Sunday, August 17, 2008

Shoe Lover

I'm stuck jerking off on a Friday night

I'm alone and sad in my dark hotel room jerking off to porn, do you want to come join me so you can lick up all the cum I'm dripping on my shoes? I'm 5'5, 260 lbs, and pretty desperate, will you help me out? I have Doritos, Ruffles, some dip and beers in my room plus the liquor cabinet we can open.

Ah, WWHM back to its roots.

We found a personal ad with all the sex appeal of a Japanese narwhal slaughter.

I don't know about you, but $100 says a woman would get more turned on watching a burning Special Olympics charter bus plunge into a mine shaft full of defenseless show kittens.

What's bad about the ad?

A curious male puppy dry-humping a pair of jogging shoes might seem cute; it's simply an involuntary biological response dictated by the whims of his maturing testicles.

A grown man fornicating with his work boots creates no such light-hearted whimsy; it only creates what many might consider a fucking crime scene.

Describing yourself as "5'5, 260 lbs and pretty desperate" is generally only acceptable to women if you're an abnormally short moose cornered by starved bears. But if you're a short, overweight and desperate man with an abundance of unhealthy snack products masturbating into his welding clogs on a Friday night, you might want to spice up your description a little.

And lastly, sir, your choice of a "cave" photo was poor. Women are generally not attracted to caves, unless of course they are out on a blind date with guys like you and they run into their friends. In that case, yes, they may crawl into a cave, or perhaps dig their own cave like a fucking meerkat hopped up on an eight-ball of crank.

Oh wait. Maybe that's your hotel?

34 comments:

Avoluv said...

That 'cave' looks like the storage area of something I would not want to be around.

Nosnikta said...

(giggle)

*** generally only acceptable to women if you're an abnormally short moose cornered by starved bears ***

I've had an upset stomach anyway and when I read the part about licking cum off his boots I nearly hurled.

WTF is wrong with this guy?

Even his Doritos don't sound appealing today.

4thehorses said...

I don't understand why short, fat men post ads. Don't they know the only people interested are other short, fat people. And, isn't that why God gave men hands???

Nosnikta said...

I think some of them have tiny little dinosaur arms and have a difficult time reaching.

Emily said...

LOL.
I cannot think of a less enticing thing to lick off a work boot.
That's some Fear Factor shit right there.

Pilar said...

Weasel!!

"Ah, WWHM back to it's roots."

No apostrophe!

As for the ad... Hmmmm... tempting, but I'd rather lick my toilet clean...

Nosnikta said...

Gawd.... I shouldn't read this with a stomache ache. You guys are making me gag lol.

barfbarfbarf

ryan said...

The only thing that would make me consider this is that the guy has beer. Maybe I could just show up, drink his beer, then ask to go "freshen up" and sneak out the door. At least he could be in the same room with a woman (something I am sure hasn't happened in a long time, unless of course its his mother, or some poor unfortunate helthcare worker)and I would get free beer.

CutNJump said...

Nosnikta said...
Gawd.... I shouldn't read this with a stomache ache. You guys are making me gag lol.

barfbarfbarf


And I hadn't even posted yet! Better not watch from here out Nos. It can only get worse, now that I am here...



Let's see here. From the ad photo, cacti and all it seems he is in the Southwest area, maybe Phoenix or Tucson. At least if he's going to choose a cave pic, find one of Hole in the Rock from Papago Park or something... That might be oh, I don't know, interesting or appealing. Two things he certainly is not.

Offering for a woman to lick cum off your workboots as a result of your one armed or single handed efforts?

Emily said it best- "That's some Fear Factor shit right there."

Like any woman would want to lick up your cum anyways, but off your WORK BOOTS? Holy Shit! I wouldn't even lick the tops of my own sandals and I have a good idea where they have and haven't been. (Maybe that's why. I wear them in outside to feed the horses and cows.)


4thehorses said...
I don't understand why short, fat men post ads. Don't they know the only people interested are other short, fat people.

I cannot agree more! But there are the delusional folks who think 'attractive to me' also means 'attracted to me'?

Wow! A short fat man who jacks off for entertainment on a Friday night in front of the boob tube watching porn. Maybe he could be partners with Tim in a 'Hairy Snack Shack' franchise effort. Maybe Tim could find this guys hairy snack attractive and the rest of us could go on about our lives knowing no fruit will ever come from either of them.

Nosnikta said...

Sigh... I didn't listen.

And NOW I am envisioning Tim and Mr. Cavedweller partaking in licking and slurping.

.... gotta go find me some Rolaids.

.... and maybe a gun.

wheelin126 said...

Well at least this picture was better than Mr. Depends dude sitting on the floor staring glazed eyed at the camera at you!! One can only imagine why the glazed eye look.....aaahhhhh!!

Okay I've grossed myself out now.

This guy should be grossed out by himself too. Maybe he has some ranch dip for the ruffles with a little secret ingredient that didn't quite make it to the work boots!!! Okay that did it I'm sick now!

Walk On said...

Well, if nothing else, this blog has disproved the theory that homosexuality is a choice.

'cause ya know, if I COULD switch teams, the last post would have done it for me. :P

Walk On said...

PS - please don't make me think of the stoner in his dipers again.......ewwwwwww

Nosnikta said...

OMG WHEELER!!!!

I used to like ranch dip.

Omg.....

Yes, this picture is easier on the eyes than diaper-boy. Every time I look at that one I wonder if there's an Oreo trapped under a boob.

Kokorami said...

Desperate? I was thinking of another D-word...

Delusional.

CutNJump said...

Thank Dog! I am only drinking water today!

Ranch dip with additives, glazed looks (maybe ought to go with glazed doughnut guy from a short time back), 'switching teams' and hidden Oreos...

Fuck I almost busted up laughing with the boss sitting right there.

Lynda said...

I do have to say I do like a heavier set guy... Though he doesnt make the 6 foot height requirement that I insist upon. Though I think I'l pass on this guy... (looking over at my 6'2 240lb guy next to me... ) yeah I'l stay with what I got...

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Wonder if the local convent just had record enrollment numbers.

Nosnikta said...

SNORT!!!!!!!!

I'm sitting here guffawing loudly because I'm at home reading and don't have to stifle myself with my sleeved arm at work and I'm TRYING to explain to my hubby (6-2 210 pounds) why this is so hysterical.

He laughs, but only because I'm laughing... and I'm still not real sure he "gets it" lmao. I think he wonders why I'm checking out personal ads (per se).... but the fact that I'm beside myself with gut-busting laughter gives him a little more faith lmao.

Weasel? I love ya, Bud....! You have brought smiles and laughter into my pathetic little world lmao!

Cut? YOU and I need to sit at the mall and watch people trip and fall down while they are eating ice-cream cones as they stroll past the petite shops lmao. Yes.. I'm cruel and evil in that aspect, but C'MON!

If we can find a bar across from the petite-ice-cream shop... that would be most ultimate lmao.

Anonymous said...

The diaper dude has by far been the worst, and I've been at work with this image plastered in my brain since I saw it!YUK And as I work in a timber mill I will NOW look sideways at my male workmates in their steelcap boots covered in sawdust and wonder no more,I know why the sawdust sticks to their boots and not mine!!!!!!

CutNJump said...

Nos- All the malls here have the food court upstairs and open seating in the middle.

There is a See's Candy, a cookie store and a Cinnabon on the upper level that offer seating railside, so we could also throw things to and at the people below...

I'm trying to think which stores are near those. It's been a while since I've been there. Also we have several malls- Superstition Springs, Fiesta (aka Fiasco Mall), Chandler, Gilbert Marketplace, Tempe, Metro Center- from the film Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure!, Town Central, Arrowhead, Scottadale...

Plenty of opportunity.

CutNJump said...

Anonymous said...
>>The diaper dude has by far been the worst, and I've been at work with this image plastered in my brain since I saw it!YUK And as I work in a timber mill I will NOW look sideways at my male workmates in their steelcap boots covered in sawdust and wonder no more,I know why the sawdust sticks to their boots and not mine!!!!!!<<


Don't let them tell you it's sap.
Sorry, not buying it.

Nosnikta said...

*** so we could also throw things to and at the people below... ***

ROFLMAO.... are we related?

wheelin126 said...

I don't know I think if he had oreo's hidden under his moobs they might be a little more perky...just a thought!!

Yes this blog definitely disproves the homosexuality as a choice thing!! To still like the male species after Weasel has shown us what fine representives of the gender there are out there...I'm just speechless!!

CutNJump said...

Nos- if not we certainly think alike!


Wheelin- I recently told my friend about this blog and how frightening the 'prospects' out there are.

She swore long ago, if anything happens to her hubby she will never remarry. I told her I am right there with her on the wagon. Are we siting in the front or the back?

Her reply?

I am Totally DRIVING that wagon!

wheelin126 said...

Well I'm calling shotgun!!!

CaliGirl9 said...

I call foul. *wink*

Everyone knows there's no way a 5'5" 260-pound guy can't even see his feet/shoes, let alone drip cum on his shoes. The belly is big-time in the way!

Any woman who has been pregnant for nine months knows this is true.

CutNJump said...

Cali- I call foul too!

He doesn't need to see his shoes, his droopy dick aims perfectly at them. So we will now call him Dead Eye.


Oh and I can still see my feet. I have to lean forward to do it, or put the chair into recline, but I can still see them occasionally.

Nosnikta said...

(looks down and notices what cute feet she has) Oh oops! there's a smudge on one boot! I better wipe it off! (bends over and reaches down to polish the smudge off)

There! :-) much better.

(looks around)... Now what were we talking about?

(runs as Cut tries to climb out of her recliner to throw something at my head :-P)

CaliGirl9 said...

Cutnjump, I am happy you still are able to see your feet! Even if it takes great effort to do so *wink* Having been where you are at, I assure you that you will someday see them again any time you want, and they will no doubt still be cute!

Actually, my perverted mind has been picturing this ten-ton nightmare dillhole all day. Yes, no doubt his peen is in the permanent downward position, but if the fat's rolling over it, he just dribbles down the leg. Little to no stream or aim.

Kind of like a broken amniotic sac, only with urine and semen.

Merridyn said...

Someone should tell him that if he left out the cum on the shoes bit, he at least be as attractive as an overweight guy behind the 7-11 counter. Both have the same things to offer. Namely loads of junkfood and alcohol.
I think I'll take the junkfood and alcohol and watch a movie. ANY movie would feature an actor more appealing than this dude.

Merridyn said...

Cut and Nos- My mom had relatives with a funeral home. There was an intersection in their tiny town that REALLY needed a traffic light and had none. When one relative (I think her uncle) retired, he'd sit out on the porch for hours watching the wrecks! (Now I know it's from my mom's side. My dad just doesn't get it.)

CutNJump said...

Nos I wouldn't throw anything at you that I wouldn't expect to see come flying back towards my own head.

Caligirl- not much effort involved to see the feet, but everything else requires some- tying shoes, shaving, trimming nails...

Merridyn- that would be funny. Just a tall glass of iced tea, a few cookies or a bag of chips for munchies and ***sssscccrrreeeeeeeaaaacccchhhhh*** crash!

then the sirens...

Jennifer said...

Show kittens? Ha!