Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Hairrogance

I am damn good looking

Hey there, I’m a professional gentleman with a full chest of hair, good for running your fingers through and pulling on. 6 foot tall with wide soulders and strong arms. I’m sexy because I’m confident and I can stimulate your body and basic instincts with just a look. You can’t handle this much sexy. I’ll have you begging for more. Ian

"I'll have you begging for more."

Ian, I don't know what you think women will be begging for more of, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be body hair. Last time I saw that much hair on a body, it was standing in a remote Alaskan river gnawing on a salmon.

You know, it's funny, every time Ian goes out to eat at a restaurant, everyone finds a hair in their soup.

Anyway, immediately after opening this ad my throat began to tickle and my cat vomited up a hairball the size of a Ford Taurus, so I feel that Ian might suffer from a medical condition called hypertrichosis, defined as "an excessive growth of terminal body hair." Women tend to refer to hypertrichosis by its more common household name, "Eeeeewwww." If Bigfoot takes your picture, that's a bad sign.

In prehistoric times, scientists theorize the female was attracted to a thick coat of body hair, as it was a symbol of virility and masculinity. But evolution changed all that, as abundant body hair also provided a healthy habitat for numerous deadly ectoparasites and body lice, many of which were carriers of horrifying, disfiguring diseases. Hmmm, Ian, I don't seem to remember you putting that in your ad. "I'm a walking petri dish infested with body lice. How about coffee, followed by the generous application of an assortment of acidic medicinal shampoos?"

Every woman has a different opinion on the attractiveness of male body hair. Some women like no body hair, some women like a little, and some women prefer a thick, hairy chest. But I don't think any woman is prepared for the fucking pubic explosion imminent when those pants come off. Ian, you're a suicide bomber packing ball hairs. Finding your cock must be like finding a carrot in a redwood forest. Want to give him a blowjob? Bring two hairclips and litter some fucking cracker crumbs on your way in.

Ian is probably a nice enough guy, but I think his obvious false arrogance tipped the scales towards "bad ad". And believe me Ian, you'll never pull off the suspenders-with-no-shirt look unless you're standing between an Indian and a construction worker on stage at the county fair singing "YMCA". It doesn't work for anybody. Ever.

But I'm sure he's a great guy, and he even has his own special method of thanking you every morning after you sweep the bed. He can show you how much he loves you in a very special way that no one else can, with the exception of a Mongolian prairie yak.

35 comments:

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Everyone makes Wookie noises whenever he leaves the room, I'm sure.

kalmanen said...

Oh my god, Beulah the Backhairs long lost brother, Ian the Living Hairball!
I can almost see the family reunion and have to wonder if they serve soup there...

Weasel said...

Kalmanen, you reminded me of something I forgot to post the pic of his back.

Thanks.

Nosnikta said...

What is it with you and carrots? LMAO!

*** Finding your cock must be like finding a carrot in a redwood forest. Want to give him a blowjob? Bring two hairclips and litter some fucking cracker crumbs on your way in ***

Omg.. you have a picture of his back too?

I am a fan of the sasquatch, but not one that wants to stimulate me.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, Weasel, I don't understand why this ad is on here. So the guy is hairy. I thought this blog was for men who were basically making asses out of themselves. I agree that the suspenders were in poor taste but I don't know if it's enough to earn him an entry on WWHM.

Nosnikta said...

I think it's more the arrogance of it all.

I'm just happy there's not a big wirey hair springing out of Moob's mammary.

kalmanen said...

weasel, I just saw what you forgot. Gods. He's spreading love with his back...

huneybumper said...

Thank you I read this one to SO and he sprayed the tea he was drinking all over himself the cat and dog as well as his computer screen. Now that was entertainment!

Weasel said...

@ Anon 7:44:

Anon,

You're right, but you have to understand something. I receive about 100 ads a day from readers. 90% of the ads are pictures of guys holding their cocks and writing a soliloquoy about how great they are in bed.

First, I REFUSE to post cock shots on this blog. Second, if every ad I posted on here was another dumb fuckface telling you how great he was and how nice his dick is, it would get boring real fast. I need variety to keep it going.

So you're right, some of the ads really aren't that bad. I can always tell by my traffic sheet that some people log onto to read WWHM and read the ads ONLY w/o the commentary. It may be arrogant to say, but I write this blog only so people can laugh at my commentary. (And I fail miserably sometimes.) If you just read the ads, you'd probably say, "Well, thats not too bad, why is that on here?"

It's on here because I was able to create a story behind it, which really isn't easy to do sometimes. I choose ads that 1. stand out for some reason or another so I can put some comedy behind it, and 2. suck.

I thought this ad DID suck. ANY ad where a guy actually writes the words "You cant handle this much sexy" or "you'll be begging for more" qualifies easily. Its a presumptuous, fucking stupid thing only an idiot would to say to any woman at any time, because you know, and I know, this guy fucking sucks in bed. 100% no doubt. Why does he say such stupid shit in an ad? Because hes too much of a pussy to say it to a womans face. Why? Because he knows its not true and hed get laughed at. So then, why write it in an ad?

Plus, he includes a pic of himself shirtless with suspenders
and wearing ridiculous sunglasses in a dark room (although you can't see that.) That also makes him an insecure douche, who posted a bad ad.

The ad is not horrible, but it is bad enough in a unique way that stood out enough for me to pick it, and I guarantee you this ad received no responses.

Hopefully, that explains why indeeed some ads don't look too bad on the surface, because really, they aren't. I just found a unique angle to put a story behind it, so I chose it.

CutNJump said...

If Bigfoot takes your picture, that's a bad sign.

Beautiful. Fucking Beautiful!



Weasel- why the need for a long winded rant and explanation to someone who won't even post a screen name?

Apparently they don't 'get it' and may not be interested enough to stick around and figure it out...

Nosnikta said...

YEAH! Pshaw on them!

"sweeping the bed" was funny too lol.

I do like chest hair, but this dude thinks he can stimulate your body and basic instincts with just a look???? LOL because of his chest hair??? Okie dokie then big guy.

CaliGirl9 said...

For me, it's all about the suspenders and the caveman pose as a major turn-off. Or maybe I've got some serious premenstrual dysphoric disorder going on here, and I just hate anything male ...
And this dillweed writes like Borat talks, sort of. Too much use of the term/word sexy. Something he certainly isn't.

CutNJump said...

I'm too sexy for my shirt,
too sexy for my shirt,
sooooo sexxxxyyy,
it hurts...


Yep it sure does hurt.

But not the right people.

It hurts our eyes.

Put the damn thing back on.

fjordwoman said...

Weasel,again,you are brilliant. I never laugh as hard as when I peruse your blog.Please keep it going.
BTW, that pic of you is priceless in a Reservoir Dogs meets Field and Stream kind of way.

fjordwoman said...

Or maybe that should be RD meets Farmer's Almanac kinda way. Either way, it's all good.

*Amber* said...

OMG 'anon' SERIOUSLY doesn't get it?! Either 'anon' is a guy who's posted a similar ad (sans suspenders), or a female who would actually respond to this type of drivel. *shudder*

Oh, and Weasel, the crotch hair bursting forth like chickens from the hen house was NOT the image I was looking for after lunch. Ugh. Congrats, you've done it again. ;)

CutNJump said...

...crotch hair bursting forth like chickens from the hen house...

Have you been watching the movie Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller and Jerry Stiller?

Towards the end there is a scene which describes this very thing.

Hilarious movie by the way...

Nosnikta said...

My favorite aunt always called that "their bushels". We'd be at a lake or pool and she'd point at someone and tell me "Her bushels are hanging out."

Lynda said...

OH MY FUCKING GOD! I just got back from dinner and I swear this guy was there... actually I think the guy in the resturant was even worse! Atleast he had a shirt on! He is a farmer type too...

All I could think of while I was there was OMG its that guy from WWHM! Ok I dont think he would ever put an ad like this douche did but he definately had more hair than the guy in the ad! He had big hair too... and curly! Beard... arms... I think you could have braided his arm hair....

Merridyn said...

Weasel- the reference to the Village People...someone ought to tell this guy that suspenders make a GREAT head dress (while, if you're 6 and playing cowboys and indians topless in february in the northeast *blushes*).

CutNJump said...

Lynda- did you call the health department for letting animals in the restaurant?

Or animal control to come get him?

anniebanannie said...

Anonymous said... Honestly, Weasel, I don't understand why this ad is on here. So the guy is hairy. I thought this blog was for men who were basically making asses out of themselves. I agree that the suspenders were in poor taste but I don't know if it's enough to earn him an entry on WWHM.

Honestly Anonymous, I think this ad sucks like a Hoover. I'd rather see a "cum suk my dick" ad than this "hairy, arrogant, you'll-be-begging-for-more" ad. The latter is... uh... more...

Nope. Never mind. Both types of adds are in poor taste and this guy is making an ass of himself.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Anonymous used to post under a name but sees no reason to anymore. For those who were wondering.

But thanks for the explanation, Weasel.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah... about the cock shots, if you changed your mind about that, Weasel, you'd have a ton more ads to choose from. Most guys only post pics of their weiners.

CutNJump said...

Anonymous- about the cock shots so many men post.

While many of them think this is their best side, (and for some it truly is) here's a tip-

Seen one, ya've seen 'em all.

It better be mighty impressive or don't even bother...

Unfortunately, even if they are hung like a mosquito, they think theirs is 'like nothing you've ever seen before'.

You're right. I can't say I've ever seen one that small.

Nosnikta said...

No, silly... it's all how you USE it! It doesn't matter if their man-bits are actually bitsy. Then they will tell you that they know the secret to producing a screaming orgasm that leaves you shuddering in pleasure until you beg them to stop. It's not the SIZE!!!! LOL... SHEESH!

I have seen some odd ones though. While, yes, they are all pretty dang much the same I really didn't know what to do with the bent one I ran across many many years ago. I'm not talking merely peering off in one direction, I'm talking peering at you from around the corner of a building!!!!!

THOSE are interesting. You have to kinda ride sidesaddle lmao.

wheelin126 said...

." Women tend to refer to hypertrichosis by its more common household name, "Eeeeewwww."

Still laughing uncontrollably!!

Watch out it's Big Foot...is he by any chance related to Mr. Hairy Back #3??

wheelin126 said...

OMG Nosnikta!! Had one of those bent ones too!! Only his bent down like a tea cup handle!! Too funny!!

CutNJump said...

Speaking of 'bent ones', my roomate when I was at big name farm, back in the day... was dating the guy who groomed for one of the female trainers. She said his was 'bent', though I don't know to what degree...

John Elliot has since gone on to become a 'trainer' of sorts, if you can call him that while stiffling your laughter.

JR was at a show and said there's this guy who is riding around the warm up arena with his head tilted off to the side and his eyes closed like he is stoned. He almost rode right into the horse JR was on and of course JR set him straight in a hurry about watching where the fuck he is going.

When I got there and JR pointed out John I busted up laughing! Yep, same guy! As we drove by the barns on the way out I said "He rides like he's stoned because he is. He's a bent peckered pothead!"

Maybe it wasn't an accident that my window was down and some of his clients were sitting there...

wheelin126 said...

LOL I hate it when I say something really messed up and my window is "accidentally" down or they are "closer" than I thought. Ya right!!

Nosnikta said...

lololololololololol

My talk about the bent ones was another of my conversations that had my brother covering his ears and singing "la la la la". He and his buddies can talk about boobs all night long but the minute I bring up a "topic" they get all homophobic thinking they may magically turn gay if they have girl-talk about an interesting-shaped penis.

Too funny.

LOL @ bent-peckered pot head.

CutNJump said...

Nosnitka-
>>It's not the SIZE!!!! LOL... SHEESH! <<

It certainly is!

You can't make butter with a toothpick, if you know what I mean...

*chuckle*

CutNJump said...

Oh and as for the bent peckered pothead, I could tell you stories to make your head spin right the hell off...

I understand the lalalalala thing. JR will occasionally look at the pictures here, but won't post.

He did about ROFL at the pic of "Peter Griffin". I think his comment was, "What the Fuck?"

Nosnikta said...

I was trying so hard to type in my most sarcastic font in regard to size lol. :-)

Yeah, JB will look over my shoulder as I'm bouncing around in my chair holding my stomach laughing. He laughs because I'm laughing, but just shakes his head and walks away.

The Hatter said...

Okay,
one, I don't like hairy chests. My guy's smooth, freckl - draped chest is just fine, thank you very much. The only hair that should be on a man is on his head (the one on top of his shoulders) and maybe some fuzz down there. Nothing more.