A Cold Sell

Handyman for all your needs

Need hardwood installed? How about a plumbing inspection? I am nice looking, polite and friendly. I am D/D free. I am available M-F 10 am to 4 pm. Let me help you fulfill your fantasies or just take the edge off. Paul.

When it comes to a sales pitch, some say a picture is worth a 1,000 words.

Unfortunately for Paul, this picture is worth only three words.

Those words are "holy", "fucking", and "shit", murmured in the same tone of heady disbelief you might use had you just witnessed an elephant gnaw the head off a Girl Scout and regurgitate the remnants directly into the mouths of several feral, opened-beaked eaglets.

I think if I were attempting to sell my dog, I don't think I'd select a picture of my dog friction-scraping the congealed poo crisps from his balloon knot by cementing a strip of country bacon across my new pine floors. It just seems to send the wrong message.

Yet, in a surprising display of unbelievable oafsmanship, Paul here would like a date with you, and yet has selected a picture of himself apparently nature-cooling his enchilada vent by butt-sculpting a re-creation of the Special Olympics rings in a snow bank.

Paul, pictures can say a lot about you. Your words may offer free "plumbing" inspections, but your picture prompts women to question the abusive treatment of your own plumbing. God knows what you would do to theirs with those Jimmy Dean sausages you call fingers.

After all, leaving crackers in the bed is one thing. But leaving earthworms is an entirely different story.