Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Leak

Shy man seeks ass play from woman

Ok, so I'm I like being fucked and fucked hard. I like having things in my ass(dildos, vegetables). for the most part anything goes, please be discreet. My wife wont fulfill my wishes and i know she would tell her friends i cant have that happen please please respond. ted

Wow, that's weird.

I hear the Pacific Ocean, but I smell Cleveland.

A lot of guys turn to internet bulletin boards to find women capable of fulfilling their fantasies. Unfortunately for these idiots, they don't understand that women consider a handshake and a smile a good first impression, not an unwiped asshole and a tray containing a shit-stained cauliflower.

But Ted has a legitimate concern. Menstruation, terrorists, angry dogs, maps, vaginas- yeah, they all can scare the crap out of a man. But nothing strikes more primal fear in the heart of a man than seeing two or more women talking and giggling. It literally causes our scrotum to retract over our genitals until our pubic area resembles a miniature kangaroo pouch. Because we know you're talking about us.

Ted's correct in that a woman would tell her friends. And it would take place in one of these giggle-centric woman-circles that always form at parties. We know these fortified circles serve only one purpose- to tell your friends everything you promised us you'd never reveal to anyone. We may as well tell you our deepest secrets with a bullhorn and several graphical charts in front of a live studio audience.

"Oh, hey girls," you might say, "my pussy-ass husband over there likes getting his ass plowed like a Vietnamese rice field. And when he cums, he makes a face like a giraffe eating a bowl of lemons." Then you'd all giggle and sneak a look at the offending party innocently, although it couldn't be more obvious had you been glaring at us through a telescope large enough to see purely theoretical planets.

There's nothing you can do about it Ted. In your fantasy world, a woman's mouth would always be closed and her legs always open. But in the real world, a woman's mouth stays open and her legs remain closed. And when her legs do open, her mouth just opens wider.

Know it. Accept it. Respect it.

Now on to more important issues.......

You really need to stop eating green apples.

34 comments:

Eccentric_Lady said...

Eeeww....pass the eye bleach.

He needs his ass pressure washed probably more then the siding of his house.

Rozie said...

Thanks Weez, for the trauma :(
You could have given us a cute kitty warning.LOL.
I just don't need to see what these assholes had for breakfast, i really don't, no woman does or wants to, so WHY do these clueless fuckwits keep putting them on their ads???

Anonymous said...

Goodbye breakfast.....


BTW, how come when I registered I could post that time. Now I can't get back on. Here and at FHOTD.

Fenfox

horsegal said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Eeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
GGgaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwdddddddddd

need bleach bleach bleach bleach

klgalland said...

gross. why do men think that any part of them are attractive? it's like that episode of Seinfeld: mens bodies are utilitarian. they don't look good naked!
--and why are his thighs a different color than the rest of his body?
--AND WHERE WERE THE GODDAMNED KITTENS!

Weasel said...

I KNOW, but I thought you guys might be sick of the kittens.

I'll kitten it up next time.

Gotta go to bed.

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Gee Ted, I really don't know why your wife doesn't want to stick some nice crisp veggies up your discolored ass. That poor woman! No wonder she has to go talk to her friends about the weird shit you're into. Does she let you sit on the furniture with that ass? I was not at all prepared for something that awful. Maybe kittens should be mandatory for dirty assholes and vomitalia?

Vomitalia [vom-it-tal-lee-uh]
noun-anatomy. Genitals that cause a person to vomit.
[origin: 1997]

agustin96 said...

This is way worse than any cock shot!!! Ughhhh!!! At least he had the decency to shave... Better than looking at an ass the appears to have had a squirril crawl up inside and leave its tail hanging out.

Thank god I have a kitten of my own....

Nicole said...

Its suprising Ted's wife would even consider fucking him in the first place...Her vibrator batteries must need to be replaced on a regular basis

amanda said...

So I was trying to eat when I opened this site. This ad will teach me to never try and do that again.

India Najones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CutNJump said...

GEEZUS WEASEL! Use the fucking swirl too! For Dog Sakes!

Some of us are working, trying to eat or both when posting comments. Have some consideration... *evil laugh*

But for this one, maybe the swirl tool would have made the picture less usable- just like this guy is! LOL! Maybe just blur the worst parts of his brown eye...

The ony brown eye on a guy I ever want to see is the pair of them located on his face.

The single southern one- well NOTHING good ever comes from there.

NOTHING!

EVER!

Chezza said...

Even a drunk, tranny wouldn't touch that....I mean does he know what baby powder is? Seriously, he is either a naked cowboy or his thigh/ass friction puts off more heat than the sun.

I have to wonder if his wife also refuses to buy him a loofa?

kahara said...

WTF, did he wash his ass with iodine before taking the picture? Or rail himself with a three-week-one-the-vine zucchini? That is such weird discoloration.

And if he thinks his wife is going to talk (after, she DID marry him and there's a whole lot more involved with that), what does he think his random butt fucker will do?

Typed on her blog and CL Rants & Raves:
"You'll never believe what this guy wanted me to do. First he asked me to put a Ron Jeremy replication on his 18v Powerdrill and didn't even scream when his anus started melting. After THAT, he wanted me to pack as many russet potatos into his rectum as we could fit, and then kick his south end with some pointy-toe pumps. BA-HAHAHAHAHAHA"
(rest of the world) BAHAHAHAHA

water_bearer said...

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Damn you Weasel! If EVER there was a reason for the stupid fucking kittens! No warning? Christ. I look like a giraffe that just sucked down a bowl of lemons and I can't get my face unstuck from the initial cringe.
And seriously...
WHAT. IS. UP. WITH. THE. DISCOLORATION??????
I think is see a polyp.
I have to go vomit now.
Thanks.

Mack Truck said...

Why doesn't this guy just advertise for a gay encounter?

Y'all know the ones; where the guy says he's "bi-curious".

Ugh. Just UGH!!!

Dude, we women don't want to see a picture of your hard on, so what makes you think we want to see THAT part of your anatomy?!

Gack! I really think I need some brain bleach, and possibly a frontal lobotomy.

That is totally disgusting. Seriously, what IS it with men who think we want to see their nasty buttholes?

Thingsthatperplexme said...

This really does PerplexMe...

And from that angle, I think he couldn't have possible taken it by himself? (unless he has Stretch Armstrong arms...)

And that doubles the gross-ness.

CutNJump said...

Perplexed- if he does have stretch armstrong arms and did take the picture himself it might not have been in focus enough for us to see anything. Not that any of us wanted to, but still.

Unless it is exactly what he is looking for in his 'new man'- Aim & Shoot.

water_bearer said...

Go go gadget ass shot?
Awesome.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

You know, when I first heard about anal bleaching, I thought it was kind of a funny idea. But in this case I'd say it's highly recommended!

And again, guys? If you want somebody to play with your prostate, stop bothering the women and go find another guy. Trust me on this. No women actually wants to do what you are talking about. And hell YEAH she will tell her friends if you make her do it anyway, and they will all laugh until they snort their margaritas out their noses.

Evergrey said...

Time for the retired pro domme to talk again!

First off- ack. Some women do in fact love to peg men. However, that's not really the best way to sell her on your ass, dude.

Second- some people develop excess melanin in certain parts of their bodies, and there's no scrubbing it off. Mostly I hear about women having this issue, but it's quite possible men do too. I have NO idea if this is what happened with this guy though. Not an appealing picture at all, heh.

Third- waaaaay more straight men than you'd think are into anal on themselves. The prostate is the male g-spot- in fact, the female g-spot consists of proto-prostate glands. A lot of men are worried that liking taking it up the ass means they are gay. Naw, it just feel really really good. I think that strap-on was one of the most popular things at the dungeon I worked at, though I didn't do it myself.

This guy? He is MARRIED for fuck's sake. I really think that married people should try to do stuff with their spouses first. I mean bringing up the subject by talking about how you heard that it's the male g-spot and asking what your spouse thinks, or saying you saw a little segment about it on some kind of TV show to break the ice and see how she reacts is what I suggest. If that doesn't work, go to a pro domme.

And yeah, some porn stars take ass pictures. They bleach their asses. Seriously they do. That sounds really fucking painful to me, I mean bleach and mucous membranes don't really sound like they'd be fun, but anyway that's why they look "pretty." Actually I don't think they are all that pretty but whatever. Anyway if Mr. Asstastic here wants to jack off to the fact that he posted his ass on the internet, that's one thing, but if he really actually wants some figging, he has failed failed FAAAILED!

Evergrey said...

Oh fugs, I hate to contradict you, but I have met women who like to play with men's prostates and fuck 'em in the ass! There are actually chicks who like to do it. Not really my thing, but a number of my co-workers liked it. Hell, some had Polaroids on their lockers. And some had their own collections of dildos and vibes. I shit you not!

Some women like it when a man ejaculates all over them too, but not as many women as men whose main experience is from watching bad porn seem to think. :p

anniebanannie said...

Gotta have a cute kitty warning next time. Really.

You could be creative and use puppies, bunnies, flowers, foals, etc. There are a lot of cute things.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

CnJ - I think "Aim and Shoot" is an ex of mine, LOL.

Then again, if he had stretch/gadget arms, he could fuck himself all day long and spare us the trouble.

Everygrey - That'd be a very educational job to job shadow! :D

water_bearer said...

Well, evergrey, Fugs is right on one point. My two best female friends are in long-term relationships with very hetero men. One couple is married. Both men have asked for, and gladly received several things up their respective asses by their lovers whether it was a finger, a finger-tip vibrator, or a full gear strap-on. But, as fugs and I are pointing out - why do I know about it? Because the women told me.

CaliGirl9 said...

Wouldn't a nice aggressive colonic irrigation do the trick for this dude?
I can think of plenty of things to shove up there. Sealed in by a nice kick in the butt with a pair of shit-covered boots.
Gah, I am nasty today!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Evergray - I have always thought it's such a shame I could never keep a straight face long enough to be a dominatrix. I look great in latex, I can freakin' jog in 4 inch stilettos, but damn...there's just no way...I'd giggle for sure.

I have a friend who does it in L.A. and just makes money hand over fist. It's the easiest money on earth but I know I'm not that good of an actress. I'd totally start laughing!

Evergrey said...

Haha, sometimes it's easy money, sometimes it is so not! It can be very physically and emotionally challenging at times.

But I bet you would kick ass in leather, sure thing!

The laughing happens after the session when everyone is having coffee in the employee lounge. Oh gods the stories we share!

I mean, marching band uniforms and egg throwing- who knew that someone would have a fetish for those two things at once?

Lynda said...

Evergray and Mary you have both taught me things that frankly I was ok not knowing! LOL

I never realized how oblivious I was to the world and in a short time you both have educated me beyond words. :) Must be the puritan upbringing we have here in New England...

Or not....

One of my former co-workers has an adult daughter who apparently teaches sexuality. He gave me money one time to pick up a whip for him to give to her. I was going to Equine Affaire and he said it was a joke. Later he told me....

I boarded at a barn that put an ad in the local paper for used tack and such. A woman responded and some of us happen to be there when she showed up. We knew immediately that she didnt have a clue about horses....

She was amazed at how cheap we were selling old leather reins and such. She even bought an old broken jump saddle. She stayed for a couple of hours... told us what she usually paid for stuff like what was being sold. She ended up taking everything. Left us her number and told us to call her first if we had anything for sale. We called her a few times with stuff. She was a great customer.

She was happy and we were too as we sold her stuff that was broken but she didnt care.

Mzfilly said...

Hole-ie (pun intended) moly! I really needed some eye bleach for that. GACK! Yeah, I'd much rather see a nasty cock shot than that.

There is NO kitten cure for that ass. Sorry.

Evergrey said...

Haha, at the old dungeon we had a saddle in one of the rooms, but nobody ever wanted to do pony play. Had some curry ombs and a bit and stuff too, come to think of it. At the time I had no idea what the curry combs were used for really.
Shit, I wonder if that saddle is broken or in good working order? If it'd fit my horse I would totally trade the endurance saddle I bought for it.
Well, so long as no one's nasty bare ass has been on it. Some things you just cannot wipe away with a sponge.

CutNJump said...

Everygrey- A friend of mine used to work for the one city police department- mounted patrol. One of the officers used to enjoy sitting nekkid on the saddles...

I would have to agree, some things you just can't wipe off or wipe away...

All kinds of eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!!!

Anonymous said...

What makes you think that a man's fantasy is for women to have their mouths always shut and their legs always open? I am appalled, not at the blatant sexism of this remark, but the sad knowledge that a man wrote this, and that most men think that this is a good thing. You know how a hundred years ago, women--not just men--women were convinced that a woman's place was in the kitchen and anything in defiance of that was ridiculous? This is just the same kind of self-destructive discrimination, believe me.

And I am a woman.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous 2:49 above me

If my girlfriend ragged like you all the time, my fantasy WOULD be for her to shut her mouth and open her legs.

But I'd get her to wipe the sand out of her itchy vagina first.

You are on a blog called Why Women Hate Men. It is going to rag on men occasionally.

/love feminists/equal rights
//hate bitches
///commenting on an old post, awesome