasure. Don't let yours go to waste! TomE
A “horse whisperer” utilizes various methods of modern equine psychology to train and rehabilitate disturbed horses. Tom "The Vagina Whisperer" meekly attempts to correlate this horse-healing ideology to women, not realizing that a vagina isn't going to dance around like a little circus monkey for a sugar cube. Believe me Tom, if it only took sugar to open a woman's legs I'd bathe myself in waffle syrup and dress in a nougat suit.
Horses and vaginas are completely different creatures Tom, so don't compare the two. One is an animal in and of itself; it has its own feelings, moods and desires. Although sometimes it relishes human interaction and affection and enjoys getting saddled up for a great ride, we must remember at heart it's just a wild animal. The other one lives in a barn.
Tom takes the worst possible approach to attract a woman; he treats your vagina as though it were some sort of troubled autonomous nation-state with a self-esteem problem. The vagina isn't the problem Tom; the problem is the endless line of impotent, inexperienced assclowns that think spending 10 minutes with a thesaurus and some nifty word trickery will get them a day pass into the Ovarian Institute. Pussy is an exclusive Hollywood nightclub Tom, and you're Bill Gates in a Thriller t-shirt and a Member's Only jacket standing outside the velvet ropes with a bag of glowsticks and a hula hoop wishing you knew what it felt like to be inside.
Your ridiculous personal ad instantly and completely negates your claim that you have nearly twenty years experience resurrecting neglected and weary vaginas, because in just two paragraphs you managed to bore 10,000 vaginas to death. You might think your ad is clever, but I haven't seen this many collective vaginas yawn since erectile dysfunction became hip.
WWHM readers frequently note the strong correlation between the illiteracy of a person posting a personal ad and the stupidity of the content of the ad. Tom completely destroys this theory in that not only is his personal ad the most literate ad we've ever posted on WWHM, but it simultaneously qualifies as one of the stupidest personal ads we've ever run. It's almost as if all the stupid in his head miraculously drained into his balls right before he put feather to parchment.
But as all women know, if balls were IQ points, then ......... well I think that joke just kind of finishes itself, doesn't it?
All my life I have been dating beautiful women, meaningful relationships mind you. I know I am a great man, I know this, but obviously you don't, and that's a shame. There is not another man out there in his 20's that would treat you better, treat you with more respect, or satisfy you better. So, this is my final good bye. Good bye meaningless online advertisements. Goodbye women that have blown me off, when in all reality, yeah, I was giving you a chance. I would have been your last, first kiss. A kiss that holds so much passion that you cannot hold your emotions. A kiss so authentic, you will not understand, because you are used to so much less. A kiss so heart felt, that your feet will tingle. Too bad, it could have been life altering. Too bad
It's like watching a sad, desperate birthday clown threatening to leave a children's party because none of the kids like the bowl of steamed brussel sprouts he contributed.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Men love weddings too. Beer is free, you can bang the bridesmaids whose loins are quivering like a bunch of hairless cats in Fairbanks, and it's perfectly acceptable to pass out in a patch of church shrubs with a ham sandwich on your face and a gallon of ranch dressing in your tux shirt. Just another day in paradise.
When weddings go wrong though, 95% of the time it's the drunk guys fault.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I'm a guy that really likes to mastrbate to porn mags. I'm jerking off allthe time and am seeking a woman to masterbate with. Do women like to masterbate with porn mags as much as I do? Do you like porn? If you do we should have a jackathon. lol.No sex required but apreicated . Be dirty because I am.Please call Jason @ XXX-XXX-XXXX
Today's award-winning erotic wordsmith Jason wonders whether women utilize pornography during masturbation. The answer is yes, although recent studies have shown that, unlike Jason, women are significantly less likely to masturbate into the open end of a soiled gym sock when doing so.
Men are visual creatures, and our pornographic magazines generally reflect our visual appreciation of the culturally idealized female form. More specifically, they tend to reflect our visual appreciation of the form women might take had two horses been tied to their big toes and frightened in opposite directions. The photos of female genitals and breasts are often accentuated and exaggerated, and sometimes blown up to such a degree that men are unaware whether they are masturbating to a photo of a vagina or the gills of a shark.
Women rely much less on visual stimulation than men to become sexually aroused, which is a relief, as most flaccid penises resemble a tired senior citizen burdened with a heavy sack of cantaloupes.
Rather, women tend to become aroused by a multitude of stimuli simultaneously during masturbation. Very lucky researchers on the topic determined that sensory reactions to sight, sounds, touch, and smell can combine with intense erotic visualizations to propel a female into a frenzied masturbatory state that enables her to experience multiple mind-blowing orgasms. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go have a cigarette. And grab a female-masturbation-researcher job application.
To find women's pornography, one need look no further than the abundance of romantic literature and erotic books and websites available to American women. Where most men visualize a bunch of boring stories about silly shirtless men in capes that ride around the Scottish countryside on horses saying ridiculous things like "I must reunite with Katherine before she marries Marquarht," women see these stories as an opportunity to manifest fantasies that allow them to treat their vaginas like a misbehaving stepchild at a country picnic.
Unfortunately Jason, while research shows that erotic literature and the written word can have an extremely powerful psychological and aphrodisiacal effect on women, men have difficulty masturbating to erotic stories. Men tend to process words, women tend to visualize them.
Which I found out the hard way yesterday when I spent six hours as a straight man trying to masturbate to a brief passage describing the smell of a man's shoulder.
Hello ladiez of Las Vegas. Let me introduse myself my name is Kent from summerlin area of Las Vegas. Would you like a night of intense oral plesure? Becase thats what i'm here for just your oral pleasure.Not like most guyz I know where your clit is and will focus on it for hourz strait to totally get you off. I am young and full of cum, redy to lick your clit and gspot, clean only, i will keep you interested. no smelly ugly girls. Kent XXX-XXX-XXXX
WWHM would seriously like to know who's handing out all these oral awards we see in personal ads. "I'm the best in the Mid-Valley!" "Best in Manhattan!" and "Best oral ever!" More importantly, we want to know who is judging all these competitions. With that much stimulation, her pussy must look like a giant bee sting.
Today we meet Kent, a 19 year-old man so confident in his oral abilities that he promises to "keep you interested." Way to set a low bar for yourself, Kent. That's like paying $1000 to a call girl who promises to keep you "semi-hard."
Rustling leaves outside a window can keep a woman "interested" Kent, but to keep her interested in the bedroom you need to look for more subtle signs. If she moans lightly or shifts her hips, that's a good sign you've garnered her interest. Conversely, if she starts vacuuming the foyer while you're going down on her, you may want to sharpen your technique.
Kent plans to "totally get you off" by spending hours focusing directly on your clitoris. Which is kind of like offering a woman a complete home makeover, then just painting the chimney. Think of it like a mosquito bite- it feels really good if someone scratches on it or around it for a little bit, but if you scratch it directly on it for hours on end, someone's going to end up with a fucking 2 X 4 right in the throat.
Perhaps as a testament to the preparation he's putting in to your encounter, Kent has also included a crudely drawn diagram of a vagina inscribed with the words "lick here." I'm not saying it's a cheat sheet, but if he starts peeking at his palms while he goes down on you, feel free whack him in the head with a ruler. A picture may be worth 1,000 words Kent, but in your personal ad a picture is worth two: No thanks.
Words say a mouthful, and the words in your personal ad quiver as they say "Oh God, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing here." Believe me, there's a difference between performing cunnilingus on a woman and eating a bowl of Grape Nuts between her legs. And if you're going to "lick her G-spot", then I need to ask you to please keep at least three feet away from my ice cream cone.
Thanks to Kent however, WWHM plans to produce our own nationwide "Best Oral" competition next year to avoid further confusion in men's personal ads.
That's right folks, get ready for the 2009 Vulvies Awards.
Sponsored by John Deere lawnmowers. (OK, that was pushing it.)
I desire to find you now. I am about to give up soooo much just to meet you and take a chance on true love-not mediocre love that is way too common. I have shed tears every time I read a romantic greeting card because I do not have someone to tell those beautiful things to- i feel like crying. The next lady to connect with me will be the happiest lady on the planet - Tim
Women are genetically predisposed to seek out aggressive, unpredictable and dominant males. To attract females, men must exhibit a kill-or-be-killed mentality, show absolutely no fear in the face of incredible danger, and must prove they have an innate ability to protect you in the most harrowing of situations. Men that successfully project this Herculean image are regularly rewarded with countless 3am trips to your apartment because "you thought you saw a moth."
But sometimes we find guys like Tim, who instead presents himself as a blubbering, impotent pantywaist soaking the aisles of Rite-Aid with tears after reading a romantic Hallmark haiku. I'm not calling him a pussy, but if he cuts himself, I'm grabbing a maxi-pad in Aisle 6.
So if a man knew he had to project an image of confidence and strength to attract a woman, why would he post a personal ad that implies he posts muffin recipes on his refrigerator and shaves his pubic hair into a heart shape?
Because he's an idiot.
After years of women complaining about the "emotional unavailability of men,” Tim has neglected his bravado and chosen the sneaky back-door tactic of displaying his emotional vulnerability up front in hopes of attracting a woman, not realizing that when women say they desire emotional vulnerability in men they mean they want it in men they are already dating. So, essentially, he's putting the cart in front of the horse's ass.
What that means, Tim, is women don't want you to admit you're a whining, soft-cocked, bird-fearing sissy boy before they date you. So instead of coming off as a sensitive man in your personal ad, you come off as the type of guy who hides behind a blind Girl Scout in a wheelchair every time a dog barks.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Our country collectively shit its pants several years ago when Janet Jackson's nipple popped out of her stage costume for one second during the Superbowl, and people literally lined up to sue her for emotional distress. Are you fucking kidding me?
Meanwhile, I was living on Bondi Beach in Sydney at the time, and there wasn't a bikini top in sight. How 13 year-old boys go to the beach in Australia without adding a right angle to their abdomens is beyond me.
But thanks to the many fundamentalist Christian conservatives who somehow get to dictate what the moral values of U.S. citizens should be, we would never be able to see great commercials like this on our televisions. What's wrong with it? Absolutely nothing. It's a great commercial.
But if the U.S. fundamentalist Christian conservatives saw this Australian ad on American television, can you imagine the uproar? They'd drop their abortion clinic bombing instructions right into the holy water they were planning to throw on gay people.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
We'd like to welcome all our newcomers from Facebook, LiveJournal, Ravelry.com, the Sydney Morning Herald and the E! Channel. Please note WWHM is NSFW, and deals with a mature subject matter in an immature manner. If you can laugh at human sexuality, you've found a great resource.
If you can't, please visit this wonderfully insightful page about penguins. Not only are they cute, but they taste wonderful on toast.
And remember, always wash your hands after reading WWHM.
Have a great weekend people! - The Weasel.
18male looking for an older woman to fuck. Will please you until your whole body is tingling and you can't walk. I will fuck you like no other man can. Don't be scared! Email me and I can send you tons of picture any kind you want. You would have to have a place. Call Scott at XXX-XXX-XXXX.
Sending an 18 year-old boy to satiate the sexual appetite of a woman in her libidinous prime is like sending an aloof zookeeper into the polar bear exhibit at dinner time with half a sardine served in a decorative teacup. You're going to end up with a pissed off animal Scott, and you should be scared. Never write a horny woman checks that your penis can't cash.
Little boys like Scott don't realize women reach their sexual peak in their late 30's and early 40's. She no longer views her reproductive organs as a delicate and fertile flower; now it's a Battle Cage designed solely to deliver her mind-shaking orgasms. If you dare step into her war zone armed with "The Alphabet Technique" and a Planned Parenthood pamphlet tutorial of the G-spot you downloaded at the local community center, she's going to send you home in a body bag with a pee stain.
Conversely, 18 year-old men are also at their sexual peak. In a cruel act of nature which I'm sure God plans to someday post on YouTube, these boys need an OnStar service representative just to find the nearest erogenous zone. He thinks he's getting you off by going down on you; you wonder why it feels like he's gnawing on walnuts during oral sex. Combine the two and you've got a mature woman who knows exactly what she wants, and a young boy that doesn't have a clue how to give it to her.
Most young guns like Scott have been having sex for a couple years and figure they've got this whole "woman" thing figured out. Like most young men, he aggressively humps a 17 year-old girl like he's trying to smash a spider in her womb, and the girl has no clue she's experiencing bad sex. When and if she has an orgasm, she might whimper like she failed a calculus quiz, but he feels like he's done his job.
A mature woman on the other hand owns her sexuality. She knows how she wants to get fucked, where, when and how often. She doesn't want a whimpering orgasm, she wants to eat a bedpost. She wants you to fuck her perm straight.
Although you have the gift of unending stamina, I doubt an inexperienced teen's entry-level movie-theater mop closet moves will make her whole body tingle, and I'm pretty sure she'll be able to walk after you're done with her. In fact, she'll probably walk right to her dresser drawer to get her vibrator. And it's not for her.
Bend over, Scott. Welcome to the jungle.
Here's the original post, along with the stupid rookie commentary I left back when WWHM wore diapers.
I'd call this guy a horse's ass, but I have more respect for the actual anus of a horse than I do for this guy. And the last thing I want is another horse anus upset with me. (Um....long story.)
Anyway, at least a horse's anus has an excuse for spouting shit as horrible as this. That's because the horse anus has one job and one job only: to release shit.
"I'm not a jazzercise instructor, I'm a horse anus, " the horse anus might say.
Good point, horse anus.
This guy on the other hand, has NO excuse for the shit he spouts.
Two words: Restraining. Order.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
But to keep you hungry ladies off my back, I'm going to let you have sex with this handsome guy until my next post. Is he hot or what? I bet just looking at him makes you feel like you're sitting on a George Foreman grill.
Too bad he's hung like a sterilized tse-tse fly.
A couple pointers before you have sex him:
1. To properly remove self-tanner from your sheets, use three parts Shout It Out! and two parts Sherwin-Williams industrial grade barn paint.
2. Please note this guy is so pumped full of cow steroids he actually ejaculates tender strips of Kobe beef. Grab some A1 Sauce.
3. When he comes, he sounds like a little girl at a High School Musical screening. Stick a lipstick-absorbent sweatsock in his mouth.
4. He's balding, so he hasn't removed his stylish hat in 2 years. If you remove it, prepare to smell an open grave.
Have fun, and try to resist flossing your gums mid-coitus.
Congratulations to Old Cock for making the WWHM Hall Of Shame! Read it again right now if you haven't eaten in the past 12 hours (CAUTION NSFW!). And as the author of WWHM, I'm automatically granting Cock Talk immediate Hall of Shame status, simply because it's the most ridiculous ad I've ever encountered in 4 months at WWHM. Email your nominations to WWHM- I keep track!
Lastly ladies, do you have an important decision to make with your significant other in the near future? Tell him your stance, and then just show him your breasts. Why? Because it disables their ability to make a rational decision. And science now proves it.
Wow, I'm glad it took "science" to figure that one out. What's next? "Science proves guys want to fuck all the time."
(Image courtesy of HCwDB)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Hello ladies, a little bit about myself. I graduated from Duke University a couple years ago. I have a great job which pays incredibly, a Lexus, and an apartment which is filling out very nicely. I've been wanting to buy a house, but there is one thing missing, my thin, beautiful trophy wife on my arm. You should be athletic (I run five miles every day, rain or shine) and your fat ass will not be sitting on the couch. You should be intelligent enough to hold a conversation in polite company, but know your place, and when it is appropriate to speak. You should know how to cook, because I am tired of ordering in, and going out every night. My mom has already said that she'd be happy to show you how to cook some of my favorite meals. You can be college educated, however you won't be working anyhow, so I don't see how it matters. Unless of course you studied home-making. Be sure to send a full body photo of yourself, clothing optional. *wink* Steven
I'm sure we all remember that strange kid with the plastic helmet in second grade that used to spend half his day eating wasps and the other half sticking his tongue in the pencil sharpener. Tempered brilliance tends to manifest itself in a bizarre fashion with youngsters, so most of these kids actually end up as mildly successful adults just like Steven did.
Mothers excessively coddle these disturbed youths however, and as a result they tend to grow into adulthood with a bloated sense of entitlement, especially in regards to women. That's unfortunate, because Steven sincerely believes he's an irresistable catch for any woman, despite the fact that just up until last year he couldn't shit properly without wearing a blue cape that said "I'm Mommy's Favorite Sooper Pooper" in pink stitching. He continues, however, to make tractor noises when he wipes.
So as expected, Steven has done quite well for himself. He graduated from Duke University and found himself in a high-paying job. So high-paying in fact, that not only has he has been able to afford something called an apartment, but he also drives a Lexus. Wow, Steven, that's pretty impressive.
Until you consider the fact that the last time I saw a Lexus, I was stepping out of one and heading into .... wait for it ..... my apartment. I'm a man that writes a blog about penises and I have the same accoutrements as you, yet you don't see me ordering my girlfriend to make me a goddamn pot roast.
Anyway, Steven seeks a thin, beautiful, educated woman that can cook and knows when to keep her mouth shut. That sounds like a fine selection, Steven, because when she's aggressively cooking the pool boy's cock in her thin and beautiful uterus, she'll be educated enough to keep her mouth shut about it.
Maybe when your mother is sharing tips with your new girlfriend about how to raise bread properly, she can share with your mother some tips on how to raise children properly.
Now go buy her some new shoes, bitch. The pool boy is almost here.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Speaking of Tom's Animal Rendering Plant, that's how we lost our precious WWHM cat, pictured here on my obtuse thorax, who accidentally fell in the beluga whale chopper last fall.
While we did enjoy having the cat around the office, we also enjoyed him as a zesty and protein-rich sandwich spread. Thanks Tom!
Ladies and gentleman, WWHM is excited about the spread of WWHM to all corners of the globe. But as new viewers continue to stream in to WWHM every day to pore over the nauseating specimens of men we analyze, we like to remind our readers that WWHM is a disgusting, vile and immature website dedicated only to those who enjoy our particular brand of humor and our underlying message as a whole. If you like to live in a dreamy world of rainbows and ponies, we recommend you visit this website instead.
Are they gone yet?
Alright fuckers, let's do this! Welcome back regular readers, and welcome to the growing number of colleges, universities, employers and Facebook users making WWHM a daily distraction from their responsibilities. Ready to see some idiots trying to get into your pants?
Let's do the posts!!!!!!!
And remember ladies, your stories are better than mine, so feel free to put them in the comments!
I am a normel 50 age male who has a life long goal of woman watch me jerk off in my car in public. Stand by bus stop or parking lot and I will pull up to you and get off in my car. All you have to do is watch me stroke myself to cumpletion in my car no touching necesary. nice cock 9 inhes 5'7 200 clean cut and will be clothed. call Matt XXX XXX XXXX can pay up to $5 per time as insentive if you expose your pussy or hair
Mobile male masturbation dates back to the early 1800's, when one Bernard T. Huffingsworth was arrested on a red-faced horse outside a women's butter churning hovel for "coaxing forth God's seed fromst open knickers."
He was charged with one count of Dishonoring a Horse and two counts of Causing a Wench to be Aghast, and was sentenced to two days in jail. He was also ordered to feed his horse a Bible.
Matt aspires to achieve his "life long goal" of masturbating in front of a woman at a bus stop from his car. On the surface, WWHM readers may suspect this lowly goal qualifies Matt as a rather unmotivated individual, but let me assuage those concerns by assuring you he plans to clean the ejaculated sperm out of his belly hair with a Dairy Queen job application.
Sexual psychologists would suggest Matt suffers from a severe case of "exhibitionism," defined as "a perversion in which sexual gratification is obtained from the indecent exposure of one's genitals to a stranger."
I'd suggest those sexual psychologists stand at a bus stop for a couple days and see who's really suffering. Is it the poor woman on her way home from work, or is it the fat guy in a Toyota Spanker XE whose eyes are rolled back in his head as he groans like a shot moose and unloads another bleachy blast onto his windshield?
Interestingly, a recent poll of 12 friends of WWHM concluded that 100% of them had been the unwilling subjects of a serial masturbator at some point in their lives, so if you've been a victim, acknowledge it in the comments. Or even share the story, so we have something to talk about at Thanksgiving over pie.
I HAVE: ONE FIFTY DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE TO APPLEBEES, AMERICA'S FAVOURITE EATERY
YOU HAVE: TITS AND A TWAT
If you're looking for someone to blame for the poor wording in Jim's personal ad, we may want to point an accusing finger towards Applebee's new ill-advised marketing slogan for the Enid area of Northern Oklahoma:
Applebee's: Moistening Enid's Twats Since 1972
Anyway, today we meet Cowboy Jim, a man brave enough to detonate a "twat" bomb in a personal ad, yet still expects to see a piece of what he's referencing after he takes you to Applebee's. And pays with a coupon.
Here's an equation they obviously don't teach in Enid, Oklahoma:
Twat + coupon= hand + lotion.
If you use a coupon to take 100% off her dinner tab on a first date, she's going to counter with a coupon guaranteeing you 100% off of any opportunity of seeing her naked.
I don't know how it works in Enid, Oklahoma, but in Los Angeles taking a woman to Applebee's on a first date might earn me a weak handshake and a fake phone number. Paying with a coupon automatically upgrades me to the "Knee In The Balls" plan, likely accompanied by a simmering pile of excrement on my doorstep.
Enid likely has fewer dining options, 95% of which involve eating off of a wagon wheel, but the dining etiquette remains the same, Jim. Take note: Paying with a coupon on a first date makes you cheap, and to women, cheap has nothing to do with money. Cheap has to do with selfish. Women don't concern themselves with how much you tip in order to determine how much money you make. They do it to see who you are as a person.
There is an absolute, direct correlation between your tip and how many orgasms she's going to experience over the course of your relationship. And that number tonight will be zero for you, and three for her, only after she goes home and fucks the guy that took her to TGI Fridays and paid the full tab and tipped 30%.
Oh, and guys, if you try and hide how much you're tipping when you pay a tab, don't bother. She knows why you're hiding it. You cheap fuck.
Put your cheap dates and anything else in the comments.
Friday, November 7, 2008
A lot of of bloggers have been writing to ask how WWHM became popular. Believe me, it wasn't always this way guys. Four months ago I wrote this blog for 6-8 people, and they didn't even read it. But as I've told you all, it exploded once I posted a few comments on other blogs and it just somehow took off from there.
Feel free to use WWHM comments to promote yourself. In fact, post your direct links in the comments below to get started.
If you must have some losers today, here's a site from WWHM reader Jaime. Thanks Jaime!
I'll be back soon guys, and thank you for making WWHM a success. We've got kitten photos coming up next week, so you know what that means. ***YOU'VE BEEN WARNED***
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Hi. I am a friendly but neglected penis looking for a friendly, beautiful but negelcted vagina. I dangle between the legs of a nice guy who has gotten into a rut of being too busy to take care of my needs. Do you lie between the legs of a nice gal who is like my guy, too busy to find you a penis for your pleasure? My guy's lips tell me he hasent even kissed a nice vagina in so long mr tongue is getting as restless as I am. I sure miss doing the slip and slide in and out of a nice moist vagina. My neighbors, the balls brothers tell me they are so ready to make a huge batch of their special, high protine, love potion for your gal's enjoyment. Caio baby. Greg
Good fucking lord, where do I even start with something this lame? This is like picking on The Real World cast.
Greg's been abusing his penis like an alpine ski pole for the last 20 years, and with this personal ad his dick just secured another fucking 20 years in solitary confinement.
I'm not saying your personal ad will turn women off Greg, but I know girls who would rather spend their last government food coupons on a cross-town bus trip to blow a semi-professional mime.
"Nice, moist vagina"? "Nice and moist" is how my grandmother would describe a piece of steamy senior-home poundcake. You know what you get when you tell a woman you want to feel her "nice, moist vagina"? You get a dry, closed vagina.
"Mr. Tongue","the Balls Brothers" and "love potion"? I feel like I just walked into a puppet show titled "How Not to Get Laid."
Congratulations Greg, you've successfully written the lamest personal ad I've ever seen on WWHM. Speaking in third person would be bad enough, but you don't even do that. You speak in penis person.
Hopefully your balls enjoy dangling, because they're going to be hanging idly like a basement windsock for the next 20 years.
What do they have to look forward to?
I love to Cross Dress. I don't know why...maybe DNA...maybe subliminal advertising....maybe too much cable TV. It just feels sexy to dress and feel like a woman. If you're a single woman, I could understand why you might be hestitant in playing with a strange man. Rest assured, I'm VERY submissive, and would be OK. Single guys I'm not so sure about, but maybe if you look OK. Seth
WWHM receives a lot of personal ads featuring rugged, burly men modeling the latest trends in dainty, girlish panties and lingerie. Every time I open my email, it looks like a Victoria's Secret outlet exploded at a fucking logging convention. But whether they're dancing in front of a mirror, lying across a mattress, or posing in a coy fashion on the couch, I can assure you even the sexiest lingerie in the world has a 100% fool-proof antidote: Balls.
Putting lingerie over a pair of balls is like putting a little pink tank top on a shark; you may be trying to sex yourself up a little, but we still know what's going on underneath. Yet the whimsical, carefree Seth attempts to further conceal his balls utilizing a technique called the "tuck-under." By pulling the penis back into the open, fragrant prairies of the taint and closing his legs tightly, a man can make it appear he has no genitals at all. The problem is keeping it back there; it's like trying to stuff a housecat in a travel cage.
Conservative straight Midwestern guys like Seth often worry that an appreciation for wearing women's clothing makes him "gay." That's like putting on a pair of moccasins and worrying people will think you're an American Indian. Wearing women's clothing doesn't make you gay, Seth. Going to parades makes you gay. You really need to educate yourself.
We don't know if you're gay, Seth, and we don't know why you cross-dress. If you think corporations spend billions of dollars on subliminal advertising to sell you hamburgers, I could maybe see your point. But if you think corporations spend billions of dollars on subliminal advertising just because they want you to slip into a slinky pair of purple fishnets, then you're not gay, you're crazy.
Plus, I've watched 20 straight hours of Entourage and I didn't find myself wearing a pair of edible crotchless panties, so I don't really think you can blame cable TV either.
You wanna know why I think you like wearing women's clothing? Because you like wearing women's clothing.
(Remember guys, WWHM is going in a new direction. Cross-dressing is NOT a reason for women to hate men. We're going to make fun of all kinds of sexual quirks on WWHM from now on, because all human sexuality is hilarious. Not only do I need to change the name of WWHM, I also need to start trying on women's clothing. I'll start right now with a breezy, summery scarf.)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
And for the thousands of WWHM readers outside the United States, what does Election Day mean? It means your chances of being on the receiving end of a Teledyne AGM-158 high-precision air-to-land missile for a couple of barrels of rotted dinosaur bones just went down about 98%. Congratulations Ulaan Bator, Mongolia, now feel free to go about your regular daily business! We will not steal your sheep!
I'm The Weasel, your cordial host into the shady world of WWHM. What is WWHM you ask?
WWHM is a heavy, nasty and pasty stew of clueless men who have no fucking idea how to relate to women. Are they just shy? Unfortunately, no.
No, we analyze the type of men that make you dry heave like a grass-fed cat. We amalgamate these men into a rancid, viscous ghoulash called WWHM that not only entertains you, but also acts as a fecal-based burning agent that you can cast forth at your enemies eye sockets, causing them to flee post haste in a robust combination of fear and horror.
Well, here I am ready to go cast my vote for President of the United States! You see, in 2004, I tied a string around my finger so I'd remember to vote, but I forgot. So in 2008, I'm stepping it up a notch and chaining myself to Dick Cheney whilst adorning myself with an 18th century cast-iron man-cloak. Man, my balls itch so bad I'm about to release a cauldron of snapping beetles into my over-snug llama-skin cock sleeve. Pray for me!
I can't wait for the results tonight folks, and please make sure you get out and vote today. This is the most important election we will ever face in our lifetime.
As always, let's do the posts...............
(Hey, thank you WWHM fans! November 1st was our 4th month anniversary. With over 300,000 hits, I can't thank you enough. Keep spreading the word of WWHM!)
Im looking for a replasement girlfreind that left me// we always fight, so why bother styaing in a relationship with a fucking bitch? .Im looking for skinnywoman with no issues please be pretty and understanding, sexual in bed plus you will cook for mebecuase i can't. Must be pretty, thin, young attractive most important mid 20s under 30 i have trailer and job. Kevinn email kevinnXXXXX @ XXXXX.com
WWHM reader SR writes in:
"Weasel I find it funny how these fat, unattractive, old guys show their cocks in personal ads and say they are seeking 'attractive, thin, young women'. Look at yourself! Go on a diet! Why do they do that?"
Well, luckily for you readers, I was at least able to slice off Kevinn's penis. Unfortunately I used Photoshop, so I'm only speaking metaphorically. On that note, if Lorena Bobbitt ever feels the need to hurl another hastily amputated pair of genitals out of a truck window, all she has to do is visit my "Recycle Bin." It's like a fucking catch basket for a medieval penis guillotine.
SR, that's a great question. Time and time again on WWHM, we find disrespectful assholes posting grainy cellphone photos of their sagging scrotums online, and then expect a Heidi Klum look-alike in red fishnets to break down their trailerhome screen doors holding a tube of KY Jelly in one hand and a steaming bowl of garbanzo beans with a T-bone steak in the other.
Clueless idiots frequently suffer from delusions of grandeur. An ideology that they can expect certain standards from women, yet don't have to meet those same standards themselves. Hence:
"...she has to be thin ..." he scribes, as he generously coats another healthy, whole harp seal with margarine and swallows it like an Advil.
".....I want her to be young......" he ponders in the elevator at Target, gyrating rhythmically while snapping his fingers enthusiastically to instrumental versions of 50's Bing Crosby show tunes.
"...and she must be attractive...." he insists, as two pustulating boils threaten to merge on the crown of his nose like a chain of active Pacific volcanoes, blocked only by the emerging row of malformed horse teeth currently emanating from his nasal passages.
Fortunately, in real environments, women usually respond to these aggressive, gangrenous blowhards by kicking them in the fucking balls so hard their stomachs will have to digest more white swimmers than a starving shark in Laguna Beach on a Labor Day weekend.
By the way, I love the term "replacement girlfriend." Apparently you ladies should stamp 'General Electric' on your asses, because you're just as disposable as a common lightbulb. The next woman to date this guy will have something in common with a lightbulb, however.
She'll be screwed.
Playing the role of "social maverick," I hid in the corners and nervously sipped a Shirley Temple all night whilst my legs trembled in fear of an actual woman approaching me and attempting to start a conversation. Just the thought of such an occurrence caused my weak bladder to continuously emit a laser thin stream of watermelon-tinted urine into my Haggar slacks, causing an effigy of Our Lady of Guadalupe to form just above my left knee. I was then followed home by 74,000 third-world Catholics with candles and a FOX news crew on a break from distorting reality.
But I witnessed an unspeakable horror at the club, a male behavior so reprehensible yet laughable that today we're gonna play a little show-and-tell with the group.
We're talking about men that dance by themselves in a club and/or bar. The insufferable fucking douchebags with armband tattoos, Ed Hardy T-shirts, and enough Axe Bodyspray to sterilize the entirety of gametes present in the collective wombs of the club.
And I present to you a recorded sample of just such an occurrence. Please note, the girl in this video is openly mocking these guys for attempting to dance sexily by themselves in a comical effort to seduce a woman.
I salute this woman for performing her civic duty of making asses out of these ridiculous cocksmokers. If anyone knows the woman in this video, please forward her name and address to me so I can rub her feet and hand feed her Bon-Bon's in a spa tub for eternity. I love you, sweet damsel.
And I hope to someday tickle your Chiclets.
I am interested in "furries" (?) in my area. I am agoraphobic and cannot easily explore outside of my building. Would anyone be willing to come to my condominium in XXXXXXXX tomorrow or Saturday?
When most people spot a moose in their backyard, their first instinct is to run into the house and hide. However, for a few select others, their first instinct is to run into the house and put on a hide- and grab a nice bottle of wine and some Marvin Gaye records while they're at it.
Just kidding. We have to make a distinction first, because in our example above, we're actually describing "bestiality", which refers to humans initiating sexual contact with actual animals. Bestiality is always disgusting, unless I'm alone in the WWHM offices and a confident sheep with a coy demeanor just happens to waltz into my office wearing a frilly garter and dark green eyeshadow. Then it's called youthful exuberance. Followed quickly by alcohol poisoning. Take notes, Mr. Gere.
Today, we're actually going to discuss "furries", a peculiar sexual fetish characterized by a desire to dress up and role-play as an animal. Which is not disgusting at all, but rather just completely fucking odd.
If you think about it, "furry" sex is just like regular sex, only there's no kissing, no touching, and rather than making love to a woman you feel a deep emotional passion for, you're blindly dry-humping the shell of a large plastic Chinese chipmunk ensemble. Wow, talk about some deep thinking on a long drive home.
Psychologists theorize "furries" share a basic set of common traits; frequent exposure to and idolization of animals and animal characters as a youth, a feeling of detachment from other human beings, and a close relationship with a dry cleaner capable of extracting large semen stains from the intricate faux-fur of an overblown raccoon head.
"Plushies" are similar to "furries", only they have an attraction to stuffed animals, as opposed to real animals, or humans dressed as fake animals. In addition, some "furries" may be "plushies" if they enjoy dressing up as an animal and having sex with a stuffed animal rather than another "furry". Am I the only one that feels this blog entry needs a fucking flow chart?
Plushies may outfit their favored animals with multiple genital entry points, as plushies frequently enjoy having sex with stuffed animals. So apparently "double-stuffed" doesn't just apply to Oreo cookies, and we must continue to recognize the differences in the creamy fillings. But God help us if Hasbro and Nabisco ever merge.
Some other "furry" terms? "Yiffing" refers to a sexual act while in costume, a "furpile" denotes group furry sex, "skritching" means affectionately tending to another's costume, and "spooge" is the term used for ejaculate, proving furries aren't always as creative as they think they are.
Lastly, furries utilize the term "furvert" for those who are sexually attracted specifically to college mascots. Indeed I find it odd that a grown man getting boned in a gopher suit refers to someone attracted to the Stanford Tree as a word so closely associated with "pervert."
(WWHM realizes that some of our posts don't live up to the blog name Why Women Hate Men. Being a "furry" is not a reason for women to hate men. In fact, WWHM staff does not find any fetish offensive to women at all. Except poop. And urine. And bestiality. We just like to mix up our posts now and then to make fun of different aspects of human sexuality. Because, fuck, even regular sex is funny. Plus, we'd like to sincerely apologize to Mr. Gere for once again prolonging the stupid "gerbil in the ass" urban legend. He still won't get caught dead in a pet store.)
Saturday, November 1, 2008
As you can see, I bought a new sleek aerodynamic swim outfit. The salesguy said it would cut my time in the 1000-meter by at least one second.
I had high hopes, but for some reason, my time has actually gotten slower. Hmmm.
It's almost feels like I'm dragging something behind me, and for the life of me I can't figure it out. And why are there so many goddamn squirrels in this pool?
Maybe I should shave my legs?
I don't know, but if you guys have any suggestions, let me know.
I'll see you next week.