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I thought today was going to be a great day.
I woke up early without morning wood, peacefully stuck my head out the window, and whistled along with several colorful songbirds. Two young lambs danced under my window and playfully head-butted each other. My toast came out perfectly browned.
I had a cup of coffee in my satin robe while sitting on my porch in the sun. Young, nubile Polynesian girls intermittently fed me perfectly cubed melon slices and rubbed my temples with plain organic yogurt. I cracked open a Fortune Cookie. My fortune said "Life is good." And it was.
Then I opened my email.
It took a while to register. What is this? An eyeball? An octopus? An enchilada? Is it a.... a .....oh no.
Storm clouds gathered. A wayward dog walked into my study and shit on my loafers. I got a parking ticket. My girlfriend got season passes to the ballet.
Publisher's Clearing House showed up in a Yugo with a check for a dime. Extenz infomercials on every channel. My Mom called me to tell me about bowel troubles. One of the Polynesian girls whipped out her cock and slapped it on my the forehead.
I crawled outside into the pouring rain on my hands and knees. I reached skyward and extended my arms towards the heavens. "Why God? Why do I do this goddamned blog?" I screamed.
The clouds parted, and a beam of bright light struck my forehead. A booming voice bellowed out "Because, motherfucker, someone has to expose these fucking disgusting shitbags to the babes. I chose you. Now get back to work you little whiny poo. And I command you to create a WWHM Hall of Fame, featuring the worst of the worst, and the best of the worst. Now go away, I'm watching the Brazilian Olympic beach volleyball team."
And so it was. Further nominations are now being accepted. For the Best (or Worst) of WWHM. On the left.
Automatic first inductions awarded to Tim's Hairy Snack Shack, The Cunning Linguist, Dirty Job, and Show-Off, just for being mind-bogglingly disgusting.
I'm going back to bed. To fondle my man-tits.
46 comments:
Sweet Jesus....His tits are biogger than mine, and I just a kid! (Think porn start tits)
Nothing will get that image out of my head. Awesome.
EEEK. EEEEEEK. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK............
OMG I've been reading this blog for about a month now and never felt moved to comment. Now I feel moved to vomit. Weasel keep up the good work, at this rate of vomiting the diet will work in no time.
Huneybumper-
Between the vomiting and the sudden lack of appetite that one receives after reading these, its a great way to shed the pounds!
ooops-just noticed something-in my original post I forgot the word "had"...I just *had* a kid-Im not a kid with porn star boobs. I guess thats what I get for typing without sleep and no coffee....
Thank God Ryan. I was not only afraid a kid was reading my blog, but I was afraid a kid had porn star tits
ryan- thanks for clearing that up! I was worried there for a sec. And his boobs are bigger than mine too! EWWWWWW
Sorry to scare everyone!!! I couldn't believe I did that!! Don't worry Weasel-I don't let my 3 yr old or newborn daughters see this. Unfortunatley, they will have to find out how freakish guys can be on their own.
I hope I never have daughters. They will never see the light of day.
Goodnight people.
GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou for NOT putting this at the top of the page!!!!!!
I haven't even read the dang thing yet. I'm a little fearful.
lolololololol... omg. Polynesian girls whapping you in the head with her cock lmao.
This was incredibly funny! I was envisioning little cartoon bunnies and bluebirds too.
The boob is really scary. I'm STILL grateful it's not at the top of my page. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou
The guy across the hall from my office has man-boobs. My brother works here too and when I told him and his friends about the moobs they didn't believe me. NOW they are ticked at me because their curiousity got the best of them and forced them to look roflmao.
I don't understand how they COULDN'T notice! I have no doubt they look like this once the shirt comes off..... I'm told his grandkids even tell him he has to play on the "shirts" team in basketball.
(sigh)... yes, I'm going straight to hell.
Hey - I am the one who found that ad, I will see you in hell!
Well! at least all my friends will be there! :-)
Be sure to bring a horse or two - we will need something to ride!
I lovingly refer to my Paint mare as Hell-Bitch... she can come too. I'll have to draw straws on who else gets to go!
Weasel,
This has got to be one of the worst ads ever, but some of your best writing! Thanks for making me laugh.
Ok I seen the pick and busted up laughing! I was able to stifle myself before all the 'important people' came back into the office.
*whew*
All I can say is have one, outstanding rule of thumb-
MY boobs are ALWAYS bigger than HIS!
Back to read the ad, with a sticky note over the pick so I may get all the way through it...
If a woman has boobies that big, a bra is a must.
Why isn't that fine specimen of manhood required to wear a bra? That's just nasty!
I agree with Caligirl- If we gotta cover up ours- he should definately keep those things under wraps as well.
Weasel- I was with ya up to the part about the day going to hell after opening up the email. I lost it after that... brilliant. Good thing my drink is - o v e r t h e r e... !!!
Did y'all know... you can turn hysterical laughter into a raging, I am choking to death on something invisible and unknown, coughing fit?
Yep! It worked great. I still have a job. At least for now.
Nos- you cruel bitch! Telling a guy about such things will only peak interest and make them look. You should know this by now.
BTW- you can keep the straws, I already have long since reserved my ride and retirement spot.
*** Nos- you cruel bitch! Telling a guy about such things will only peak interest and make them look. You should know this by now ***
(HEE HEE HEE) Of course I know this. After 42 years I still enjoy torturing my baby brother any way I can lmao.
I once commented about the bulge in another guy's pants (another co-worker). Bro and friends flung their heads back in protest screaming GAH!, tried to cover their ears and sing "la la la" but did they look then? YOU BETCHER SWEET BIPPY THEY DID!
:-D yes, I'm evil lmao... but it's soooooo much fun!
MY EYES!!!!!!
oh...holy fish paste!
that nearly made me vomit on my printer!!
I have older brothers. Still just as fun and easy to torture in much the same ways...
Weasel, the only comfort I can take in this particular ad, is that this guy is cruising for other guys, not women.
That picture of his huge moob with hair on it really gave me the heebie-jeebies.
Seriously, I may need brain bleach now, to get that image out of my mind.
Where is the projectile vomiting icon when you need it?
I don't even think those deserve to be called moobs... they're on a whole different level. Mits, or mooters, or something. Mockers maybe? They're huge! At least you had me laughing.
A booming voice bellowed out "Because, motherfucker, someone has to expose these fucking disgusting shitbags to the babes. I chose you. Now get back to work you little whiny poo. And I command you to create a WWHM Hall of Fame, featuring the worst of the worst, and the best of the worst. Now go away, I'm watching the Brazilian Olympic beach volleyball team."
OMG!
Anyhow, here's my nomination for the hall of (no) shame:
A Phyne Phellow to Phulfill Your Phantasies
Wow nip/tuck.
That's going WAYYYYY back.
It's so strange that the ones I never imagine people would care for actually find to be the best.
It was really strange back then writing for ten people. I think it made it easier.
If you haven't read the archives, heres the one nip/tuck is talking about, I think it was my ninth entry on WWHM, from the very first week I wrote it.
http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/2008/02/fulfilling-your-fantasies.html
OMFG! At first, I thought those were pics of the size tits he was looking for...then I noticed they were hairy. I figured that the post would be some guy with a hairy tit fetish, which would definitely be quality material, but this was just beyond belief! What woman wants to TOUCH those?! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Pass the brain bleach.
They're bigger than mine. You know how some women have the rule that they don't date anyone shorter than they are? I have just decided that I will NEVER date anyone with man boobs that would spill out of my bras like a 15 pound cat in a size 5 shoe box.
It's highly reassuring that I will have so much good company in hell. I have a WICKED sense of humor. As in laughing at a news report of a woman hit and killed by a cement truck because it's a cartoon-character type death. Wonder if she held up a sign that said "yikes" before it creamed her.
We may be scattered across the country now, but when we croak, we'll have the pleasure of meeting face to face and roasting marshmallows.
Merridyn-
I am bringing stuff for S'mores!
I laugh when the reporters say a person was 'shot dead'.
As opposed to what?
Being shot back to life? How much would that save you in hospital bills? A few rounds from a 38, 44, 45, how about a shotgun or hunting rifle... Can't cost nearly as much as an asprin and a band-aid!
Seriously.
WTF?
Oh and it seemed we had a series of deaths here of people being hit by garbage trucks.
Like you can't see one of THOSE coming at you?
Maybe there is a reason they got plowed by the trucks...
Now I'm going to have nightmares, and it's all your fault, even though my face hurts from laughing that hard.
Hey...we might be able to make a match for two of these lerv-starved bachelors, so maybe some of those ads DO work: I wonder if the man from a few entries back
http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/2008/
07/so-what-is-it-already.html would be willing to consider this guy...
Oh, and Cut/jump? Merridyn? Good, but it still can't top the story I remember from about 10 years ago, can't find the clipping, of a man in Columbus run down by a street-sweeper. No, I'm not making that up.
EWWWWWW!!!!
It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this world. :-D (snort!)
Oh no Macktruck - dude was cruising for women. I sent the ad to Weasel from MOntana CL Casual Encounters MforW!!!
Three words...
Oh
My
GOD.
'nuff said.
4thehorses said...
Oh no Macktruck - dude was cruising for women.
I just wonder what the hell makes this guy think women would want to play with His boobs, when we each come equipped with two of our own?
They may be different sizes, real or augmented, but we each have our own boobies to play with as we wish, why would we need or want his?
Just think what would happen if he got cold...*shudders* Can't you just imagine getting your eye poked out by his hard nipples on a cold day?
Even if you see it only in your mind, it appears that you can't "un-see" it. *shudders again*
I agree with CNJ--we women have enough of our own boobies if we so desire to play with them.
And heck, if you're 27 and under, it's okey dokey to play with your friend's boobs now as well!
Holy crap batman that thing has to be about a D-cup!!! How the hell is a gal suppose to compete with that?? Forget the damn brain bleach I think I'm going to have to go with electroshock therapy. I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone that way!! I don't know though if it got cold enough Mr. Moobs there might be able to knock a few birds out himself or at least maybe leave them a nice to roost for the night. EEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!
I don't know Weasel after reading this blog I think I'm having an identity crisis!! My boobs are smaller than this guys, my pussy is less of one compared to some of these guys, I'm definitely not as in touch with my feminine side as I don't cry reading cards or every night at how beautiful I am...WTF is a girl suppose to think?? LOL
From the looks of things he has a nice gut going for him too.
My question is this, does he set his beer on top of his gut and between his moobs as a drink holder?
Mine have been rather useful this way lately... Only a few more weeks that I can take advantage of this.
I am shelfless.
When I drop food it goes straight to the floor. The dogs are happy I have nothing to set my beer on or between.
I do have an aunt whom could carry a six-pack on her butt though.
Imagine that- a six pack ass!
I have seen a few who could probably fit a cooler up/back there.
Great! When I see one from now on, that will be all I can think of...
:-D
Womankind's only possible reaction to this visual atrocity:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aspY10N036g
DUDE! gimme the goddamn cute cat first if you're gonna hit me with that!
there are no words to express how angry i am with you right now.
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