Two Pump Chump

Need Help

Hello, I was wondering if any ladies would help me, I have a really bad problem with premature ejaculation. i need a patient understanding woman to help me through my problem. This may take a couple weeks, but I'm hoping you may want to help me, it's very important as I 'd like to be able to resume a normal sex life in the future. I'm desperate! Please email John at XX@XX. Open to any size or age.

Ferdinand Magellan discovered the Phillipine Islands in 1521, and by 1526, he had dispatched four separate Spanish expeditions to construct a map of the islands, an effort lasting nearly 5 years and requiring the mapmaking skills of 67 different artisans.

My how technology changes things.

John here can shoot a map of the Phillipine Islands on your stomach in 5 seconds all by himself, and he doesn't even need a tide chart.

Alfred Kinsey conducted a study in 1950 which concluded that 75% of men ejaculate within two minutes of penetration in over half of their sexual encounters. Not only did this surprise the scientists, but it also left plenty of time for coffee breaks. Coffee breaks often spent in the lab laundry room, where the female lab participants often "finished the study" on top of a Whirlpool dryer stuck on heavy spin cycle. Oddly, the scientists usually only watched for two minutes. Christ, they're scientists, ok?

Unfortunately for sex scientists, they were only paid by the hour in 1950, so the average annual income of a scientist in 1950 was 98 cents. On the bright side these same scientists went on to develop vibrators, and now they live in gold mansions and wipe their asses with the blonde hair of unwanted Norwegian orphans.

Since Kinsey's study in 1950, specialists in premature ejaculation have determined "premature ejaculation" occurs when a man ejaculates within 1.5 minutes of penetration. In an unrelated study, they also determined it's a really stupid idea to go to a bar and tell chicks "I'm a specialist in premature ejaculation."

So, back to John. It should only take a couple weeks for you to help him cure his problem, but remember, that's approximately 20,160 minutes, or at least 10,080 ejaculations. So make sure you have plenty of towels, and if at all possible, a pair of diving flippers. It's also a great opportunity to pre-decorate the interior of the house for Christmas.

And for John, might I recommend a numbing condom? It's a condom designed to numb your penis so you feel absolutely no sensation at all during penetration. So it's basically like fucking Lindsay Lohan, minus the freckles. Just make sure she doesn't blow you after you wear the condom, because when she comes up, she'll sound kind of like a deaf person trying to give you directions to the Museum of Modern Art.