Tuesday, August 12, 2008

From The WWHM Bargain Bin.......

Even some of the most pathetic guys eventually learn they're not going to get laid online by taking grainy cellphone photos of themselves fucking mattresses.

But if you can't fuck a mattress, what can you fuck?

Well, if you're like this guy, you can fuck a park bench. Only, if your penis gets stuck in the park bench, well, then you have a whole new set of problems. Problems that your new friends from the local police and fire departments will handle professionally, as well as provide them stories for cocktail hour for the next six or seven generations. If you thought it was hard to get laid before, try getting laid after millions of people have seen you on the news attempting to copulate with metal park furniture.

No park benches around? Well why not do what everyone else does? Just grab a claw hammer, pour some actual motor oil into your anus, and fuck yourself with the claw hammer while your neighbors look on in absolute horror. Did I make that up? Of course not. Hope you're not a sucker for blue eyes.

Thankfully, some guys just fall back on good ol' feverish hand-to-gland combat. And judging by these dating video rejects, plenty of it. Thank God we can't impregnate sweatsocks.

21 comments:

Nosnikta said...

Poop, I don't have speakers on this computer (probably a good thing). I'll have to wait to look tonight.

sellefrancais said...

Oh my god, the holes in the park bench are TINY.

No need to elaborate my point.

CutNJump said...

Ok so once again I have to wait for somebody to leave so I can watch the video...

But the guy with the hammer? WTF! I don't even want to know which end went first. Seriously, I DON'T!

With people being what they are you never know, and I for one, am choosing a fingers in my ears, eyes closed so you cannot see me, lalalalalalalalala moment.

The guy with the park bench? I wonder if he was stuck so long because he took Vigra and had one of those 4 hour erections they warn you about...

I would think once he found he was stuck, the 'romance moment' would have quickly passed for him and his winky would have gone as limp as an overcooked spaghetti noodle, thus leaving him 'free to go'. But then being a woman, what do I know?

As for matress men? Well, YOU made the mess in the bed- You lie in it. Don't be suprised in the morning when you get up, if the sheets aren't ecrusted and stuck to your body. And NO, that is not cool! To ANYBODY! We don't want to hear about it later.

Nosnikta said...

"Greg".... poor little Greg.

CutNJump said...

Ok, the funniest part about the guys in the video...

Sex with any one of them is pretty much guaranteed on a few things.

a) they have not been with anyone else so no communicable diseases

b) they will have come and gone so fast you wouldn't have had time to even get TO the bed, let alone IN it with them- just a nekkid body in the same room and they will have repainted the ceiling in record time.

c) if you actually DID get to any part of the actual Act, they are a clean slate and would do anything you told them to exactly how you told them to do it- to the letter(!) just to please you, so that they may get a second shot. I mean chance. The second shot has already gone off, long ago I'm afraid. Just close your eyes and imagine them as someone else-anybody but them.

You might tell them not to make any noises. Any noises they would or could make would surely sound like a neighbor brutally torturing and finally killing a beloved pet. Besides, they are long since used to keeping things quiet while starching their socks. They just tell Mommy while she's doing their laundry, that they must have stepped in paper mache` again.

Nosnikta said...

LOL are they "O-Face" guys?

CutNJump said...

Better believe they are. At least if they did you from behind you wouldn't have to look at them, face all contorted as they finally reach their 'jumping off' point but they better have a big stiffy. Otherwise, what's the use?

There's a couple in there that could be Java the Gut. Probably try to set that up on your ass so they could even begin to get their tiny pecker (from lack of sunlight and air) near where it's supposed to go.

Nosnikta- I dare you to watch the video- sound or not- and picture any one of them with the line form the other day, and not be cracking up and grossed out at the same time! ROFL!

*Gotta randomly hug hubby when I get home. This scares him. Especially lately...*

Nosnikta said...

(in my best whiney voice) stoooooooooooopppppppppppppppppppp!

The thought of Jaba the Gut balancing the belly on my backside is tooooooo muuuuuuuchhhhhhh! (still in my whiney voice).

The poking around trying to find it reminds me of that one woman's bad date. Ya know lol.. the guy who couldn't find it and got off on her knee I think lmao.

grossgrossgrossgrossgrossgross

Nosnikta said...

The guy with the thing on his lip reminds me of a 14yo girl I know. Same mannerisms, smile, and tilt of the head while speaking. It was very weird.

What's really sad is these guys dressed up and tried to look nice for these videos. They actually looked in mirrors and said "Yep, I'm ready to go."

AND thanks to CUT! all I could think of was bracing myself for the weight of a huge belly on my back with some little knobule (is that even a word?) poking at the backs of my thighs and ass.

Thanks Cut! lol I owe you one! :-)

CutNJump said...

No thanks necessary Nos!

Jaba the Gut balancing his fat roll...

** Yep, can you imagine the thought of that, hovering over you all sweaty, breathing hard and about to cum? **


Just pray Jaba doesn't have a heart attack in the process.

You know from exerting himself and putting an extra strain on his cardio system.


What's that?

Me?

A Bitch?

Why, yes.

YES I AM!

But, at least I'm an honest bitch...

Lynda said...

Wow...didnt think of the heart attack thing.. now all I can think of is that book by Steven King about the husband who died having sex with his wife in the cabin.. and he's dead on top of her and she in handcuffs... With a couple of these guys handcuffs would be easier to get out of!

The guy who likes disco...man you're like way too late! He's just scarey and the guy with the mole on his life and other one with it on his forhead... Austin Powers came to mind... Mooooolllleeeeeee Mooolllleeeeeyy

Of course with the guy who got sweat into his eye... well that would be the end of sex... that should take all of about a nanosecond for it to be all over...

ChevyGirl said...

holey moley, I used to live in Fort Wayne. I knew there were some creepie individuals there but wow. just wow. I have a friend who loves black and decker tools, and yall can probably guess its not for fixing inanimate objects. Now that I find that there are more like her, I think I want to leave this earth now. Geez, these folks must have had some reeeeaaalllyyy fucked up lives. Just wow. Gonna go puke now.

Evergrey said...

Okay I had to explain the hammer guy to my boyfriend because he heard me howling from the other side of the house.

The video was sad, heh. That last fellow looked kind of sweet though, hehe.

anniebanannie said...

I think this is a put on; some kind of joke for some comedy show.

If not, it seems to me that this if anything would be case for suit. I think those dating services have privacy clauses for the benefit of both.

If not, it would certainly make me leery of using one.

Anonymous said...

Regarding the video:

I read this blog and laugh a lot, because most of the guys are genuinely tools, but I think insulting the guys in this video post is really bad form.

The guys all speak sincerely, nothing that they said is particularly creepy or even funny. Yeah, they're nervous and kind of odd, but what guy making a dating video isn't going to be nervous?

I think this blog serves a good purpose in showing that there are worse things than being a cocky douchebag, namely, being a psycho panty sniffer. But don't pick on sweet guys just for trying; guys don't use dating sites because they're prince charming.

El-Mango said...

I feel sorry for some of them. They're so...innocent....

El-Mango said...

So nerdy...so..weird. I hold so much pity for the one in the Yellow shirt - Jeff.

fposte said...

Okay, I'm pretty sure "Barbecue Lou" is comedian Mike McShane, which makes me pretty sure that this is a put-on.

Anonymous said...

My friend and I were recently talking about how modern society has evolved to become so integrated with technology. Reading this post makes me think back to that discussion we had, and just how inseparable from electronics we have all become.


I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Ethical concerns aside... I just hope that as technology further advances, the possibility of copying our memories onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's a fantasy that I daydream about every once in a while.


(Posted on Nintendo DS running [url=http://cryst4lxbands.blog.com/2010/01/31/will-the-r4-or-r4i-work/]R4[/url] DS HomeBrow)

Anonymous said...

Holy crap, that one guy looks just like Dwight Schrute from The Office.

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