Extremely Suave Redhead Seeking Sophisticated Lady - 21
Why hello there ladies, I am a fiery redhead with a passion for all things sensual.
I wish to wine and dine you all night long.
Do you find me attractive?
Shhh... You don't have to answer now, my lovely.
Simply send me a message.
Damon, the ladies have sent you a message.
It reads "Please don't order the cheese, because we're fucking swimming in it."
To most of us, "suave" is defined as "an intrinsically gracious and sophisticated behavioral manner expressed by a worldly, educated and mature individual."
To 21 year-old Damon, suave means "Hey, check me out, I'm sucking down some fucking wicked grapes at Bennigans on top of the Cincinnati Holiday Inn. And hey, I washed my balls with soap this morning."
Hoping to plunge his autumn foliage colored genitals deep into the seasoned vaginas of the 30-something set, Damon attempts to create an aura of elegance and maturity. Unfortunately, the "Fainted Badger" hairstyle courtesy of the Sequoia Nation Supercuts doesn't help, nor does the $98 Men's Wearhouse church suit for boys.
Getting laid is tough enough for a clueless young man that looks like a shoo-in for the lead elf position at Nordstrom's Christmas Village, but Damon must also fight the uphill battle of possessing pubic hair that resembles a burnt Nevada mountainside.
Here's my advice Damon. Stop trying to portray yourself as some sophisticated, worldly intellectual. Drinking wine at 21 doesn't make you an intellectual, it makes you a goddamn pussy. At 21, you're supposed to be ramming house keys into a Keystone Light, chugging it, and vomiting on your Abercrombie and Fitch sweater. Believe it or not, in college that gives you a better chance of getting laid than posting an online ad with a picture of yourself ordering a steamed halibut with carrots.
Every woman over 23 knows you're going to treat her like a beer keg in bed anyway- you'll just pump away furiously until foam spews out of your tap.
And that, my friend, will never be suave.