Hairrogance

I am damn good looking

Hey there, I’m a professional gentleman with a full chest of hair, good for running your fingers through and pulling on. 6 foot tall with wide soulders and strong arms. I’m sexy because I’m confident and I can stimulate your body and basic instincts with just a look. You can’t handle this much sexy. I’ll have you begging for more. Ian

"I'll have you begging for more."

Ian, I don't know what you think women will be begging for more of, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be body hair. Last time I saw that much hair on a body, it was standing in a remote Alaskan river gnawing on a salmon.

You know, it's funny, every time Ian goes out to eat at a restaurant, everyone finds a hair in their soup.

Anyway, immediately after opening this ad my throat began to tickle and my cat vomited up a hairball the size of a Ford Taurus, so I feel that Ian might suffer from a medical condition called hypertrichosis, defined as "an excessive growth of terminal body hair." Women tend to refer to hypertrichosis by its more common household name, "Eeeeewwww." If Bigfoot takes your picture, that's a bad sign.

In prehistoric times, scientists theorize the female was attracted to a thick coat of body hair, as it was a symbol of virility and masculinity. But evolution changed all that, as abundant body hair also provided a healthy habitat for numerous deadly ectoparasites and body lice, many of which were carriers of horrifying, disfiguring diseases. Hmmm, Ian, I don't seem to remember you putting that in your ad. "I'm a walking petri dish infested with body lice. How about coffee, followed by the generous application of an assortment of acidic medicinal shampoos?"

Every woman has a different opinion on the attractiveness of male body hair. Some women like no body hair, some women like a little, and some women prefer a thick, hairy chest. But I don't think any woman is prepared for the fucking pubic explosion imminent when those pants come off. Ian, you're a suicide bomber packing ball hairs. Finding your cock must be like finding a carrot in a redwood forest. Want to give him a blowjob? Bring two hairclips and litter some fucking cracker crumbs on your way in.

Ian is probably a nice enough guy, but I think his obvious false arrogance tipped the scales towards "bad ad". And believe me Ian, you'll never pull off the suspenders-with-no-shirt look unless you're standing between an Indian and a construction worker on stage at the county fair singing "YMCA". It doesn't work for anybody. Ever.

But I'm sure he's a great guy, and he even has his own special method of thanking you every morning after you sweep the bed. He can show you how much he loves you in a very special way that no one else can, with the exception of a Mongolian prairie yak.