Thursday, September 11, 2008

Jekyll and Hyde

White male seeking love and beauty

I'm an successful, attractive, kinky male, pretty down to earth guy open for a relationship. I enjoy beach combing, fire, hiking, playing with my dogs and cooking. I'm seeking a woman who likes the same, whose adventurous inside and out, and is loving and caring woman who wants a relationship longer than three months. Please note that this does NOT include money grubbing whores or fat women, and do NOT reply to this ad if you just want to leave me after a couple dates! I'm sick of women all bossy and rejecting! DO NOT REPLY IF YOU CANT MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND JUST USE SOMEONE ELSE. Robert

Holy crap.

He totally had me at first.

His ad had butterflys dancing in my stomach. I thought we finally posted a great personal ad here at WWHM headquarters. I clapped, giggled, and slurped on some applesauce in a state of girlish knee-knocking glee.

But then he turned on us. Somewhere between "loving and caring woman" and "money grubbing whores", someone obviously dumped a heated, steamy ostrich poo on his fresh melba toast.

Suddenly the dainty butterflies in my stomach turned back into caterpillars, and I vomited up a bunch of dry, scaly wings.

Watch out for guys like Robert, ladies. One minute he's the cat's meow, the next minute Robert has your cat stuffed into a fucking espresso machine.

WWHM would like to thank Prozac for sponsoring this personal ad.

36 comments:

Weasel said...

I'm having problems with Blogger tonight guys- this isn't how I wanted this ad up.

Ignore it. I'm done trying to fix it, and I can't post.

I'm off to a long weekend wedding, I'll see you guys next week.

Weasel

nosey said...

It's not?

I was laughing so hard at the first two lines my chair rolled backwards!

See weasel, your funny even when your fucked!

Nosnikta said...

What's sad is the fact that I know a lot of guys like this.

I bet he's sweet and nice in public but a brooding vehement ass when nobody's around to witness it. All his friends wonder why he doesn't have a girlfriend or wife because "he's sooooo niiiiiiiice!".

It's because they never see the Mr. Hyde side.

Hey Wease? ya gettin' hitched? :-) Save me some cake!

Anonymous said...

I'm just wondering if it really is a surprise to people that women can be conniving bitches. I think somebody should do a Why Men Hate Women Blog.

horsegal said...

Talk about unstable, yeesh.

I think my hubbie is going to get an extra-long with lots of tongue blow job tonite for just being the terrific emotionally stable guy he is. Hurry home, honey!!

horsegal said...

And, anonymous, you're right. Women CAN be conniving bitches. But those of us who don't have to be conniving to be happy already have wonderful men.

CutNJump said...

Nos- I lived with one like that!

"Everybody at work respects me. They may not like me, but they respect me."

Um, no asshole. I think they all pretty much HATE you. And they don't have to live with you...

teawithlime said...

So, to recap Robert's ad:

I'm a pretty down to earth guy open for a relationship. I enjoy beach combing, fire, hiking, playing with my dogs and SKINNING LIVE KITTENS WHILE MONEY GRUBBING WHORES LIKE YOU BEG ME TO STOP!!! STOP CRYING, BITCH, AND GO MAKE ME DINNER!!! which we can enjoy by candlelight with a nice bottle of champagne. Robert

Anonymous said...

is anyone else a little worried by the fact he listed "fire" as one of his interests?
-CHA!

Evergrey said...

Even if the woman reading the ad isn't fat, she will be so turned off by the total asshattery of your ad that she won't reply anyway, when you make a comment like that. And if she will, well, you probably deserve each other, heh.

4thehorses said...

Horsegal, now stop with the impure thoughts!

Anonymous said...

Horsegal,

Some of us don't need a man to be happy.

Lynda said...

Im bummed he doesnt want me... im fat! LOL Ok Im pleasanty plump... or so my BF tells me.

Of course my mare Emma tells me to lay off the ice cream.... damn mare! She needs to lay off those stud muffin treats I give her!

Im so bummed.... NOT!

Biskuits said...

I was done when he listed the word "fire" among his interests :P

nosey said...

teawithlime,

Good ad! It made me laugh!

Weasel said...

Teawithlime,

That's COMPLETELY what I had on this commentary at first.

I had a fucking bipolar response- I had him killing a seal, but then making you a fur coat, but then saying you could never wear that jacket around him because he loved seals, and then complaining he never wore the jacket he made you, and then breaking up with you because you wore fur.

I didn't think anyone would get it.

This ad is coming down! Worst response I've ever posted.

Writing sucks sometimes.

Weasel said...

Fucking love you guys- stick through the bad sometimes I'll make it up to you.

I'm cutting WAY back on my commentary- I got some great constructive criticism in my eamil this week, I know where I'm going wrong in my commentary.

I'm going back to how I responded in the beginning- short and sweet.

My head is getting too big.

Anyone have any Prozac?

CutNJump said...

I hear Zoloft works better. A guy I know is on Zoloft. His dog shit on the floor, right in front of him. He couldn't get mad at the dog no matter how hard he tried.

Weasel said...

Zoloft it is.

Meet you in the alley at 2100 hours. And bring my jar of capers Cut.

CutNJump said...

What is it with you and capers?

Lynda said...

Actually try Effexor. Works even better than zoloft. Less side effects too. Ok so I do better riding through chemicals... LOL Oh and get the time release... the straight up will kill your stomach!

I actually came off of my effexor for a while and Im going back... After having to deal with my sister's lately and everything else in my life... effexor here I come! LOL

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I have actually thought about doing a companion Why Men Hate Women blog! I could give examples all day of all of the reasons I'll NEVER be a lesbian:

whining

crying

neediness

pouting

emotional manipulation

nattering on all day about shit no one cares about

mood swings

acting helpless/inability to problem solve

starting shit for no reason

unrealistic expectations (i.e. the 250 lb. women with four kids by three different babydaddies and no job and a GED looking for a fit, athletic guy who earns 6 figures)

Oh yeah. If only I had more hours in the day!

ella said...

Fugly, we should all make it a contributive effort. Heaven knows all us women on here love to complain about other women just as much as we love to complain about men. You and Cut should start it and we'll all pitch in!
WhyMenHateWomen here we come!

nosey said...

weasel said

I had a fucking bipolar response- I had him killing a seal, but then making you a fur coat, but then saying you could never wear that jacket around him because he loved seals, and then complaining he never wore the jacket he made you, and then breaking up with you because you wore fur.

That is gold! I love it!

Lynda said...

Um Fugs.. Im a little on the heavy side... I have three boys all by the same daddy... You could say I had four kids and then I divorced the forth child....

I make the 6 digits, Im in an 8 year relationship that makes my head hurt occationally... like now. He use to own his own business but is currently unemployeed. However I DONT support him and he doesnt live with me. That just aint gonna happen! Oh yeah I have an engineering degree....

So not all us chubby chicks out here are scum bags... Ive met my fair share of skinny chicks who give BJ's to the cable tv guy to get free cable... of course most of them dont have teeth anymore...

CutNJump said...

OMG! Fugs, add to that list the fakeness- boobs, nails, laughs, tan, hair color and all the other accessories...

The credit cards to pay for the car so they appear to have money, the knock offs- clothes, shoes, sunglasses, handbags/purses- to find a Sugar Daddy to pay for it all without having to put out for it...

Hanging with the 'in crowd' even if it is only as a gopher, babysitter or mistress...

There's too much material there... Waaaaay tooooo muuuuch!

horsegal said...

weasel said

"I had a fucking bipolar response- I had him killing a seal, but then making you a fur coat, but then saying you could never wear that jacket around him because he loved seals, and then complaining he never wore the jacket he made you, and then breaking up with you because you wore fur."

Believe me, Weasel, an extremely high % of the female gender would have understood immediately. Wait, is this guy my ex??? lmao That is hilarious!

Oh, and anonymous, not sure where any of my commentary implied that a man was a must-have for happiness, (not), just was pointing out that if you ARE fortunate enough to have a loving, supporting, emotionally stable guy in your life, it's nice to let them know they are indeed appreciated.

coffeecrisp said...

Funny enough, Effexor just made me aggressive :D I was angry ALL THE TIME and I'm a really laid-back person. I got a lot done but felt like shit all the time. Maybe I need to try Zoloft....

wheelin126 said...

weasel said - "I had a fucking bipolar response- I had him killing a seal, but then making you a fur coat, but then saying you could never wear that jacket around him because he loved seals, and then complaining he never wore the jacket he made you, and then breaking up with you because you wore fur."

Okay where did you find him!! I know that's one of my ex-boyfriends where is he?! Aren't the bi-polar ones just great to be around...all nice and a great guy in public but behind closed doors they become the asshole from hell!! I'm glad I'm single amazing the headaches went away lol

CutNJump said...

wheelin126 said...
weasel said - "I had a fucking bipolar response- I had him killing a seal, but then making you a fur coat, but then saying you could never wear that jacket around him because he loved seals, and then complaining he never wore the jacket he made you, and then breaking up with you because you wore fur."

>>Okay where did you find him!! I know that's one of my ex-boyfriends where is he?! Aren't the bi-polar ones just great to be around...all nice and a great guy in public but behind closed doors they become the asshole from hell!! I'm glad I'm single amazing the headaches went away lol<<

~~~~~~~~~~

His name wouldn't happen to be M. Shepard would it? WoW! It sounds all too familiar.

Get an ass reaming in the car on the way from one side of town to the other to see the rel's. Get ripped up one side and down the other in front of the kids...

But then you're expected to jump out of the car all smiles and cheery faced! Can anyone guess why I left??? He sure couldn't figure it out.

Anonymous said...

Horsegal,

Do "loving, supporting, emotionally stable guy"s even exist?

I agree with FUGS on the evidence available to make a "Why Men Hate Women" blog. Honestly, it seems like the guy who wrote this ad has been exposed to too many women like that. I have no problem with eviscerating the arrogant, pompous jackasses but some of the guys being skewered on this blog just seem like they're being skewered for being gunshy about women.

Nosnikta said...

I have a loving and supportive stable-guy. Oh wait, is that stable "guy" or a guy who will sometimes saddle my horse for me? lololol Either way, I wouldn't put any money down on his emotional stability. Hell, he lives with ME.. that would make any man crazy :-D

Yes, women can be very wicked. There aren't very many women I truly trust not to scratch my eyes out and slit my throat while I'm sleeping. Heck, there are some who'd try it when I'm wide awake looking them straight in the eye!

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised more people aren't asexual. If sex didn't feel so damned good I might consider giving it a go.

Mary said...

After my divorce, my friends and family told me I got bored too fast. Most guys that came into my life had an expiration date 6 weeks from our first meeting. Either they settled in too quickly, or there wasn't much more to learn after that time and I would move on to my next victim.

All I can say is HOLY FUCKING SHIT WOW! This guy would keep me on my toes. One minute we would be enjoying a nice meal and a mid-level resturant, giggling about the waitress with a camel toe right at our eye level, then BAM, I'd be forced to knock him off his chair, step on his throat and beg for someone to shoot him in the ass with a tranq dart before he started foaming at the mouth and eating the flesh from everyone's left boob.

It might be annoying, I wouldn't get bored!

Anonymous said...

>>acting helpless/inability to problem solve<<

My roommate is all over this one. But the men eat it up and are all over her. Meanwhile, Problem Solving Moi has been single for 13 years. Just goes to show you men like teh crazee.

Anonymous said...

Ug. Even if you don't like us fat chicks, actually proclaiming "NO FAT CHICKS" will basically guarantee that you will NOT get women.

It reveals you for the shallow jerkass you are.