Sunday, September 21, 2008

Schizophrenia!


Confident Male Seeks Strong Woman

I'm Craig, a 28 year old man with a bit of baggage, well not so much baggage as it is a Poltergeist on my ass. My last girlfriend ran off into the woods screaming about tentacle branches and tender areas. I'm looking to get into a really serious relationship, but that isn't saying I don't want a woman who will just grab onto my boomstick and blow away Mongolian demons. Maybe someone who wouldn't mind traveling through a time vortex to the dark ages and awakening an evil force. I want a woman who is an excellent cook, and knows her way around a graveyard. XXX-XXX-XXXX

A personal ad is a good way to determine whether you might be a good match for someone- whether you have the same hobbies, enjoy the same political ideologies, and sometimes whether or not you live in the same fucking solar system.

Craig admits he has baggage, and we might assume that baggage contains a strait-jacket, a bottle of Seroquel and the keys to a recently stolen blue hospital bus. Know your way around a graveyard? Good, now pick a plot.

The problem with dating a guy like Craig is the inherent unpredictability of schizophrenia. One day you may take a stroll down the beach together, musing about songbirds and the orientation of the stars in the sky. The next day, he'll accuse the cats of shooting mind-control laser beams into his French toast, and then proceed to construct a party hat for Oprah Winfrey using preserved Eskimo clitoris shavings and a basketball-sized wad of watermelon-flavored Dentyne chewing gum.

Craig complains his last girlfriend ran off into the woods screaming about "tentacle branches," but we must first understand Craig's last girlfriend was a goddamn fir tree. Maybe not a problem for an open-minded woman such as yourself, but don't call me when when you find your vagina crawling with a bad case of bark ants. Call an arborist, because you'll have to have your pussy crop-dusted at least twice a week.

His only somewhat reasonable request appears to be that he would like to find a woman who is an excellent cook. If that describes you, that's fantastic. His favorite dishes are lasagne, broiled salmon, and his mother.

Can we really judge his beliefs in time vortexes, Mongolian demons, and purported ass ghosts? Maybe not, because this guy had a lot more sense than most guys that post personal ads.

He didn't post a shot of his cock, so he's not that crazy.

33 comments:

Laurel said...

Thou shalt not take the name of Ash in a vain attempt to get laid.

Anonymous said...

Man, why did you change the piccy? I think he looked unique enough before the change.

Strange strange man, up the medication.

Weasel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I dont know what mistake, but I thought it was funnier before you changed it.....

Weasel said...

The head in a head, or the original with the ad anonymous?

Anonymous said...

The original with the ad anonymous. And the original photo was a good un.
You write well, stop second guessing yourself.

Weasel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

email sent

Laurel said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Weasel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Weasel said...

Laurel, please email me tomorrow- I'll explain.

Mary said...

I'm thinking the crazy santa in a straight jacket. He tickles my uterus lining.

Lynda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lynda said...

I thought the guy in the original picture was Bruce Campbell. I kinda like him as an actor. He does crappy sci-fi movies but I do like him. Of course I'l pass the guy in the ad up!

Nosnikta said...

This was just weird.

CaliGirl9 said...

Way too much time wasted playing Dungeons & Dragons in his formative years.

And what's wrong with Mongolian demons? Why did he single them out?

Graveyards can be interesting places for photography. I don't suppose that's what he's doing there though. Probably looking for a Mongolian demon or that time vortex. Keep looking ...

CutNJump said...

Wow! So much to even say about this one. What a freak!

Probably hangs out at the cemetery to meet newly widowed women... Comfort the greiving and get in on the will...

Good cook- Does that include bringing your own cauldron? Eye of newt, testicle of lamb, blood of a virgin, stir three times with a willow branch...

Mongolian Demons- is there another kind? Were they more or less violent? Did they bring back up?

Inquiring minds want to know?

ChestnutJumper784 said...

A haunted boyfriend just in time for Halloween! The picture is frickin hilarious.

Jennifer said...

what. the. fuck. this is what's out there for me in the guy market?

kahara said...

This dude plays too much World of Warcraft. I think it might have leaked into his real, daily life now.

water_bearer said...

Now we know what Santa does in the fall.

Lisa the Mad said...

We need more Evil Dead fans around here. Srsly.

Walk On said...

"A personal ad is a good way to determine whether you might be a good match for someone- whether you have the same hobbies, enjoy the same political ideologies, and sometimes whether or not you live in the same fucking solar system."

BHWHAHAHAHA!

And just when I finally remembered how to breathe, I hit

"first understand Craig's last girlfriend was a goddamn fir tree.".

OMG, I don't remember the last time I laughed this hard. Can't stop either....-snicker-.

The first bit...oh geeze, there's this little old fart I'm in class with who is the whiniest, dried up bitter old hag of a man. I'm stuck with him in two classes - both classes moved to the other side of the room the second time the class met. Never mind the same row, no one wants to be in the same zip code! He's repulsive as hell, and of course, he finds me impossible to resist. I have actually gone as far as to turn my back on him mid sentence and walk away -- he scurries afterward, still running his dumb mouth. (Never met anyone so damn stupid who was so eager to prove it!)

He was pontificating in class at one point (he seems to think he knows more than the teacher, of course) and made the comment about everyone being on the same page. Before I could stop myself, I found myself saying, "dude, we aren't even in the same galaxy". The class lost it...he didn't get it. (I imagine not getting it is something he's used to by now.) I'm pretty sure he'd write an ad just like this, except for the graveyard part. He's too much of a wuss for that.

Oh my...-sigh- I *needed* that laugh.

Weasle, your writing does more to give me a buzz than the average attempt at foreplay! Like, I need a ciggarette now, and I don't even smoke!

lavenderfish said...

You must admit his picture is far more flattering than most. Adequate coverage is a wonderful thing.

Spleen Porcine said...

It's a fake ad of someone impersonating Ash, from Evil Dead.
He'd probably just looking for someone who gets the reference.

Anonymous said...

Really likes The Evil Dead (girl runs off into the woods and gets raped by a tree) and Army of Darkness.

I have to agree with the Spleen. I think it is a fake ad that someone had a lot of fun writing.

anne said...

I think we've been trolled...

Nicole said...

No pictures of cocks?! With a little medication and a vasectomy...we maybe on our way to a normal person! Maybe with MORE medication and YEARS of therapy, a date-able person!

Ella said...

why are there so many comments deleted??

Anonymous said...

Does his face remind anyone else of the lawn gnome?

Fenfox

Anonymous said...

Does his face remind anyone else of the lawn gnome?

Fenfox

Weasel said...

This ad ended up being a fake ad based off a movie "Evil Dead."

I get sent a lot of "fake" ads, and this one I did not catch, as I wasn't familiar with the movie.

Since I had spent considerable time constructing the analysis, I chose to change a few elements in the ad so you guys could enjoy it anyway.

I take pride in catching fake ads that get sent to me, but some slip through.

This post will come down soon, and I apologize.

Merridyn said...

ooh, time to scare you all! Weasel, you have a reader on Seroquel...mua ha ha ha. But no, my life has not been one tenth as exciting as this guy's.

WTF? Is he into role play? Maybe a LARPer? I am beyond confused. After having a paranoid friend, I now have a rule: I NEVER hang out with those crazier than myself. I can take a lot of crazy, but I'm not the woman for him.

Weasel, send him a little message that someone who spent an awful lot of time in the "quiet room" and once emerged from her room NAKED (staff LOVED that one) is probably out there talking to herself about how she wants a guy like him but can't get those damned bats to stop screeching about hellfire and damnation long enough to wander into the nearest internet cafe barefoot.