Thursday, August 21, 2008

Barf or Smile: Part Deux

Ready for Right Now

I desire to find you now.I am going to give up soooo much just to meet you and take a chance on true love. I have shed tears every time I read a romantic greeting card because I do not have someone to tell those beautiful things to-(ok i feel like crying)!! The next lady to connect with me will be the happiest on the planet because I have learned soo much being in a loveless relationship. I can't wait to snuggle with you. And kiss you lightly. And breathe slowly as I whisper how much I love your eyes. Whew...thanks for reading this and if interested send me a note.

Uh-oh.

I knew I shouldn't have played Scrabble in that fragrant puddle of zephyr excrement. Because suddenly I feel violently ill.

But was it the zephyr dumplings? Or was it something else? I felt really good at first, but suddenly got really sick. Like when I used to play "Name That Gland" with my Cub Scout Troop Leader.

Maybe it was something I read. Something cheesy and totally unappetizing, like an old Beef Hot Pocket wrapped in a bad personal ad, served with a bowl of twice-salted horse shit and a bucket of starched muenster.

At first this personal ad mimicked a dainty quail feather dusting lightly against my esophagus. It tickled, like a baby bunny giggling sawdust from his nostrils into my eustachian tubes. Warm waves of hope and sunshine licked at my heart like trickling aqua waves spilling onto the shore of a summer pond in a cool breeze.

But my stomach began to gurgle and pulse when he took a chance on true love, and I took a chance not running to the toilet with my finger in my mouth and my cheeks blown full of partially digested Doritos.

He shed tears as he read a greeting card, but I had no tears to shed as I had already extracted my own eyeballs with a rusty garden trowel and grated them on an industrial cheese slicer to forever sear the images of his faulty prose from my synapses.

He wanted to snuggle. I wanted to beat his grandmother with a Christmas rake.

He wanted to kiss you lightly. I wanted to donkey-punch a newborn giraffe in the appendix.

He wanted to whisper in your ear. I wanted to detach from society, build a nest in my laundry hamper, lie in the fetal position, and lick the scant moisture from a satchel of skinned grapes until I withered away from scurvy.

Maybe I'm over-reacting. But these estrogen-fueled pantywaists posting their sing-song suck-up sonnets and dreamy haikus need to stop gurgling Massengill and climb off their My Pretty Pony for a second and realize that while I may think you're a pussy, women think you're even more of a pussy than I do.

Women have enough drama with one pussy as it is. They don't need another one.

15 comments:

Nosnikta said...

Where DO you come up with these things???

*** lick the scant moisture from a satchel of skinned grapes ***

Too funny!

Sorry, but I like a man who is more of a man than I am. I have chick friends, and I don't want to have to console my man when he's feeling emotional too! Gah!

nip/tuck said...

Yeesh! I'm right there with ya, nosnikta! Suck it up! (Probably not the best word choice, but you know what I mean...)

He shed tears as he read a greeting card, but I had no tears to shed as I had already extracted my own eyeballs with a rusty garden trowel and grated them on an industrial cheese slicer to forever sear the images of his faulty prose from my synapses.

Weasel, your synapses will never be the same again. Now, every time you walk by the card aisle in the drug store, you'll suddenly get the urge to cuddle the nearest shopper and whisper vomit-inducing words until security arrives.

CutNJump said...

>>Maybe I'm over-reacting. But these estrogen-fueled pantywaists posting their sing-song suck-up sonnets and dreamy haikus need to stop gurgling Massengill and climb off their My Pretty Pony for a second and realize that while I may think you're a pussy, women think you're even more of a pussy than I do.

Women have enough drama with one pussy as it is. They don't need another one.<<


Sheer Genius!

Yep I want a man who is manlier, (word?) more manly, than I am.

I dated a guy like this once. ONCE! during and after high school. Talk about being weirded out All the Time.

I couldn't do anything, he did everything for me. It drove me insane. He was more like a personal servant or slave than anything.

Women like attention, but not too much- which equals fawning, drooling and worshipping their feet like an overzealous puppy who hasn't seen you all week.

Lynda said...

I briefly dated a guy like this in the Air Force. After the third date he told me how he told his parents about us and how we were going to get married and yada, yada, yada... I think I stopped listening after he said marriage....

I broke it off with him right then and there... too bad I didnt do the same with a guy or two later... would have saved me much aggrevation over the course of 10 years...

Kokorami said...

Honestly, which is worse, the clueless ones who think they can use the "I'm a rich spoiled bastard" script, or the "I'm sobbing without you" script?

Yes!

-sigh- at least _this_ fool didn't rely on plant life screensavers.

huneybumper said...

how could you sleep with a guy like this? Sensetive is good, fawning limp wristed asshole is a whole other subject. My best friend is gay and he's more manly than this one!!!

CaliGirl9 said...

This guy no doubt bursts into tears after an orgasm, worried that he's about to hurt the feelings of millions of sperm doomed to failure following a self-inflicted hand job ...

Nosnikta said...

Lynda, I dated a Navy guy just like this too. After one week he asked me to marry him. He told his ex-wife we were going to get married too.

He had a beautiful singing voice and a nice butt, but omg.. when I saw him eat ice cream and let it gather in the corners of his mouth like some smegma-pot, I couldn't look at him any more.

I escaped him, and two weeks later when I called to arrange to get some CDs back to him... HIS WIFE ANSWERED! He had ALREADY found some other stupid woman and married her!

Gawd.... I hope she likes smegma ice cream.

ness said...

Caligirl, thanks, you just made me snort hot coffee thru my nose. Oh poor poor spermies!!!I too dated a guy that was very sensitive but I had the good sense to spend all his money before I dumped his ass. I since found out that he "married"his boyfriend, makes me wonder if I did that to him! I think it was there but I helped speed up the process a little.

CaliGirl9 said...

Ness, when I was a teenager, there was a guy who had a crush on me (unrequited on my part) and a guy I had a crush on (unrequited on his part). Both ended up gay. To this day I wonder if I was indeed the common thread LOL

Lynda said...

Nos Im just glad I never let him take anything of mine. I mean we never slept together and he's telling everyone we were getting married... Then after I broke his little heart... or so I was told all the guys I worked with were mad at me! Im like..hello.... Of course I was the only woman working with about 100 guys and they all knew about it! But they never knew about the Capt I dated quite seriously... hehehehehe. Such was the life of a KC-135 Aircraft Mechanic! I do miss those days...

CutNJump said...

Nos- the one I dated was in the Navy too! He hated being called 'Popeye' though... so I did every chance I got of course. As well as singing the song.

Nosnikta said...

LMAO... "toot toot!"

Nick said...

"It tickled, like a baby bunny giggling sawdust from his nostrils into my eustachian tubes."

"I wanted to donkey-punch a newborn giraffe in the appendix."

"I wanted to detach from society, build a nest in my laundry hamper, lie in the fetal position, and lick the scant moisture from a satchel of skinned grapes until I withered away from scurvy."

This post is an absolute classic...one of your best yet. I never understood in middle school why they kept droning on about similes, metaphors, and the like. Now I understand. You are the master of the "literary devices." Keep up the good work.

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