Monday, September 15, 2008

Young And Cheesy

Extremely Suave Redhead Seeking Sophisticated Lady - 21

Why hello there ladies, I am a fiery redhead with a passion for all things sensual.
I wish to wine and dine you all night long.

Do you find me attractive?

Shhh... You don't have to answer now, my lovely.

Simply send me a message.
Damon

Damon, the ladies have sent you a message.

It reads "Please don't order the cheese, because we're fucking swimming in it."

To most of us, "suave" is defined as "an intrinsically gracious and sophisticated behavioral manner expressed by a worldly, educated and mature individual."

To 21 year-old Damon, suave means "Hey, check me out, I'm sucking down some fucking wicked grapes at Bennigans on top of the Cincinnati Holiday Inn. And hey, I washed my balls with soap this morning."

Hoping to plunge his autumn foliage colored genitals deep into the seasoned vaginas of the 30-something set, Damon attempts to create an aura of elegance and maturity. Unfortunately, the "Fainted Badger" hairstyle courtesy of the Sequoia Nation Supercuts doesn't help, nor does the $98 Men's Wearhouse church suit for boys.

Getting laid is tough enough for a clueless young man that looks like a shoo-in for the lead elf position at Nordstrom's Christmas Village, but Damon must also fight the uphill battle of possessing pubic hair that resembles a burnt Nevada mountainside.

Here's my advice Damon. Stop trying to portray yourself as some sophisticated, worldly intellectual. Drinking wine at 21 doesn't make you an intellectual, it makes you a goddamn pussy. At 21, you're supposed to be ramming house keys into a Keystone Light, chugging it, and vomiting on your Abercrombie and Fitch sweater. Believe it or not, in college that gives you a better chance of getting laid than posting an online ad with a picture of yourself ordering a steamed halibut with carrots.

Every woman over 23 knows you're going to treat her like a beer keg in bed anyway- you'll just pump away furiously until foam spews out of your tap.

And that, my friend, will never be suave.

31 comments:

Nosnikta said...

OMG! You did a most outstanding job on the commentary here. There are so many segments that made me laugh that I'd have to c&p the entire thing to comment! So, I'll just laugh and giggle.

Fainting Badger? (SNORT!)

This poor kid. Life moves way too fast to spend time pretending you are older than you are. Pull a clean t-shirt over your head, mess up your hair, smile, and go find a fun girl your own age.

Anonymous said...

"fainted badger hairstyle"

Hahahah ahahaahhaahahahah! ha ha ha ha! Oh my God! Ha ha ha ahahaha!

Anonymous said...

He's a 21 year old kid. This is mean-spirited, Weasel. I'm certain that all of us did things when we were 21 that we looked back on and thought better of. We were probably also fortunate in that it wasn't posted on a blog with a bunch of people making fun of us.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Oh, anonymous, get the hell over yourself. My 21 year old self was busy applying for graduate schools and finishing my degree - I can't think of one thing I regret from age 21, and I'm far from a saint. Then again, I also cut my hair, showered and didn't write stupid and pretentious personal ads.

"shh, you don't have to answer now, my lovely" makes me crack up EVERY time.

He also posted this inspiring picture; http://tinyurl.com/564tbq I am still trying to understand how that is supposed to turn me on or make him seem more attractive/likeable/etc

There are *at least* 20k girls within a few years of his age in this town...

Thingsthatperplexme said...

A brief Public Service Announcement:

To whomever started ripping into the guys on the gainesville craigslist, knock it off before you scare away all of my weirdos!! If we target them at their source, we'll run of material for Weasel! I can not let this happen! Cease and desist!

kahara said...

LOL, the first thing that came to mind was "The Sherman-ator." (American Pie, anyone?)

Poor kid.

teawithlime said...

anonymous said:

He's a 21 year old kid. This is mean-spirited, Weasel. I'm certain that all of us did things when we were 21 that we looked back on and thought better of. We were probably also fortunate in that it wasn't posted on a blog with a bunch of people making fun of us.

Yeah, Weasel, you shouldn’t be so mean to this pretentious, smarmy little prick whose penis would make an impotent hamster piss himself laughing. After all, he blew over half of his weekly Mickey D’s salary bribing a waiter to let him sit at a grown-up table with his glass of Kool-Aid. Don’t be so insensitive.

colorisnteverything said...

Anonymous,

These are the type of idiots that hit on me if I dare to stop studying for ten minutes and go out and get a drink. I am his age. Girls my age do not find this normal. We find it exceptionally weird and many people (not me) who don't appreciate this sentiment, can be exceptionally rude and much crueler than this little piece of satire.

Get a sense of humor, honey.

Mary said...

On thye lines of our Gawker messages, I looked up to see if I could find any of the following to help this poor kid out:

*HowdyDoody Fetish
*Richie Cunningham Fetish
*CarrotTop Fetish
*Paste White Boy From Suburbian But Listens To Rap Music And Says "Dawg" Fetish
*Wanna-Be Snot Nosed Brat Fetish
*David Caruso Fetish
*I "HEART" Nerds Fetish
*Bodies So White They Are Used As 3rd Country Runway Landing Guides At Night

While Googled turned up a few disturbing pages for 3 and 5, I didn't find any way to help this poor young chap.

Want to bet he has a pair of black jeans with chains that hang off his butter-ball looking ass on under that table?

Nosnikta said...

People make fun of me all the time :-D

(giggling at the kool-aid comment)

This makes ME think of Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber when he's standing at the bar during the fund-raiser with his orange tux leaning over trying to show off his butt. He's trying so hard to be classy, sophisticated, and sexy but it just ain't gettin' there.

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO MARY!

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Mary - they're blue jeans. check out this picture conveniently taken on the same outing; http://tinyurl.com/

The girl with him is smiling ( think she's suppressing giggles), but her eyes say "Becky, hurry up and take the goddamn picture, this guy is touching me!!"

ChestnutJumper784 said...

We twenty-somethings wouldn't touch this with a ten-foot pole. I'm pretty sure that's what has inspired this desperate attempt at the next age group. Firecrotch just doesn't get it...the suit is hideous and the camo does you no favors either (what is WRONG with the men on Craigs List?!?! GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!).

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Although I will admit I am glad he is wearing clothes and there was no need for kittens here today! = )
::shudders::

Lynda said...

Mary STOP!! Just Stop! Im still reeling over the last set you posted! What is with the fecal fetishes!

No wonder I live up here in Northern New England... we only have sex to keep warm up here! (just kidding... sometimes we do it as a birthday present too... or christmas!) :)

Mary said...

Hey! *I* didn't bring up the whole turd thing to begin with. And, other then mentioning for "Carrot Top" I got something interesting, I didn't SAY it. Where is your mind, Missie????

AHUH!!!! I JUST KNEW HE HAD JEANS ON!!!! I wonder if that is a WalMart backdrop, too?

Where as I'm sure he is a sweet kid, I'm also sure he plays Final Fantasy X only because Yuna wears a tight metal bodice and he thinks if she turns just right, he can see nipplage. I can only imagine the scene:

"SHHH MOM! I'm going to my room to do my homework! I'll take the garbage out in the morning. Don't forget to put extra start in Granpa Phil's suit. I have a 'thing' tomorrow. Love you!"

Slowly, Damon closes his door, taking one more quick glance to make sure Mom isn't creeping down the hallway.

"Ahhh, free at last," he states while he lovenly holds the case to his favorite game in one hand and a copy of The Princess Bride in another. Damon dims the light to the perfect viewing level, turns on his first TV and puts in what he deems as "The Greatest Love Story Of All Time". Once he hears the opening credits, he turns, ever so gently and lovenly to his second TV. His cool hand slides over the top of his Playstation.

A shiver runs down his spine as he whispers, "Tonight, my lady, 'tis you and I. All alone. Shh, shh, shh...Don't be afraid. I'll be gentle."

And with that, the whirl of his playstaion coming to life brings glee to young Damons heart. He nimbly takes the controler in hsi hands, grabs a box of kleenex and settles in for his night with the woman of his dream. A 3D video game heroin with eyes bigger then her feet and a waist smaller then her wrist all while watching his teacher, nah, his God, Wesley, roll down a hill yelling, "AAASSSSS YYYYOOOOUUUUU WWWWIIIISSSSHHHHHH!"

Ahhh, yes. Such a glorious night for the pastey and clueless.

Shut up right now! Yes, I know who Yuna is. Yes, I know every freaking line from the Princess Bride. Want to know the difference between Damon and I? For one, when I see a good looking person of the opposite sex, I do NOT curl up in the fetal position, insert one thumb into my mouth, the other into my ass and whimper for my mommy. Plus, I have tits. I already win!

Leave my typos alone...I'm at work!

Nosnikta said...

Oh (lol) My (lol) GAWD! (LOL)

Mary Mary Mary.... you are busting me UP!

kippen said...

He seems like a nice kid and one day he's going to be very embarrassed that he did this. On a dating level? No thank you.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

LOL Mary!!!! I love that movie - I think I need to watch it again soon to make sure I'm not scarred.

water_bearer said...

Hahahaha. The only thing that would have made it more perfect was if his name was "Chip."
Awesome Weas. Although, I have to say it was the "...and hey, I washed my balls with soap this morning." that did it for me. I once broke my rule and dated a younger man. Sadly, this area on younger men never sees much maintenance much less soap. I suppose they think the water running down their ass crack counts as washing. A waterfall of dingleberrys does not equal exfoliant. Damon may actually have a leg up on the competition. Literally. Then again, he could polish those little marbles with turtle wax, and it still wouldn't change the fact that he looks like a JC Penney's "back to school" ad for boys.

Lynda said...

Mary you have a gift for the written word! Mary should be the one doing Why Men hate Women blog!

I love that movie, Princess Bride. Ole Boyfriend just rolls his eyes...

Ive dated a couple of younger guys. Got burnt both times. They really dont know what they want. One of them IM still friends with. He's actually my car mechanic. So when ever I go in and the bill seems high I kick in the ole guilt trip... LOL It does work!

anniebanannie said...

Anonymous said...

He's a 21 year old kid. This is mean-spirited, Weasel. I'm certain that all of us did things when we were 21 that we looked back on and thought better of.

STFU. I did stupid stuff and lucky for me there wasn't an internet for it to get posted on (but I did get a photo of me from a "Toy's for Twat's party inserted into the Ag School directory, lovely). Besides, this naive pin-head posted this on the internet for all the world to see.

Piss off pin head.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

I kinda think the hair is cute but then again I have a weakness for redheads...
The ego? Nah. The stupidity? Nope.
I'm another 20something poor college student and I'll settle for my solo Ramen supper routine for the next 10 years, if the other option is getting stuck dating people like this.

Weasel said...

Someone please do a Why Men Hate Women blog. I'll link to it.

We could have online fights.

Tribblehappy said...

Aww, Mary, c'mon. I love The Princess Bride (and not for the romantic bits).

I think redheads are better when they're women ;) Not that I'm a biased redhead or anything! I never really liked red haired men though... I don't even want to imagine what the male equivelent of fire crotch looks like...

Liz S said...

Mary: Unfortunately I think this kids best bet is a Ron Weasley fetish (dont google it, for the love of God just dont)

Anonymous said...

Wow...as an early-twenty-something I'm sure glad I found a fabulous hubby!! If this is what the guys our age are doing now to "get chicks", thank goodness I'm off the radar!!

LOL Mary and Water_Bearer!! You guys cracked me up! (And W_B, I SO know what you mean about the "unkempt" balls....*blech*)

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

The only reason anybody wants to date a guy with hair that color is if he happens to have "Prince" in front of his name.

Otherwise, please dye your hair a color that does not resemble Tina Louise's beehive. "Fiery Redhead" only works in a personal ad when it's followed by "with 36C tits."

CutNJump said...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...
The only reason anybody wants to date a guy with hair that color is if he happens to have "Prince" in front of his name.

Otherwise, please dye your hair a color that does not resemble Tina Louise's beehive. "Fiery Redhead" only works in a personal ad when it's followed by "with 36C tits."


NO SHIT!!!!

I happen to have both- fiery red hair and big boobs (getting bigger with the girls on the way too).

With red hair and big boobs though-

NO need for a personal ad.

EVER!

Seriously.

Unless those big boobs have a ton of blubber supporting them. Then you aren't going to get any action that doesn't have either a battery pack or a power cord.

Unless you are at the local bar taking home all the chubby chasers or drunk men who are "goin' hoggin" with their beer goggles on.

Anonymous said...

This kid looks like Upchuck from the old Daria cartoon.

Anonymous said...

I find him attractive and yes, I would like to have him for a night.