Monday, August 4, 2008

A Cold Sell

Handyman for all your needs

Need hardwood installed? How about a plumbing inspection? I am nice looking, polite and friendly. I am D/D free. I am available M-F 10 am to 4 pm. Let me help you fulfill your fantasies or just take the edge off. Paul.

When it comes to a sales pitch, some say a picture is worth a 1,000 words.

Unfortunately for Paul, this picture is worth only three words.

Those words are "holy", "fucking", and "shit", murmured in the same tone of heady disbelief you might use had you just witnessed an elephant gnaw the head off a Girl Scout and regurgitate the remnants directly into the mouths of several feral, opened-beaked eaglets.

I think if I were attempting to sell my dog, I don't think I'd select a picture of my dog friction-scraping the congealed poo crisps from his balloon knot by cementing a strip of country bacon across my new pine floors. It just seems to send the wrong message.

Yet, in a surprising display of unbelievable oafsmanship, Paul here would like a date with you, and yet has selected a picture of himself apparently nature-cooling his enchilada vent by butt-sculpting a re-creation of the Special Olympics rings in a snow bank.

Paul, pictures can say a lot about you. Your words may offer free "plumbing" inspections, but your picture prompts women to question the abusive treatment of your own plumbing. God knows what you would do to theirs with those Jimmy Dean sausages you call fingers.

After all, leaving crackers in the bed is one thing. But leaving earthworms is an entirely different story.

17 comments:

The Hatter said...

Why?

Why do men do this? A picture of you on a beach naked isn't going to do much for your plumbing/hardwood business is it? Nooooooooo.

>-<

Anonymous said...

I think I will try and stop laughing before I get a hernia, thanks Weasel!

I really prefer better looking hardwood to look at my plumbing.

Anonymous said...

You know if he was built like Brad Pitt..this might come as colorful...but...being that he isn't...it just comes off as "I just escaped the local mental hospital and my meds are wearing off."

Awww...bless his little pea pickin heart...I kinda feel sorry for him. He's obviously deranged.

I wonder what it feels like inside his head???

CutNJump said...

Is he trying to make ass angels or what? I don't get his 'artistry', dare I call it that.

I thought he was on the beach. The beach would make more sense anyways.

Anyone else see the movie The Whoopie Boys with Paul Rodriguez, Marsha Warfield and a handfull of others?

PR's character states "Cold weather shrinks my dick."

Apparently there is some truth to that from the Seinfeld episode where George is claiming, "I was in the pool!"

CutNJump said...

Definately snow, not sand.

Sand wouldn't have the dark layer underneath no matter how wet...

Walk On said...

er... um...

--puzzled look--

Look, dude, just pay the money and go to Glamour Shots or something and get a nice head shot (no, not THAT head, the one on top) ok? Whatever I was supposed to get out of this picture, I didn't.

Liz said...

Yay! You used the ad I sent in! I am proud to say that this fine specimen is from Cleveland, so ladies, if you want him, come and get him. Please. Please?

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Hey, I am pretty sure the dude up top with the back hair is from Wisconsin. This is why so many of us left the Midwest.

Sistah said...

He's available 10-4... I got one word for you... married.

wheelin126 said...

Nothing like a freshly made snowcone up the colon to start your day off with some zing!!

CutNJump said...

Wheelin126-

I snorted when laughing at that last night. It scared the dog!


From the OP-
>>After all, leaving crackers in the bed is one thing. But leaving earthworms is an entirely different story.<<


Crumbs is one thing. Anything that creeps, crawls or otherwise moves on it's own- entirely different story and totally out of the question!

*Amber* said...

Why is there no swirl over the genitals? Oh, that's right, BECAUSE IT'S SO SMALL YOU CAN'T SEE IT! Geez dude, get a clue - and a prostitute, because that's the only gal you'll be scoring with.

Oh, but I do agree with Sistah, 10-4 availability = married. And there's probably a good reason she's not giving it up to him either.

Kokorami said...

"Yay! You used the ad I sent in! I am proud to say that this fine specimen is from Cleveland, so ladies, if you want him, come and get him. Please. Please?"

(Sound of paper grocery bag shoved over a Koko head)
Oh, please...please, hon, tell me he ISN'T a West sider. Even though I just _know_ he has to be, do like Depeche Mode and Lie To Me.

Nosnikta said...

I don't get it.

When I look at this picture, all I can think of is a dog scooting butt across the carpet telling me it's time to deworm.

Is this supposed to be a turn-on?

I don't get it.

Le said...

Is he using his bare ass to draw out a yin yang sign on the sand? Hahahaha I guess he's a feng shui type of guy!!!

CutNJump said...

Ye must've gotten the yin and the yang and frozen off his wang.

Look closely.

See anything?

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