Sunday, September 21, 2008
Confident Male Seeks Strong Woman
I'm Craig, a 28 year old man with a bit of baggage, well not so much baggage as it is a Poltergeist on my ass. My last girlfriend ran off into the woods screaming about tentacle branches and tender areas. I'm looking to get into a really serious relationship, but that isn't saying I don't want a woman who will just grab onto my boomstick and blow away Mongolian demons. Maybe someone who wouldn't mind traveling through a time vortex to the dark ages and awakening an evil force. I want a woman who is an excellent cook, and knows her way around a graveyard. XXX-XXX-XXXX
A personal ad is a good way to determine whether you might be a good match for someone- whether you have the same hobbies, enjoy the same political ideologies, and sometimes whether or not you live in the same fucking solar system.
Craig admits he has baggage, and we might assume that baggage contains a strait-jacket, a bottle of Seroquel and the keys to a recently stolen blue hospital bus. Know your way around a graveyard? Good, now pick a plot.
The problem with dating a guy like Craig is the inherent unpredictability of schizophrenia. One day you may take a stroll down the beach together, musing about songbirds and the orientation of the stars in the sky. The next day, he'll accuse the cats of shooting mind-control laser beams into his French toast, and then proceed to construct a party hat for Oprah Winfrey using preserved Eskimo clitoris shavings and a basketball-sized wad of watermelon-flavored Dentyne chewing gum.
Craig complains his last girlfriend ran off into the woods screaming about "tentacle branches," but we must first understand Craig's last girlfriend was a goddamn fir tree. Maybe not a problem for an open-minded woman such as yourself, but don't call me when when you find your vagina crawling with a bad case of bark ants. Call an arborist, because you'll have to have your pussy crop-dusted at least twice a week.
His only somewhat reasonable request appears to be that he would like to find a woman who is an excellent cook. If that describes you, that's fantastic. His favorite dishes are lasagne, broiled salmon, and his mother.
Can we really judge his beliefs in time vortexes, Mongolian demons, and purported ass ghosts? Maybe not, because this guy had a lot more sense than most guys that post personal ads.
He didn't post a shot of his cock, so he's not that crazy.