Wednesday, September 10, 2008

WWHM Has The Night Off

I'm taking tonight off from WWHM in order to get some more resumes out, but I'll be back tomorrow to dish up some more abuse, so be sure to check back.

WWHM traffic has gone up quite a bit lately, and so have the number of viewer emails. A lot of you ladies have been accusing me of being "out of the loop" with some of the interzweb's most douchetastic male idiots.

You are correct, and thankfully I have you guys to help me keep up. Keep sending them in!

Yesterday, we had "Mr. Right", and today, I present to you Atlanta businessman John Fitzgerald.

His personal webpage is a hodgepodge of laughably overstated accomplishments, and if you choose to take a look, I recommend the "About" page and the "Fitness" page for a chuckle or two.

http://johnfitzgeraldpage.com/default.aspx

Three words John: 1.Get 2.Over 3.Yourself.

John also made a name for himself on Match.com, as one unfortunate woman discovered when she winked at Mr. Alexander, who utilizes the modest screen name "IvyLeagueAlum". John responded with a lengthy diatribe about his apartment, his Ivy League schooling, his workout regimen, and his job.

Bored to tears, the woman replied "No thanks."

Would John leave it at that? Of course not. He had this pleasant response to her rebuff:

"I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards - not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!
So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!
Regards,
John"

You can read the entire exchange here, courtesy of Gawker.com.

You're all class, John. You're a grown man, and you actually quoted your hotness rating on "Hot or Not?", a website primarily utilized by 6th graders and the mentally challenged.

And lastly, you can view his wonderful appearance on Dr. Phil here, where he does a fantastic job of making himself look like a huge horse's ass. (No offense, horses.)

I wonder why you're still single John?

Tune in tomorrow for more personal ad shredding. And readers, please feel free to send me any comments, concerns, or general overviews of WWHM. I do this for you guys, and I want to keep you coming back every day. Let me know how I'm doing!

Thanks HC!

53 comments:

HillBill said...

Don't forget his Dr. Phil appearance that he's PROUD of and lists it in his roles/experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRKNYyF3yf4

Weasel said...

Thanks hillbill!

Posted!

Weasel

The Hatter said...

O.M.G.

Asinine, moronic, chauvanistic prick.

Chezza said...

Um..on his last link where he is 'on the set'. HE has a pic of him and Cynthia Nixon. We now know the moment she KNEW she was a lesbian.

Chezza said...

Um..on his last link where he is 'on the set'. HE has a pic of him and Cynthia Nixon. We now know the moment she KNEW she was a lesbian.

nosey said...

Hmmm...I wonder what he could be trying to make up for?
Wouldn't it be funny if he was "foreskin gone horribly horribly wrong"?
Things are starting to make sense to me now.
What a fucking mook!

Ash said...

Umm...sooo...based upon his webpage he either lives in or does a shit ton of "work" in Columbus (which is where I happen to be). He used to dress up as a Rooster for the Columbus Clippers apparently, has appeared in our local GLBT paper, and done several other things around here. Because, you know, when you get interviewed for a small Columbus paper, you've clearly hit it big.

Nosnikta said...

Gawd, what a condescending self-important dick. He can't take "no thanks" for an answer so makes himself feel better with angry asshole barbs.

I could see him crying because he thinks he's so wonderful. I'm not surprised whatsoever that he's single.

I second Weasie's three words... get over yourself.

horsegal said...

This kind of guy especially cracks me up because I keep thinking "This has to be a joke"... and then OMG, he's serious! He really DOES think he's all that. *wiping away tears of mirth*

Why does this phenomenon continue to surprise me over and over again?

Thanks, Weez! Now I can get on with my day.

4thehorses said...

I think a nice bottle of Rogaine would do wonders for John! What an asshat!!!

Kaitlyn said...

Oh my god, this guy is ridiculous! Holy shit, I wouldn't date him if the world was ending and he's the last man on earth! What a prick. I suppose with all the wealth he has he could build his own supermodel partner.

Whatever.
I third the 'get over yourself' line.

ryan said...

I love his choice of songs on his webpage too. Clearly, he really *is* "Bringing Sexy Back"....if by "sexy" you mean middle aged balding stand in for movies...

Philihp Busby said...

He graduated from a business school, threw frat parties, and now he works as an extra in TVs and movies?

Thingsthatperplexme said...

his portfolio "as self" include: - Male Egos: Out of Control (2008) TV episode .... Himself


LOL!!!!

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Oh jesus, it gets better.


"LOOKALIKES:
(STAND-IN / PHOTO DOUBLE / ETC.)

Johnny Depp (78%),"

BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT BULLSHIT BULLSHIT.

On a side note, the same program that labeled him as such thinks I look like Helena Christensen, the supermodel. Also laughable, but it didn't go to my head nearly as badly...

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Or, from his amazing "acting" portfolio:

Stout Irish Sports Pub - Shot drinker
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.channel&ChannelID=395729692

Internet & Roles
MySpace.com Cool New Videos (Featured) - Guide to Online Dating

The more pages I look at, the better it gets!!

Liz S said...

OMG I totally thought you had made up his reply! Wow he is off the douchebag charts!

Spotted_T_Apps said...

I'm sorry, but the guy is not hot. He's MAYBE mediocre at best.

CutNJump said...

This is one of those guys who might actually get laid or find Mrs. Right, as long as he never, ever opened his mouth. Ever!

I haven't peeked through all his pompous self promoting bullshit yet. Not sure I want to.

Anonymous said...

What a douche! He also lists his interview on the CBS Early Show where he was dubbed the World's Worst Person. And I love his note at the bottom of his "About Me" page: (all dollar amounts converted to 2007 dollars)

2007 dollars??? As opposed to dollars when? 2005? 1995? 1840?

Fhtrkstr101 said...

Chezza said...
Um..on his last link where he is 'on the set'. HE has a pic of him and Cynthia Nixon. We now know the moment she KNEW she was a lesbian.
________

Haha, he makes me feel sure that I am gay!

That must be one hell of a fake ID to be able to fool the passport people even in pre-9/11 times.

As if ivy leauge education, exercise, MENSA membership and all of that other materialistic shit makes you a good person. Right. Materials make the man.

Betcha he has a small penis. Either that or Erectile Dysfunction.

Awesome Weasel. Your the greatest.

Pilar said...

You know, I'm just relieved he kept his clothes on!

ChestnutJumper784 said...

U-G-L-Y you UGGGGLY, John!

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Is it just me, or does he tweeze his brows and draw them back in? Because I'm pretty sure the last time I saw that look I was volunteering at a nursing home feeding an 80 year-old woman some pudding. Oh, and if you're so intelligent and awesome, John, why do you have to write a whole website trying to prove it (and why are you using dating websites)?

FerretFan said...

I'm not getting the whole "need for a dating" website thing. If this guy is so hot then why is he trolling? He should have women stuck to him like lint on a dark suit.
His attitude and elevated sense of self just turn me off, which is difficult to do since I live in a town peopled with beer swilling, over-all wearing, ass-crack scratching pigs. I mean face it, I go to truck stops just to upgrade the kinds of guys I get to look at.
But John, seriously, you're making me want to get my official Lot Lizard membership card just to avoid guys like you.

Walk On said...

lmao, ok, so pretty much he's been an extra in like 20 movies...

and don't forget a sports team mascot...thought only high schoolers did that gig.

nosey said...

Weasel, MORE MORE MORE!!!

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Ferretfan- you don't happen to live in Northern Colorado, do ya? Because that sounds like our local menfolk. *hocks up a loogie*

As for Mr. Fitzgerald... what is it with average-looking 30 something guys who think they are so fucking wonderful?

Serena said...

Half-Ass: it must have worked for them in college once. :-)
i ALSO think he either tweezes his brows or waxes them into oblivion.
I bet this guy's Latin name is Dorkus Malorkus.

Tuffy Horse said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tribblehappy said...

I've had similar responses to guys when I say, "No thanks," though usually they whine at me "aw k'mon, why are you on this site if you don't want to meet people like me?"
I'm only still on one site because I *have* met some great friends there.

The fitness page... Wow, um, ew?

Kokorami said...

Bozhe moy.
It's like cleaning the basement after 3 ft. of heavy rain when the sewer backs up: you don't even know where to begin...
Looks like Simon LeBon/Johnny Depp/Billy Zane?! If it weren't so goddamn funny, they could sue for your just associating your silly ass with them. Me, I thought of a description once given to the late Walter Matthau (who actually was a pretty good actor, and funny when he _meant_ to be): a half-melted rubber bulldog. Congratulations, I might have to concede my favorite mug, the blue "Pompous Ass" one, to someone even more deserving of it than I am.

Anonymous said...

I'd rather date a vibrator.

Jara said...

i love how most of the stuff on his imdb profile is uncredited...LOL

Lynda said...

This guy needs to go get a personality.... He's average looking and is so stuck on himself it would be impossible for a woman with a brain to even be in a 10 foot radius of him.

This is the guy looking for a brainless trophy wife. One that would just nod and smile and agree with hubby when ever he spoke and worship the ground he walks on. I hate to tell this dude but women have gotten a clue to this... and though there are women out there that probably would be happy to 'help him out'.... there arent many!

Maybe he can go for some personality surgery... sort of like plastic surgery only maybe they can give him a personality.

CutNJump said...

The only female thing this guy might find attracted to him is one who is so shallow, mindless, self centered and conceited they would spend their time arguing over which one of them is better looking. God help them if there were only one mirror in their house.

Lynda said...

Has anyone watched his commercial? Do you think he could have gotten a shirt that fit? Instead it looks like the buttons are about to burst.

I have to say... I like a heavier set guy. Guys like this are all stuck on themselves and cant figure out why no one likes them... Give me a guy that carries some extra weight... ok not like the one featured here this week but some extra weight and there's a man that can think of other things not just of himself!

Storm said...

He should be on
"The Bachelor-The Douchebag Edition."

I would run him over with my Porsche...if I had one.

Saltadora said...

i swear to god, the snotty shit that rolls out of buckhead every morning...

Biskuits said...

From his page of skills: "DIALECTS & ACCENTS: English, Southern, New Yorker, Aristocrat, British, Irish, Australian, French, Indian"

I had *no* idea that there was a consummate difference between a British and an English accent, unless he's using "English" to denote the flat, midwestern American accent (not a "dialect." I study linguistics. Dialect and accent are not interchangeable words.) featured largely in films/television...

Eh. I hate him, I think.

Londyn said...

Okay, I'm sure I'll comment again in approximately 5 seconds when I read something ELSE this man syas that's ridiculous, but uhm can I please just say that you cannot use your combined freaking HIGH SCHOOL test scores to get into MENSA? They have their own test. It's based on IQ score NOT college prep material and hence the scores can't even translate to a "oh if you got X on SAT you'll probably get Y on the MENSA test". Seriously, dude, seriously?!

(sorry I hope no one thinks I am yelling at you lovely people. Maybe I should go post that rant for our genius here)

Londyn said...

Okay a few more things as predicted:
He's 6 feet tall and has a 32 inch inseam. That makes his inseam 44% of his height and abnormally short.
His appearances in feature films are kind of like the appearances of people who happen to be in town when filming is happening.
Is it just me or do the images on his modeling section not show up?
I need to stop commenting, but as a final note:
My GAY modern dance teacher is about 30X more ripped than this guy.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRjMmBkNY-Q

...and there's more

Kate said...

wow, he is a douche. what a douche. His website was laughable. The "my heritage" thing made me laugh so hard I almost peed a little. Yeah, and when I wore my cat glasses it said I looked like Rivers Coumo AND Alyssa Milano.

Did I say he's a fucking douche? Pardon my French.

Heather said...

Oh, heavens. The Dr. Phil link... just watch it, wow.

I swear I've gone on blind dates with guys exactly like this.

Vaquerogirl said...

If he's so hot why is he using a dating service? Cuz all the smart females within 100 miles of this Douche already knowhim and have rejected him ...hmmmm...maybe?

Laura said...

'Television & Roles
Dr. Phil Show - "Male Egos - Out of Control" '

ah what a prick

Laura said...

actually the scariest part was the music, by far.

Cheri' said...

He's a huge fake and a really good spin doctor is what he is, and he's shuckin and jivin to stay believable,....

Being an extra ain't no big deal. Anyone can be an extra. Just keep an eye peeled and join the cattle call. And get your piddly $50 for an entire day of doing the same shit over and over and over,....

Not impressed at all,....

As for Mensa? Ya don't get it from your high school scores. You take THEIR test, THEN PAY THEM FOR THE PRIVILEDGE of being part o' the club,...

Hell, I could take my middle aged, middle class life, pull parts from it here and there, and create quite the believable fantasy as well.

The emperor has no clothes,....

Anonymous said...

I'm a female television producer. Welcome to what we have to deal with in this business all the time. It gets worse when this type loses all self-esteem and starts stalking you and sending you roses to try to get a role.

I ought to relentlessly audition his bland, talentless ass and then humiliate and not hire him just to bring him back down to reality ;)

What say, ladies?

Anonymous said...

I love that he lists his appearance on Dr. Phil as part of his acting. Note the episode title:

Dr. Phil Show - "Male Egos - Out of Control"

Yup, got it in one.

Anastasia said...

I think that's a fake identity. Like, I am pretty positive that this guy is just a character someone created for laughs. See the merch section on his website...

Anonymous said...

Funny how all his "film appearances" on IMDB are all as an extra, and almost all are listed as "unaccredited." Meaning basically he was just an extra who didn't get paid because he didn't speak any lines. Not something I'd be touting on a website.