Saturday, September 27, 2008

Animal Farm

Vegatarian seeks animal lover

Do you love animals? I am an animal lover who is seeking a woman who is the same and does not eat them. I currently have four dogs (one on the couch with a cast!), seven cats (two kittens, whoops) 10 rabbits two birds, two snakes, a turtle, 5 lizards and I keep a very large collection of rare fish in a custom built tank. Hurting animals makes me extremely angry and I will probably love my animals more than you lol. Call Eddie at XXX-XXX-XXXX

Way to finish Eddie.

Women love to hear that they will always play second fiddle to a cold-blooded lizard that sits under a fucking heat lamp all day eating lettuce. Share a birthday with the rabbit? You're getting carrots, and only half a bag.

Anyway, welcome to violent vegetarian Eddie's personal ad, which ironically also mirrors any mid-town Korean lunch menu. If you love men and animals and refuse to eat either, here's your chance to kill two birds with one stone. But I don't recommend you actually kill his birds, because it sounds as if you'll end up injured like his dog, in which case you two will spend a lot of time together licking each other's casts.

Eddie doesn't tell us much about himself in his personal ad except that he has a propensity for violence, he doesn't eat meat, and apparently he owns a petting zoo license. I think this is because when you live with that many animals, you tend to be the center of attention and everybody loves you. Maybe he thinks women will love him unconditionally just as much as his animals do. Ha!

Women only love men conditionally Eddie, and those conditions are far more complex than the thick, viscous casserole of ornate poo stains that decorate your carpet like a Van Gogh shit exhibit. Animals love you because you feed their mouths; women love you because you feed their mouths, ears, minds, and pussies. And unfortunately for you, Purina doesn't make any shit called Emotional Balance- For Women.

If you piss off your new vegetarian girlfriend, you'll come home to a plate of jellied calico cat with a side of steamed bird beaks.

33 comments:

Lynda said...

And my family says I have a petting zoo....

5 dogs, 5 cats, 2 horses, 1 mini pony, and 1 rat. I use to have 1 bunny but he died this summer from old age. And no Im not looking to 'replace' him. He got snuck in by a kid... I use to add 3 sons too on my list but Im down to one son at home now.

But as one of the guys at work says... I did get looking this way by not being at the top of the food chain... alas Im not a vegetarian.

Lynda said...

Ooops... 3 horses... I forgot... I have one boarded. Actually she's coming home today! and my 3.5 year old Paint, who is home, is going over to get some mileage on her. I havent had the heart to tell ole Pink her life of leisure is about to come to a screeching halt....

Laurel said...

I'm not impressed. He "loves animals" so much he keeps exotic pets like lizards and snakes. That means he uses his money to support a trade that sees ninety per cent of the critters imported die before they get to the pet store and nine out of ten of the captive bred critters die within a year of being sold to their new owners.

When I had (rescued) snakes, I rarely let anyone else see them. I considered myself to be the rare good owner, but everyone who saw the snakes decided they wanted one and could care for one. Again, nine out of ten of them were wrong.

Live animals and money rarely mix. The exotic pet trade is a disgrace.

Mary said...

I think this guy is a Knots Community card holder.

I love my animals, too. But my piece-of-grade-A-man-flesh-that-makes-me-howl comes first. Silly me!

4 horses, 9 chickens, 1 very confused duck, 1 dog, 5 sons. I was ordered to downsize. Used to be: 6 horses, 11 chickens, 5 ducks, 4 cats, 6 dogs, a pig and our 6 1/2 foot boa.

Mary said...

Oh, ya, and my favorite dinner is:

1 BIG Ribeye, still mooing with a side of a small ribeye that is trying to get off my plate and one more still pulsing ribeye for dessert.

My family is on strict orders to shoot me if I stop eating meat.

fleeting said...

The only thing better is a self-righteous vegetarian. I enjoy getting self-righteous back when I point out that meat eaters are more intelligent because we don't have fatty acid deficiencies, and thus don't have impaired brain function. (Not entirely correct, but my facts are straighter than most PETA campaigns, so...)

On a related note, if Eddie had horses, he sounds like he would be a prime candidate for a hoarder on the FHOTD blog.

fleeting said...

Correction:

*the only thing better than a vegetarian is...

Eccentric_Lady said...

Thought I was bad with 2 pets...

...and going to stop there before I get off on some strange-before-coffee-do-you-call-that-thinking
stint.

Anonymous said...

Meat, it's what's for dinner.

"Licking each others casts"

Ha ha ha, you always crack me up.

Hey, I want some of that Emotional Balance for Women. I if someone could really make something like that, they'd also make a fortune.

CaliGirl9 said...

If this dude were female, he'd be accused of being an animal hoarder. Someone call Animal Cops!

Look, I love my cats (6 in total, though 3 of the 6 are MY cats, the others are my daughter's) but this menagerie is entirely out of control. I wonder what his home is like.

Reptiles are also a turn-off. Sorry. My daughter's BF, who stays with us five days a week, brought home a baby spotted python, and my daughter and I are plotting how to relocate it. Actually I remind my daughter on a daily basis that we can be rid of the snake by her being rid of the boyfriend ... but I digress.

Weasel, I sense that a lot of money can be made for the person who does invent Purina Emotional Balance for Women (and another formula for men, I guess we could call that one Purina Dick for Brains or something).

Is a side of bird beaks a low-calorie dish?

Mary: It might be breakfast time, but that nice rare rib eye steak sounds dee-lish!!

Mary said...

Oh man, I just remembered! I have an ad on my home computer that is a perfect match for this retard! I'll post it tomorrow.

FYI, 2 new posts are up on Mary's page. Damn her.

ChestnutJumper784 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ella said...

Where's the Beef?!


Mary- one very confused duck? Do tell.

ChestnutJumper784 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Weasel said...

Chestnut- tell that to the guy that wrote the ad- I post them verbatim.

ChestnutJumper784 said...

See I thought you wrote that. WTF is wrong with me?!*#^ This is my brain on zero sleep and 48 hours straight of ER shifts. I wonder if I could be declared legally insane yet. Here's hoping...and off to bed.

ChestnutJumper784 said...

I'm a god damn idiot. Sorry.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

He had me until the "whoops" kittens. No real animal lover has an unspayed cat. I am a vegetarian though, and I'd love it if I could find a straight guy who wasn't a big pussy who was a vegetarian. Sadly they don't seem to exist. The non-carnivores are invariably spineless metrosexual submissives. Blech.

Let's be honest, there are a LOT of women out there with at least one pet they love more than any man. After a certain age, you realize the pet will still be there for you in ten years for sure, and the man? Eh, your odds of winning the lottery are probably better!

CutNJump said...

Ok, I used to have a boxer. Had her for 9 years.

One guy got offended when he said 'Dogs smell' and I told him we all do. Everyone has a scent or an odor abour us and maybe my dog didn't care much for his either...

Then the last one before I had to put her down, tried to make me choose between her (the dog) and him. Hmmmm had the dog for 4 years already??? He lasted 2, tops. But then I wasn't supposed to talk to my friends on the phone- that I was paying for, or my family... He even tried ditching out of my Dad's funeral. Nice touch there, eh?

I did find a good one and between us we have 10 horses, 2 ponies, a mini and four dogs. We had a turtle for a while and a cat that lasted 3 weeks before committing suicide by knocking the TV off the dresser and on top of herself.


Makes me want to serve this guy a nice meal of veal parmesian. Mmmmmmmmmm! Tasty.

Weasel said...

No worries Chestnut- didn't mean to come off like an asshole, I was running out the door and I slipped in the comment real fast!

ChevyGirl said...

He really had me until the "opps kittens" thing. ANd for any Mencia watchers on here I am ashamed! Remember what Mencia said on his last stand up show about vegetarians?


"Vegetarians are the root of global warming. We meat eaters are actually helping the environment by eating the thing that puts out the deadly gases. Vegetarians are the ones that eat the thing that helps converting oxgyen."

or something like that. But he said something else along the lines of vegetarians not wanting to eat meat, but yet a plant has skin, and a plant can breathe. So therefor the plant is alive, and they are eating something living that may have feelings to!

Lynda said...

I have a friend who's male, likes animals and is a vegetarian. He's a wicked micro-manager and drives me crazy sometimes. So they do exist.. but even they are dicks.

However my BF is definately a meat eater. We both like t-bones mooing on our plates... hmm should have read these comments before I started dinner... we are having chicken tonight! that I dont like clucking on my plate!

Merridyn said...

there's another word for this guy. Unless he has some kind of lisence, he's on his merry way to hoarding. Probably why he put that pic up rather then one of him at home. And the lizards. Exotics DON'T make good pets unless you are an expert. Just a personal thing, but I think every state should require a lisence for reptiles.
Weasel, when I saw the pic I thought I was supposed to go find a clam bucket!!! Those are some damned cute little fur balls. But I'd like them minus HIM!

Merridyn said...

Fugs, you touched on another peeve of mine SPAY YOUR GODDAMNED CAT!!!! I spent a summer volunteering in a vet clinic, helping with cat spay after cat spay after cat spay (many were ferals trapped and brought in by wonderful people who cover the surgery:) ).
Your cat does not need the wonderful experience of being a mommy once before you spay her. She doesn't care. And it removes 2 ovaries plus one uterus that could develop cancer later. Or cysts. Or Pyometria...get my drift yet? If you want to see cute kittens, go to the shelter and volunteer. If you WANT a cute kitten go to the shelter and adopt one.
We had to spay pregnant ferals. Before anyone shoots me, what are the odds that that same female and ALL of her kittens will magically walk into the traps again before ever reproducing? Zero. Zip. Nada. Some will get hit by cars, but that's not acceptable population control.
On the off chance that asshats are reading this, here's something you should know about your kitty: Your unspayed cat is a SLUT. That is a fact, not a moral judgement, so stop anthropomorphosizing. She IS going to go find a boy friend (neuter your cat!!), get knocked up, and you may never see her again. Ovaries=wanderlust. Testicles=wanderlust. In fact, both ovaries and testicles= LUST! Cat's breed like fucking rabbits. And the kitten crop is on the rise where I live due to global warming. I live in the northeast, and 2 years ago there was a litter in february because it was warm enough for dandelions in december. And don't make excuses. If you're on a tight budget, don't use a private vet for the spay. We do hundreds of low-cost spays, neuters, physicals and vaccines at a fraction of what private vets do. Just be sure to choose a reputable program. If you are a GOOD owner (AKA you are responsible about your pet's basic care) there are organizations that might help with cost. Believe me, we would much rather have Paws for Love help someone who provides a good home with the spay/neuter cost than have that cat in our shelter. We don't live in a perfect world and plenty of loving owners have to euthanize a pet if they can't pay for emergency surgery. If you provide good basic care and love, I will not pass judgement for that. But some things are NOT negotiable. Spaying is a responsibility of ownership, not an option. Okay... Of my soap box. Sorry for the rant... i just gets tiring picturing all of those feral moms that were probably born to feral moms.

Anonymous said...

While sitting here last night eating my "BACONATOR" I pondered for a quick second the thought of giving it up to be with this guy. And then I realized that I will probably love that burger more than I would ever love him.

Mary said...

MMmmm Wendy's Baconators are AWESOME! This morning for breakfast I had 2 sausage patties and 4 strips of bacon. Good stuff!

kahara said...

Ugh...spaying and neutering. It's a one time fee, quick recovery, and so simple to have done. I don't get why people just overlook that aspect.

Last year we had a random skinny little black cat show up at our house. We didn't keep cat food outside at the time for our cats, so I don't know why he picked us; he just did. The poor thing was so thin that he looked totally out of proportion; long tail, short legs, GIANT head, dull matted coat (short hair though). We dubbed him Fugly, lol. My husband brought home some leftover sandwhiches that his work provides for snacks, and I slowly gained the cat's trust with the meat and cheese (even the bread!). I was able to catch him in our cat crate with a string attached to the door so I could shut it and still be far enough away from him. We had him fixed, tested for feline diseases, vaccinated, aged (five months at the time) and kept him even though he's a feral. During the time before and after his appointment, he would sit in my lap when I was on the computer and his purrbox is SO LOUD. But a half hour was his limit and he would want back in the crate.

A year later, he follows and talks to me all the time, and once in awhile he'll allow me to pet and scratch him. He filled out and is quite a sleek shiny cat now. He craved attention and tries really hard sometimes but he just can't quite get over that hump of originally being a feral.

Nosnikta said...

I have serious concerns that I'm a hoarder :-|

But my family and I have always had a plentitude of critters on the place... so I come by it naturally. The ONLY difference is the fact that I DON'T ask for someone else to support my obsession, and I DON'T expect to get rich from it lol.

Right now I have 15 head of very nice horses (two sets.. one I call the A-Team *** the currently active pleasure, speed, and cow horses *** and one is the B-Team waiting in the wings to become fabulous).

I have dogs... all males but for one spayed female.. so no random pups. We do have barn cats that control the vermine population (snort, but my daughter had to spend three hours in the principal's office for helping a friend sneak some baby mice into school that they were trying to save) .. and only one house cat that thinks he's a dog.

We have a goat (for the daughter to practice goat-tying on... but so far that particular goat has kicked her butt moreso than the other way around). And we have a rescued calf that oftentimes makes man-slave and me drool at the thought of a ribeye when we look at his big fat butt, but he's such a crippled dorky runt that loves his herd of horses so much that we just can't bear to bbq him unless he starts to turn evil like the nasty white roosters on the place.

If I could catch them, I would kill them. But it IS fun to watch them chase unwanted visitors lol.

Anonymous882 said...

I hope this guy is not enforcing his vegetarian diet on his naturally carnivorous dogs and cats, and most reptiles are carnivores or omnivores (wonder what he would do if one of his snakes eats one of his rabbits -- get extremely angry? At who/what?). Vegetarian foods for carnivorous pets are made now for these types of wackos but I consider it abusive to feed them. Regular grocery store and even the vast majority of pet store foods already have way too much grain (shouldn't have any for dogs or cats) in relation to meat, besides lots of other horrible stuff.

Vasectomies can also be performed on dogs and cats and are becoming more common especially in dogs, so there is that option for people (usually men) who really want their dog to keep his balls.

xenobiologista said...

Agree with Anonymous882 - if you're vegetarian because you think it's immoral to kill animals under any circumstances but keep carnivorous pets, you're a hypocrite.

(People who are vegetarian because they think that humans should REDUCE their killing/exploitation of animals I can understand...but you have to be realistic, there is no way to live on this Earth without killing something.)

Tiffany said...

Oh my God, I know this post is from ages ago but you have to let me know how to get in contact with this guy.
You see, my sister, well she's a weirdo too. Actually, she IS this guy, only with female bits. No wonder she's never been able to keep a guy. This man is her soul mate and she has yet to meet him.
She can add her 20 or so animals to his and... I dunno... what do crazy-ass animal people do once in a relationship? Become furries?

Tiffany said...

Damn. Nevermind. My sister eats meat.
I guess some things just aren't meant to be... :P

Anonymous said...

I'm a vegetarian female and to be honest I will probably never date a vegetarian man. Most are just too over the top for my tastes. Yeah I don't eat meat but I'm not going to talk down or preach about vegetarianism to everyone I meet (so incredibly rude). This "lovely" man(???) sounds like a pure bred dolt. Hopefully someone will step in and rescue those poor animals that are trapped with that crazed lunatic.