Sunday, August 3, 2008

Two Pump Chump

Need Help

Hello, I was wondering if any ladies would help me, I have a really bad problem with premature ejaculation. i need a patient understanding woman to help me through my problem. This may take a couple weeks, but I'm hoping you may want to help me, it's very important as I 'd like to be able to resume a normal sex life in the future. I'm desperate! Please email John at XX@XX. Open to any size or age.

Ferdinand Magellan discovered the Phillipine Islands in 1521, and by 1526, he had dispatched four separate Spanish expeditions to construct a map of the islands, an effort lasting nearly 5 years and requiring the mapmaking skills of 67 different artisans.

My how technology changes things.

John here can shoot a map of the Phillipine Islands on your stomach in 5 seconds all by himself, and he doesn't even need a tide chart.

Alfred Kinsey conducted a study in 1950 which concluded that 75% of men ejaculate within two minutes of penetration in over half of their sexual encounters. Not only did this surprise the scientists, but it also left plenty of time for coffee breaks. Coffee breaks often spent in the lab laundry room, where the female lab participants often "finished the study" on top of a Whirlpool dryer stuck on heavy spin cycle. Oddly, the scientists usually only watched for two minutes. Christ, they're scientists, ok?

Unfortunately for sex scientists, they were only paid by the hour in 1950, so the average annual income of a scientist in 1950 was 98 cents. On the bright side these same scientists went on to develop vibrators, and now they live in gold mansions and wipe their asses with the blonde hair of unwanted Norwegian orphans.

Since Kinsey's study in 1950, specialists in premature ejaculation have determined "premature ejaculation" occurs when a man ejaculates within 1.5 minutes of penetration. In an unrelated study, they also determined it's a really stupid idea to go to a bar and tell chicks "I'm a specialist in premature ejaculation."

So, back to John. It should only take a couple weeks for you to help him cure his problem, but remember, that's approximately 20,160 minutes, or at least 10,080 ejaculations. So make sure you have plenty of towels, and if at all possible, a pair of diving flippers. It's also a great opportunity to pre-decorate the interior of the house for Christmas.

And for John, might I recommend a numbing condom? It's a condom designed to numb your penis so you feel absolutely no sensation at all during penetration. So it's basically like fucking Lindsay Lohan, minus the freckles. Just make sure she doesn't blow you after you wear the condom, because when she comes up, she'll sound kind of like a deaf person trying to give you directions to the Museum of Modern Art.

38 comments:

nosey said...

"Two pump chump"

I love it!

Sistah said...

Can I guy get hard thinking about a naked Lindsay Lohan? Isn't that why she went gay?

CutNJump said...

"Two pump chump" almost sounds like he's getting too much credit... LOL!

Merridyn said...

>>Alfred Kinsey conducted a study in 1950 which concluded that 75% of men ejaculate within two minutes of penetration in over half of their sexual encounters. Not only did this surprise the scientists, but it also left plenty of time for coffee breaks. Coffee breaks often spent in the lab laundry room, where the female lab participants often "finished the study" on top of a Whirlpool dryer stuck on heavy spin cycle. Oddly, the scientists usually only watched for two minutes. Christ, they're scientists, ok?<<

Weasel, you amaze me. I assume the scientists came up with some "reason" for the 2-minute observation of mechanical woman-on-spin-cycle pornography. Lab scientists have a real knack for justifying misbehavior. Usually, however, they get off on playing with mercury on the pretense that they're actually putting it to legitimate use or making little fire-balls in test tubes just because they can.
I know have a disturbing image of a slew of men who never see the light of day, live in lab coats and goggles, and have no friends outside the lab jerking off. Great.
Am I correct to assume that you selected Whirlpool over other brands for a reason???

Weasel said...

Because Kenmore sucks!

CutNJump said...

Ok so there was also a study which found 70% of women fake orgasms over 80% of the time.

Is this due to the 2 minutes or less 'delivery time' of men?

Makes ya wonder?

Black Money said...

Haha classic, I can just imagine the type of woman he will attract lol!

anniebanannie said...

Weasel said...

Because Kenmore sucks!

Kenmore has the best service record in the appliance industry.

Reliability is important ;p

Lisa said...

Two minutes?

TWO?! MINUTES?!

::randomly hugs her husband for not being lame, scaring the crap out of him::

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

You know, considering he threw in that line about how age and size don't matter, the Internet just might hook him up with the kind of hairy-pitted, unwashed wildebeest that really would cure him of his premature ejaculation problem. Unfortunately that would be because it created a new erectile dysfunction problem...

Evergrey said...

OMG about a post-numbing condom BJ- SO TRUE.



So I've heard.

CutNJump said...

Lisa-
>>::randomly hugs her husband for not being lame, scaring the crap out of him::<<


Hysterical! Snorted my yougurt. LOL!

I'll have to try that on mine...


Fugly- No shit! Some things just aren't appealing no matter what!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I also think he's confused here. While it's true that women frequently enjoy "fixing" men, we are talking about being attracted to the challenge of emotionally distant "bad boy" hotties in tight jeans with a body fat percentage smaller than our shoe size. NOT trying to resolve someone's P.I. or E.D. issues. Guys, no one wants to help with that out of the goodness of their heart. That's why sexual surrogate is a PAID profession!

CutNJump said...

Fugs- I snorked my root beer!

So not cool...

Anything carbonated through the nose= bad.

Just bad.

CutNJump said...

Isn't this WHY most men jack off before a date? They want to get the 'easy out' before the evening performance...

Pilar said...

Do they really? I thought that was just in Ben Stiller films.

CutNJump said...

Pillar- here's a joke for ya...

Man asks a prostitute, "How much for a blow job?"

Prostitute, "$50"

Man starts jacking off, rubbing one out, whatever you want to call it.

Prostitute- "What are you doing?"

Man- "For $50 do you think I'm going to give you the easy one?"

Weasel said...

I love dirty women.

Bring it on.

Where were all you guys at my tea party/ poetry forum last week?

anniebanannie said...

Weasel,

We're not dirty... we're telling the truth. You're the one who thinks it's dirty.

Fugs, is right for pity sake. We can't even get men to pick up their underwear or not wipe their boogers on the couch. Why would any self respecting woman want to try to fix sexual dysfunction?

Oh yeah... sign me up for that.

anniebanannie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anniebanannie said...

Oh yeah... I bet you don't know this one but most if not all Fugly Horse of the Day might, calling a guy a stud is not a compliment.

If a copulation between a stallion and a mare lasts longer than one minute, there's something wrong with the stallion. The average time of copulation between horses is 28 seconds.

If you're referring to size when calling someone a stud, well, that's slightly different. But for 28 seconds... it don't matter how well endowed a man is... really, really.

Weasel said...

Sounds like horses might like numbing condoms.

Or at least the mares would.

I guess that explains why I see mares rubbing themselves on fenceposts.

Sarah said...

Nope, poor horses were just itchy!

Nice to see that the fugly crew has taken over WWHM. Never read the comments before now.

CutNJump said...

Weasel, we were most likely down at the local bar, pub or tavern boozin' it up and dancin' til our clothes come off.

Beats the hell out of tea and poetry, wouldn't ya say?

Oh, and I'm designated driver for the next 3 months, so I'll be keeping an eye out so the girls can have a blast while the guys keep themselves under control. If not, I always bring along a plenty big can of whoop ass. Paired with red hair and preggo hormones, no man dares go there...

wheelin126 said...

A man goes up to a lady at the bar and tells her he has a 10 inch cock. The lady looks at him and starts laughing and says to him I find that really hard to swallow. Blame that joke on a male truck driver lol

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Gary Condit said...

Premature Ejaculation, also known to health care experts as “Ejaculatio Praecox”, is probably the single most common sexual dysfunction in men. Statistics show that as much as 30 percent of men complain of premature ejaculation in most sexual encounters. Sex therapists define premature ejaculation as a lack of ejaculatory control, which interferes with sexual or emotional well being in one or both partners. http://www.buy-viagra-with-us.com/

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amy atwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
amy atwood said...

I remember at 13 I would have been a two pump chump. Of course, back then I would have just kept going after any way for round two. I just can't imagine 75 percent of men, not young teens, lasting less than two minutes. That just sounds crazy