Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Expired

Some of my condoms are going to expire soon...

So I opened my drawer last night to grab some sleep aid and noticed that unused pack labelled 'Trojan Lubricated' in there. A quick peek at the expiration date revealed "08/2008". Now, I'd hate to throw perfectly functioning condoms away, and I feel really bad about their silent death if I just let them expire. Instead, they should experience a happy ending. Ethan

I know just how you feel Ethan.

I found a rotten cornish game hen in the trunk of my car today. The package says it expires tomorrow.

Maybe you'd like to come over and eat it.

Anyway Don Juan, you shouldn't use condoms you bought in 2004. Just wrap the head of your penis with Scotch tape, don't tell her you have syphilis, and pray.

Your condoms are lonelier than the dinnerware at the Gay and Black Republicans table at the Republican National Convention. Give those condoms the happy ending they deserve by throwing them in the trash.

Unless of course you consider getting ripped open with your teeth, welded to a stranger's penis until he throws up on you, and discarded onto a stale lemon urinal cake in a shitty tavern bathroom a "happy ending."

And for the record, Paris Hilton calls that "an average Tuesday night."

18 comments:

Nosnikta said...

HA HA HA! Love it!

*** Unless of course you consider getting ripped open with your teeth, welded to a stranger's penis until he throws up on you, and discarded onto a stale lemon urinal cake in a shitty tavern bathroom a "happy ending." ***

nip/tuck said...

Well, if they're gonna expire... you know, some people aren't fortunate enough to have condoms.

If they've been sitting in his drawer all this time, what makes this guy think he could use them up now? The condoms may be perfectly functioning, but this guy's dick - not so much.

CutNJump said...

I'm betting he bought the 'industrial sized pack for a one night stand, hoping he would get a callback.

Suprised that he didn't use these to wrap his veggies in to keep them fresh until lunch time.

It comes with dip!


Ditch the whole box. Once those go bad- they will stink to high hell.

CutNJump said...

Note to the Magic Hat company- the smiling penis with cactus like balls does nothing for women.

Nothing, but maybe scare us off. After all I have a small cactus on my kitchen window sill. If I wanted to be 'pricked' in my girly bits I could go sit on that.

I highly doubt a 'Magic Hat' would offer any protection from that...

Nosnikta said...

A prick is a prick, right?

ChevyGirl said...

People for the Ethical Use of Condoms



sorry, but after a condom has not been used for six months, I normally give them to my friend, the beach slut. She does not mind getting pregnat as much as I do. Sorry no kiddies for me, I am way to strict for kids. That man is a douche, he sounds like one of those guys that tell women "I dont need a condem, I know when to pull out". Yeah right. Your sheep called, she needs you in the barn.

Fhtrkstr101 said...

"for the record paris hilton calls that an 'average tuesday night'"

I almost died.

Mel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mel said...

Seriously, who would be like, ooh almost expired condoms I'd better give him a call? I think in terms of contraception it's more effective to not use four year old condoms?

Elliott Elijah said...

Haha.

MAGIC HAT:
great beer.

huneybumper said...

I'm guessing he couldnt sneak them back into his dad's drawer without getting caught huh?

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha ha. Magic Hat...first thought was, "What, another version of Linux?"

CutNJump said...

Nosnikta said...
A prick is a prick, right?


Yes and while painting the kitchen last night, the fucking thing got me. Where was my Magic Hat then?

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO! Shoulda called this guy and got his box of magic hats!!!!!

What the heck are you painting your ceiling for in "your condition"?

CutNJump said...

Not just the ceiling- primer and then painting- the whole interior of the house. Oh and the floors too.

It started out just to be the girls room, then ended up being everything at once.

At least people aren't asking us if we test missles here.

"The house is going to be great."

I either have a 'resident' cactus thorn in my hand now or a bitch of a hay sliver.

Nosnikta said...

Probably both.

My daughter stepped on a patch of cockle-burrs barefoot yesterday. Apparently it's not cool to wear her boots to the pool and that's all she had at G-ma's house.

I was told they got them out, but she was griping this morning that it still hurt. You can't see anything.

I hate those invisible sticker-ends.

Lynda said...

Try putting some elmers glue on her foot where she stepped on the burrs. Let it dry and then peal it off. If there's anything there it will pull out the spines. You can try duct tape too. More fun pulling off dry elmers glue on the bottom of someones foot though.... LOL

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