Sunday, August 10, 2008

If You Can Beat This.............Post It

The Salad Shitter

I have quite a few female friends, and consequently, I get to hear all of their worst fucking dating nightmares.

Some of the shit I've heard just fucking astounds me.

And I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill "guy who has no money to pay for the date", or the "guy who throws up on a date" stories, because I think all women have had those dates.

At this point, I barely register an inkling of surprise if a girl tells me a guy whipped his sorry excuse for a cock out and slapped her in the forehead 15 minutes into their first date. It almost seems de rigueur these days.

Anyway, I recently got to spend a weekend hanging out with a couple female friends of mine down in San Diego. They are both single, blonde, and ridiculously hot. As usual, we all began discussing our dating lives. And believe me, these girls get asked out a lot.

You'd think that any guy blessed with the opportunity to date one of these girls would make sure he played his cards right at every juncture of a date. That's what you'd think, but remember, these are the same old fucking douchebag guys we make fun of every day on this blog.

Blonde A proceeded to tell me a story about a guy she had dated briefly. The guy was quirky, but lacking a better alternative, she eventually invited the guy over for dinner with her parents.

Dinner was served, and everyone began chowing down. But midway through dinner, Mr. Meet The Parents gets up from the table. He grabs his bowl of salad, his fork, and heads to the bathroom. And he is gone for an extended period of time. After 10 minutes or so, he returns to the table with his empty bowl and fork.

The oddity of what had transpired was obvious to everyone but the offender. He had actually elected to get up during a meal with her parents, take his salad to the bathroom as he took a shit, finished his salad while he sat in there, and returned to the table as though nothing out of the ordinary had just transpired.

Un-fucking-believable.

Anyway, well over 1,000 women read WWHM on an average day, so I want to hear the worst of the worst. If you can beat that, please post it in the comments.

44 comments:

Jane said...

Actually, I might have a winner:

I briefly (one date or two) dated a creep who not only complained about the cajun Mardi Gras dinner I took him out to, not only called me a drunk when I opened a tab at the bar, not only accused me of eating too much dessert...

not only excused himself after making out with me once he determined it was not going to immediately lead to sex and (take some time to read this carefully) went to my bathroom to masturbate...

BUT...he later went on to make a slew of accounting and engineering analogies to try to explain why I should be having sex with him. Something about getting a good return on investments? And something about being a good engineer and getting my product (sex) on the market soon? Yikes.

ChevyGirl said...

I dont know if this one tops anything or not but here I go. I dated a guy who was 5 years older than me [physically not mentally], he claimed he was a god fearing christian [but he wasnt] and all this other good stuff. We went to church one sunday evening, went out for just a hamburger at Macdonalds [puking face here], and then home. Next thing I know, the poor 1 inch bastard wanted to screw. So I tried, and i mean I tried not to laugh. The sucker took his pants off tried to put a condem on, couldnt do it, so he just said forget it. I proceded to see how far this could go, and tried again without condem. Needless to say, I never even needed the condem. Nope he could not find "the hole" if you know what I mean, screwed my thigh, got off something that could not even be called a spot of cum [poor unlucky bastard screwed my thigh for 5 seconds and got off], then of course passed out on my bed. Me, well I am mean. Miss meanie bitch pants. I took a picture of his naked ass half slumped on my bed adn half slumped on the flea ridden floor and then emailed it to his pastor. But yes, I actually found a guy out there that could not find the hole. I dumped him shortly thereafter because if you cant please a woman then you need to get out of dodge. Although there was another guy, that thought it was funny when my hip popped out of place and he wanted to video tape it. Me I was wanting him to pop it back in place, and all this transpired there again during sex. Weasel, I need to send you sound tracks of the men I fuck. You would freaking roll. In this little podunk redneck town I live in [think south park but worse], I have so far found more unusual men then I did on Long Island for craps sake. These poor rednecks have been screwing the local wildlife for to long. We need more women around here to help them out. SOS - send out sluts!

Spotted_T_Apps said...

Worst date ever. 2nd date with a guy, his parents had tickets to a dinner show. OK, no biggie, I can go to dinner with the parents. On the way there, his 13 yr old daughter calls to ask where he's at. He says we're almost there. What? Daughter will be there? Yep. Ok, again, odd for a 2nd date, but not a big deal.

He procedes to tell me a story about some black boys making leud comments to her, and he uses the "N" word. Of course, coupled with "I'm not racist, but..."

When we got there he ordered his first of several mixed drinks. He had finished his third before we had finished our salads. When I say we, I mean the rest of us, because he didn't eat all night. I mentioned, he should watch the alchohol consumption, since he was driving me. I was not to worry, because he never gets drunk.

Throughout the course of the evening, I was entertained, not by the singers on stage, but by my date, whose goal it was to talk above the singers, repeatedly saying "nigger" and talking about the people at our table and the surrounding tables. Loud enough for all to hear.

He discussed the older woman and her much younger date at our table. About how he had a grin on his face because he could still taste the "fish" on his flavor savor. He discussed all of this with his 13 yr old daughter.

He had a conversation with his 13 yr old daughter about how he wasn't gay, if he was she wouldn't be there and he'd be taking some "cock up the ass."

When I tried to figure out how many drinks he had, I lost count at 13.

I convinced him to leave at intermission. A friend of the family had stopped to talk to his father, and my date was saying rude things about him, right NEXT to him.

I was mortified for his father and mother. I was mortified for myself. I then had to argue with him about my driving myself home. I didn't give a flying fuck if he killed himself on the way home, but not me. I had to dodge a goodnight kiss and went for an akward hug.

The following weekend I pulled out my jeans to wear again (after all, I had only had them on for 2 hours). There was a brown streak on them which I finally determined to be chewing tobacco, from my lovely date the weekend before.

Nosnikta said...

Dang... I can't top any of these. Unfuckingreal! lolol

One "fond" memory is of a guy who wanted to have sex and begged me "Please, because it won't take long, I promise". LMAO snort.. hmmm ok, NOT!

Oh... one fun date was a cop who spent the evening practicing cop-moves on me. I finally got sick of him pulling his macho crap on me and flipped him on the ground when he tried to put me in a full-nelson. Dumbass.

4thehorses said...

Feces and food just do not mix, that's why the toilet is NOT in the kitchen, asshat. I geuss I am lucky with my guys, the only thing I can complain about is bunny humping, I hate that!!! So many guys do that, what's up boys???

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Nope, I can't beat that. Not even close. That is just...ewwww. Just...ewwww.

Kokorami said...

I think the word "aghasted" fits nicely here.

CutNJump said...

And here I thought the ex-con living with his parents, sister and her kids, no money for the lunch date and trying to break into the pool table, was bad.

Or Mr. Tract Home with the corvette, mother living upstairs and willingly confined to her room, small dick from overuse of Rogain and hair plugs, was bad.

Or Mr. Viagra Booty call and thought we had so much more than that, was bad.

Or Ned the Wino who would drink so much he was horny but had no chance in hell of getting it up for even bad sex, was bad.

Or Mr. Responsibility who acted like a parent rather than a boyfriend..., was bad.


But taking your salad to the bathroom so you can eat while you shit? THAT'S BEYOND BAD!!!



At least Ned got his due one night. After getting schnockered off his ass at the bar and coming home, he passed out on the hood of my truck in my driveway. I was beyond pissed. It started to rain. That wasn't enough for me so my cousin says go get the sprinkler and set it next to the truck.

Ol' bitchy me, I go one better- take the sprinkler off, crank the hose full blast and soaked his ass down. Head to toe- three times. There he layed still passed out, sprawled out over the hood. That's where I left him with his pants around his ankles everything soaking wet, in the driveway.

Shannon said...

Well, this didn't happen to me, but to a friend of mine. She had just gotten off work and was chilling at one of the neighborhood bars when she stuck up a conversation with one of the bartenders. they talked and flirted for a while, and eventually it was decided that when he got off work they would go back to her place and maybe get something going. So finally they close down the bar and head over, walk upstairs, go inside. he then proceeds to head to the bathroom and stay in there for 25 minutes, dropping what must have been one of the illest deuces to transpire in my friend's bathroom. When he's done he practically walks by her and is like, "bye" and out through the door. That's it. Kicker is, I was a regular at this guy's bar. It was so hard to look at him with a straight face after that, I kinda stopped going. If I was a little meaner I might have busted his balls, but oh well.

Appybutt said...

I am agasted. By ALL of your stories. I can't even begin to top them!

Nosnikta said...

You should have entitled this "The Salad Shitter".

Weasel said...

Holy crap nosnikta- it was supposed to say that- I didn't even catch it.

Changed.

Good catch.

Nosnikta said...

(snort)... "Holy crap".... good one! lmao

CutNJump said...

You two think too much alike!

Nosnikta said...

I'm not sure which one of us should be more afraid. :-|

Walk On said...

Hmm..my worse case...guy I'd known for a few years, and dated for about a year. He had started to talk things like "what would you name our kids?" and "when we get a place, what area would you like to move to?" which I took to mean he may be serious. (Silly me, right?)

So this one night we're supposed to meet at our usual hang out w/ the usual crowd. I show up, he acts like he can't even see me, refuses to look in my direction but he's all over this piece of trash I've never seen before. Hair that hasn't been washed in like a year, clothes two sizes too small, and an easy 300 pounds. OMG.

Finally I'm like "hello? Do you see me?" right up in my face. He introduces me to his "soul mate" who he "accidently" ended up sleeping with a few days ago and realized he needed her in his life "forever".

(How does a guy accidently sleep with a chick anyway? What, you rolled over and fell in?!)

He then proceeds to tell me that if I really loved him, I would love her as much as he does, and wouldn't it be great, she already has two kids so I can experience being a mother without ever having to go through all that labor stuff myself.

The kids - one 10 month, one a baby- were fathered by a guy in jail for selling crack.

He thought we'd all live together and have just a grand old time. The real surprise was how shocked he was when I told him what he could do with this idea.

Yeah. Okay. Here's the kicker. Trash mama was living in *someone else's* mobile home. She didn't work, lived on welfare, and stayed in their living room. The kids were alive only because of food stamps.

Ex didn't have a job worth mentioning, I made three times as much as he did.

So the bottom line is that he thought I was gonna fund his new found family in exchange for his once a month, 10 minute performance.

He actually stood there w/ his jaw dropped when I told him NO. First he tried weedling, then he actually got angry enough to try to ORDER me to "show common sense and have an open mind about life".

I laughed in his face, he then dumped me (so he claimed) because I was emotionally immature, spiritually underdevloped, and too into myself. I was "ungreatful" for the wonderful chance he gave me to improve someone else's life.

No thanks, gave at the office.

Weasel said...

Wow.

I knew there'd be some doozies.

Man, I would fucking like to spill the beans on my worst ever, but all my exes read this fucking thing.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

OK, if we're not just talking dates but craziest male behavior ever...

My ex of 14 years, an attorney, is now married to a woman who, although she is also an attorney, is also such a big uncontrollable drunk that they went on vacation with his kids and their spouses/significant others and ...

wait for it...

She peed on the floor of the hotel room in the middle of the night. Yes, seriously. Like an unhousebroken dog.

Guys, if that what y'all want to marry, I truly do get now why I am single. And it's okay!

And she's a size 14 and I'm a 2 or a 4. And his kids hate her and love me. Dude, WTF?

CutNJump said...

As much as you would love to spill it Weasel, we would all love to read/hear it!

Everyone keep in mind- bad dates build character. I guess if you can recognize the other party as being the 'bad date' and not do the things posted about here...

CutNJump said...

Fugly- WOW! She peed on the hotel room floor?

Even Ned the Wino was better house trained than that!

Gee after telling his ex wife on the phone that he loved her, 'because that's what she wanted to hear...' and I ended it all, in the middle of a big assed fight which almost got OMFG!incredibly violent- I had to hit him to get him away from me, he went back to her.

Did I mention she was living out of state (Seattle area) at the time of the phone call and when she came home to visit their kids for Christmas, (the three hellion brats!) SHE threw the toaster through the kitchen window, called the cops and HE ended up in jail?

He started crying because I was leaving. Wanted to live together and all that. He didn't remember anything from our huge assed fight- not even the part about me hitting him!

Yep I was gone two weeks and he was right back with her, living under the same roof and playing family again.

Good Fucking Luck, you drunken, boozing, alcoholic, Dickhead!

Oh and she was an uphill skier, (coke head) so sounds like a fun house for the kids to grow up in too, doesn't it?

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Hey, when he met Princess Pees On Floors, she had one of those breathalyzers in her car that you have to blow into or the car won't start AND an ankle bracelet!

There is a winner for you. Yup, nothing like the adult child of an alcoholic for making brilliant choices.

One thing you do realize as you get older is that sometimes you get dumped for not being f'ed up enough, as crazy as that may sound.

CutNJump said...

Princess Pees On Floors.


Priceless!

Lynda said...

Gee Fugs lets look at it this way... Maybe Princess needs some Natural Prince/cessmanship lessons. Im sure there must be a trainer somewhere that can house train her and provide her with some 'ground' lessons. A few laps around the kitchen, maybe a cribbing collar to keep her from drinking... There must be atleast one big name trainer out there for these way ward Princesses and Princes's.

Kokorami said...

Would that make the puddles a PrinCesspool?
(ducks a barrage of large objects and flaming dog poo bags)

Anonymous said...

Maybe the guy who took the salad into the bathroom wasn't really shitting in there. Maybe the salad dressing was horrible and he was pretending to shit so that he could flush it down the toilet. Ha.

Kokorami said...

Then do not pass Go for taking your plate to the throne room, and do not collect $200 for trying to cover it up in a truly dumb-ass way.

Look--call me weird, but I was raised such that if you had me over for dinner and put a Madagascar hissing cockroach-kebab on a pile of steamed tonka beans and served it with a big glass of cheap plonk stinking to holy hell of fusel oils, then finished dinner off with a Monty Python Whizzo Crunchy Frog Assortment for desert, the most I'd do is nod and smile weakly, say something like, "Wow, I've heard of this stuff in Geographic", and at the very least TRY IT before going on to bullshit about how I always wanted to try it but I'm so full/it doesn't seem to agree with me, it's so spicy. Hell, you might get a pleasant surprise! I have.

The only exception anyone in our family ever makes to this rule is allergic/moral/religious/crawling crap. (No use serving shrimp cocktail to your observant Jewish guests or a big smoked-meat-stuffing turkey for a vegan.) One time, my Dad was in Chile and tried some local seafood: sea urchin. No biggie--except for this little crabby parasite/symbiotic beastie that came with it...and was still running around on the plate. Seems this was some big delicacy; Dad POLITELY waffled his way out and said since his friend seemed so happy to see one _he_ should have it. Remember: somebody worked to make that crappy salad and have you over, and by whatever deity you want to invoke, you'd better f'in well Play Nice and make a brave attempt to eat it...

Unless you want to be an easy target for a drive-by snarking here ;-)

anniebanannie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anniebanannie said...

I went out with a guy whose nickname was Spike and he picked up garbage in dumpsters for a living (I was more egalitarian back then). Spike the Garbageman's real name was Maynard Ely... I kid you not.

StGM picks me up at my parent's home (I was living at home for two months between my undergraduate and graduate degrees) and refuses to come in and meet the parents. We're having a rare rain event in Nevada and the roads are awash in 3 inches of water and he's driving at 90 MPH in a vintage Suburban, while at the same time reaching behind him to grab a beer out of the cooler behind his seat.

He takes me to the officers club at the national guard where I find out that he is underage, so he can't buy me a drink, but instead goes out the the Suburban to snag beers from his stash. He refuses to dance with me, all he wants to do is play pool and keep his beer hidden from the bartender.

So I get bored and start dancing with any and everyone that would ask me. When I finally tire, I ask him to take me to my friends house(we had a back up plan where I'd be able to take a cab if I couldn't get him to take me to her house, then we'd go out).

He agrees, but insists that I play one game of pool. Now I've been taught how to play pool by many men, most of which have very different ideas on how to use a pool cue and since I rarely play, I suck at it.

But not that night. I was making shit shots like you wouldn't believe. I trounced his ass. Then because he couldn't tolerate losing to a woman, he refused to take me to my friends house unless I played one more game... again and again.

After the third game, I said, take me to my friends or I will get a cab. And was on the phone when he conceded to take me to her house.

Unfortunately, my feckless friend was out at a nightclub. I didn't have much trouble convincing him to take me there because he thought that we'd be spending more time,not drinking and not dancing and not talking, but he was wrong.

I knew he wasn't 21, so I ditched him at the door when he was asked for I.D.

After Spike the Garbage Man A.K.A.Maynard Ely, I developed a checklist for date-able men.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Annie - the name ALONE.

We should hunt down ol' Maynard online and see what's become of him. LOL.

Em3 said...

I've never commented before, but I have a story too good not to share.

A co-worker set me up on a blind date. I'm not really big into blind dates but I was assured that this guy was great and I would have a good time. I agreed to meet the guy at a restaurant for dinner. The guy comes to the table and seems cute and charming and I'm thinking that this could work out ok. He is well dressed and well spoken and for the first few minutes I'm really liking him. However, by the time appetizers were served something was a little off.
He kept checking out my chest. I'm not trying to brag here but I'm naturally very blessed in that region. There isn't a shirt in the world that can hide my 36DDD's but I know I was wearing a shirt that was tasteful and only showed a little cleavage. So this guy is doing a lot more than the occasional glance, he's almost to the point of constant staring. I was starting to get a little creeped out but decided to try and keep up my end of the conversation. The guy starts to get that hazy but oddly focused look on his face. You know, the look they get when they are going towards THE goal and a Mack truck rolling through the bedroom wouldn't distract him. Suddenly the look disappears, he takes a sip of water and excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Sure enough as he stands there is wet spot on the front of his khakis. While he was gone I made my escape and told my co-worker that I didn't think it would work out with this guy.

anniebanannie said...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Annie - the name ALONE.

We should hunt down ol' Maynard online and see what's become of him. LOL.


Unfortunately, I know what has become of him. He's a huntin' and fishin' redneck working for the street maintenance department for the City of Reno.

Weasel said...

em3, I think that pretty much sums up guys. BTW, was he rhythmically shaking as he sat there??

Anyway, great stories guys, I'll share them at the roundtable of my friends.

Got some douchebag up for tomorrow, hope I get it posted!

CutNJump said...

spotted t apps- OMG- that describes the guy at the sushi bar last night to a T!

Mustache and all. What a dickwad! he was dressed the part of a cowboy, 'silver belly' buckle, almost the handlebar 'stache.

Loud, obnoxious, trying to explain to the other guys sitting next to him about how the 'town' used to consist of only a few shops (he was wrong it was far, far fewer than that), blah, blah, blah.

Everyone in the place couldn't help but hear him. I asked hubby if I should go punch the bastard in the face and knock him off the barstool.

After all, what could make him look any more like a dick than if he swung at an obviously pregnant woman? LOL! The brawl would have surely started then... We are friends with the owner as well as almost the entire staff.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

CNJ- you should have socked him one. I waited tables at a restuaurant with a sushi bar and I hated hearing the pompous assholes almost as much as the customers did.

It was only beneficial when they got smashed, because after enough vodka and OJ they'd give a very handsome tip.

wheelin126 said...

LOL I don't think this is the worst but at the time it sure was. One of my ex's was soo drunk that he passed out in bed and didn't wake up to go to the bathroom and pissed the bed. I found this out by waking up to being cold and wet and wondering WTF!?! Big surprise that one didn't last!! Same guy different time had to argue with him in the middle of the night that the corner of the bedroom where the dresser was was NOT the toilet so don't even think about peeing over there...had to turn the bedroom light on before he figured out I wasn't lying to him and went into the bathroom.

FUGS - you probably would have loved to see Miss Princess Pees on Floors in action..I would have LMAO to have seen that one!!

Appolonia said...

I dated a guy, who was 9 years older than me, for almost 10 months. Don't ask why it went on that long, because it was nothing short of ridiculous. He slept on the couch for the last 5 months. List of the more serious offences:
-He once had loose bowel movements in his pants and then IN THE BED. When he got up, he wadded his pants up with the sheets, and PUT IT IN THE CLOSET. the whole house reeked like shit when I was there, and I ended up calling him at work and making him come home and clean it up. I was so grossed out I didn't even tell him that i knew exactly where the smell was coming from.
-One day I came home at 3 in the afternoon (he worked nights, and was usually still sleeping). I thought it was odd that the bedroom door was shut and the dog was in the hallway. I needed to go to the bathroom, so I walked in there. Well, there was a sliding door between the bed and bathroom, and it was open. What did I see? Michael Andrick, lying on his back with his ass in the air, sucking his own dick with MY VIBRATOR up his ass. he says he was drunk.
-in the 10 months that we were dating, he did his laundry exactly ONE time. There were a lot of times I couldn't even get close to him he smelled so bad. There were several times I took some of his clothes to the vet clinic where I worked and threw them in with our loads of towels and such just so I didn't have to smell it.
-He also had a dog who he took TERRIBLE care of. He was too lazy to walk or feed her on a regular basis, so he would just fill up her food dish and when he noticed it was empty again he would fill it back up. when i moved in the dog was 20 lbs overweight and could hardly walk from arhritis. she had a bladder infection because michael was too lazy to take her out often enough. Over the time I lived there she got fed a strict diet twice a day, joint supplements, and was walked all the time. She lost 15 lbs and became happy again and could move around and even play (she was 14 i think). When i moved out? he had even stopped giving her her supplements that *I* was still paying for.

Lynda said...

Oh here's a gross one for you. Towards the end of my marriage my ex decided taking a shower wasnt for him. He would stink. I got use to wearing granny nities to bed that were long enough for me to curl up into feet and all. I had to wash them every day cause he would "try" and I'd ignore him. Then there was the wall thing on his side... he always coughed up phlem and he never covered his mouth... there was this huge hardened phlem area on the wall. Lets say when I decided to get divorced he got the apartment... I took the kids left him the car. After 10 years of marriage I got 2K from his retirement, the kids and half the bills. I still am thankful to the attorney I hired for setting me free! Oh and get this... we went to court for an emergency order to pay child support. My ex decided he had to be divored that day. Hey I was fine with that! Wanted me to take the 800 dollar phone bill seeing that I had already paid off half the bills I had taken. Told the lawyer that I would take half of it and I wanted all my Dungeons and Dragons stuff back. I hadnt played in 10 years... my ex was big time into it. Or he could keep my stuff and take all 800 dollars worth of phone bill. My lawyer said no way would he go for it... told him to do it... he goes and talks to my ex and his lawyer. Comes back laughin his ass off... as soon as he said I wanted half my D&D stuff back his face went white and immediately said he would take the whole bill....

Some boys never grow up....

CutNJump said...

Lynda- that reminds me of the line in The Money Pit where Shelly Long's character is talking to her ex, trying to get money for the house. She is trying to sell him the painting and he says "I don't like that painting."

"Yes you do, You LOVED that painting. That's why I took it in the divorce."

Nosnikta said...

*** lying on his back with his ass in the air, sucking his own dick with MY VIBRATOR up his ass ***

That's AMAZING... flexible little mynx, wasn't he? Good lord... call the Guild of Nymphomaniacal Contortionists! We have a recruit!

Did you scream? I would have screamed.

CutNJump said...

Nos- either that or he was hung like a bull moose!

Get away from me with that, that thing.

Anonymous said...

I once drank a bit too much and ended up throwing up on my boyfriend's bed. I was worried he would be upset and was prepared to clean it up. Instead, he got up, flipped his mattress and plopped right down on the other side, which was also, by the way,. covered in 'stains.'

Anonymous said...

My wife told me that she had a blind date before we met, and the guy told her out of the blue that he likes to "do a woman from behind and tell her how nice her ass looks." We still say that to each other as a joke once in a while.

Anonymous said...

I have a friend who brought her boyfriend of a couple months to eat with her parents. She says her and her mom ended up walking into the bathroom on him accidentally, and swears that he was taking a shit backwards on a toilet, with his legs and face facing the wall.

She said he ran out of the house and never talked to her again. And I could not stop fucking laughing.

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