Monday, August 11, 2008

He's So Beautiful, Our WWHM Twirl Tool Broke

So Beautiful It Hurts

Ladies it hurts daily. I cry when I go to bed because I just can't seem to find someone as beautiful as I. I've tried everything, bars, Frisbee Golf courses, pools, elementary schools, beauty salons, meeting people through friends, walking dogs that aren't mine, pretending to be a cowboy, even figure skating classes. It is so hard being this beautiful but I think there are some women out there who can help. Flock to me my beautiful women... my name is Luke.

The staff here at WWHM usually twirls the faces of the unsightly ghouls who grace the unfortunate pages of this gonad-strewn sex casserole we call a blog. But today we asked ourselves "Why hurl bison poo at such a beautiful and elegant swan?" So congratulations Luke, you're WWHM's first identifiable entry. Now stop ogling yourself before you pop wood and knock your lunch pudding into the Minit-Lube transmission pit.

If unabashed male self-confidence is the lube that moistens a womans libido, male vanity is the sponge that sucks it drier than the sun-chapped salt-ringed asslips of a dehydrated Somali pack camel.

Merriam Webster defines "vanity" as an "over-inflated sense of pride in one's appearance." I think over-inflated is a valid description; plopping an errant lawn dart into the ego-bloated abyss that is Luke's skull would yield the identical sound you'd find by deflating the entire Goodyear blimp through a caged canary's asshole: 78 uninterrupted hours of "Sssssssssssssss.....".

Beauty is only skin deep Luke, and your skin is thinner than the skin of a grape. And unlike a grape, your skin doesn't quite hold in the whine.

"It's so hard being beautiful", "it hurts daily", and "I cry when I go to bed." Your cries for pity are a poison, and your personal ad is the syrup of ipecac. So while you're out pretending to be a figure skater, a cowboy, and a dog owner, we're going to pretend we're not throwing up when you strike a "Shaved Thunder" pose in front of every mirror you pass, you inconsolable, sappy douchebag.

Will women flock to you? I doubt it. But I'm sure geese will if you fill those fucking elephant ears with popcorn.

73 comments:

Lynda said...

Ummmm why is he at the elementary schools? He aint that beautiful... of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder... NEXT!

LOL

kalmanen said...

I'd cry myself to sleep too if I was him...

Weasel said...

I'm crying for the mole stuck to his face. I hope it doesn't have hopes and dreams.

Rozie said...

I thought that men were supposed to be handsome not beautiful.
I see someone who looks like a felon and has dead looking eyes, but I don't see beautiful or handsome here.
And telling women that you cry yourself to sleep like a crybaby isn't going to have them lining up to do you either.

Nosnikta said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

Hey, Puke... while you are crying over your self-adoration, women are laughing at your inflated ego.

Get over yourself.

ChevyGirl said...

ok I only see a woman beating dodge truck driving asshole. And possibly one who lives in his parents basement. Luke, the only way I could screw you would be in the back of a mint condition '57 Chevy Bel Air with the American Flag and the rebel flag over your face, and Malcom X standing over me with a gun to my head. ugghhh I have had guys like you, you aint worth a crap. Go do the world a favor, get your testicles removed asap.

*Amber* said...

Elementary Schools?!?! Guys, is that some hidden abyss of gorgeous women or what? Seriously, if some guy without children tried to pick me up as I was buckling in my toddler I'd mace his ass.

4thehorses said...

He just lovely, I think that I will trade in my hot blonde ponytailed lover for the bald dude who goes figure skating, or maybe I will just cry for his beauty tonight, as my fingers play with the most beautiful blonde hair EVER.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

OMG I sure wish he'd tried "pretending" to be a cowboy around me! I can think of several horses I could put him on so he could show off his lack of skills. Nothing enhances one's beauty like a nosefull of horseshit from doing a face plant in the manure pile off a horse who realized in 3 seconds you had no clue what you were doing and offloaded your lame ass.

ElynSCA said...

Uuuuuhhhmmmmm......


what?

I don't know WHERE this asswipe got the idea that he's pretty enough to cry over, what with the ears like a barn door, and what I suspect, if not plucked, is probably a unibrow.

SHUDDER

GAG

Nosnikta said...

Pretending to be a cowboy with silver-toed pointy boots, sheepskin chaps, a fringy shirt complete with silkscreened flames on the back, and a cheap spray-painted straw hat that sports a large turkey feather, trying to strut bow-legged saying "Howdy little lady."

THAT'S purdy :-)

Kokorami said...

I'm crying, too...because I'm laughing so hard!! Bozhe moy, between 1.)the best comments I've heard yet (the blimp/canary's asshole comparison was even better than the Bellagio hallway) 2.) his own twaddle (I don't think a line like "Flock to me, my beautiful women" even shows up in my favorite Bad Movies, including the young William Shatner's _Incubus_) 3.) the perfect use of a one-time exception untwirled pic--he's not All That, not even .5 That, and what _are_ those blue wingy things at the back of his head?-- 4.) and the fact that I once had the worst thing (cut me slack! I was young and rebounding, and it did NOT last long) for a swellhead my friends and I now call "My Pretty Pony", you'll have a hard time topping this loser.

CutNJump said...

Pretending to be a cowboy? Sorry we can al see right through that one. Every time!

...gonad strewn sex casserole...

Snorked soda again. I should know better by now...

Classic!

CutNJump said...

Nonikta- Careful there. I bet he really would start crying if some big Bubba came up and told him-

"You sure do gots a purty mouth."


And I too liked the blimp/canary butt comment...

Kokorami- the blue things behind his head is the back of the fold up chair he's sitting on.

Nosnikta said...

Flock to me my beautiful Bubba!

teawithlime said...

Cue Frank Zappa's "I'm A Beautiful Guy":

I'm a beautiful guy
And you have walked by
And I have gave you the eye
But you pretend to be shy
But I'm a beautiful guy
(You know what I mean? You know what I mean?)
And so I want you to know why, why, why
You make me cry, cry, cry
'Cause you want to try, try, try
Some stupid game on me...

JohnieRotten said...

Are you fucking kidding me!


This poor guy obviously has no life!

Hanging out at elementary schools!

So this is where the FUGS go!

Walk On said...

The whole "elementary school" thing SCARES me.

Male "pretty" would be Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom, not baldie w/ the big ears. (Just me, or does he look like a car coming down the street w/ it's doors open?)

Anyone else here thinking of Trace Adkins' song "All Hat, No Cattle"?

Here are the lyrics, but it needs to be heard for some of the sarcasm to really come through properly.

---
See that boy standing there by the dance floor
He's lookin' like the Marlboro Man
Starched shirt, starched jeans, big trophy buckle
And an empty Copenhagen can
He's talkin' cowboy this and cowboy that
Well I'll bet one thing's for sure
The only stampede that he's ever seen
Is the clearance at the western store

All hat and no cattle, that boy just ain't real
All boots and no saddle, don't know how to make a cowgirl feel
Think I'm gonna tell him to pack up his act
And go back where he came from
'Cause all hat and no cattle ain't gonna get it done

He's just a smooth-talkin', long-tall slow-walkin'
Drugstore-made-up dude

So honey don't you fall for that fake Texas drawl
He ain't right for you
What you need's a man that ain't just a hat stand
When you get him home
Well, I don't look like much, but I can sure saddle up
And ride with you all night long

All hat and no cattle, that boy just ain't real
All boots and no saddle, don't know how to make a cowgirl feel
Think I'm gonna tell him to pack up his act
And go back where he came from
'Cause all hat and no cattle ain't gonna get it done

All hat and no cattle ain't gonna get it done

MinxyQ said...

lol lol lol

sorry mate, you are only beautiful if Calvin Klein puts you on a big billboard in his briefs.

I am worried about the hanging out by elementary schoold things...I can only hop he was scoping for a MILF

Walk-on...Oh my god, that song was written about my ex!! He's a Texan and I used to tease him all the time that I was more cowboy than him. I ha e at least been cattle mustering and droving (and drafting)....he wouldn't have a clue about how to even do up a cinch.

Kokorami said...

You just reminded me of THE song, which I used to think of My Pretty Pony to: Klark Kent (Stewart Copeland's) "Don't Care"

I am the hottest thing you ever will see
You know I'm something it ain't easy to be
I am the neatest thing that ever hit town
There isn't anything that could bring me down

(Chorus)
Don't care
If you really wanna hang around
Don't care
'Cause I am the neatest thing in town
Don't care
If you really wanna stick around
I don't care
If you even wanna put me down

The girls are always trying to settle me down
They never guess I'm only fooling around
My only worry Is my humility
It dampens all my heavy artillery

(Chorus)

Don't care no-no
Don't care no-no
Don't care no-no
Don't care no-no

You know i'm fooling with my fake I.D.
So you don't need to check my history
You know I'm something it ain't easy to be
There isn't anyone who I'd rather be

(Chorus)

If you don't like my arrogance, you can _suck my socks_!

Don't care no-no...

CutNJump said...

Hey JR- He hangs out at elementary schools! Remind you of anyone???

Raym maybe??? (Ray & Jac's son) The one who used to hang out, but not do anything with 15 & 16 year olds and he's 2 years older than I am... What a catch, eh?

AvenueFog said...

"gonad-strewn sex casserole"

Dammit, Weasel, now I'm hungry!

kalmanen said...

For pretty boys, look up the word "bishonen".
I think Beulah the Backhair is more bishonen than this guy.

Since he is such a cowboy, he should pose with this horse. The horse would look ten times better than him.

JohnieRotten said...

I wonder what age this piece of shit likes to start at?

HEY LITTLE GIRL/BOY YOU WANT SOME CANDY?

I imagine Raym learnt his behavior from his inbred parents.

Kokorami said...

"For pretty boys, look up the word "bishonen".
I think Beulah the Backhair is more bishonen than this guy."

LOL, yeah...reminds me of a guy I knew when I was in school, town kid in HS who used to come to my show (college radio) before they had the station and everything locked down the way they do now. Big industrial/goth fan...HE had the most beautiful eyes I ever saw on any human, male or female, like one of those wonderful gold-colored cows (Jersey? Guernsey? Help me out, farm folks). While he wasn't big or tall, he was slim/wiry and strong like a bull. Never heard that term (bishonen) before you mentioned it...but after looking it up, I can say he probably would've earned it as well as the right to be called "beautiful"... unfortunately, it earned him the kind of grief this puffed-up SOB deserves :-(

Mel said...

He'd probably have more chance meeting women if he stopped looking at himself in the mirror long enough to gain some outside interests. Then he wouldn't have to keep 'pretending' to be a dog owner...?

Sounds like narcassistic personality disorder to me.

CutNJump said...

He looks remarkably like a guy I went to High School with.

He used to hang out with the special-ed kids and got busted on the baseball field for getting a blow job from another student in the dugout.

He was later busted for having sex in one of the raquetball courts during lunch.

Apparently location means nothing to some people either...

The Half-Assed Blog said...

That guy is beautiful... for target practice. Or 4-wheeling practice, as a speed bump of course.

Biskuits said...

It's just got to be a joke. I mean, the crying himself to sleep was pretty ridiculous, and then there was the *elementary school* comment, and then... he ADMITS to taking figure skating lessons? I smell a rat, ladies. I'm going to hope and pray that one of his "friends" posted this as a joke, otherwise... I'll just lose all faith in men XD

Fenfox said...

I think Biskuits nailed it.

teawithlime said...

I'm beautiful
I'm beautiful
I'm beautiful, you see.

I saw my face
In a mirrored place

And with you I'll never be
'Cause I'm so in love with Me!

The Half-Assed Blog said...

teawithlime for the win.

HillBill said...

Ha ha, never call him a cowboy until you see him ride!

I have to giggle because that picture looks like it was taken out camping or hanging out somewhere and yet he totally posed. Lord, my camping/hanging out pictures are usually totally goofy. Greasy hair, sunburn, beer in hand....

kahara said...

At the elementary schools? WTF? I certainly hope it's the mothers he's trying to pick up on, and if it is then he probably justifies that with, "Well, the obviously put out."

Of course, his post HAS to be a joke...let's hope, anyway.

Awesomely humorous post yet again, Weasel. I will forever think of Somalian camels on a hot day now. :P

kahara said...

Oops, correction:

"Well, they obviously put out."

Nosnikta said...

twirl tool twirl tool twirl tool twirl tool twirl tool twirl tool....

That's not easy to say.

CutNJump said...

Kahara- If he is staking out the schools in hopes of finding the women who 'put out', it reminds me of a guy who worked at the Comp USA next door to the store I worked at. He would bring his child into the restaurant/eatery area.

One day he's in there and the female coworkers of his are swooning over the kid whose barely a few months old. He makes a bold comment about how the kid is a 'chick magnet', draws a crowd whenever he takes it somewhere and he should use it to pick up other women!

I said quite loudly (as is my nature) Cuz' there's nothin' like an infant with a swingin' single Daddy, that says "Hey I already knocked up one girl, maybe I can do the same for YOU!!!"

Hey! Where did everybody go????

CutNJump said...

Weasel- Don't you usually post new material on THURSDAY'S too????

Ahem...

Weasel said...

I do CutN, but I've swamped trying to lie my way into a job! Hope to have some stuff up for tomorrow!

Walk On said...

"lie" your way into a a job? Well, I guess equal treatment has finally arrived...men on the casting couch. :D Hope she's a cutie!

(Puh-leeze, you knew at least one of us would take it that way!)

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Oh stop picking on the poor guy...it must be hard to get hired when you don't have cleavage on your side. ;-)

Weasel said...

Yes, I have horrible breasts.

And I have the stamina of a 13 year-old boy.

kalmanen said...

weasel, at least beautiful women flock to you even without putting ad like this of yourself. I just realized how great tactics keeping this blog is!

Nosnikta said...

We could pitch in and buy him a Wonder-Bro.

Ooooh! or I once saw a guy who had a false stick-on chest that resembled Tom Selleck's!

I won't tell you about the time I dressed as an old cowboy and glued gray chest hair on to myself. It didn't flatter my cleavage any and that glue really sticks!

CutNJump said...

Weasel just stuff your pants in lieu of the clevage. Us women look. You'll get better mileage and probably the job too!

wheelin126 said...

It's true he probably does cry himself to sleep every night cause Bubba is having his way with Mr. Pretty Boy being his prison bitch and all. Hanging out picking up on elementary school girls to "hook" up with will get your ass thrown in jail. He's just tired of getting it and wants conjugal visits so he can give it. I would cry for Tinkerbell the skater to if it weren't so damn funny!!

Anonymous said...

Ewwww... Mono-brow! Take it away!!!

Erik said...

Sounds like he was trying to be fecetious to me - figure skating? Elementary schools? Come on - this guy clearly doesn't think he's that pretty - it was an attempt at humor. You might not think it's funny, but pretending to be a cowboy? Come on.

El-Mango said...

"I've tried everything, bars, Frisbee Golf courses, pools, elementary schools..."

Elementary schools? PEDO WARNING!

And pretending to be a cowboy - no, you can't fake that.

doctressjulia said...

There is definitely something wrong with that boy. Brrrr.

oreos said...

fuglyhorseoftheday, with guys, having cleavage on your side is NOT an advantage...*vomit*

oh, and don't you guys know? elementary school teachers are HOT! ;P Just watch two-and-a-half men =D

Scritzy said...

Psssssssst ... Luke. You're no Johnny Depp, pal. Just thought I'd let you know.

Sometimes what we see in the mirror isn't what everyone else sees. Which is rather obvious in his case.

Anonymous said...

"COME HERE LITTLE GIRL/BOY I HAVE CANDY AND XBOX"

Anybody else getting this vibe?

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Igraine said...

Perhaps he should try to find some that writes as poorly as he does. Someone else that writes very crafty run on sentances.

Anonymous said...

PLEASE . . . GROW . . UP . . . You WANKER. This is old-fashioned, but I don't liek guys who cry themselves to sleep every nigth AND I like people who are modest, or who say this sort of thing in a sarcastic self-deprecating manner as a JOKE

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Jodie said...

"I've tried everything, bars, Frisbee Golf courses, pools, elementary schools..."

Elementary schools?!! That one got a double take, wether it was a poor choice of wording or he really does have pedophiliac tendencies, saying you look for dates on grade school playground isn't going to attract women to you, more likely those beautiful grade-school teachers are going to be calling the police about a strange man hanging around the grounds and he'll end up as balled inmate named Bubba's wife. And I'm sure Bubba will be glad to lend his pretty boy out on weekends to his buddy's, after all, as this beauty queen said in his ad, being so beautiful hurts.

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