Friday, September 12, 2008

The Mother Load

I have a fantasy of being with mother

I do have this fantasy, of being with mother. making love to her, fucking her, eating her sweet pussy. when i was very young, my mother would walk around the house naked. i would go into the bathroom while she was taking a bath. she had the most perfect body that i had ever seen. she was a large woman, not fat, but tall and large. she had perfect tits, big with large nipples, nice pretty hairy pussy. Please reply to Mack at XXXXXXXXXXX.

There's a reason your mother kicks you out of the womb after nine months.

She's tired of you squatting in her personal space, you eat all the food without asking, your presence turns her into an emotional wreck, and you don't have a job.

Which is basically the same reason she kicked you out of the house at 27.

Believe me, she doesn't want you back inside of either.

Having a mother/son fantasy is fine. Disgusting as hell, but ok, fine. Whatever floats your boat. Apparently amniotic fluid floats yours.

However, your personal ad may have been more effective if you just didn't include all those nasty details. Sure, you may have just been exploring your fantasy, but I haven't seen that many female knees slam shut since David Gest walked into a fertility clinic with his fly undone, an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, and a test tube full of testicular discharge. Which, at his age, is likely composed largely of sawdust.

Man, I'm not going to be able to get my dick hard for a month.

Asshole.

82 comments:

CutNJump said...

>>Apparently amniotic fluid floats yours.<<


Which just happens to be comprised of Urine. Lovely!

What a sick fuck. Apparently it is true. Men spend 9 months trying to get out and the rest of their life trying to get back in.

Maybe that explains the pic Nosnitka sent you- Can you hear me now?

Weasel said...

True, CutN, true.

It's funny how guys always think women have so many issues.

I think they do, but as I get older I realize guys have MORE fucking issues than women do.

Ella said...

Women only have so many issues BECAUSE of men. Its a horrible, hateful, circle of life.

CutNJump said...

Weasel, us women are simple for the most part.

Fuck us the way we want, when we want and then shut up, get out and leave us the hell alone.

Not much to ask really.

Oh and pay for someone else to clean the house, cook your meals and do the laundry so we have more time to ride. (*sigh* maybe in a perfect world.)

Hubby gets a bit more breathing room as there are horses in the barn that need to be trained...

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Is it just me, or is Oedipus Jr. a little fishy? If all he wants is to go home and do him mommy, then why post a personal ad about it? Fake?

ChestnutJumper784 said...

Oh, and David Gest is hideous. I totally agree btw.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

This ad reminds me of something I used to tell the bickering secretaries at the law firm I managed all the time:

"Not everything you think needs to come out your mouth."

Dude, NO ONE wanted to know what was in your head. NO ONE. There are some fantasies that are meant to stay private and yours fall into that category!

Ewwww. *shudder*

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Weasel, us women are simple for the most part.

Fuck us the way we want, when we want and then shut up, get out and leave us the hell alone.<<

I would agree with that.

And don't try to make us be nice to your bitchy mother or take her side over ours!

kahara said...

Ella said:
"Women only have so many issues BECAUSE of men."
Couldn't agree more. I mean, with the *real* issues anyway. Though I'm not talking about the "Should I put the periwinkle nail polish on to match my shoes and purse today?" kind of issues, or the issues where girls feed off of drama whether it be theirs or someone else's. But I digress.

Basically, some things are better left unsaid. These are some of those things. :oP

Mary said...

As gross and disturbing as this is, I can top it. Back in the day, shortly after my divorce and realizing that I was back in the game again, my sister talked me into playing a personal ad on Yahoo. This was about 8 years ago, when there were far less dating sites. Yahoo was the central hub and more choices then Old Country Buffet. However, like Old Country Buffet, most items were questionable in their origin and many left you feeling like your guts were going to burst forth as you grabbed the toilet set to prevent launching into the sky.

I grew up in a very conservative household. We didn't discuss things like boogers, farting and heaven forbid, sex. Period. Well, being nieve to the freakaziods of the world, a certian ad caught my interest. It was sheer morbid curiosity, nothing more.

I remember it vividly. The ad started out, "To Be, Or Knot To Be" It continued to talk about wanting to share the Knot Lifestyle with some "special creature" His new "partner" would share long walks, lovely home-cooked dinners, time with others that share the same intrests, lavish gifts, complete devotion, belly scratches, great communication and...wait...what? Belly scratching?

I was completely confused. Was he talking about role playing? Did he have a poison ivy fetish? A smart person would of stopped reading right there. I'm a blonde pollack, I don't know any better.

"I'm looking for either a Great Dane or like large breed. If you have a sexy, large cocked Dog whom you feel is lonely and looking to be loved the way God intended. I am looking to give him the passion he deserves."

Apparently, after doing some web surfing, the "Knots" lifestyle is that where a person carries on a relationship, as they would with a human, with a dog. From family gatherings to "long walks" and so on.

You may throw up now. I know I did...

Londyn said...

Oh what a lovely way to begin a Saturday. Yoga, breakfast, reading about Oedipus complexes and dog fetishes. On the plus side, a dawning of understanding has occurred -- I understand that some of my lovely friends and I are single because we are neither mothers, nor canines.

(GAG!!!)

kahara said...

Mary -
That. Is. Foul. Yep, you topped it.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Ya know, I've been single for over 20 years, what's another 20, eh?
This definitely isn't worth free drinks.

teawithlime said...

If Norman Bates posted a personal ad, it might read like this.

*shudder*

CutNJump said...

This guys ad goes right along with hearing a persons life story in gory detail, within the first two minutes of meeting them.

My standard issue statement for this-

There are certain things nobody needs to know about other people. This would be one of them.

Amanda said...

Did that picture come with the ad or was it found somewhere else? If it was found with the ad, who took the picture and how on earth did they get someone to agree to take it?

Evergrey said...

Inside thoughts, INSIDE thoughts!
Like inside voice, except that they really really need to be kept inside the head. *shudder*
I heard similar stories from people about their sisters and stuff too. Gah!

As for dogs- goddamn people, goddamn...

wheelin126 said...

LOL what a sick, twisted pervert bastard!! As for the dog thing EEWWWW!!! I have learned things on here I really could have done without knowing for the rest of my life...figging, knots lifestyle, and the thing about freezing your turds and then using them as a dildo EEEWWWWW!!!!

I have to try to burn, scratch out or anything to get the above disgustingness out of my brain AGAIN!!!

Nosnikta said...

Welllllllll now, THAT's disturbing.

It's bad enough for a guy to be a "mamma's boy". That makes me roll my eyes in disgust and have urges of shaking the "boy", telling him to grow a freaking spine AND some balls while I grab a knife and slice through that umbilical cord.

This? This is just wrong wrong wrong.

Nosnikta said...

Ya know, the most sick part of this entire post is the fact that Weasie entitled it Mother "Load". That just makes my throat and vagina simultaneously constrict.

CutNJump said...

Nos- you're cracking me up!

Wheelin' I too have learned quite a bit in just reading this blog.

Not only does 'WHO KNEW?' come up but then it becomes--->

'WHO the FUCK EVER thought THAT was a GOOD idea?'


Some things I wish I could go back to just NOT knowing about. Sadly you can't unring that bell...

Mary said...

Turds? Dildos? WHAT?!?!?!?!? I'm sorry, when I send the kids off to school, I wan't them to STAY THERE! I'm not going to fish them out, take the time to put them in or on something to freeze then remove them to...oh god...lunch is churning in my stomach. Where the hell did that come from?

Other fetishes that just baffle me(google them if you don't know what they are):
Gas Pedal
Balloon (Called "loonies")
Pussy Pump (Not for the weak stomachs)
Nylon
Horse Play (This should get a lot of your horsie people going)
Scat
Oversized clits
Teabagging (HAHAHAHAHAA)

I'm at work, so I'm not on this train of thought to think up the rest that I have found while surfing youporn, redtube and 89.com...Stop looking at me like that!

Nosnikta said...

Great.. just great. I was just FINE not knowing about all those fetishes. NOW I just know I'll be compelled to google-away once I get home.

It's a good thing I'm not a cat because my curiousity certain does have a way with getting the best of me.

Mary said...

You don't even have to google! youporn or redtube will SHOW you what it is, which is far more disturbing(interesting?) The pussy pump one is a MUST SEE to understand! When I saw it, I cocked (shush) my head to the side, squinted and went, "What the FUCK is she doing? ANY WHY?"

And to think until a few years ago, I was a total innocent. BUHAHAHA

CutNJump said...

Mary- Thanks! Thanks a lot. I am at work too right now, so I won't be looking up anything you posted about until I get home.

I have to admit, I agree with Nos. There's a lot of crazy, creepy, disgusting (to me anyways)and otherwise weird shit going on in the world, that I really, REALLY! did not need to know about.

But then that damn curiosity (more often morbid curiosity) raises it's fugly head and off I go in search of... only to come back with bleeding eyes and a half exploded head in search of something, anything to get rid of the newly added 'knowledge'.

Mary said...

It's like watching a speeding train rushing towards a van full of Teddy Bears. You just HAVE to watch and see how it all turns out.

We are fetish gawkers. Wear your badge with pride! Hang a pine scented car freshener off of it to hide the stench of the vomits caused by watching a carrot shaped turd sent back home...

Fhtrkstr101 said...

I am a fetish gawker and proud of it.. well sort of haha.

I frequent youporn, not to look at the porn to be like REALLY, HONESTLY? or YOU PUT THAT WHERE?!

My co-Worker told me that women often watch porn to learn not to get off. I have to agree.

kahara said...

Yeah, that horrible turd-freezing fetish is called Spacedocking and sometimes Alabama Hotpocket. Generally those terms refer to a fresh poo deposited directly from anus to vagina, though sometimes it's frozen for later use. You can imagine why it has been coined a "hotpocket."

Other lovely fetishes to gawk at are:
Felching
Hot Karl
Snowball
Dirty Sanchez
Bukkake
California Hotplate
Boston Pancake
Cincinatti Bowtie
Glass Bottom Boat
Chili Dog
Golden Shower

You can look up their definitions at urbandictionary.com. Class dismissed and virgin minds corruputed.

Lynda said...

I now have learned things that I never needed to know....

I need some kittens bad! Must go look at pretty kittens.... one must not do this when they have insomnia!

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO!!!!!! Too freaking funny lol.

*** We are fetish gawkers. Wear your badge with pride! Hang a pine scented car freshener off of it to hide the stench of the vomits caused by watching a carrot shaped turd sent back home... ***

Impostor said...

Forgive my necropost (only just found the blog; been looking through the post archive at work) but you do know that this is a fake ad too, yes?

The text is a straight cut-and-paste job from the Nancy Friday book 'Men In Love'; the 'Starry-eyed Oedipus' chapter.

Please tell me I'm not the ONLY pervert who's ever read that?

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Anonymous said...

When my mother drank, she got crazy, not to mention horny. I snuck a peek a few times. There was no shortage of strange men around the house. I never really wanted to fuck her though. I might have taken her up on the offer of a blowjob at the time. I'm surprised she never offered.

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