Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Mr. Spontaneity

I am a professional male.

I get off of work on Fridays at 3 p.m., so I am looking for someone that is within 10 minutes of downtown. I have to be back at home at 5p.m. So if I get to your place at about 3:15, that would give us roughly 45 minutes before I would have to leave in order to make it home at 5. I am disease free, and like wearing a condom. I do not have one with me since I am at work now, so it would be required that you have one for me to wear. I will check my email at 2 p.m. and respond to you by 2:30. Right before I leave work at 3, I will email you letting you know I am on my way. AJ.

I don't think this is the kind of guy you want to call for hot, spontaneous sex. But if you ever need to know the subway schedule, definitely put his ass on speed dial.

I think a lot of women have finally figured out that if they truly want variety in the bedroom, they'll have to install a salad bar.

You see, women tend to thrive on sexual spontaneity. You never see a man bragging that he got fucked so hard in the car last night that he woke up with the word "Nissan" plastered across his jawline. Why? Because women love to know that a man wants them so badly they cannot control themselves. Women don't want sex planned out all the time. And if that means head-butting 37 cantaloupe-shaped skull dents in the Hyatt service elevator, so be it.

In AJ's personal ad, we can deduce that spontaneity isn't his specialty. He's about as spontaneous as the ritual preparation of a Thanksgiving Day turkey. Which, ironically, might make it easier for him to fuck you, because if he fucked you in a 4 inch pan lined with carrots and rotated you every thirty minutes, at least he'd know he was following the proper directions. But either way, I guarantee you his stuffing would somehow end up leaving you dry.

All women know the same-tired-recipe guys like AJ. He plans sex for 9PM sharp, and "foreplay" commences at 8:59 when he dislodges his penis from his Hagar wrinkle-free slacks and lets it dangle like a breeze-blown windsock in front of your face. He then looks at you, then back at his dick, and then back at you, implying that perhaps his penis contains some kind of miracle youth cream you should be begging for.

You want him to do something new like talk dirty to you, but all he can come up with is "Your vagina feels like a nicely waxed car seat", murmured with all the monotone conviction of the Prudential Insurance Automated Helpline.

You want him to start by nibbling on your ears for a change, and instead he juices up his tongue and dives for dopamine in your ear canal like he's forcing a garden slug into the smallest available cheesehole in a large chunk of swiss.

You want him to finally go down on you, and he laps at you like a dog licking the knee of a crying, wounded child. Ironic in that they both think they are helping you feel better, but in reality, all they're really doing is slopping a bunch of saliva on something that would really be better off if you just left it alone.

For guys like this, it's all about the finished product (his orgasm), but with no focus on the process (yours).

So AJ, you're not stirring any fallopians here with your well-planned, timed-to-the-minute sexual encounter. But I do have an idea of something spontaneous you could do. How about you go home and fuck your wife?

Funny how you didn't mention that in your ad.

Douche.

22 comments:

Nosnikta said...

OMG LMAO... the ear nibbling description has me rolling!!!! "dopamine, slug, cheesehole" roflmao!

My dang phone keeps ringing and I'm having to stifle guffaws and giggles to put my "phone voice" on to help customers. Sheer torture! lmao

At least I've got a smile on my face when picking up the phone! (snort)... see? this is helping my phone etiquette roflmao!

CutNJump said...

My dang phone keeps ringing and I'm having to stifle guffaws and giggles to put my "phone voice" on to help customers. Sheer torture! lmao

~~~~~~~~

Just stiffled myself while answering the phone and reading the part about the dog and slopping saliva on something that woule be better left alone. Almost laughed at the customer on the other end of the line.

Weael you're gonna get us both canned if we don't do it ourselves with some of the comments!

CutNJump said...

Nosnikta- you and I would have certainly been the type to sit in the back of the class and blurt out comments disrupting things at every given opprotunity.

High Five!

Nosnikta said...

SNORT lol.... I still get in trouble for that.

Yep, I imagine we could have gotten in a lot of trouble together.

High Five Back At Ya!!!!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>You see, women tend to thrive on sexual spontaneity. You never see a man bragging that he got fucked so hard in the car last night that he woke up with the word "Nissan" plastered across his jawline. Why? Because women love to know that a man wants them so badly they cannot control themselves. Women don't want sex planned out all the time. And if that means head-butting 37 cantaloupe-shaped skull dents in the Hyatt service elevator, so be it.<<

Oh my GOD, that is so true!

and just for the record, I am forty one and have so far met exactly two guys who understand the above.

Sad. Very sad.

CaliGirl9 said...

I'm thinking this winner would be better off with a pillow in his office that he launders or replaces frequently, or one of those "celebrity" blow-up sex dolls, 'cause those are about the only two things interested in his timetable and "technique."
Except for maybe his poor wife who hopefully has a very nice vibrator in her bedside table, and knows where and how to use it ...

CutNJump said...

Caligirl- That's probably why he needs something to fill in the 3:15 to 4pm time slot. His wife has her battery operated boyfriend or BOB as she calls him.

BOB gets her off and she's well past done by the time this ass gets home.

My bet is- he's not man enough to take care of his own needs.

horsegal said...

LMAO. Never has an ad just screamed "I am an anal controlling jackass who is married" quite like this one...

LOVE fugly's response.. rofl. I'm with ya, girl.

Gaaaawwwdddddd, I love this blog.

Anonymous said...

I know something that will keep you busy until three, and a reason you'd have to be home by five.

It's called high school.

Lynda said...

Well if he's posting this at work... does that mean he's taking that photo at work? Like ewwww... oh wait.. what a hoot if his boss walks in on him right now! LOL

jessica said...

Professional male as opposed to what? an amateur male? How much does that gig pay anyway? Especially for a prime specimen such as this.

Anonymous said...

I think you can actually see the guy's wedding ring in the picture. Otherwise I'd agree with anonymous about high school... this guy looks pretty young. I don't understand why people even get married.

MinxyQ said...

AJ....you know, there sre professionals who provide exactly the service you are seeking....most likely 10 minutes, or even less, from your office....they can even give you a discrete receipt.

MinxyQ said...

Weasel, so glad you swirled his privates, his wife probably reads this blog and will still never know her husband is a (prospective) two-timing slime-ball.

Nosnikta said...

LMAO... yeah... private-swirling is about as effective as Adam West slapping on his Batman mask, or Clark Kent sliding in to his tights in a phone booth.

Oh my!!!! I sure don't recognize them NOW!!!!

CutNJump said...

Weasel I still say Not swirling their faces is the way to go. If they are in fact cheating and they get caught either here or by someone they know pointing it out to their wife, fiance` or girlfriend, then all the better and you saved someone a lifetime of deception, guilt and mislayed trust.

Thank you for swirling out their privates- if only they felt it as it was being done. Then maybe the number of ads with visible or displayed man bits would stop...

Nosnikta said...

(snort) "man bits" lololololol

CutNJump said...

I say man bits, because, well, this is the only 'bit' about them that may be considered 'manly' in even the most obscure way.

*headdesk*

Anonymous said...

This guy looks exactly like my ex-husband, who also had the initials AJ, and ex who is an ex specifically because he had a problem keeping it in his pants during supposed "working hours. So much does he resemble said ex, in fact, that I am actually trying to decide if it is, in fact him, and if I should, in fact, send a link to this post to some "mutual friends" that know his new wife.

It's really uncanny how close the resemblance is.

Anonymous said...

if a guy needs to be home by five he's either living with his parents or married. DUH

Monica A said...

Let's see if I've got a firm grasp (pardon the pun) on the situation:

1. Guy is posting a sex ad at work early Friday afternoon.

2. Like many other office people, he's cutting out a bit early on Friday.

3. He's got 45 minutes tops to fuck (and if he's as mechanical in bed as he is in his writing, he brings a whole new definition to "sex machine"), before

4. He has to make it home to his wife. Because he can't be late to dinner, now can he?

Your dose of lunacy said...

Wow. His timing really sucks. It just so happens that between 3:15 and 4 I have an appointment to get my vagina welded shut.