Monday, September 8, 2008

Poor Pony

Wealthy Stallion seeks Pagent Queen -21

Just a regular dude who made it through the regular and everyday trials and tribulations of a hustler's life (legit of course) and enjoying the position of being able to spend money like it was water, drink expensive drinks, and enjoy the most lavish of lives. Hope to share my Money, Cars, Clothes, Crib with a special woman who deserves a crown... Like for princesses who like to be spoiled, and be pampered with only the most extravagant gifts. Must be able to take pipe. Only the best and most qualified need apply... Jonathan

Nothing pleases the staff at WWHM more than tragically misguided, pubic hair-free youths posting doe-eyed photos of themselves accompanied by longwinded text bloviating about their hard-scrabble success as a "hustler." It's like the Backstreet Boys bragging about stealing crib trays from unattended infants.

Delivering Sunday newspapers on a Schwinn equipped with a food basket and a traffic bell in the Blueberry Creek neighborhood doesn't make one a "hustler". I'd like to see Jonathan "hustle" in my neighborhood; it's so tough around here that yesterday I got robbed at knifepoint by a pregnant duck. Jonathan looks more like the type of guy that would emit a white-hot stream of piss into his rolled-up cotton summer sailing shorts when suddenly startled by a sneezing show-bunny with a pink ribbon adorning his ears.

While men find themselves quite attracted to hairless pussies, Jonathan here needs to understand that most women are not. Some females may find this look attractive, but they tend to read Teen Beat magazine and eat out of lunchboxes emblazoned with flying unicorns.

As any WWHM reader knows by now, any man that brags about his money in a personal ad has a very specific relationship with money; he has none. Although he has to Photoshop $140 into his pantyline, Jonathan assures us he has so much money he can "spend it like water", which indicates he might want to spend some of it on a community college class called "Analogies That Make Sense 101."

To a 21 year-old, a "lavish life" means a fancy restaurant has a medieval theme where pock-faced teens in pirate outfits serve you entrees with names like "Ye Olde Hams With Cheeses." He considers a lowered truck with a pair of balls affixed to the trailer hitch as a "nice ride", and "the finer things in life" include wrestling tickets, Bud Light at breakfast, and second-hand IKEA furniture. And don't even get me started on the sex- only a yogurt gun can squirt more protein onto your pillows after just two pumps.

Jonathan wants to date a woman who "deserves a crown", and any woman that dates Jonathan certainly does deserve a crown, only the crown will be conical in nature and have the word "Dunce" inscribed across the front.

Put that in your fucking pipe, Jonathan. And smoke it.


Nosnikta said...

LOL "sneezing bunny". Take pipe? what the heck does that mean? Is he talking about his weiner? or is he talking about a crack pipe? Or is he talking about his wiener and your crack? Hmmmm... I'm so confused.

He has a nice tummy though. If he keeps spending his money like water on expensive drinks, THAT will go away soon enough! Chubba chubba!

I could loan him my tiara. I don't wear it any more cuz it pinches my head. It would fit the head of a dunce-cap wearer perfectly! :-)

nosey said...

First of all WTF does take pipe mean? I have a few ideas but was just wondering which way he was going with that.

Stallion....mmm, no.

Pregnant duck? Awsome!!

Sailing shorts? YES!!

Thanks for the laugh weez!

nosey said...

look's like we both have a few questions about "pipe". Great minds you know!

Nosnikta said...

HA! Yeah, no kidding!

I had to stop and think about the pregnant duck too. How does a duck hold a knife anyway? lol...Weesie Weesie Weesie! (muah)

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Once I found this gem, I had to look up "take pipe" as well. Apparently it means "perform oral sex on a man" although google also returned a result about a PVC company that was going to "take pipe to a whole new level" - oh the implications

nosey said...

Thanks things!

Liz S said...

Thingsthatperplexme that had me ROTFL . Best out of context quote ever.

Too bad this guy is a total shit for brains and thinks hes a gangsta ...cause hes kinda cute lol Oh and nice PS job on the money, dorkwad. With that kind of artistry he could really make the rounds on blogs, this one, Photoshop Disasters, Gangsta of the week...

klgalland said...

ok, did he really photoshop money in his whitey-tighties? it'd be more sad if he was older. he's what, probably 16? i'm more inclined to say "awww" and pat him on the head.
(btw, that body will disappear after about a year in college)

Thingsthatperplexme said...

The other picture that was in the ad originally was a McMansion with some kind of sports car in the driveway. Ah, behold! I still have the link (and a screen shot just in case):

nosey said...

What a weiner!

(yeah, i just looked at the other photo of his. That must be the house where he is the pool boy!)

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Nosey - I thought pool boys are supposed to have muscles and possibly be semi-attractive or exotic?

Anonymous said...

That guy is fucking hot. Too bad he's gay and hasn't realized it yet.

CutNJump said...

What a douch bag.

How much do y'all want to bet, HE 'takes pipe' in jail after the owners of the house and car fire him for steailing their small pile of 'chump change' they left laying around.

Any takers? Other than him.

I thought the pic of the boxers was scratch tickets, only instead of like lotto prizes, or something useful, more like-

Instant Winner- GET OUT of here NOW! card.

Instant Winner- one paper bag for vomitting in. You're gonna need it!

Instant Winner- Two free swings with the Clue Bat.

Anonymous said...

Can anyone say reverse stripper?

Grab the bucks OUT OF HIS PANTY and run???


nosey said...


Yeah, you're right. I think most are gay too...(why else would they have a yummy bod/ give a shit what they look like).


Scratch off tickets, ha ha!

Anonymous said...

Hey Weasel! I found this ad you might like.

Anonymous said...

Man! All the freaks are in Gainesville!! Here's another retard for your enjoyment!

Biskuits said...

Level with me, Weeze; you DID photoshop the money in his waistband, right? He... he didn't do that himself and then POST that photo, right?? RIGHT??? D:

I can say, just from looking at his picture, that our ideas of the "fine life" are vastly different. I think his idea of a crown would probably be the paper Burger King variety kids get for their birthdays.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

anonyomus - I'm sure that last ad you posted is sarcastic but yes, being that the University of Florida has 50k raging horny late teens and 20 somethings, we certainly have more than our fair share of amazingly clueless men posting personal ads... And clueless guys in the bars, and clueless guys on the streets.. humping the light poles, purses, each other, etc.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Looks like Monopoly money in the waistband.


Anonymous said...


Yes, I was being mostly sarcastic...however, I'm not sure that I've ever heard of a guy humping a light-pole before...just goes to show that men are like dogs--they'll hump anything that holds still long enough, and try for everything else. :D

Weasel said...

The only Photoshop I ever use on this blog is the Twirl tool.

But Im leaning more towards NOT twirling jackasses like this- the guys that think so highly of themselves.

Biskuits said...

Oh sad day. That means the kid did it himself and, worse still, apparently thought it looked convincing enough to post. Oh man, that hurts me a little bit, like, in the heart-region XD

Walk On said...

The crappy, 4th grader level attempt at Photoshop was the first thing I noticed.

The second thing is that the house/car photo was at a distance where I feel it was likely taken from the curb.

I bet he has no connection to that house at all.

Anonymous said...

Uhhh, hate to break it to you... That whole picture is photoshopped. The money, the shorts (if you look closely, he has two left thumbs), the head (it doesn't quite line up with the shoulders), and the necklace.

Weasel said...

Just another reason his ad deserves WWHM status.

Insecure fucks on MySpace alone must have doubled sales of Photoshop in the past two years or so.

Kokorami said...

_Stallion_ material?
Geez, Louise, I'm shocked none of the other Fugly Fans commented on that...

*Amber* said...

Okay, I have a secret. When I'm suddenly amused by something I have a tendency to guffaw like the alien ALF. That just happened after reading this line:
"only a yogurt gun can squirt more protein onto your pillows after just two pumps"

Thanks to you Weasel, my secret is out!

Laura said...

I actually dont mind his hairlessness. I'm 20 so a hairy man chest is not top of my sexy list. However, the cash sticking out of his shorts suggests to me that hes actually a gay stripper not a hustler.

Laura said...

PS I urban dictionaried the pipe, hes probz refering to his penis

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