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I thought today was going to be a great day.
I woke up early without morning wood, peacefully stuck my head out the window, and whistled along with several colorful songbirds. Two young lambs danced under my window and playfully head-butted each other. My toast came out perfectly browned.
I had a cup of coffee in my satin robe while sitting on my porch in the sun. Young, nubile Polynesian girls intermittently fed me perfectly cubed melon slices and rubbed my temples with plain organic yogurt. I cracked open a Fortune Cookie. My fortune said "Life is good." And it was.
Then I opened my email.
It took a while to register. What is this? An eyeball? An octopus? An enchilada? Is it a.... a .....oh no.
Storm clouds gathered. A wayward dog walked into my study and shit on my loafers. I got a parking ticket. My girlfriend got season passes to the ballet.
Publisher's Clearing House showed up in a Yugo with a check for a dime. Extenz infomercials on every channel. My Mom called me to tell me about bowel troubles. One of the Polynesian girls whipped out her cock and slapped it on my the forehead.
I crawled outside into the pouring rain on my hands and knees. I reached skyward and extended my arms towards the heavens. "Why God? Why do I do this goddamned blog?" I screamed.
The clouds parted, and a beam of bright light struck my forehead. A booming voice bellowed out "Because, motherfucker, someone has to expose these fucking disgusting shitbags to the babes. I chose you. Now get back to work you little whiny poo. And I command you to create a WWHM Hall of Fame, featuring the worst of the worst, and the best of the worst. Now go away, I'm watching the Brazilian Olympic beach volleyball team."
And so it was. Further nominations are now being accepted. For the Best (or Worst) of WWHM. On the left.
Automatic first inductions awarded to Tim's Hairy Snack Shack, The Cunning Linguist, Dirty Job, and Show-Off, just for being mind-bogglingly disgusting.
I'm going back to bed. To fondle my man-tits.