Thursday, September 4, 2008

Old School

Young woman wanted for recently divorced man

Attractive, trim, loyal young woman (20’s) wanted, to devote herself to me and my life. You must really feel the need to be important to and supportive of an older man (40’s). Cooking, sewing, sweeping and cleaning will be your input. Must be sensual and exploring in bed, to be made love to often as well as being my little chew toy when the mood suits. I live simply and inexpensively and you will be my helpmate. Please do not have friends that would interfere with your duties. Please call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Nick.

After a week full of disgusting cocks, the staff here at WWHM decided to get back to our bread and butter:

Huge fucking dicks.

And here's one of 'em. Served up fresh with a dollop of asshole and slathered with a moist, thick sheen of Whig party propaganda. Just slide him in the wood oven, set the temperature to the year 1820, and baste occasionally with the butter you'll be churning while wearing a frilly mid-century maid's bonnet and hand-carved wooden clogs.

Nick just recently got a divorce, which sometimes happens when a woman finally figures out how to chew through the rope binding her to a wooden fucking wagon wheel. Now Nick seeks a new indentured servant girlfriend hoping to realize every woman's dream: being an isolated, depressed chew toy for a misogynistic, 45 year-old Subway sandwich artist that buys you an apron every year for your anniversary.

According to Nick, "cooking, sewing, sweeping and cleaning will be your input." That slurping sound you hear is the instant regeneration of every hymen within a 100 mile radius of this personal ad. Vaginas close like Blockbuster stores every time Nick shows up, because to him your orgasms are just as important as your friends: you don't need any. Why should you? You're a woman. All you need is a broom, a waffle iron, and a vacuum cleaner. Which, ironically, are the next three things Nick's going to have sex with.

I have a feeling Nick's gonna be doing a lot of "exploring" of himself in the next 3, 4 or 588 years. That's what happens when you sincerely believe the key to a woman's heart also opens the adjacent mop closet.

Still need a "helpmate" Nick?

Mayonnaise baby.

38 comments:

Evergrey said...

He creeps me out more than the last guy.

kalmanen said...

If he uses the waffle iron frequently enough, he can make some sperm waffles for himself and eat them (or use them like applepie in the movie), since he lives so simply and inexpensively.

Lynda said...

Why does he think he can get a 20 year old? I mean ok my dad was 41 when he married my 21 year old mother... Ok he was 58 when I came along... oh and he lived to 94 and outlived mom by 4 years. However she was never 'indentured' that's for sure! actually it may have been the other way around now that Im thinking about it... LOL he did all the cooking... (thank god my mother could burn water)

This guy is going to end up going for one of those island mail order brides. Cause that's the only way he's going to get someone like that and they'll be that way til they get their permenant green card then watch out!! LOL

ryan said...

What an asshole.

Nosnikta said...

*** because to him your orgasms are just as important as your friends: you don't need any ***

Excellent.

He wants June Cleaver. I'm sorry but June doesn't live here any more!

*Amber* said...

This guys is delusional. I love the regenerating hymens comment - Weasel, you never cease to amaze me with your creativity. :)

nosey said...

You know, reading all the comments posted on this blog...This is the kind of guy we would ALL love to spend the rest of our lives with. We are all mousey doormats who would just LOVE to have our cooters nibbled on while folding his underwear.

Come on FHOTDers, lets put up the pitchforks and self esteem and really fulfill our true lifes calling.

But remember girls, no one past their prime...Kay?

Anonymous said...

He couldn't afford a mail order bride.

This guy =

Abusive control freak.

And how would he expect to get a 20 year old? He's probably fugly, and apparently he has no money. What else does he have to attract a woman? His charming wit?

Anonymous said...

These use to be funny. I can laugh at a guy that posts pics of his hairy belly in a thong, but these are just... scary. In all actuallity, this guy will prob get a grilfriend, eventually, and abuse her. Yes, she will probably be some week minded dunt, but no one diserves that.

Anonymous said...

This guy is probably the worst ad you've ever posted. Certainly the creepiest. Why doesn't he send away for some Asian bride.

ella said...

what creeps me out the most is that he learned that somewhere. men need to realize that we can kick their ass. let's start with this guy.

CutNJump said...

I didn't even need to read past the ad line. REBOUNDER!!!!

What this means is he's probably an emotional roller coaster that ends in a trainwreck when the tracks cross. He just wants someone to listen to his whining and wailing and maybe some amount of how good he is at oh, say, everything...

(Hey dumbass, if you were so good at everything, you might still be married!)

He's better off buying a blowup doll or hiring what truckers call 'commercial company'.

ella said...

But Cut, how would the blow up doll cook and clean for him? Because apparently thats all we are good for.

kudos to the ex for getting the hell out of there!

CaliGirl9 said...

Methinks he needs to be looking for Miss Right in some sort of polygamist cult. Few American-born women in their 20s know how to sew except for Warren Jeffs-raised girls ... or how to totally devote their lives to men.
I believe this wonderful specimen of manhood would be best served by a Russian or Romanian slave bride. Or a box of tissues and some pornography.

Nosnikta said...

I'm crabby today.

It would be fun to hear from his ex.

Anonymous said...

"Warren Jeffs-raised girls" would NOT be fun in bed, and that's one of his requirements. Poor guy, just can't find what he's looking for.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Ah, let's not wish this creep on those poor slave-women. They don't deserve any of the creeps we've seen here, and I'm scared that that *is* the kind of guy they're being sold to :(

In other news, I refuse to date anyone who could conceivably be my father. (Unintentional reproduction joke for the win!!)

Avoluv said...

OMG. That is just sick, perverse, and sexist. Why would he think ANY woman would actually want to do that? Friends 'interfere with your duties'? WTF!
I honestly think this is the asshattiest yet.
But then, my long-term memory isn't all that great...

Weasel said...

You guys- just noticed the depressing turn the blog took in last two days.

Next week, we'll get back to the good shit.

CutNJump said...

Nos- I gotta agree. I bet she could dish more shit than any of us could even come close to thinking up.

CutNJump said...

Maybe he would have better luck in the Amish community?

Not wishing anything like him on them or anything, but that might be a better place for him to look...

kahara said...

"All you need is a broom, a waffle iron, and a vacuum cleaner. Which, ironically, are the next three things Nick's going to have sex with."

HAHAHA! That's a great visual, especially if he's using two or more at once. It's amazing to me that some men actually thinks they can get their "list" fulfilled, let alone have the gall to post it. *gag*

CutNJump said...

Let's all just hope he uses the waffle iron in the bath tub. That's one experience he won't soon repeat from underground.

Fhtrkstr101 said...

Weasel said...
You guys- just noticed the depressing turn the blog took in last two days.

Next week, we'll get back to the good shit.

-------

Weasel, you took the words right out fo my mouth.

Weasel said...

101, I read what I wrote last night when I got up this morning. Wow, seemed depressing. And so did the one before that. Then I'm like "Man, this blog used to be FUN." Now it's like - dreary.

No more of that shit!!!

Nosnikta said...

YAY! Cuz I'm crabby. Did I tell you guys that? :-)

anniebanannie said...

More than anything I want to give this MF a piece of my mind. Or a baseball bat, which would probably work better.

Fuck...

nip/tuck said...

Nick just recently got a divorce, which sometimes happens when a woman finally figures out how to chew through the rope binding her to a wooden fucking wagon wheel.

Ha! I don't know how you dream this stuff up, Weasel!

CnJ - love the waffle iron in the bathtub idea! Think that's what happened to the pointy foreskin guy? One could only wonder...

Nicole said...

If I was his "woman" and I knew how to sew (as per his requirements), I would sew my vagina SHUT.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Nicole might get the first Caslick's done on a woman :lol:


actually, that's really fucking creepy, considering how gross the Caslick's I've seen performed are. But I would probably get it done too if he were my only option!

Nicole said...

Yeah, sewing my vagina shut would probably be extreme! I'm sure since his wife chewed through her bondage ropes he is gonna go for metal chains for the "lucky" 20-something girl he roofied at the college bar down the street from his inexpensive shanty. I bet he is a fugly fuck too...hey Weasel, can we un-twirl his photo so we can be on the look out for him and his roofies when we go out? I want to make sure to splash my drink in his face a la every movie and tv show where a girl is offended by guys like him

Ashers said...

This has got to be a joke, surely ??? He one can seriouly believe that any woman will actually want this ??

Thankfully, I am too old for him. Yay !!!

wheelin126 said...

CNJ - He's better off buying a blowup doll or hiring what truckers call 'commercial company'.

Otherwise known as a lot lizard :)

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Sewing? I'd tie his ass to the bed while he slept and sew his balls to the mattress without anesthesia if I had to live with this guy for an hour. With a butterfly stitch.

DJ said...

Let him mail order for a bride from Russia. So the rest of us can tape it and watch some Russian chick take one look at him, laugh until she cries, then kick his ass to Archangel and back.

Maryann said...

This bullshit begs the question "Do guys really think 20-something chicks can't do better than a broke middle-aged man who only wants them for sex and housework?"

Seriously. I'm 24 and heavy, but I slap on a little makeup, put on a bra that shows off my tits, and I get interest from nice-looking men my own age. Some of them aren't even assholes.

I think this guy is confused, so I'll imagine I'm actually setting him staight, here:

See, douchebag, you're the one who's desperate, not girls like me.

I don't even want to look at you, much less fuck you or scrub the skidmarks out of your rank undies.

I'm guessing your wife got sick of those things, too. And guess what? It's odds on that she can do way better than you. Just like every female 20-something on the fucking PLANET.

By the way, doesn't that whole "no friends" thing just scream "abuser"?

Laura said...

what worries me is that some women would be like "really...K!!!"

Anonymous said...

Nick must think that "wife" stands for Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.