Shoe Lover

I'm stuck jerking off on a Friday night

I'm alone and sad in my dark hotel room jerking off to porn, do you want to come join me so you can lick up all the cum I'm dripping on my shoes? I'm 5'5, 260 lbs, and pretty desperate, will you help me out? I have Doritos, Ruffles, some dip and beers in my room plus the liquor cabinet we can open.

Ah, WWHM back to its roots.

We found a personal ad with all the sex appeal of a Japanese narwhal slaughter.

I don't know about you, but $100 says a woman would get more turned on watching a burning Special Olympics charter bus plunge into a mine shaft full of defenseless show kittens.

What's bad about the ad?

A curious male puppy dry-humping a pair of jogging shoes might seem cute; it's simply an involuntary biological response dictated by the whims of his maturing testicles.

A grown man fornicating with his work boots creates no such light-hearted whimsy; it only creates what many might consider a fucking crime scene.

Describing yourself as "5'5, 260 lbs and pretty desperate" is generally only acceptable to women if you're an abnormally short moose cornered by starved bears. But if you're a short, overweight and desperate man with an abundance of unhealthy snack products masturbating into his welding clogs on a Friday night, you might want to spice up your description a little.

And lastly, sir, your choice of a "cave" photo was poor. Women are generally not attracted to caves, unless of course they are out on a blind date with guys like you and they run into their friends. In that case, yes, they may crawl into a cave, or perhaps dig their own cave like a fucking meerkat hopped up on an eight-ball of crank.

Oh wait. Maybe that's your hotel?