Tuesday, September 2, 2008

WWHM: The New Most Disgusting Personal Ad Ever

Tiny Cock Needs Sucking! HELP!

If any ladies are still up and craving some cock please help me!? Its been 3 years since I had sex or a nice blowjob! I am not the best looking guy or biggest penis either. But good with my tongue and kissing! You come over suck me, If we want to do more then lets do it. Then you leave, if you have time tomorrow or next day come by again! I cant have people stay the night here. ASK ME FOR MY FACE PICS! ALSO IF YOU WANT TO HEAT THINGS UP OR TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT THERE IS AN ALLEY BY MY HOUSE WE CAN SURE TRY PUBLIC FUCK? PETER

The last time I saw someone blowing on something like that, he was leading mice out of a German village.

Anyway, meet Peter, an Amish man who unfortunately lost his actual penis in an acorn smelting accident. Amish surgeons successfully replaced his penis with a nipple from a cow udder, and now Peter gets an aggressive hand job every time someone in the village wants a fresh bowl of cereal.

Since moving out of the village Peter has been rather horny, and to entice you frisky vixens over to his mom's basement, he proudly presents what at first glance appears to be Burger King's new 1/4inch Chicken Sausage wrapped in a light pork casing. Dip that thing in mustard and coat it with sesame seeds, and you'd have hordes of Chinese kids chasing you down the street with chop sticks.

Unfortunately, Peter's skull still needs to be halved and bored out like a picnic melon if he thinks this fucking pigsty of a personal ad would even attract a horny and blind porn star fresh out of black tar heroin.

If your ideal man resembles a cobwebbed Chia Pet with a bulbous, pale thorax, maybe we might have had a good start. But the dirty, semen-stained Old Navy sweatpants leading to white Wal-Mart socks elegantly matched with a pair of black Crocs doesn't help the cause of penus nonexistus. Women may be up for watching you masturbate on occasion guys, but for the love of Christ, take your fucking socks off. If masturbating makes your toes that cold, you need more blood.

Clean up your rat's nest, and extract that multi-plug outlet. Plug in a vacuum cleaner, a hair trimmer, and a Mogen clamp, which is used in circumcision procedures. Clean that craphole up, trim your abdominal hedges, and clip the tip off that elephant snout. Moisten it with oil, dip it in flour, fry it and serve with garnish and cold milk.

Also, plug in some lights. And for the love of God, turn them the fuck off.

Uuuughhhhhhhhhhh.

68 comments:

Weasel said...

Yes guys, this is the ad I was talking about.

I ran it past some readers for a preview, and they said "ehhh, not THAT bad."

But something about this ad really gets to me. The first time I saw it, I gagged. The same for the second, third and fourth time.

Sorry if I overhyped it, but it makes me fucking sick, more so than any other ad I've seen since I started WWHM.

It boggles my fucking mind that ANY human being could be THIS clueless about what women find attractive. Because this guy clearly nailed everything he could possibly do to make himself as unattractive as possible.

I'm going to take a shower now. Meet me in there, will ya?

Anonymous said...

*grabs the loofah*

Coming, Weasel. Coming.

The Hatter said...

*grabs bleach and hysrochloric acid*
Coming, Weasel.

fjordwoman said...

I have to agree with you on this one, Weasel. This guy is disgusting and clueless on so many levels. There are halfway decent, sweet, kind, good-looking guys out there who aren't hooking up with anyone, and this ass thinks he's got something to offer?
And that thing he calls a penis? It's just sad, really. Very, very sad.

wvfarmgirl said...

OMG. What is that THING? It looks like it was cut off at one point and the leftover skin was pulled up and tied together with some baling twine until it healed.

I think I'll stick with the kitten.

Catherine said...

One word perfectly sums up my thoughts on both the picture and the ad:

eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Okay, so I guess that wasn't a word, just a bunch of vowels and consenants strung together, but eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww, ick, gag, sputter, cough, hack, and snort were a little to long to type. Whoops, just did it...

Kitten...must see kitten...

Weasel, the ad was horrific, but your monologue was "spot on" as Chef Ramsey might say.

Thanks Weasel, for letting me see what trash I might have had to wade through if I had not married my hubby and what I might have to deal with after I strangle the man for not letting me see more than one New Kids on the Block concert next month. (grrrrr)

Black Money said...

Haha, even my OH enjoys reading this stuff!

nosey said...

weez, I think "cow nipple" might have been a little generous. Maybe the "leftover tail tip of a roadkill armadillo" would be more accurate.

That being said, you were right... gross.

Anonymous said...

Nooooooooo!
Don't encourage him to take his socks off! If his dick looks like that, I sure as hell don't want to see his feet!

MIC said...

I don't even comprehend what I'm looking at. I assume that’s an uncircumcised penis, but what IS that sticking out of the tip? Did he stuff his hole with roast beef hoping it might appeal to some oversized ladies? This needs to be shown to all these new age mothers considering not circumcising their sons.

Anonymous said...

Can anyone explain what is wrong with his pecker? I've seen my fair share and never seen one shaped like that.

I am also with the other poster, for the love of all thats holy, leave the socks/shoes on!


Fenfox

horsegal said...

Alternating between ROTFLMAO and this very strong urge to shower and scrub.. and scrub.. and scrub..

I mean, if you're going to show a snapshot of your old man to try to win the ladies, at least make it erect so it's out of its sweater. Gaaawwwwddddddddddd.

Oh, maybe it IS erect.

BRAIN BLEACH NEEDED! Back to the kitten! And the shower!

Thanks, Weasel - it was truly worth it! I would have to kill myself if I were single and looking... and that's all that was left. *shudder*

*Amber* said...

It's like a train wreck - I can't stop looking!

W-T-F?!?!?! If that thing weren't positioned between the man's gut and his thighs I definitely wouldn't have guessed it was a penis. Maybe he's one of those transexuals who used to be a woman and had a bad surgeon??

CaliGirl9 said...

I prefer your explanation as to what happened to this peen versus the truth that Mother Nature is likely responsible for it. Whatever it is.
I've seen plenty 'o peens as an RN. I have never seen one like this. I can't even figure out where a medical-type person would place a urinary catheter in this thing ...
I wonder if this dude had hypospadias as a child and suffered a very nasty repair job?
Weasel, consider posting this one a public service.

ella said...

damn, I AM single. and fucked apparently.
I knew you wouldn't disappoint weasel but I kinda wish you had!


I'm going to look at the kitten...

MIC said...

I think I figured it out. It looks like his dick is sticking its tongue out. Maybe he doesn't know that most penises don't have tongues.

ryan said...

I agree with a lot of you, I am SO SO happy that I am married and no longer have to be in the single pool. OMG if I saw that coming at me I would be spraying it with antifungal solution and running away at full speed as if trying to escape the plague. My God thats hideous.

nosey said...

caligirl9,

peen...I love that, I giggle every time I read it!

CutNJump said...

Leave the socks ON!

I think I have figured it out.

If you got this far, you haven't even begun to be grossed out.

I have never seen a peen (Love that word, BTW, love it!) looking like that- clipped, snipped or otherwise.

The only thing I can figure that thing on the tip is?

A wart!


Do us all a favor- men women and in betweens- Keep it covered and keep it to yourself Peter. And how appropriate is that? His name is Peter and his peter looks like that...

I can hear him whining now, "Thanks Mom!"

Indra said...

My god, do guys really think that's attractive to us? and who in their right mind would post a photo of themselves like that on the net, I guess that's the point, he's NOT in his right mind.

Emily Katherine said...

I definitely stayed home from school today, because I was sick and had a fever.

And now? I'm freaking -SICK-
I'm with Ryan on this one:
"OMG if I saw that coming at me I would be spraying it with antifungal solution and running away at full speed as if trying to escape the plague. "

Seriously, yo.
Keep it on your pants, for the love of god.
(And I agree. KEEP THE SOCKS/SHOES ON! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!)

kahara said...

WTF, it looks like a midget KKK member whose wife washed his uniform with the red colors. My eyes are bleeding.

Really though...it's not that bad of an ad. But you are correct; he pretty much accentuated everything that women DON'T want. And gee...I always love a good public naked romp next to the homeless man's dilapitated refigerator box. I think the city Chihuahua-sized rats might mistake something for a old sausage though. They can jump, you know.

Still any room in that shower for me? *bats eyes*

Ash said...

I felt really ill all morning...so either I am pregnant (which would be amazing since it would be the immaculate conception all over again!) or this picture upset my delicate disposition. Yikes. What do you DO with all that extra stuff there?

CutNJump said...

I can't believe I forgot to comment on the part about a back-alley-banging.

How can any woman resist getting nailed by this guy, with your back up against the side of a nasty dumpster bin which eminates with the aroma of spoiled meat and curdled milk? Might even be a dead body in there depending on the area of town and if you are brave enough to look!

Oh baby, hold me back. I want in on that kind of action.

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mack Truck said...

Dear God in Heaven, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT THING?!

My ex-husband wasn't circumcised, but I have NEVER seen any penis with what look like pencil erasers sticking out the end! Barf!

Weasel, this is truly off the charts of my Gross-O-Meter!

There's just SO much wrong with this ad, and not all of it is his disgusting, mutant cock.

Yeah baby, I want you to do me in an ALLEY! Gack, ack, blech!

I don't know if the brain bleach is going to help much. I may need to gouge out my eyes with a rusty spoon, and have a lobotomy.

ribbitsometimes said...

I knew I would be sorry looking at your blog to day weasel, just did not know how sorry!!! SO Nasty does not even begin to cover it!! Thanks for the kitten though :) This guy has gotta know how nasty he is Why else would he offer the back alley? Who in their right mind would want to be seen entering this guys mom's house let alone see him!!!!! yuck gag, bad thoughts uhhhhh. I think I'll go try and bottle feed the baby calves, scratch that, maybe later when I have this post outta my head!
b~

Nosnikta said...

WTF is that? It looks like when you hold a half-filled balloon and are waiting to release it into the air to fly around making spitty fart-noises.

CutNJump said...

Nos- Is that the same noises Mr. Can You Hear Me Now, makes? ROFL!

jilly said...

WVfarmgirl....I hate to say this...

But the horse in your picture has a much more normal looking penis on his head than Peter.

I'm still trying to decide if it really IS a penis...cause it sure as shit looks like a cow udder to me....

He says it's been a while since he's had a nice blow job. *strokes chin and looks about pondering* I wonder why.....?

Count me as another panicking single girl. Damn. If this is all there is left, I'd better get to work on that whole liking girls thing. Shit.

CutNJump said...

Jilly and all the other single gals out there- if Mr. Right cannot be found, just run down to the local sex shop and buy yourself a toy or two.

Like a Snickers bar, it will always satisfy you and never, not once, will it snore, fall asleep immediately after, leave the seat up or ask for a blow job!

AvenueFog said...

Hey Weasel, how about re-opening the vote? After that I'm sure you'll have some Nay (neigh) votes.

Blech

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

nip/tuck said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Dip that thing in mustard and coat it with sesame seeds, and you'd have hordes of Chinese kids chasing you down the street with chop sticks.

Oh my god! For the love of the poor Chinese kids... school them on stranger danger!

I'm also wondering if this guy is an ex-con:

Its been 3 years since I had sex or a nice blowjob!

Is that when he got out of prison?

CheekyBitch said...

What the fuck is that thing? The last time I saw something with an end like that Kyle McLaughlin was ridng a sand worms in Dune.
Seriously, what is wrong with the end?

Anonymous said...

The poor guy is fucked when it comes to his package but it's just his foreskin that everybody is freaking out about.

CutNJump said...

Anonymous said...
The poor guy is fucked when it comes to his package but it's just his foreskin that everybody is freaking out about.


Sorry but I have seen some uncircumcised peni before and none of them looked like that.

That is almost equal to a womans nipple in a sub zero freezer. Seriously. Did he put the tip in a vaccume of sorts to get that look?

horsegal said...

I think the problem is that he has a great big "purse" to carry a tiny wallet.

*shudder* back to the kitten

Jennifer said...

Aww, Weasel, that wasn't that bad! I was expecting to be scarred for life, and I barely gagged. :( I almost didn't even need the kitten!

Weasel said...

Speak for yourself.

This is image is etched into by brain like someone carved it into a tree trunk.

And I'm tied facing the tree.

MinxyQ said...

Here kitty kitty kitty

puss puss puss

here kitty kitty kitty

Anonymous said...

It looks like it has little feet sticking out of the end. Frightening.

FancyJumper said...

my first response was: ewww.

but then it changed to: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

poor, disgusting, stupid man...

let's all point and laugh

FancyJumper said...

looks like this: http://flickr.com/photos/experimetal/2565028314/

anyone else see the similarities? lol

Anonymous said...

So why can't he have people stay the night? Hmmmmm....

And I must say I actually prefer the way an uncircumsized penis feels, but I have NEVER, EVER seen one that looks like THAT! Never! Man that's nasty!

HillBill said...

Boulder Craigslist W4W - Desperately Seeking ANYTHING With Internal Plumbing - Recently scarred for life by the sight of the most disgusting penis in the world courtesy of some jerk who calls himself, "Weasel." Used to admire some of the finer ones but now I pray to never see one again. Had a lot of Jack Daniels induced fun with my girlfriends in the past, thinking I might was well roll with it.

Ashers said...

Riiiiight. OK, I am going to be all British and restrained and stiff-upper-lip here...although maybe "stiff" wasn't quite the right word to use, in the circumstance....

EEEWWWWWWWW!!!!! I wouldn't touch him with someone elses let alone anything of mine !!! I'm surprised with a belly that big he can even SEE the bloomin' thing !

Seriously Peter...sort out your diet, get some exercise, buy a hoover & a washing machine and generally start helping yourself !!! No woman is going to look at you as you are...

Evergrey said...

Good gods... prolapsed urethra? Is that even possible? :/

Kokorami said...

Okay, congrats. You've taken me from "Eye bleach, please?" straight into "Brain bleach, NOW" with this one. Thanks for the kitten, I need it...kinda sorry I asked now, but I guess you really do learn something new every day! Besides, when I feel snacky, I can go back to this post and lose my appetite.

WHY do you think someone wants to see this? WHO do you expect will respond to an ad like this? And is that the kind of person you want to attract? Eeekh.

(grabs a cake of Lava soap, bottle of limonene grease cutter, big scrubby + one bottle of Method shower stuff for future use) Make room for Koko.

btw--hatter! Good Googa-mooga! Nonono to bleach + acids, unless you like toxic gas (yes, worse than dog farts, or the smell of our guest Peter's socks).

Nosnikta said...

*** Nos- Is that the same noises Mr. Can You Hear Me Now, makes? ROFL! ***

hee hee hee... "GASP pbspbspbspbspbs ptooey"

Your Snickers comment reminds me of that commercial where the chick in the barn says "hunger just keeps pokin' at ya pokin' at ya" Leave it to a Snickers bar to save the day for many ocassions!!!!! LOL

Avoluv said...

Wtfwtfwtfwtfwtf...

...penis gellulitis?

It seriously looks like salmon-flavoured cake icing or something.

4thehorses said...

I honestly thought that we were going to get to see the dude in the bikini's dick!

water_bearer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
water_bearer said...

I thought it was a star-nosed mole myself... with mange.
Yeech!
I'm with you Weasel. This image is going to haunt me.
The thought of the amount of smegma he's packing in that little kazoo has made me vomit a little in my mouth.
Thanks.

CutNJump said...

I hadn't even thought of the smegma, good call water bearer.

Anonymous882 said...

How does this guy think prostitutes stay in business? Even unattractive women can get paid to do what he is asking for, but he thinks one is going to come by and suck him for free? I’m also wondering if he’s an ex-con who got out of prison three years ago because it doesn’t seem like he’s had any experience with women.

Uncircumcised males can do lots of weird things with their foreskin. When I was a teenager a friend’s younger brother used to arrange his in all sorts of different poses to show us, as we yelled, threw things at and tried to keep him away from us. One of his favorite “tricks” was to build a little foreskin balloon, fill it with urine and release it in various locations around the house, outside, on people if they didn’t run away fast enough, etc. Charming little kid he was. Maybe this what he grew up into.

SweetAsSugar said...

Omg what is that.. I'm so confused.. is that really a dick or is that some cruel joke.. I didn't know they came like that *vomit*

Walk On said...

I have seen uncut males....but I have never seen something anywhere close to this.

Notice it's not one, but two "nipples"...look closer (if you can) and there's an odd bump or something on the left side of the odd bump.

Ain't right...whatever the hell, it ain't right. Tiny cock doesn't need a blow job, he needs a doctor!

Weasel said...

Look closer???

I can't even LOOK!

wheelin126 said...

LMFAO!! Peter..his name is Peter sorry I just can't get past that part...

wheelin126 said...

FancyJumper said...
looks like this: http://flickr.com/photos/experimetal/2565028314/

THANKS FANCYJUMPER!!! I about pissed myself laughing so hard!!

This guys triple nippled weiner is freakier than the flying monkeys on the wizard of oz...WTF!!! Thanks for the kitten shot I'm still trying to focus on it now as I have finally managed to get over the whole Peter thing...well most of it anyways. EEEWWWWWW!!!

emilia said...

I'm gagging here, and not in the way this fella wants....I wonder if he has to use Excaliber to clean that.....if he ever cleans it .....

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

WHAT IS THAT?

I am so very thankful I have never seen anything like that in real life!

It kind of looks like it's wearing a teeny little KKK hat!

Walk On said...

Please Fugs, you of all people should know exactly what you're looking at there.....


a good gelding. ;D

l said...

I don't know why, but this doesn't bother me at all, I rather find it interesting to look at. But then, I am excellent in an emergency and never lose my head, not even when a kid in college sliced his arm up opening a stuck French window and the muscles were dangling from his arm...I took one look, said,"Right. Sit down, I'll call an ambulance." I did and that was that. He turned out OK with a few surgeries. Blood loss was his biggest issue.

So I look at this peen, and I see that it is merely deformed. It's as if the tubes inside the "meat" of the dick are exposed as if the dick eroded away, exposing the tubing inside.

I think that poor Peter has self-esteem issues and his fantasies were posted for the whole world to read.

Sad, really, and to be pitied. Why men post dick shots, I will never understand...

IMO, he would have had better chances with a mercy-fuck request of some kind.

Do they make a prosthesis for this kind of thing?

Anonymous said...

There are many decent uncircumcised penises.

Then there are ones who look like part of a [tiny] cow milking machine.

Ewwwwwwwww....

Anonymous said...

Un. Ring. The Bell...
Un! Ring! The Bell!

God Almighty please unhappen what I just saw, unhappen what I just saw...

El-Mango said...

Is that shower still running Weas?

Xiao_Gui said...

OK, while I'll admit the personal ad was tasteless, seriously, have you people never seen a foreskin before? Don't knock it until you've tried it. Unless you're willing to clip your labia and clitoris off so Somalian men won't be shocked at all the "extra skin" you've got hanging out of your axe wound, STFU. No, I don't want to see a pic of his penis, but there's no cause for him to mutilate it, either.

Mandi said...

This man's penis is indeed repulsive, I agree. but what the fuck IS it with you Merkins and foreskins? HONESTLY you would have to be the LAST country to STILL embrace circumcision!
In Australia, you almost have to find a doctor who will perform the act on the black market! I certainly didn't even CONSIDER having any of my 3 boys cut, nor did their father who WAS cut.
Seriously, give an uncut guy a go, or avoid all European or Aussie men altogether!