Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Boomerang

Fantasy?

I have all kinds of fantasies, I want to have sex in public Do you have a fantasy? I want to go to a particular dark restaraunt in XXXXXXX and sit in a booth tipe table in the back. I want you to get me off at the table. Don't care what you look like I am overweight so if you are thats ok. I will make it up to you orally when we get home! Please be willing to do this. Reply to Craig at XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Why do I call this entry the Boomerang? Because I keep getting this guy in my email inbox. I throw it away, and a month later he comes right back to me. It's like catching hammers in my teeth.

Craig posts requests for women to come over and masturbate him, probably because he hasn't seen his penis since Hawaii became a state. Ironic in that both are very small, extremely humid, and difficult to reach.

I think guys like Craig post ads on singles boards simply because they can no longer masturbate by themselves. I imagine it's like throwing a piece of bacon into a gymnasium at night. They can smell it so they know it's out there somewhere, but it's just really difficult for them to find in the dark.

Craig needs to stop calling an elk a "snack", and replace his normal diet of livestock with a bag of baby carrots. Craig, if you don't know what a baby carrot is, try to remember what your own penis looks like, and then color it orange.

Otherwise, let Darwin's Theory take its course. Any man that cares about food more than sex doesn't deserve to reproduce. And you can't reproduce when you ejaculate lard.

Ladies, please don't send me this guy anymore. If I see it again, I'm going to rake my eyeballs over a cheese grater and boil the shavings in vat of child's paste.

As for the restaurant idea?

Check please.

23 comments:

Pilar said...

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!! My EYES!! MY EEEEEEEYES!!!
NO number of kittens can make up for that!!

Nosnikta said...

Omg, I will never be able to eat a baby carrot again without this image in my mind.

Chezza said...

The kittens didn't work and the clam bucket is overflowing.
What happend to fat guys using their 'good personality' to get women? We even laugh at good looking men when they wave their wanger at us. This guy makes us sick before we have time to laugh

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Ew.

Although in all fairness, at least men this size do not run around calling themselves Big Beautiful Men. At least the dude knows he resembles Jabba the Hut!

4thehorses said...

Do you think he's rich? I hope so for his sake, gak, it's just too fugly!

horsegal said...

Why am I fixating on how in the world this picture was taken? I mean, did he take it himself somehow.. or EEEEK, who on EARTH would have taken it FOR him?? His boyfriend? His mother????

*gack* I gotta go look at the kittens again.

Thanks for the great post, Weaz, and the brain bleach!

Jennifer said...

Thanks, Weasel, I was EATING baby carrots!

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Sick, dude. Sick.

ribbitsometimes said...

Gee I see cute kittens, then I scroll down and.....Throw up a little in my mouth!!!! OMG That is nasty, thank god your Swirly button is working I do not think I could handle the whole pic.
b~

Nosnikta said...

Yeah, but there's a carrot-shadow that keeps catching my eye. Then my brain creates a visual and I have to look away quickly while simultaneously suppressing a dry heave.

Can I poke him with a stick?

Thingsthatperplexme said...

OMG. OMG. EW EW EWEW EEW. That made me throw up in my mouth a little bit..

Nosnikta said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I missed this comment earlier:

*** And you can't reproduce when you ejaculate lard ***

CutNJump said...

Craig posts requests for women to come over and masturbate him, probably because he hasn't seen his penis since Hawaii became a state. Ironic in that both are very small, extremely humid, and difficult to reach.

Bingo! We have a Bingo! Weasel you nailed it dead on with this one.

Sadly Craig won't be nailing anything for some time. Hooray! It will keep him from reproducing...

Reminds me of a joke-

A guy goes to the doctor because he is overweight and hasn't seen his penis in years. He asks the doctor what he should do.

Doc- Diet.

Guy- What color do you suggest?


From the shadow on his leg it doesn't look like he is well endowed, even holding everything else back in hopes of creating a visual of more size.

Nos- let Fugs brace for this one. She made the first Jaba the Gut reference! LOL!

kahara said...

Bahahahahaha! I can't believe people put this kind of stuff out there thinking they'll actually get a response.

Or maybe he did at one point...ew. Someone for everyone I suppose, even if that means fixing his broken stool to meet up with his llama friend.

"And you can't reproduce when you ejaculate lard."
Fact Of The Day.

Indra said...

my god... I covered my mouth when I saw that (to prevent throwing up) and scrolled down as quickly as possible. Now THAT was mentally scaring..

Karmyn said...

That looks freakishly like my uncle. Well, the chest. I've never seen his bits and don't want to.
But I'm sure it's not him as he's gay and has more sense than this freak.

hersheygirl said...

ZOMG.
That's the grossest thing ever. And I spent my morning pulling a placenta from a cow, so that's saying a lot.
EEEWWWW.

Diane said...

If someone can stomach looking at that picture again, can you identify what's on the wallpaper border behind him? It kind of looks like cornucopia, perhaps representative of his favorite appetizers, before they are batter-dipped and fried...

As for who took the picture, I'm guessing a timer on his camera, or a webcam shot. Can you imagine asking your buddies to take a shot of your wang? I don't even have a wang, but I still can't picture doing that!

Biskuits said...

I dunno... I somehow made it passed the photo without feeling the nausea, but when Weasel pulled out the adjective "humid," I very nearly lost my painkillers.

Thanks, Weeze; you hurt me more with one well-chosen word than my ruptured ovarian cyst has been for the past three days. I admire your stylez.

Merridyn said...

Weasel, I don't think a cheese grater to the eyes will handle this amount of damage. I'm off to buy a fucking belt sander.

Mary said...

I don't think he's playing with his weene in that picture. I think he's giving birth to a Garder snake. A whole mess of 'em, actually...ugh...the heebie jeebies are almost unbearable...

Anonymous882 said...

"From the shadow on his leg it doesn't look like he is well endowed"
Damn it, I somehow missed that when initially viewing the picture but you just had to point it out, didn't you? LOL

Since this guy's sexual fantasies seem to involve food, maybe one of these would appeal to him:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/new_wearable_feedbags_let

Then he could eat with his hands free to try and find something with which to reach and stimulate his penis since no woman is going to respond to that ad.

Anonymous said...

Call itself "good looking" and expects to date a supermodel.