(Attn. WWHM readers: This is entirely real. I wish I could tell you otherwise.)
Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes by Paul Photenhauer
If you thought finding a fly in your soup was bad, imagine a waiter unzipping his fly just above your soup to complete the dish.
“Excuse me miss,” the waiter might inquire, “but it really might help me if you briefly address me as your “dirty whore of a waiter."
Paul Photenhauer offers us his unique perspective on dietary protein enrichment in his new book Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. “Like fine wines and cheeses," he says, "the taste of semen is complex and dynamic.” Perhaps one might describe semen this way when surrounded by fine linens and a string quartet, but most women are more familiar with the type of semen ingested in the back seat of a '84 Jetta. Bleachy and acidic, it tastes more like something they might use to buff an aluminum kettle.
Mr. Photenhauer argues that semen is simply an acquired taste. "Some tend to dismiss semen as food and describe it as bitter or salty. This is similar to a person who tastes wine for the first time and says it tastes sour." Oh whatever, you big uppity cum snob. Last time I checked, women dismissed semen as a food source because it shot piping hot out of a penis and smelled like something you'd find on your shoe after a 7 hour aquarium tour. A topping for flan? It's supposed to evolve into an infant. Do you sprinkle babies on your lasagne?
Most recipes call for fresh semen, but some recipes such as the Creamy Cum Crepes require copious amounts of ejaculate to attain that finely nuanced jizz flavor we all appreciate from childhood. Since the taste quickly deteriorates, Mr. Photenhauer suggests freezing several days worth of semen in the refrigerator. WWHM concurs, but suggests you store them opposite the ice cubes. There's nothing worse than catching your grandmother sipping a Crown on the rocks only to proclaim "This tastes like my goddamn honeymoon."
Natural Harvest contains 60 full pages of semen recipes, most of which are stuck together like the pages of a 1984 Penthouse at an all-boys summer church camp. The straight edition comes with a centerfold of Rachel Ray nude, and the gay edition comes with a centerfold featuring a beautiful sectional couch surrounded by several lovely New Hampshire antiques. And Rachel Ray nude.
While the website boasts the book measures 9" by 7", it arrived measuring only 5" by 3". The postman apologized and said "it was really, really cold outside."
If you'd like to see the actual book and read some hilarious commentary, please visit here.
If you'd like to peruse the first 20 pages, including recipes and a lovely photograph of spermed oysters, please click here.
Please link to the National Harvest Cookbook through WWHM to help spread the word, and we'll be back tomorrow to present you with more pathetic WWHM personal ads!