Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Urban Translations

Down Bitches

Big Dollah looking fo down chick that know was up with this nas a stuff so if ur down for the get down holla and be reddy to gits dat azz split ups ya here. Gittin money gittin bitches gittin riches itz Big Dollah


I'm really fucking white.

So white, in fact, that apparently I only possess the equivalent threatening street cred of a four year-old girl with pigtails crying because she saw an ant.

Big Dollah here also made me feel very white in my pants. Say what you will about stereotypes, but Big Dollah's ad also contained a cock shot, and at first I thought it was a picture of a guy moving an air conditioning duct.

Compare that to my own picture, where it appears like I might use my penis to pierce the crispy skin of a holiday duck and report the temperature back to my knitting grandmother and her sick parakeet.

Big Dollah seeks a female, and from what I can grasp, he hopes that you are "up with nas a stuff" and that you are ready to "gits dat azz split up." I don't know what that means, but I theorize it doesn't involve shopping for petunias or playing Boggle by the hearth.

So what does Big Dollah really want? To find out, WWHM once again utilized the resources of the Urban Dictionary, a great online resource for ignorant white people such as myself to learn not only street dialect, but also the definition of "clambagging" which I was rudely threatened with this past weekend at a wedding.

Here is the literal, whitey, Republican translation of Big Dollah's personal ad:

To the ladies who would like to have sex,

Hello, Clarence Lackspoon here. I am looking for a lady who is agreeable to and knowledgeable of dirty, nasty sex. So if you would enjoy having some dirty nasty sex with me, please have your anus ready and spread for my penis, which I will place between your buttocks. Do you understand? I enjoy American currency, copulating with women, and material objects. I'm Clarence Lackspoon.

And for the record, the staff here at WWHM hope to mock all races equally. So if you want to pull your "race" card, don't worry, we'll pull our "some of our best friends are black" card.

20 comments:

manhater said...

mmmmmm because when i think of fucking a man....having my ass split open and needing medical assistance is EXACTLY what I dream about...Contrary to the popular belief of men...there is such a thing as TOO big.

Ashers said...

" at first I thought it was a picture of a guy moving an air conditioning duct."

HAHAHAHAHHAAAA !!! I've just snorted a chocolate biscuit up my nose.....

Too small = bad. Too big = worse ( in my opinion ). There is it, you just can't DO anthing with it !!!

Nosnikta said...

Please tell me you didn't actually compare lol.

Fhtrkstr101 said...

"Big Dollah here also made me feel very white in my pants. Say what you will about stereotypes, but Big Dollah's ad also contained a cock shot, and at first I thought it was a picture of a guy moving an air conditioning duct."

----

Weasel, i laughed so fucking hard that i woke up my poor roommates.

Chezza said...

What do you mean "you just cna't do ANYTHIng with it?"

Yes you can....use it as a springboard by your pool.

Honestly, someboday has been watching too much PORN if they think women want to be 'hurt'.

Thanks again Weasel for a great laugh.

Can he and the "prostate" guy get together....maybe Money bags will pay for a maid?

kahara said...

Thank you for the translation, because my white rural hick ass was completely lost.

And of course being told that my ass was going to be split up is a great foreplay technique. Since we all love shitting bloody turds for a week and only being able to use soothing lavendar and witch hazel baby wipes because of ductman's encounter. :oP

Is it me, or does it look like that's the celebratory pre-picture to ductman and his sidekicks pulling an Uzi from that little black bag?

(and Weasel's disclaimer applies here as well, because I can pull that card just as quick. So don't even think that's what I meant)

CaliGirl9 said...

I always appreciate the translations, Weasel, and am grateful you take the time to do them for us white chicks.

I did not take eubonics in college, and I abhor hip hop music so I don't talk urban hoodspeak. Word.

water_bearer said...

First we had the lady splitter, now we have the lady ass-splitter. Mmmmm. Hard to tell which I find more appealing. Next to sticking hot pokers in my eyes and having my nipples ripped off by an angry mongoose...
I'll take the andiron and rodent thanks.

CutNJump said...

Why would I need Big Idiot to split my ass? It's already cracked like so many others...

Besides, doesn't John Deer make a log splitter or an attachement? I would bet even an old JD would have more power behind him...

and JD wouldn't need a condem with ribs for traction in the mud.


Ok, I'll just stop now. Before it gets any worse...

Walk On said...

Am I too white? Are there women out there who are turned on by the thought of having their "ass split"? Is there a place where women are turned on by this? Bleh.

Walk On said...

Ps - thanks for translating!

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Aside from the fact that he's typing in an unknown language (thanks for the translation) I'm not particularly impressed by the pic snapped at the jewelry counter at JCPenney's.

Mzfilly said...

Just when I thought that Weasel's text was going to have me utilize my new box of Depends, I moved on to the comments made by Kahara and WHOOPS, too damn late...

OMG you people are so damn funny!!

kahara said...

LOL MZfilly...reading this blog might be sending you to Costco for a new box frequently. ;o)

Jennifer said...

Oh gosh, I love you, Weasel. I think these translation posts are my favorites!

Merridyn said...

CNJ, here's to you:

"she thinks my tractor's sexy, it really turns her on, she's always staring at me, while i'm chuggin' along!"

There's also the handy-dandy post-hole digger attachment, although it wasn't a John Deer that I saw that on. It also proved to have some issues with remaining *ahem* rigid. One encounter with a rock and it was forever curved.

yes, everyone's ass may already be split....perhaps he wants to tear her a new one? Ick.

Merridyn said...

CNJ, If I weren't the only (or so it seems) one out here in Westchester County, NY I would be organizing a pow-wow for those of us who concluded a little while ago that we are going straight to hell.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't touch him with a bargepole [ick, plus I'd need a translator on hand:-)]. But...I'd be very tempted to dangle a nice BIG strap-on in front of him and say, 'You go first'.

Gillian said...

So... anyone else wonder why he's included a picture of himself carrying a dainty little bag, leaning on a makeup counter? He run out of his favourite Shiseido Red lipstick?

Anonymous said...

so deeply incorrect on the "azz" translation that I now believe you are a middle-aged white guy.