Monday, September 15, 2008

Blowjobs N Broomsticks

Will you marry me?

Will you marry me? I don't want a typical married relationship. I prefer we don't live together, I don't like having my things messed with. Also women always seem to put things in the wrong places. I don't want to talk every day, just maybe a couple of times a week. You should enjoy doing laundry and cooking. Even though we don't talk daily, doesn't mean you can't feed me nightly. As for sex, YES. I won't make daily bj's mandatory, just highly encouraged.

So, if you are a great cook and can suck a golf ball through a water hose, hit me up.

Paul

Unfortunately, Paul chose not to post his picture. I suspect this was a wise decision, as his face likely repels vaginas like the cold, scaly hands of an obese gynecologist who puts your legs in stirrups and asks "Hey, you wanna have coffee later?"

But I felt a picture of a small, dick-shaped iceberg fit well, as it accurately portrays the environment his penis might find itself in soon after women read his personal ad: cold, isolated, and not at all worth exploring. Plus, it's an inviting habitat for an infestation of crabs.

Paul seeks a "marriage of convenience", and by convenience, he means "not your convenience." You will provide pants-folding skills, an oven and a closed mouth. He will provide a small rodent penis and copious quantities of unemployed ass sweat in the couch cushions. Seem like a dated relationship? It is, but you have to consider that the last time Paul saw a vagina, he threw a spear at it and fled.

If Paul wants his clothes washed, his stomach full, and complete silence, I suggest he move himself and a heavy bag of quarters into the laundry room of a library with vending machines. That takes care of everything but the blowjobs, which he states are not mandatory, but are highly encouraged. Believe me Paul, you'd have better luck encouraging a plump, fragrant and bleeding chicken to perform a fucking River Dance on the tongue of a starved alligator.

Get some binoculars and take a look in your pants Paul. Some women may be able to suck a golf ball through a water hose, but they'll never suck it through a fucking Burger King coffee straw. Women may sometimes "put things in the wrong places", but rest assured no women will put that 90% sucked Tic Tac in their mouths.

23 comments:

kiwiness said...

burger king coffee straw??? please I have WAY more taste than sucking coffee up a straw. ewww. Sounds like this dude needs a mum with sex as a side dish. Maybe HE should hook up with the last man looking for a bit of momma's luvin!!!They could troll the night spots together seeing they are both motherfuckers!

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO!

*** the last time Paul saw a vagina, he threw a spear at it and fled ***

Yeah, he's been living in a cave alright.

Ella said...

what the hell? do men like this actually think women want to be treated as indentured servants?
we won't talk everyday but that doesn't mean you can't feed me nightly..
yeah I'll feed you alright. I'll feed you a generous helping of my fist.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Weasel! I LOVE the title! Genius.

This guy is a total creep. I called this one "wanted: cock sucking indentured servant with own home."

Liz said...

I dont know how you find these men. But I love all the tightly sealed vagina metaphors. And you. For this.

ChestnutJumper784 said...

I think Paul's needs could be addressed through merry maids and his local whorehouse. Why keep a cow when you can buy milk at the store? If you're an asshole, you gotta PAY for that shit.

Lynda said...

Hey there might be something here. I once said I'd get married again but over the internet. I just want him to send me his pay check, he can say he's married to me, and maybe I'd be willing to put him on my health benefits... Of course I also said I never wanted to meet him and would have a restraining order against him.... The guys at work just laughed nervously at that...

This guy needs a russian bride or some one else who's trying to get into this country and is willing to live down the hall way. What benefits does he bring to the marriage other than??? what does he bring...

silvarbelle said...

I was in complete and total disgust as I was reading this guy's "Bill of You Have No Rights Except Pleasing Me".

Then, you made that comment about "last time Paul saw a vagina, he threw a spear at it and fled" and I LOST IT.

Several of my classmates in Forensics Investigation are asking me what's so funny. I'll tell them in a minute, but first I wanted to thank you for making a bad situation better. ^_~

Mary said...

Here is my ad for Prince Charming:

Hi, My name is Mary. I currently live on a small 40 acre hobbyfarm in the middle of a pine tree forest. I guess what I'm looking for is some assfuck to clean out my stalls, take care of my geldings sheath, mow my 4 acres of lawn, run fences, polish my saddles, lick my tires since my long dirt driveway leaves them dull, remove the ticks from my beloved yellow lab, repaint my siding every 6 months, get several cords of wood even if it gets 35 below zero. In exchange, I won't take this high voltage cattle prod that I have hooked up to this Peterbuilt truck battery, cram it up your ass until I can see it peeking out behind your teeth and turn it on while you stand in the bathtub holding my toaster. Bewared, if you ruin my toaster, you WILL BE BUYING ME A NEW ONE.

I prefer a man that does not speak unless it is read off a message I left for you. I do not want to meet your mother. Sports channels will not be allowed. I do not want to have sex with you, but I do want to have sex with that hot guy I work with. You will not prevent that. I have a pond, it's in the back, they will not find your body.

So, if you would like to meet your new lawnmower, shoot me an email!

THANKS!

Lynda said...

ROLFLMAO!!!! Mary you're a hoot!

Ashers said...

Lordy !! Have men actually caught up with the fact that this is the 21st C ??

Hello ??? Women can VOTE and support THEMSELVES and stuff....why exactly would one want to be your cooking, cleaning sex slave ???

water_bearer said...

Ya know... I have say that in the right situation and with the right guy, assigning household duties to the person who does them best, and leaving them to it, is the ideal situation. I'm a good cook. Leave that to me. My lover can stick to polishing the wood floors to a high gleam and we're good. As long as he can carry on an intelligent conversation and bang me like a screen door in a hurricane, there's room for negotiation.
The only thing this shmuck is ever going to bang however, is the locked door of Harry Taint's Porn-o-rama Peep Show and Video Rental when he gets there too late after stopping for a Big Gulp and the jumbo bag of Cheetos.

Weasel said...

"Bang me like a screen door in a hurricane."

I fucking love the women that read this blog.

I'm going to have to start stealing your guys ideas.

You know what would be great? Starting a page where YOU guys can post and comment on your own ads. That shit would be hilarious.

Too bad I'm an idiot and don't know how to do that.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

"bang me like a screen door in a hurricane"

Amazing.

Eccentric_Lady said...

*shudder*

Oh man....

A lurker from FHOTD blog came over to check out WWHM.

Amazing the carnage of stupidity. =/

The Half-Assed Blog said...

weasel-

We do that at FHOTD now and then- Cathy just puts it up as a "guest blogger" and sometimes you can link to that person's blog.

I nominate Mary for the first guest blogger. :)

And, my local buttscratch college town has some amusingly clueless men on Craigslist that would make excellent grist for the mill....

Ferret Fan said...

Here's the deal, I'd rather some guy be honest about what a misogynistic pig he is up front, then try to wine me and dine me into a coma so I'll accepted his true personality later.
I want up front and truthful, because then I don't have to feel guilty when I'm brutally honest.

A recap of a first date conversation would be:
Look bub, you can ride me like a rented mule, as long as you're good at it, and keep your spurs to yourself. Don't touch my power tools, car or lawnmower. You better know how to work a washing machine, iron and dishwasher, because I refuse to. Pick up your own damn socks and I'll keep my female items out of sight and out of mind.

Now the little ratfuck that posted the ad needs his ass jerked up hard, I suspect his prick would make a fine, albiet short, handle.
Honest is one thing, but proclaiming you're a trolling piece of shit is another. I'd almost go out on a first date with the little jerk off just so I could publicly humiliate him in some restaurant by asking him if I could borrow his dick to get a splinter out of my finger.

tracey11 said...

Off topic, but lynda, would your profile pic be from dana hill?

On topic, barf.

wheelin126 said...

Nosnikta said...
ROFLMAO!
*** the last time Paul saw a vagina, he threw a spear at it and fled ***
Yeah, he's been living in a cave alright.

Maybe he can hook up with the "SHOE LOVER" and share Ruffles and Doritos, beer and of course the dip with the secret additive that just didn't quite make it onto his shoe!! They can dwell in his humble cave happily ever after dreaming of all the pussy that will never be!!

water_bearer said...

We pit vipers love you too, Weasel. OT: glad to see you post on FHOTD! And I think it was because someone mentioned it in the comments, which prompted someone else to ask, "What is WWHM?" and then someone else to post a link to here, that maybe got you a few extra hits yesterday. What would you be without the FHOTD women? :)
Oh, and if I were to be completely honest...
if he can carry on an intelligent conversation AND bang me like a screen door in a hurricane...
who gives a fuck what the floors look like.

CutNJump said...

WEASEL WE LOVE YOU MAN!!!!

I posted the link on Fugly after someone asked 'What is WWHM???'


I think you should do a post of just letting us each leave our own personal ad- Like the one Mary left us above.

Mary- YOU ROCK! You make me ROFLMAO!!! Care to join Nosnikta and I as we tour the local malls and throw food from the upstairs food court, TO and AT the people below?

Anonymous said...

I've been reading this blog and after a bad relationship, this page is totally putting me off men, ehehehe. i'm about to click on the dildo ads on the bottom left hand corner of the screen.

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