Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Brilliant Idiocy

I am looking for a woman for me

OK, first off
• No baggage!!,-- that includes any kids, ex-boyfriends, or clingy, jealous girlfriends
• No history of substance abuse, drugs and alcohol -- Addicts and "recovering addicts" need not reply
• Vegans -- may God bless you, but I am not interested in dating picky eaters
• To those who self-identify as "Christian", I can read the Old Testament in the original Aramaic and the New Testament in the original Koine Greek. I myself am Manichean and a member of a Gnostic group.

Here is a list of the characteristics I am searching for in a woman
• must know one European language other than English, Spanish, and Portuguese
• minimum educational level is a Masters degree or, at least, currently working towards earning a MA, MPhil, PhD, or DPhil
• Maybeck or Wright?
• I only dance to World Beat music e.g. Persian techno, House music from Turkey, sufi ragas from Afghanistan, latest pop from Cameroon.
• There is a difference between Jackie Collins and Wilkie Collins. If you do not know who the latter is, then find another personal ad.
-Do you know the difference between Keynesianism and Friedman's model?
• Alexander Hamilton or Thomas Jefferson?
• Concerning sex: read Reich's The Function of the Orgasm

work/career
I am working towards a PhD.

Thank you for reading. Have a pleasant day. Philipe


Ladies and gentleman, meet Philipe, the number one reason people scatter at social gatherings. It's like watching a wasp invade a picnic, only he threatens you with the painful sting of excruciating conversation.

Know-it-all Philipe (pronounced insufferable-bore) has placed a personal ad specifically seeking a non-vegan Manichean French-speaking Wilkie Collins fanatic with a PhD in Afghani history. In addition, your vagina must smell like fresh Algonquian tree sap.

While many men feel women adopt impossible-to-meet standards for their dating candidates, Philipe has effectively trumped women by listing a set of ridiculous standards that are not only stringent, but have absolutley nothing to do with a relationship whatsoever. It's like selecting a car based on the mating habits of Brazilian tree sloths. What's the difference between Keynesianism and Friedman's model of economics? The difference is you're never getting a blowjob.

Women generally find wildly intelligent men very attractive, but when intelligence overshadows any sense of humility, you've officially crossed into the territory of the pompous, arrogant ass. Philipe crossed into that territory, and subsequently bored the inhabitants with World Music until they stabbed themselves. “There is a difference between Jackie Collins and Wilkie Collins. If you do not know who the latter is, then find another personal ad.” And he wonders why his penis smells like an unearthed mummy.

Philipe holds the weighty erotic appeal of an impotent meerkat with chronic back acne. His ad invokes Wilhelm Reich's The Function of the Orgasm to tantalize you with what forthcometh sexually. Let me describe the manual via Amazon: “An exploration of sexuality relating to the importance of human life and it's relevance in understanding the social problems of our time.” If you want to get yourself really juicy, you can read that and a bus schedule.

Translate that riveting manuscript into the bedroom, and you have all the sexual electricity of an undercooked ham. Him, the superior being, fucking you, the inferior dolt. He ejaculates, and then burns your People magazines.

One thing you certainly won't have to worry about with Philipe?

Clingy women.

71 comments:

Bellesouth said...

Ten bucks says this dude spends his Fridays playing D&D and has never moved out of his parents' basement.

It's usually these kind of intellectual booksnobs who have spent so much time reading and embedding themselves in intellectual bullshit that they lack the basic skills necessary to, you know, pay their own rent or hold a steady job.

RebelJubilee said...

Women generally find wildly intelligent men very attractive

Yes, very true. Until they get so smart they lack those all important social skills. Unfortunately its a double edged sword

Weasel said...

BTW, I researched "Gnostic."

Essentially this group is united in "teaching that humans are divine souls trapped in a material world created by an imperfect god."

Sounds inspiring.

Anonymous said...

"Philipe holds the weighty erotic appeal of an impotent meerkat with chronic back acne"

Way too vivid of a visual with a hangover! Wait, it might have even been more vivid without the hangov.. *pauses to pour more vodka in the glass*..

Hyena Overlord said...

I aren't right some smart so I only understood the words "insufferable", "bore", "pompus", "ass". Thanks for the warning Weas, I'll run the other way when a meerkat with back acne and a cravat approaches me at the next social gathering.

One of my learned friends has a BSc, Ms(?) and a PhD. He says it stands for Bullshit, More Shit, Piled Higher and Deeper. I think that applies to Philipe.

Bellesouth, I agree.

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO HAVOC!!!!!!!!

Guys like this wouldn't stand a chance with a bunch of dummies like us. While he's trying to prove Alfred Einstein wrong, we'd be handing him a muck fork and laughing as he's trying to scrape off the bottom of his penny-loafer.

I have the dumb... but I damn sure have a lot more fun than this guy can ever EVEN imagine. :-) (dances away in her ignorantly blissful dumbness)

Pilar said...

I bet I could Google all that shit and still be smarter and more interesting than Philipe.
*Snoooooore*

searching_for_something said...

But, but, he sounds so passionate and firey, I bet he is a monster in bed. He could read the Bible to me in different languages and everything. Wow, what woman wouldn't want that???!

wheelin126 said...

Nosnikta "dances away in her ignorantly blissful dumbness"

*runs after her dancing wildly also* lmao

I would rather be dumb in his standards than a dumbass in my standards...which he would be. All the vagina's in a 100 mile radius are drier than the Mojabi desert when his name is even mentioned and weasel sure got that right "Philipe (pronounced insufferable-bore)" The Serta counting sheep have now become unemployed thanks to Philipe...yawn..snore

fleeting said...

Let me point out that there are two kinds of academics. There are the awesome ones, that are totally geeky but have a life outside the university and their books, will go for beers after work and have a healthy (or at least not entirely dysfunctional) social life. Then there are the ones who live and breathe their discipline of choice, rarely emerging from their laboratory or office to catch a damnable glimpse of daylight. These lifeless tools eventually begin to believe that, not only is their discipline the most important thing in the universe, but it is the ONLY thing in the universe. The product of this transition is Phillipe. In his intellect he is so fucking clueless, that if you showed him a vagina he would be more compelled to compose a dissertation on its cost-benefit analysis than to do anything with it.

Don't worry girls - (some) PhDs aren't this scary!

fleeting, BSc, PhD student

Hannah said...

This is exactly the kind of oblivious, social retard that I was trying to describe to a friend the other day.

If you try to have a conversation with someone like this, you can only tolerate maybe five minutes before you realize how weird they are.

And somewhere, in their tiny, screwed-up little brain, they think the same about you.

Nina said...

What I wouldn't give to watch a video of this giant jackass getting down to "sufi ragas from Afghanistan, latest pop from Cameroon." That could only be freaking hysterical. Especially because the video would probably be taped in his parents' basement, as Bellesouth said.

Irony. Pretentious. Also sleeping: ZzzZZzzZZzzz...

Nosnikta said...

Is it just me? or is it guys like this that lead me to twirl my hair, blink a lot, and then laugh a big hearty guffaw and wink as you relish in the expression on their face as they try to analyze you?

Jadis said...

"What's the difference between Keynesianism and Friedman's model of economics? The difference is you're never getting a blowjob."

Thank you so much! Your sense of humor always brightens my day. I give this URL to everyone - my girlfriends love it as much as I do.

Happy Thanksgiving and thank you so much for all of the laughs.

Callen said...

Sadly, I go to school (working on my own PhD) with a lot of guys like this. The best part of males like this however, is walking up in some "party girl" outfit and then develop a rather loud, obnoxious accent (my personal favorite is valley-girl) and then proceed to break them down with their own logic.

The difference between when girls do it and when guys do it - the girl often time goes home with a rather attractive male with great anatomy. When a guy does it, he has to fulfill his hormonal cravings with a heated up melon of some sort, a magazine (or TV) and some lube.

Dusty said...

"Philipe holds the weighty erotic appeal of an impotent meerkat with chronic back acne" might possibly be the best description ever. Hilarious!

Trainer X said...

You know, for someone who has posted a dating ad, he seems awfully picky! Hey Phillipe! Beggers can NOT be choosers!! LMAO!!! Loser!

www.ihateyourhorse.blogspot.com

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I'm a Mensa member and I fucking LOVE Jackie Collins. I hate people like this and wouldn't give one the time of day much less anything else.

Walk On said...

"Know-it-all Philipe (pronounced insufferable-bore)".... ya know, when I saw the name, my first thought was "and you KNOW he pronounces it Fill-LEEEP". Thank you for the correction Weasel, somehow, I think you've got the right one. :)

"I am working towards a PhD" -
does taking a night course while holding down a McDonald's job really count?

As to dancing to "world beat music, STFU Phil-dough, I'm a belly dancer, I have no doubt that my right ass cheek has more moves than your entire body. I also have no doubt that the spastic flailing you call dancing would make me double over laughing. (In my experience, "I dance to world beat music" means "I have no rhythm so I only dance to music with rythms too complex for most people to tell if I'm with it or not")

I love the part about no "clingy, jealous girlfriends". To me, this reads as "and you'd better make me the center of your universe".

God damn, file this one as "reason number 2,393 as to why I'm single and loving it". Out of all the losers seen here, this is the one I want to spill a can of whoop ass all over. There's no WAY this brainiac has enough of a body to be able to take a punch. Hell, a slap would probably have him sobbing.

With any luck, he'll get caught outside in a thunderstorm someday. With his nose that far in the air, he's sure to drown.

Brandy said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

"the weighty erotic appeal of an impotent meerkat with chronic back acne..."

Hammer, meet nail head! Oh, Weasel, who needs Fill-eep when we have you?

From Wikipedia: "Collins never married, but lived, on and off from 1858, with a widow, Mrs. Caroline Graves, and her daughter, Elizabeth (whom Collins called "Carrie"). He also fathered three children by another woman, Martha Rudd, whom he met after Mrs. Graves left him to marry Joseph Charles Clow. Mrs. Graves returned to Collins after two years, and he continued both relationships until his death in 1889."

I wonder if he calls his penis "Wilkie"?

And personally, I prefer Ambrose Bierce...

Anonymous said...

Hi guys sounds like the college professor I used to fuck in high school. I know I know I was going through a rebelous patch and I didnt know any better. Anyways, I kicked him to the curb when I realized his idea of fun outside of sex was lecturing me about how "dumb" my generation has become.

The whole time I'm thinking the guy should have been lucky someone from the "dumb" generation was sleeping with him in the first place.

jax said...

omg i met a dick like him at a wedding this summer.

i let him get about 8mins into his douchebag story before i tipped my glass over right in front of him, smiled and explained i needed another drink. exit stage right.

ug guys like him think they are all doing us a favor like we're going to up our IQ through Osmosis of the dick.

Anonymous said...

Yay, I can follow the math. Go me. But no differential equations, tsk tsk.

Toycia said...

Is anyone else wondering why spanish and portuguese don't count as second languages? and it has to be a European language as well, I could speak all the chinese dialects and not make the requirements.

Right.

I think he may have listed "ex-boyfriends" as baggage because he has ZERO ex-girlfriends.

Evergrey said...

I bet this guy pees sitting down and suffers from severe constipation on a regular basis.
I'm also noting that he seems to be entirely unconcerned about any emotional qualities whatsoever, and displays none of his own. No kindness, no joy, no passion, no sexiness, nothing. I wonder if he has asperger's or something and doesn't know how to externalize his feelings or understand the feelings of others? That's not to say that everyone with asperger's is like this, but it can be one of the challenges people on the autism spectrum can face.

Regardless, he's got a fire hydrant stuck up that ass of his, and his voice is probably incredibly nasal.

Raven said...

OMG Pretentious much!!!

Trainer X said...
You know, for someone who has posted a dating ad, he seems awfully picky! Hey Phillipe! Beggers can NOT be choosers!! LMAO!!! Loser!
This is so so true.

I think he's going to spend the rest of his life in the company of a box of tissues and a bottle of lotion.

www.gumbootsandjeans.blogspot.com

SassyAssy said...

Wow! I can barely restrain myself from seeking out this windbag. Maybe he should just read Playboy and call it a good date...cause that is about all the bootay he will be getting...from his hand.

SassyAssy said...

I found our boy's personal ad. I culled this little gem:

"As a general rule, I prefer movies in which (1) I like the be in the movie either as myself or as a character in the movie."

I also noted that he has no friends yet...go figure!

robyn said...

Using a dash instead of a bullet there in the ad. Ah ah ah, Philipe! Very sloppy.

World music--nahh. A guy who can't appreciate decent music ranks REALLY low on my list.

E.A.D. said...

Another candidate for the Real doll. Unless maybe there's a woman out there who speaks Italian or Swedish, has never dated, can read the Bible in five languages, has an equally narrow taste in music, enjoys long essays on sex and its role in society, and will never, ever give him shit about ANYTHING at all because she's too busy working on her thesis. Theoretical physicists, aeronautical engineers, and energetic materials specialists need not apply. /GAG

wheelin126 said...

All you insomniacs- we have found a cure!!!!! One minute in the same room with Philipe and you will sleep like a baby all night long!!

Liz said...

and a bus schedule...classic.

Anonymous said...

I think he listed "ex-boyfriends" as baggage because he's worried about one of them possibly kicking his ass.

cattypex said...

fleeting said...
"Let me point out that there are two kinds of academics."

Yeah, no kidding. Most of the insufferable boobs that I've met have been econ, political science, philosophy or hardcore programming types.

Literature, languages, history, natural science, fine arts... there are many fun peeps in these departments.

I HAVE met cool philosophers etc., but the übersnobs tend to come from those heartless disciplines. ;)

(OK, I was an English major.)

This guy is the douchiest douchebag!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet if you showed him your tits, he'd sleep with you anyway.

Unknown said...

I used to date a PhD candidate from Cal Tech. He refused to allow me to tell him jokes because "I only have a certain number of brain cells and I can fill them up with garbage." That one lasted a whole 2 weeks. He ended up marrying a gorgeous natural blonde who died her hair dark brown so she wasn't thought of as being stupid. Life's weird.

Anonymous said...

I worry that he is looking for his soul mate. I'd hate to think that there is a woman out there that fulfills his huge list of requirements.

Obviously he is not looking for someone with a sense of humour.

Canoncowgirl said...

"What's the difference between Keynesianism and Friedman's model of economics? The difference is you're never getting a blowjob." I freaking love you Weasel. XD

Libbie Grant said...

I hope Philipe isn't also after a hottie. Any woman who has devoted that much time to achieving such an admirable brain is not very likely to spend a lot of time developing a hot physical appearance. She's too smart to think it's all that important to look like Barbie.

Philipe, you are setting yourself up for some Turkish dance disappointment.

Anonymous said...

I may never stop laughing. This reminds me of why I bailed out of grad school.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like he's part of the Taliban.

cattypex said...

You know, the whole Philipe thing reminds me of the movie "The Wedding Banquet" wherein a young gay Taiwanese man living in San Francisco has to appease his parents by giving them a "job description" for the matchmaker.

He makes it super impossible, and it reads like Philipe's.... Maybe Philipe is really laboring under the desperation of appeasing his mama, who thinks he's straight!!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107156/

Julian Meteor said...

Lol!!!!
WAML!!!!!
(What a Major Loser)

Anonymous said...

hey ladyfolk- you know those personal ads that (a heck of a lot of) you write in your search for the perfect guy? well this is how they come across to most men.
in fact, this is almost the direct translation of "i'm looking for a man who is strong, but sensitive and a great dancer. he must be financially independent and definitely not bald. also, i prefer tall men. i'm curvy but cute bla bla bla..."
is there a template for these things that boring people pass around or something?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

That logarithmic equation looks awfully familiar. I think he got it from my 15-year-old daughter's algebra II book. Hope his Ph.D.-to-be isn't in math ...

Karl Moebius said...

That seems awfully specific, I wonder if he had someone in mind, which is an extra helping of creepy on top of the creepy cake.

WinterMusic said...

Havocec said:
One of my learned friends has a BSc, Ms(?) and a PhD. He says it stands for Bullshit, More Shit, Piled Higher and Deeper. I think that applies to Philipe.

I agree! I have a B.S. and am working on my DVM (Doctor of Veterinary Medicine), and unfortunately, although there aren't very many men in my field, most of them tend to be very arrogant...and yet none of them are anywhere near this bad! Wow...just, wow. Where do you think he even got some of these criteria???

Anonymous said...

The problem with men like Philipe is that any women with those qualities would never have anything to do with him. Lucky for him though I learned a little japanese watching anime and I am free this weekend.

Dates have to end before 10 though. 10pm is mama's "drinking alone" time.

Jacob said...

Too bad for this guy, I'm probably the only one compatible with him, and he's too much of a loser for me to consider homoeroticism. Also, the Old Testament was written in Biblical Hebrew, not Aramaic...jackass, and the New Testament was written in Aramaic and Greek. Take that from a linguistics major and shove it up your pipe.

Unknown said...

My cat's name is Mittens...

Anonymous said...

Why the algebra? Trying to look impressive? It's simple High School math, christ I'm 17 and in my last year of HS and consider myself the class idiot and even I could understand his useless petty little equations.

Anonymous said...

Hmm... he expects to meet a highly educated, virginal atheist with a narrow taste in music and a degree in the humanities? I wonder if a person like this exists...

Anonymous said...

"Ten bucks says this dude spends his Fridays playing D&D and has never moved out of his parents' basement."

That is really insulting to the cute, sweet, romantic, caring nerds who still lives in their parents' basement! ;)

demon said...

being mildly retarded he doesn't seem to meet his own reqs.

I have a colleague who while otherwise normal plays D&D. Ok, he's almost nearly normal. But a nice chap.

http://lawdemon.blogspot.com/

demon said...

being mildly retarded he doesn't seem to meet his own reqs.

I have a colleague who while otherwise normal plays D&D. Ok, he's almost nearly normal. But a nice chap.

http://lawdemon.blogspot.com/

§kyye said...

I just have to say... this is the most refreshingly intelligent group I have had the pleasure to come across in a long LONG time - not only are the posts witty and spot-on, but the commentary is brilliantly sarcastic. All women? I should have known. =)

§kyye said...

P.S. ~

Oh, and Weasel? I'm thinking that our darling Philipe and his list of must-haves are trying to tell us (and him) something -- he's obviously attempting to find the impossible, which says that perhaps he doesn't really want it after all... maybe our dear Philipe is gay.

And another thing - we don't work towards something, we work TOWARD it. For a PhD candidate, this is pretty crappy grammar. I would know this, since I have just returned to college myself - and I am just a lowly undergrad!

Anonymous said...

§kyye said...

"I just have to say... this is the most refreshingly intelligent group I have had the pleasure to come across in a long LONG time - not only are the posts witty and spot-on, but the commentary is brilliantly sarcastic. All women? I should have known. =)"
Sexism, I should have known. =)

But Philipe is a pretenious ass. No doubts about it.

Also, Bellesouth owes me $10. He doesn't play D&D in his parents' basement - he plays it in his friend's basement. How do I know? Let's just say, friend of said friend.

Anonymous said...

You know... geek chic can be a magnificent thing to behold. But this guy gets it totally wrong.

Anonymous said...

Also, why is he so keen on Persian techno? Techno, while being notoriously misunderstood (often called house, etc.), has its origin in Detroit and its spiritual home in (some) parts of Europe, especially the UK and Germany. So why Persian techno?

Sorry, the odd distinction is bothering my stupid head, just had to say the above.

If Persian techno really is as delectable as he thinks it is, why isn't he just saying, 'it would be great if you love music, I'd love to show you some of my favourites', or something? Even talking about music to a potential date he's somehow got it wrong.

Unknown said...

Well I understood everything he was saying and I still wouldn't date him. There's more warmth and companionship in last night's leftover pizza. (Shhh Mama's coming) But if this guy is somehow uber cute in a nerdy way and can keep his mouth shut or at least limit speech to chat about his collectible Star Wars action figure collection, he might still have a shot at that bj with an inebriated sorority girl working on her community service credits.

Unknown said...

Well I understood everything he was saying, meet his criteria and still wouldn't date him. There's more warmth and companionship in last night's leftover pizza. (Shhh Mama's coming) But if this guy is somehow uber cute in a nerdy way and can keep his mouth shut or at least limit speech to chat about his collectible Star Wars action figure collection, he might still have a shot at that bj with an inebriated sorority girl working on her community service credits.

Hayley said...

Nothing wrong with smart - Loved that comment Havocec...:)

Igraine said...

• To those who self-identify as "Christian", I can read the Old Testament in the original Aramaic and the New Testament in the original Koine Greek. I myself am Manichean and a member of a Gnostic group.

Well, you can read in Aramaic and congratulations to you. However, you could use a remedial English grammer class.

Here is a list of the characteristics I am searching for in a woman

You forgot the colon-again!

Anonymous said...

Devil's advocate. I found the actual ad, like SassyAssy, and upon reading it, wonder if this guy isn't from someplace like Cameroon. It would link up with his like of world music, and his requirement of a European language - his first language appears to be French. Just a few of some things that struck me in his entry as "not a standard intelligently idiotic white guy from the USA".

That being said, he still sounds like an insufferable ass.

Anonymous said...

I am very attracted to wildlly intellectual handsom men, but sometimes they can lack social skills. I had a crush on a guy all through high school and recently sent him an e-mail. He NEVER responded back and I am still pissed off. I sent it before Christmas. I am really mad at him for not responding. I found out he is marrired with thrree kids; I don't know if his wife erased the e-mail or ifi the guy wasn't interested in responding. However, there is no reason why he couldn't of least responded back. I checked him ouit on the iternet and he is iia CEO for an advertising agency, went to N Ivy League college and graduated Cum Laude. He is a social butterfly because he is in the media. I get the impression the is not worth a penney!!

amy said...

I hate those self posing men, is he buying something in the market or wat?

Ink said...

First of all thank you Phillipe for intrioguing enough to go to Wikipedia and/or Google to find out about those things - I love wildly intelligent guys but you are being pompous.

I am proud you want a woman with brains (Ironically, this was Hall Of Shame's most intelligently written one) but Dude you are being smart assy and extremely biased.

You act as a genius but most geniuses aren't come clean ppl - they have probs so yeah

Deal with the world and not be matted into your Ivory Tower. We may not all agree with Nietzsche but that does not mean we become too caught up in our own egos.

Yeah think about it.

Generic Viagra said...

This guy is kind of delicate, he is asking pretty much to date a girl, it's hard to find a woman who meets all the requirement, so I guess he will keep single, when will he change his mind? We don't know about it yet. cheap viagra viagra

John Valenty said...

No ex-boyfriends huh? good luck with that one buddy. This had to be a joke

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