So Beautiful It Hurts
Ladies it hurts daily. I cry when I go to bed because I just can't seem to find someone as beautiful as I. I've tried everything, bars, Frisbee Golf courses, pools, elementary schools, beauty salons, meeting people through friends, walking dogs that aren't mine, pretending to be a cowboy, even figure skating classes. It is so hard being this beautiful but I think there are some women out there who can help. Flock to me my beautiful women... my name is Luke.
The staff here at WWHM usually twirls the faces of the unsightly ghouls who grace the unfortunate pages of this gonad-strewn sex casserole we call a blog. But today we asked ourselves "Why hurl bison poo at such a beautiful and elegant swan?" So congratulations Luke, you're WWHM's first identifiable entry. Now stop ogling yourself before you pop wood and knock your lunch pudding into the Minit-Lube transmission pit.
If unabashed male self-confidence is the lube that moistens a womans libido, male vanity is the sponge that sucks it drier than the sun-chapped salt-ringed asslips of a dehydrated Somali pack camel.
Merriam Webster defines "vanity" as an "over-inflated sense of pride in one's appearance." I think over-inflated is a valid description; plopping an errant lawn dart into the ego-bloated abyss that is Luke's skull would yield the identical sound you'd find by deflating the entire Goodyear blimp through a caged canary's asshole: 78 uninterrupted hours of "Sssssssssssssss.....".
Beauty is only skin deep Luke, and your skin is thinner than the skin of a grape. And unlike a grape, your skin doesn't quite hold in the whine.
"It's so hard being beautiful", "it hurts daily", and "I cry when I go to bed." Your cries for pity are a poison, and your personal ad is the syrup of ipecac. So while you're out pretending to be a figure skater, a cowboy, and a dog owner, we're going to pretend we're not throwing up when you strike a "Shaved Thunder" pose in front of every mirror you pass, you inconsolable, sappy douchebag.
Will women flock to you? I doubt it. But I'm sure geese will if you fill those fucking elephant ears with popcorn.